Grief; Will I Ever Survive The Death of My Adult Child?
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When we lost our only daughter, I doubted that I would ever get past the grief. I hope that my experience might help other grieving parents.
In 2007, it seemed as if our little world was humming along perfectly. My husband, Jeff, had survived a triple-bypass, I had survived breast cancer, and our new granddaughter had pulled through a very difficult struggle after her birth. Everyone was finally well and it seemed that the tough stuff was behind us.
Our newly divorced daughter, Jodi, had begun to rebuild her life. She had moved back to our hometown with our eldest grandchild, Kyle, who was then in kindergarten. She had just re-entered the business world with a great new job as a Marketing Director. She loved her new job. Things looked good.On March first of 2007, Jodi was suffering the aftermath of a “silly” little traffic accident. She was in pain and undergoing treatment for whiplash. That evening, she was to have seen her doctor so we picked up Kyle after Kindergarten. By 6:30 when Jodi still hadn’t arrived at our home, we began to worry. My husband went to her apartment to see if she had returned there. Soon after, I got the call that no parent ever wants to receive; Jeff told me that our daughter had died in her apartment early that afternoon. The “little” car accident had been much more serious than any of us had realized. I couldn’t process what I had been told. “Is she at the hospital now?” I remember asking him. “No,” he told me. “I tried to revive her but she was already gone; the coroner has taken her.” Again I couldn’t process it. “No, it can’t be. It can’t be. What do we tell Ky? He’ll want to know where his mom is.”The following weeks were a blur of family and friends who came to stay, cook, run our household and support us; we struggled to comprehend our loss as we planned funeral and burial arrangements for a child whom we had always assumed would long out-live us. Our friends were amazing. There was a steady stream of those closest to us. They came to our home in a steady stream during those weeks. My husband’s family greeted and cooked for everyone. Friends and family came with food and drink. Those closest to us came to be with us. We ate, drank, cried, hugged, talked and listened. We talked about the 30 short years of Jodi’s life.Once the service was over and everyone went home, the reality of what had happened began to set in. I felt as if my world had fallen out from under me. Half of my family had been ripped away from us in that one day. My daughter was gone and my grandchild, who was like my own child, had moved far away to live with his father. It was the way it should be that Ky should begin his new life with his father, in his new home. It was also right that friends and family should return home to continue on with their own lives. But we weren’t sure exactly sure how to continue on when nothing would ever be the same again for us. After the craziness of those weeks calmed, we all began to grieve in our own way.Our son found his own way with a wonderful men’s group called “break through.” The sudden loss of his sister spurred him to take a close look at his own life. In his desire to become the best man, father, husband and partner that he could be, he chose this spiritual group program as a way to begin the rest of his life. It has been an amazing gift for both himself and his family.I’ve spent months in therapy where I am learning to cope with the fact that I will be grieving for a long, long time; and that it is normal to feel the way that I feel. Grief is a process. My husband and I talk about our feelings and cry together, but my therapist has given me the outlet that I need to discuss even the things that are better not shared with my partner. Jeff is grieving too, and it isn't fair to burden him constantly with every little feeling that I feel. Jeff prefers to handle it on his own. It’s a guy thing. Although he doesn’t choose therapy or a grief group, he doesn’t “stuff” his feelings; he opens up to me. For that, I am grateful because grief can eat you alive if you bury it deep inside and deny that it exists. He simply is not a group therapy (or any kind of therapy) kind of guy, and that's OK.Writing has helped me to get my feelings out, as well as giving myself a real sense of purpose. I've written about Jodi, about life, about what is important in life, and about any other thing that crossed my mind. In troubled times, getting back to the things you love most helps in a proactive way. Writing has always been my mode of expression and it hasn’t failed me in the past year and a half!There is no real secret answer to surviving grief, but just ALLOWING yourself to grieve is a good place to start. I spent days in bed with the covers pulled over my head or with my computer on my lap. If you need to crawl into bed or to sit on your porch and stare, then so be it! It is what YOU need to do. For so many reasons, working with my therapist has been life saving for me, but especially because she keeps reminding me that what I feel is normal. I’m not loosing it, she assures me! She encourages me to ALLOW myself to grieve and helps me recognize each stage of the grieving process as I pass through them. If you are open to therapy, it I highly recommend it; but be sure your therapist “feels” right to you. You and your therapist should also be on the same page regarding spirituality and religion. If you believe in a kind, loving God and a spiritual “return home” at death and your therapist believes in hell, fire and damnation, run, as fast as you can to another therapist! The opposite is also true. Your belief system is YOURS and no one else’s to question.I hope it will help you if I describe the stages of grief that I’ve gone through during the past year and a half. The stages of grief, or how they manifest themselves, may be different for you than for me; and they may occur in different order. You may also find yourself going through some stages more than once! The following is not from any textbook, but I hope that it will help you if I share my personal experience with you.1. Shock & Denial: When I lost my adult daughter who had been the focus of my life for so many years, it was hard to imagine a world without her. As we went about planning the funeral and making necessary arrangements, we were going through the motions, not yet dealing with the reality of the situation.2. Loneliness, Despair and fear: My little girl was really gone and I began to miss her horribly. I could no longer protect her. "What if she's cold in that grave? What if there IS no heaven, what if she is just gone for good?" I realized that my adult daughter was also my close friend. I missed talking with her, doing “girl stuff” with her.3. Melancholy, Deep Sadness, Triggers Everywhere! Everything reminds me of Jodi. Even opening the silverware drawer reminds me of the fork that she preferred. Memories flood in. It is as if, with all of the pictures and memories, my deceased child is still all around me but I can't see or be with her. I realized that my adult daughter was also my close friend. I missed talking with her, doing “girl stuff” with her.4. Guilt: Depending on the circumstances, guilt sets in sooner or later. “If only I’d have done this or that.” “I could have helped more so that she wouldn’t have been in such a hurry the night of the accident…” You WILL find a way to try to take responsibility for your adult child’s death.5. Blame: Blame is different than guilt to me because there was a point when I blamed everyone around me for Jodi’s death. “If only this person or that one had acted differently, Jodi would still be here.” I’m sure this is where parents separate and families pull apart rather than support each other.6. Anger: “Why did this happen to us?” “If there was a God, my child would not have been taken from us.” “Why didn’t one of those ‘bad’ people die? Why did my good, beautiful, successful child, die?” You may isolate, skip social engagements and have a very low tolerance for other people’s petty problems; I did. Pass on the alcohol; it just makes things worse.7. Depression and re-examination of your life: The emotions are too much to handle. Emotionally I “checked-out” “I chose to build my life around my child. Now she’s gone. I’m a total failure as a parent. I couldn’t save her.”8. Self-pity. “I’m sure no one else has ever hurt this much.” “How can I ever go on; my reason for living is gone.” “I just want to hide under the covers; no one understands how much pain I feel.”9. Re-emergence: I began to see the light at the end of the dark tunnel. Perhaps it was simply my child’s time to move on, or to go home. I realize that I feel sorry for ME. My child is in a better place. Just as I begin to have good days, out of nowhere, I might have a complete, crying, sobbing meltdown. The next day, I might feel better, the day after, not so much. It is the beginning of the path toward healing but there are still ups and downs.10. A Return to my beliefs and my faith: I know that “God” has other plans for my child. I will always miss her; I will hurt for a long time but there will be joy in my life once again. I hope and pray that “God” is watching out for my baby.We will never stop missing Jodi. She will always be a part of us. I doubt that I will ever get past the tears or the rush of feelings that wash over me when I see a mother with her daughter or when I take my granddaughters to ballet class or when the Holiday Season comes around. Our family will be on a journey together toward healing from the most profound loss that we have ever had to endure for a long, long time; but we will survive,Happier Times; Jodi & Ky, Lake Tahoe, California
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Comments
Thank you for you thoughts. I am sorry that you are in this place also. It does seem that HubPages draws lots of us here who are grieving. There are so many good people here; it is refreshing to hear something positive about the internet.
Thank You again,
MP
Madison: This article made my eyes wet as I fully understand this process of sorrow and "healing". It took my sister 3 years which is this year incidentally, for her to start living again. The sorrow on the first year was unbearable for her, and yes, until this day, lots of triggers reminds her of Omar.
She moved as you know out of NY because she couldn't cope seeing the same group of friends hanging out at their favorite places, minus her son... and the church were we had the funeral mass was practically in front of the townhouse where she lived, so everything reinforced her pain. She is however, in a better place today than 3 years ago, when we had the shocking loss, but as she says, the sadness or a sense of emptiness is still with her.
May peace surround you and your husband. Your daughter is beautiful!
VioletSun,
You are most definately one of Hub's angels! Thank you and I do hope the move was what your sister needed to help her through the healing process. I'm not sure you ever "get over" a loss; we just learn to deal with it. Your sister only had Omar until he was barely a grown-up. 18 is so young. I was blessed that I got to see Jodi finish college, get married and have a beautiful child. For that I am SO grateful.
Thank you again,
MP
madison i am amazed at the strength and wisdom you have gained through this experience. identifying the emotions you went through in the process of acceptance is highly admiral for it took a lot of courage to admit these things and face them. you speak the truth thay many would choose to hide and that is another sign of how much you have developed into an exceptional being. God is smiling upon you and I know your special angel is right beside Him smiling radiantly at the way you have evolved. you are special --- an angel of strength and character. thank you for being one:)
Dayzeebee,
Thank you for your flattering words but I feel strong right up until the moment that I have a melt-down! Sometimes what I believe and what I feel don't communicate with each other. Sometimes when I'm having a bad day, I try to remind myself that my loved ones who have passed have finished their work here and that they needed to move on. I do believe that they are in a better place, well and happy in God's light; but I will always miss them, especially my daughter, and that is about me feeling sorry for me! Thank you for your beautiful thoughts.
MP
Madison: I am writing a book, and this is for you, me and anyone who has the moments of meltdowns you just metioned to Dayzeebee.
One Step at a Time
"It isn't weakness to cry, get angry or feel sorry for yourself. As much as we may know that death is a natural part of life, the loss of someone who was a part of the tapestry of our lives, leaves us feeling alone, unraveled, vulnerable and cheated of the tangible touch; it is our right to be compassionate with ourselves and allow the tears to fill a river; to rage; to want our moments alone so we can indulge in the memories of our loved one. It takes strength to feel the full spectrum of emotions, and yet on the next day we will get up, move on with our lives, one step at a time. Down the road the steps will become less painful even if we will never stop missing those who have made the Journey Beyond this veil".
VioletSun,
Boy, are you right! We need to ALLOW ourselves to grieve, cry, scream, throw stuff if it is what we need to do at the time. The process is weird; some days I feel as if I making real progress, moving along with my life. The next day I might wake up, start my day and just have that sadness all around me. It is what it is and it's going to take a lot of time before I feel, if ever, that I've made real peace with the loss. The thing is, I know that my life will go on and someday it will get easier.
MP
Madison,
The more I read about you and your words, the more I feel like you are just some angel sent to comfort the many lives out there who could really benefit from your kindness and ability to share your feelings with others who really need it.
You are such a strong person and I am extremely sorry for your loss and especially sorry that you have to endure such sadness. I wish to have children some day and could really only imagine the pain of going through something like this.
Thank you for the strength you pass on to others, including myself. Here, I sit everyday thinking of how horrible life can be, but am completely ignorant of the fact that others are going through worse situations.
Karlyn,
Thank you for your kind words. Believe me, I'm not so strong! We are doing fairly well now. I hope this piece helps those who have lost anyone to recognize the grief stages and to know that what they are experiencing is a normal part of the process.
Thank you again and keep writing your articles; you have some really good advice to share on mortgage/real estate.
MP
Hi Madison, I had put together a nice comment and something went wrong - so I lost it. But please, let me try again to say that I am so sorry to hear about your loss of Jodi. She was a beautiful woman and was clearly loved very deeply! I hope that her son, Ky, is doing well and healing too. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Steph
Steph,
You must be a really nice girl, what you just said made me teary; that someone I've never met could say that. There are some wonderful people here, and i'm glad that I've met you and many of my other friends here. Just don't make me run!!! I need to get away from the computer and off my rump, but I will admire you for your athletic running prowess,( and count on me if you're doning running fundraising,) but I'm a pilates kind of girl!
Thank you and so good to meet you,
Madison
OOps, sorry, Stephanie,
Ky is doing so well. He is living with his father and step-mom, (who I love) and adorable little sister, he's doing well in school and still loves his grandma a lot! But HE is the most important person of this entire situation, and he is doing very well. Thank you for asking
Madison
Dear Madison,
I read and re-read your article about your daughter just to give me strength. I admire you for all that you have done to cope with her loss. We too have suffered a very recent and tragic loss of our beautiful 19 year old daughter Maija-Liisa.
She was the light of my life and I am trying to understand why she had to leave this beautiful earth and her family so soon. I love her and miss her so much. Thank you for showing me that a mother can survive such a life altering loss. I wish you strength and understanding in your journey.
Maritta
Dear Maritta,
I am so very sorry to hear about your loss. When a mother loses a daughter it is crushing because not only have you lost a child but you've also lost all of the hopes and dreams for the woman that she was and would become. I know the pain you are in and yes, we can survive. I don't feel especially brave, especially on some days!
I don't know what your belief system is, but I found that I got back to reassessing mine and the strength and hope that it gave me really helped. Also, writing about Jodi also helped me to put my feelings on paper and to face them. I put them online in hopes of helping someone else who, unfortunately, found themself in the same position. Helping helps me, as well; it it healing.
I wish you strength, love and light to support you and help you this difficult time.
Madison
I too am so sorry to read this and I will never fully understand it...I lost my younger sister to breast cancer 14 years ago and still miss her...My prayers to you and yours...I just don't know what to say to you my dear sweet Lady...Tears are shared...God Bless...G-Ma :o) Hugs & Peace
G-Ma,
Although I wrote this some time ago, it certainly still applies. I hoped it might help other grieving people. I'm trying not to "whine" about this; everyone has losses in our lives.
Thank you for your sweet words. You are a very special person.
Madison
I am so sorry about the loss of your daughter. I can't began to know everything you feel we have not lost a child, we came close. He had a brain injury and almost died he was 28...It was a normal between holidays evening for us when the call came. I knew from the minute we got the call things were bad. The flight to a bigger hospital. My husband acting like things were fine. I cried right away because they told us he was brain dead but it took three days for my husband to cry he just wouldn't face it. Then he cried and couldn't stop. We were planning a funeral figuring out if we needed to bury him by his grandparents or closer to where we lived. Even though the doctors gave up we wouldn't and told them to do all that they could. We believed our son was in there somewhere. I know how much all of that hurt our hearts. I can not image what we would have felt if our son had died.
I don't think you get over the loss of a child. You can heal some and you have to do that in your own time and not worry about what others think.
The same year our son was in the hospital his friend died. That was in 2001 and the girl's mother still has trouble facing each day without her daughter.
Moonlake,
Wow, what a story. Is your son doing okay now? I hope so; it sounds as if your story had a happy ending.
No, it's not easy to go on after losing a child but we do because, thankfully, we have others in our life who mean the world to us.
Your story is very powerful; you should write it. Writing about my loss helps me to deal with it and helps me understand the depth of what happened.
I do hope all is well with you now! Thank you for your words.
Madison
I'm so sorry to hear of your daughter's death.
Do you still see your grandson?
London Girl,
Yes, he lives halfway across the country but his father, step-mother and we have a good relationship so I see him often, thankfully. Thank you for you words, we're healing and getting on with our life. My two little granddaughters live near us so we are really blessed.
Madison
That's great - it would be an extra tragedy had you lost touch with him. We're lucky, in that we live 6 miles away from my parents, and unlucky in that both my in-laws died when I was pregnant with my son.
It's wonderful to be close enough that your parents can watch him grow! I don't know what I'd do if my other 2 little granddaughters weren't close by.
It's sad that your in-laws didn't get to see their grandson; life isn't always kind. Sometimes you just have to deal with the tough stuff. Did they have an accident? They both died near or at the same time, I just wondered if it was an accident.
Madisn
No, they died 5 weeks apart, from different illnesses, in their early 50s. Just one of those horrible things.
Good heavens! That's horrible. Your husband must have been a wreck. I don't care how old you are, it is so hard to lose a parent. When my friends' parents pass on, I try to go to the services just to be supportive of my friend. I may not even know their parents very well, but I still try to get there because I know how tough it can be. (We are at the age where we are losing our parents as a matter of course now; it is just the way the circle of life works.)
My mom and I had a conversation the other night about my father, who passed in January of 2007. He was in so much pain and so unhappy, I was so happy for him when he went. We all stood by his bedside, held his hands, and told him not to be afraid. We also told him it was Okay to let go because we would take care of mom. I've never been prouder of my nieces and nephews than that night. We had discussed helping Dad cross over and I was surprised that they all wanted to help and believed as I do that "life" goes on; just in a different realm.
I hope I get to leave with that kind of send off! With all of the people I love around me, letting me know they'll be seeing me again soon. Anyway, I digress; it seems Dad has been coming to Mom in her dreams, always in his uniform, looking young and dashing as he was in his 30's. I couldn't be more happy for him. He lived through the pain, now he is happy and feeling well, just waiting for Mom on the other side. She, however, isn't ready to go anywhere yet, thankfully! She's strong and healthy and has much more to do here. But she seems to feel more comfortable now that Dad has checked in!
It's weird because she's heard me talk about this stuff for years and years and she's never said much or given it much thought. I'm glad that she has seen him and she feel more comforted now.
If you think I'm nuts, just consider I come from California. I'm quite spiritual and consider myself a Christian; I just choose to believe in the next life in a different way than some religions would approve of!
Madison
It was a terrible time - my OH was 26, his brother 19.
Thanks for sharing your experience so that others might know that they are not alone in their grief. I'm so sorry for the loss of your beautiful daughter. I am glad that you are able to see your grandson, and I hope that you'll be able to share her legacy with him. He is very lucky to have you (and vice-versa, I suppose!) Sincere best wishes to you, Madison.
That was a very positive hub on a very sad situation, and it is great that you are coping as well as you are.... what a lot of sickness you have experienced. xxxx
RooBee,
Thank you for your thoughts. Our grandson actually just left after spending a month with us. We enjoyed him so much and had lots of good time together. He looks so much like her, it's amazing!
Brenda,
Unfortunately, death is a part of life. So are those little health "bumps" in the road. Not fun, but they do show up now and then. I still feel my life is blessed but now and then, I think back fifteen years and think that I would never have thought that our perfect life would encounter these twists and turns back then. We are doing well and I host a "grief" site on Facebook for parents who have lost a child; it has been an amazing part of my healing process. Bless you both and thank you for your comments.
I have felt like I have had a black cloud! I can see there are a lot of people as in yourself who has had many of mountains to climb also. ( I am trying so hard to hang in there. Justice for my son up coming trial are keeping me moving right now! So sorry for all your pain also. Your stages that you have gone through and still are, Im feeling all if not most of them already! Thank for sharing
I have felt like I have had a black cloud! I can see there are a lot of people as in yourself who has had many of mountains to climb also. ( I am trying so hard to hang in there. Justice for my son up coming trial are keeping me moving right now! So sorry for all your pain also. Your stages that you have gone through and still are, Im feeling all if not most of them already! Thank for sharing
Dawn, I hope reading this helped even a bit. It is a nightmare to lose a child, as you already know, and I can't imagine how difficult it is for you to wait for a trial and justice on top of dealing with your loss. Thank you for reading and I'm thinking of you.
Helpful Books for the Grieving--Especially Helpful To Me
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Don't Kiss Them Good-bye
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We Are Their Heaven: Why the Dead Never Leave Us
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Supporting Young People Coping with Grief, Loss and Death (Lucky Duck Books)
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We Can Make It Happen!
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Grief - Thoughts & Reflections
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A Dove at the Window: Living Dreams and Spiritual Experiences, with passages from the Writings of Emanuel Swedenborg
Price: $11.78
List Price: $12.95 |
womenfishing says:
15 months ago
Excellent article..Thank you and I am so sorry that you had to write it. I am currently in the grieving period and also started to write because of it. I agree it does help to keep some things into perspective.
God Bless!