The Fright Bite - What You Need To Know About Vampires

The popular perception of initiation into vampirism is of a cloak-flapping, bat like figure flying through a Gothic window at the full of the moon. Armed with glistening fangs dripping, saliva these are sunk with great relish into a fair maiden’s, (preferably swooning) neck who becomes a fully paid up member of the sucker club.

If you’re thinking well I’m quite safe because …

a) I’m a bloke

b) I don’t live in a Gothic house

c) I never go to bed before dawn.

Sorry to disabuse you … there are other less exquisite ways of joining the fang gang!

Romanians for instance, believed a child could be turned into a vampire by uttering a few choice spells before or during birth.

Witches or Satanists gained automatic membership of the club while careless relatives who allow cats or dogs to walk over the graves of the dearly departed have a lot to answer for as their loved ones remain eternally earth bound, but minus their souls.

You also need to be very careful what you eat! Lamb killed by a wolf will definitely add a bit of length to those canines!

Talking of which, vampire pumpkins and watermelons might not sound scary, but in the Balkans people once believed that gourds posed a real threat.

If a pumpkin or watermelon was left outside for too long after picking, and especially if it wasn’t gobbled up before Christmas, the fruit in question could turn into a vampire.

Even though this kind of food wasn’t deemed desirable, an undead pumpkin was a low-level threat, because without teeth, the fruit had no way of biting its potential victims.

Vampires are charming, handsome and refined during their grooming phase which is how the hunt for the next victim begins. They appear pretty much like anyone else out to pull during a Friday night binge so how do you spot someone partial to a draught of haemoglobin?

Apart from checking for pointy canines, the best way is to accompany him/her to the toilets. No, this isn’t for a quick knee trembler, but to check for a reflection. Vampires, do not have souls which means if you stand them in front of a mirror they will not caste a reflection.

They will also not cross water so you might invite them to take a walk beside the cut and ask them to accompany you to the kebab house on the other side. Canals are traditionally dark, dirty and dank so you might want to think hard about that one.

Garlic. Having suspected you might be in the company of the undead, you need to be well protected. Garlic is cheap and plentiful and one of the best defenses against evil so eat lots. Liberal does at breakfast, dinner, tea and of course supper should keep you safe although garlic and porridge takes some getting used to.

Hawthorn branches are a great vampire repellant and have the added advantage that if they lose their potency, they make beautiful wreaths!

Salt has a bad press regarding blood pressure, but don’t omit it from your shopping trolley as it has long been revered as a protection against evil. Buy several sacks and spread thickly around the house.

Wear a cross made of iron. Iron is loathed by all twilight inhabitants including fairies so there’s bonus in keeping those pesky mischief makers away. NB: Disclaimer. May not work for non-Christians.

If you do encounter a vampire and get the upper hand, make sure you chop off its head, drive a stake through the heart, (to stop it walking), and then bury face down. This is a belt and braces method just in case the other suggestions were not completed properly. Vampires, fortunately are not very bright and will dig downwards in their efforts to regain their blood sucking activities.

Last if all else fails, many cultures advocate scattering seeds around your house because vampires, so they say, like counting them. This will distract them long enough for you to escape!