Why I Detest Christmas!

It's Money, Honey, My Little Sonny!

It's even harder to get a buck outta me for this nonsense!! credit poddy's.com
It's even harder to get a buck outta me for this nonsense!! credit poddy's.com

"Witness the Red-Nosed Brain-Dead!"

Where do I start? There are so many reasons I dislike this yearly nonsense that has me spending money I don't want to spend; watching crap on TV I don't want to watch (There's nothing else on); having to look positive and optimistic when replying to a lot of twits who say, "What are you doing for Christmas,?" ("I'm spending the week in Puerto Vallarta, what are you doing?"). Not really - I wish - but it shuts them up and allows them to hate me with only the bitter envy the British are capable of. Well, what do you expect me to say? "With luck, I'll get up and have a good crap, then feed the budgies and change the crappy paper in their cage; make some baked beans on toast because the eggs will be out by then - then look out of the window into downtown -------where all the shops are shut and shuttered and wish I was in Puerto Vallarta!"

Does anyone without half a bottle of Scotch in them really like this silly crap? (Good word, "crap," we all know what it means and it gets past the censors, whereas s---t sometimes doesn't. Google will often leap astride its moral high horse at too much swearing and primly withhold ads from the article. They don't curse on "youporn," just moan, scream and grunt...with the occasional “F--k me!“ thrown in....and they have lootttts of ads!)

Re the week in Puerto Vallarta. Well, I would have gone, actually. Not to Vallarta, but to La Paz in Baja Sur. But sagely (I do sageability well at my age, as well as invent new words). I had anticipated British travel conditions this season after watching it all unfold last year. The lines of unhappy travellers at Heathrow after 3 centimetres of snow had all the runways closed again and suspended all flights. The huddles of misery under blankets and coats in doorways and under seats, (looked just like downtown Detroit when the soup-kitchens were closed). No, the UK government can't interfere, it's foreign owned tha knows. Not that this lot of "-------" (rhymes with bankers) would have done anything anyway. The queues of hapless poor stretching half way around central London waiting to get on a Eurorail train to the continent, (where it's just as bad but things keep functioning). I expect they were consoled by hearing the station's tannoy reminding of happier dreamers of celebrations white. (If I hear “Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer” again while I’m in Tesco, I promise to run amok)

Of course, I could have snicked my jeep into four-wheel-drive and safely hared-off to...to where? To the British coast at Christmas time!? I would sooner hang my balls in the budgie cage and let them take it out on the bloody jailer who kidnapped them from Aussie skies and imprisoned them here!! They hate Christmas, too, since they found out the local pet shop was out of millet. And what about the price of petrol? (say “petrol” cousins, “gas” is too misleading).

I could go to Central London and join the happy throng of pickpocketing asylum-seekers and all the rest who just belong in an asylum. If you have ever attempted to circumnavigate Oxford Street in Christmas week, you would leave the British Isles out of your travel plans for life! Just crossing the road comes under the heading of extreme sports and getting a shop assistant’s help qualifies you to instant membership of Mensa, (though being there would cancel it). I have a particualrly horny friend who said he has got laid just pressing through the throngs at Tottenham Court Road. Well? I did it once on the Mexico City metro line...I couldn’t ecape! (true!).

Don't you secretly hate having to buy presents for an ex. partner's kids? OK, it wasn't their fault you broke up and they still speak to you if you pass on the street. But bugger this slipping ten quid each in an envelope every birthday and Christmas; especially when you know it should be twenty or more due to inflation. Then there's chocolates for the ex., 'cause you're still friends and get the occasionally shag when her old man's too tired to perform. No, it's not enough and a little herky-jerky with youporn is quite sufficient these days.

Isn't it peculiar that all the people who you hardly know up and send you nasty little 4-inch square, religious Christmas cards? Maybe I'm in the wrong time-warp here, I don't want anyone thinking I am some sort of curmudgeon! I never send them any and sneer at them in self-defence well into February. If I win the lottery, I'll but every man-jack of 'em a trip to Puerto Vallarta just to make sure they employ British resentment towards me. ("I bet he only did it to write it off his taxes!"). Whatever minor success you have in Britian, the citizenry will be envious and wish you ill...it’s true! (He said he managed a really good crap this morning, I bet it was just a bloody fart!)

I can’t remember when I ever had a good Christmas. Even as a kid I hated it, despite all the food; the 20-pound turkey and all the rest at Gran’s house. Christmas lasted until about 2pm when the adults were pissed and full and went to bed for about 4 hours. I was left there stuffing my face with nuts, my one rationed glass of ginger wine curdling with the Christmas pud., and bored out of my mind...the joys of the only child! I will never forget the silence broken only by the forbidding sound of the old grandfather clock. “stick, stock...whirrrrrr... ding dong ding ding, dung dong dung dong ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR...crap, are these old bastards still asleep...I think I’ll play with these crackers by the fire... Grandpa! THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!! That was the last time we went there for Christmas.

I guess I need a visitation from ghosts of past, present and future Christmases...might take my mind off youporn!





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Comments 28 comments

DiamondRN profile image

DiamondRN 6 years ago from Charlotte, NC USA

Merry Christmas, Diogenes.

BobbiRant profile image

BobbiRant 6 years ago from New York

Hey, in my book, anyone who hates Christmas can't be all bad. LOl Loved this hub. Great writing.

diogenes profile image

diogenes 6 years ago from UK and Mexico Author

Thanks DiamondRN Bob

diogenes profile image

diogenes 6 years ago from UK and Mexico Author

Hi Bobbi...yeah, to be endured rather than enjoyed! Bob

Austinstar profile image

Austinstar 6 years ago from Somewhere in the universe

You're hilarious! Enjoy your youporn!

diogenes 6 years ago

Youporn, yes, a little goes a long way! This hub is a bit tongue in, er, cheek!

Have an awful Xmas, dear! Bob xxx

medor profile image

medor 6 years ago from Michigan, USA

excellent steam of consciousness writing dude... i love it, you old sinic you... Have a wonderful holiday anyway... you rock...

diogenes 6 years ago

Sparky post! Thanks medor....Bob

j.amie profile image

j.amie 6 years ago from PA

Bob, I have one thing to say about this post: you remind me of my father ;p

diogenes profile image

diogenes 6 years ago from UK and Mexico Author

Welll...I guess that's bad, Jamie...it was very tongue in cheek, but not totally untrue...Dad x

Christopher Price profile image

Christopher Price 6 years ago from Vermont, USA

Christmas is like passing a baseball-sized bowel movement...the pleasure is all in finally being done with it!

Welcome to the Curmudgeon's Club you old fart. Repeat after me, "You kids get off my lawn".



diogenes profile image

diogenes 6 years ago from UK and Mexico Author

Another of your brilliant analogies, Chris: Should I be so lucky! I suppose there are many Curmudgeon's clubs all over the world; thank goodness we are here with some healthy hating of establishment cows! Have a rotten boxing day, Mr Price! Bob x

Hello, hello, profile image

Hello, hello, 6 years ago from London, UK

You are definitely the joy of all the Christmas parties. H A P P Y HOLIDAYS

j.amie profile image

j.amie 6 years ago from PA

Bob he's funny, every year he goes on this long rant about Christmas being a marketing ploy and if the religious documents are to be believed Christ was born in October, etc etc etc...demands no one buy him a gift...and then he'll get into a debate with whoever will have it about contradictions in the bible.

diogenes profile image

diogenes 6 years ago from UK and Mexico Author

Nice of you to say that, HH, I wish it were true...Bob

diogenes profile image

diogenes 6 years ago from UK and Mexico Author

Hello Jamie. Yes, I agree and he's a dynamic writer. Always nice to see you in my comments....Bob

suejanet profile image

suejanet 6 years ago

I hate Christmas because it forces me to spend money that I don't have.

diogenes profile image

diogenes 6 years ago from UK and Mexico Author

Hi Suejanet: Yes, gotcha, that annoys me, too...Bob

Trish_M profile image

Trish_M 6 years ago from The English Midlands

I like finding the contradictions in the Bible, too.


I have a love-hate relationship with Christmas. I would love it, if it went to plan, but it rarely does, so I keep saying that I'm going to spend Christmas in Hawaii ~ but that doesn't go to plan, either. :)

Christmas evening with the family is lovely, though :)

diogenes profile image

diogenes 6 years ago from UK and Mexico Author

Yes Trish. I never had much of a family after age 12, so that is probably the reason I write all this rubbish!! Bob

MartieCoetser profile image

MartieCoetser 6 years ago from South Africa

Lol! What a rant. On my behalf too :) Perhaps somewhere in the future intimidation of any kind will be illegal.

diogenes 6 years ago

Hi Martie C, yes I dislike the strong inposing their will on the weak or expecting you to toe any line except the one that interests you at the time. I am almost ready to go and hide in my cave in Baja Sur...Bob

Barefoot Wahine 6 years ago

I so not care what anyone thinks about what I do or do not do on any holiday, much less one that demands spending money I do not have for gifts to satisfy the wants of others. Honesty lived is far better a gift to a young soul then a lie all wrapped with pretty ribbons and bows and most of the time they wish it were something else you had gotten them.

I much rather have a simple gathering with the gift of love shared and smiles of real joy with the gratitude of the warmth shared between loved ones and friends with no boxes wrapped in pretty paper that ends up in the rubbish piled high......... and gifts that always seem to be the wrong thing... Rubbish to all that gift buying and giving. If one is spending more then what one has (which most people do) then it is so wrong!

oh my, pardon me. I loved your bub, made me smile! Great write I danced on your buttons and gave a jump up :D hugs :D

diogenes profile image

diogenes 6 years ago from UK and Mexico Author

Barefoot Wahine: Thanks for rewarding comment that made me smile...Bob

sgigirl 6 years ago

Expectations at Christmas are always disappointments! Relatives who don't appreciate your efforts are really a pain in the backside. Once it is over and the mess cleaned up (by me, of course), I can be thankful that I'm not in jail for taking them out of their misery! My Christmas slogan? Bah, humbug!

diogenes profile image

diogenes 6 years ago from UK and Mexico Author

sgigirl...You, Scrooge and me! Bah! Humbug! is the best expression of disgust I have ever heard. But I do except the kids from the negatives. You know, I was once Father Christmas for real! Before you think I'm potty, it was for an ad. for General Motors, and I worked with 5 tots who really thought I was papa himself! We didn't try to dissuade them, because it made the ad look more real. I won't forget that magical day and I would have flmed it free...I think I put that in the article, sorry for repeating myself...Bob

Au fait profile image

Au fait 3 years ago from North Texas

I don't have a TV and no time to watch it if I did. I only buy gifts for my daughter and once in a blue moon, a one-time gift for some other person who has inspired me to do so. It doesn't happen every Christmas.

People ask me what I'm doing for Christmas too, it's just something they say. Would you feel better if they ask you if you were doing something special for Halloween? Or Memorial Day (Veteran's Day or whatever you call it over there)? It's just making conversation so why get bent out of shape? Most of the time they don't care about the answer anymore than you care about the question. They're just being 'nice.'

There are always a few stores open here on Christmas Day. Convenience stores and some restaurants in case someone needs something they forgot to get ahead of time or doesn't want to cook.

I love Christmas. The music, the classic movies, the decorations, lights and ribbons and wrappings, and don't forget the food. Lots of people all over the world celebrate Christmas who are not Christians, because like me, they love all the trappings. You know, the Pagan part.

Jesus isn't the reason for the season, so pretend it's Winter Solstice -- which it basically is. I like to include Jesus in everything I do, but to each their own. One can still enjoy Christmas even if they don't like the spiritual part.

I wouldn't buy anything for an ex's children unless they were my own as well. Definitely nothing for the ex. Perhaps some of your consternation with Christmas is of your own making. Lots of people set up these ridiculous 'must dos' and run themselves ragged and into the poor house because they imagine they have to. Says who? That's a choice, not a requirement. Don't blame Christmas if you make bad decisions about this holiday.

I send virtual Christmas cards. No buying cards and stamps and all that writing. If someone doesn't have a computer I might give them a call on the phone to wish them Merry Christmas, but then again, I might not.

Why are you making Christmas out to be such a lot of work and expense? That is a choice dear friend. If you really have money to burn then instead of using it to buy 'stuff' for people who will only regift it or give it to charity, give your money to a soup kitchen or something worthwhile where it will be truly appreciated.

Really, cash is the best gift for most people. Always matches everything they already own, sometimes a little small but most people can make do, doesn't hang around long enough to get tiresome . . . Cash is the perfect gift. Saves a lot of rushing around in crowded stores too.

Christmas is like so many other things. It's what you make it. If you make up your mind to be Scrooge, that's your choice. If it gives you pleasure to be a Scrooge, then by all means proceed. We make our own thoughts, our own moods, our own attitudes, and then we marinate in them all by ourselves. If you like marinating in anger and disgust, then don't let anyone stop you.

Some things have no redeeming qualities, but it's up to us to find any that may exist, not to fit in or get along, but to add pleasure to our own lives rather than misery. No one else cares how you (or I) feel about Christmas or any other day, so hating it has no affect on most people, maybe on no one at all except yourself. It mainly affects you. Hate lowers your immune system's ability to protect you.

Spending your time hating and grumping about something you can't change anyway makes no difference to the people around you and it's pretty much a waste of your precious time. Your time is limited on this planet, and you should spend it the way you like as much as possible. If using it to hate things you can't change is your thing, march on. Other people forget about you and have a good time while you sit stewing in your own acidic juices all alone. Very satisfying, yes?

Make the best of your time doing things you enjoy, including other people or not, as you wish, and move on. As you know, acid destroys the vessel that holds it and has very little if any affect on the things surrounding that vessel. Hate does that too.

Why does anyone insist on doing things for relatives or anyone else who they believe do not appreciate their efforts? Whether it's Christmas or any other day? Maybe they don't want to do whatever you're forcing them to do and so they're just as miserable as you are! Instead of blindly doing things that you 'imagine' are expected or required, stop and think. You might even inquire of other people who will be affected if it is their desire to participate in these hated activities. Some may surprise you and say no, they don't. So instead of doing what you 'imagine' is expected, and resenting your friends and relatives for not appreciating what you're forcing on them, find out for sure how they feel. So many people CHOOSE to live their lives by assumption and assumptions are all but always WRONG.

Does it bother you that the Chinese celebrate the New Year? It's their main holiday and they exchange gifts and the works. If you can somehow manage to get through Chinese New Year without getting angry and resentful of the people who participate in it and enjoy it, why not try that same emotional/psychological method for getting through Christmas? It only affects you and controls you if you let it.

Interesting article, Bobby, as usual. Hope you're having an enjoyable day. If nothing else, it's not Christmas . . . ;)

diogenes profile image

diogenes 3 years ago from UK and Mexico Author

I feel roundly chastised Misty dear...and my reply?



ps This hub was from Xmas 2010 I think. I am too drained to even rant in 2013

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