I got a call from a girl friend a few nights ago who was completely beside herself. Jack, her husband had come home from work and announced over the salad at dinner that he didn't want to be in their marriage anymore. He suggested he would stay in the home through the holidays so the family wouldn't be upset by their upcoming separation this time of year and asked her to keep up appearances, especially around his family. Jack also suggested she might be the one to look for a place considering he was responsible for the bulk of making the house payment. Julianna was dumbstruck. "I really didn't see this coming." She sobbed on the phone. "What the hell am I suppose to do now?"

Frankly I have no idea how she didn't see it coming. Jack had been a walking text book of a man bored with his marriage for months. However, I remember being there. It's like watching a loved one die of terminal cancer over the course of several months and then being shocked when they pass - didn't see that coming! The shock itself is paralyzing. So, what is a woman to do when her husband says he wants a divorce?

1. Do not, under any circumstance, beg, plead, threaten, or freak out at him in anyway. You might simply tell him he's dropped a bomb on you and you can't possibly process it in the moment. It's too big, too confusing, and too important, sooooo you need to be alone. Then you walk away. If resources allow, you get a hotel for several days and leave the kids at home with him. "Mommy is going to the spa until Sunday." A lack of any real significant reaction on his part will be utterly confusing to him. If you've already freaked out, it's never too late to get suddenly calm. Get there. Now.

2. Immediately propose counseling. Chances are slim that he is going to jump at that notion. However, pitch the idea as a way to transition the relationship more easily. Tell him you want to remain friendly through all of this and you think some extra help with communication would be beneficial. Ask him to commit to a preset number of sessions, that way he won't feel this is a process without end. If he won't go - you go alone. Get to a qualified marriage counselor as soon as possible. One partner seeking professional help is way better than no partners. The guidance of a qualified professional can be like a flashlight in a coal mine.

3. Contact an attorney and let your husband know you are doing so. You may want to let the attorney know you want to save your marriage, but your husband has said he wants to leave. A good divorce attorney is a wealth of knowledge and experience. Also, as your husband sees you are taking charge of a bad situation, it's likely to cause him to pause.

4. Create a very small circle of support of your calmest, most level headed friends and family. Do not send out a press release. Do not activate the girl friend phone tree. The fewer people who are involved the more likely you will save your marriage. However, no one should have to go there alone. So, find those friends who sooth you and reach out.

5. Keep an open mind, a positive attitude, and stay with the facts. Do not let your imagination take you anywhere. Go immediately to the bookstore and buy, The Work, by Byron Katie, and The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. Neither of these books is specifically about relationships, but is loaded with tools you will need to navigate the next few moments, days, weeks, and months.