15 Funny Irish Sayings, Quotes, & Jokes for St. Patrick's Day

What’s the difference between an Irish wedding and Irish funeral? One less drunk. There’s nothing quite like good ol’ stereotypical drunken Irish humor!

In search of some funny Irish sayings, jokes, and quotes? Well, consider yourself lucky for landing on this page.

Have a laugh and a wee bit of fun with this list of 15 funny Irish sayings, jokes, and quotes!

1. Irish pub sign: Those who drink to forget, please pay in advance!

2. Cheers! Here’s to our wives and girlfriends; may they never meet!

3. May your beers be bottomless and your wives be topless!

1. "Okay, so an Irishman walks out of a bar. Yeah, it’s possible."
2. "God invented whisky to keep the Irish from ruling the world!"
3. "The Irish ignore anything that they cannot drink or punch."
4. "Drinking is the curse of the land as it makes you shoot your neighbor; it makes you miss him, too."

1. Seamus opened the newspaper and was shocked to see an obituary saying he died. In a panic, he phoned his best friend Murphy. "Did you see the paper?!" asked Seamus. "They say I died!" Murphy replied, "Yes, I saw it! So, where ya callin' from?"
2. McDonald was out for a drive on a beautiful day when he was pulled over by his friend, a policeman. "What's wrong, Patrick?" McDonald asked. "Well didn't ya know, McDonald? Your wife fell out of your car a few miles back!" replied Patrick. McDonald let out a sigh of relief and exclaimed “Ah, thank the lord! I thought I had gone deaf!
3. And Irishman and ventriloquist were sitting at a bar and the Irishman was growing more and more mad at the ventriloquist’s Irish-knocking jokes. The Irishmen yells “What’s so funny? We’re not dumb!” The ventriloquist said “listen, I’m sorry, they are just jokes!” In which the Irishman replied, “No, not you! I’m talking to that little bastard on yer knee!”
4. An Irishman, Scotsman, and Englishman go into a pub and order pints of Guinness. When the bartender brings the drinks, they notice right away that each glass has a fly in it. The Englishman, disgusted, refuses the drink and demands another. The Scotsman simply takes the fly out and pretends nothing happened. The Irishman takes the fly out with his fingers, shakes it around while yelling “Spit it out, Spit it out! You bloody bastard, it’s mine!”
5. Murphy and Pat have been friends and drinking partners for years. Pat asks Murphy, “If I shall die before you, will you promise that you will buy the best bottle of whiskey you can find and pour it all over my grave?” “Sure, replied Murphy, “But can I drink it all first?”
6. Neil McCormick was involved in a horrific house fire, and had no family to be contacted, so the police sent for his two best friends, Owen and Paddy, to help identify the body. “Yep, he’s burnt up pretty good!” Said Owen, “It’s hard to tell if that’s even him!” Paddy exclaims, “Oh, I know. Let’s flip him over on his stomach and take a look! Neil had two assholes!” Puzzled, the mortician asks “He had two assholes?!” Paddy says, “Yeah, anytime we would go walking up to the pub, people would always say ‘Here comes Neil with his two assholes!’”
7. An Irishman, Englishman, and a Scotsman were looking up the cost of brains used for the transplant. The cost of a Scotsman or Irishman’s brain was only 500 Euros when the Englishman’s brain was closer to 5,000 Euros. The Englishman exclaims, “That proves that Englishmen are just far more clever and intelligent than Irishmen and Scotsmen. “All lies!” Says the Irishmen, “It just means that the Englishmen never used their brains!”

Whenever you are looking to tell jokes, you can never really go wrong with funny Irish sayings, jokes or quotes!

Here, I feel it appropriate to end with one!

I took my wife, Darcy, to our usual restaurant, and our waiter, Neil, took my order first while Darcy read the menu. “I’ll have a pint of Guinness and a steak, cooked rare!” “What about the mad cow?” Asked the waiter. “Nah, she can order for herself!” And that’s how the fight started...