Wives, Drum Roll Please...Number...

10. Anything with an output or capacity that can be measured in horsepower, lbs. of torque per sq. in., amps, gigs, watts, decibels, RPMs, BTUs, other cool sounding acronyms, warp, etc., but NOT pixels (ladies, I'm sorry, but you keep the camera, unless it's a video camera, then it's okay).

9. A blue oxford button-up (he may not appreciate it immediately, but he will need it one day, like when your parents visit).

8. A gift card to Home Depot, Lowe's, Best Buy, Circuit City, most sporting goods stores, and the like, NOT Pottery Barn, department stores, or any store that will require him to choose between categories of gifts (electronics, clothing, etc.). His brain does not work that way. There are tools, electronics, sporting good items he wants, but would never admit to. Give him the card, he will see the denomination and know which one he can get. If he has to try to think too hard about it, his head will explode (new ipod headphones or new jogging shoes....Ahhhh! Kapow!). Note: Sears is acceptable, but only because of its tool section, and that's probably the only section of Sears he knows about.

7. A sweatshirt with the logo of his favorite sports team. Always safe. Be sure to remind him to change when your parents visit (see 9. above).

6. DVDs and CDs are always good, but do not choose for him. A gift card to a video/music store is perfectly fine (and DON'T go shopping for movies or music with him, this is a decision that requires intense thought, "...an action movie you can watch over and over...or a classic?" Don't laugh, it's a decision that will last a lifetime.). If you are there pressuring him, remember: head, explode.

5. A dog.

...If he doesn't already have one.

...Unless he's allergic.

...Yes, really, a dog. Even if he's not a dog person, he'll love it, and love you for it.

...But not a "girly" dog (no toy poodles, or malteses-no offense to women, nor do I have anything against these dogs, he is welcome to give one to a daugher, or niece, or spouse, even joint ownership is okay, but just imagine the following:

Bill: "Hey John, what did you get for christmas?"

John: "A Shih Tsu."

Bill: "A What?"

John: "A Shih Tsu."

Bill: (Laughing intensely) "I know, I heard you I just wanted to hear you say it again. Wuss.

Why would you want to do that to him?).

4. A box of meat. Steaks, chops, burgers, even sausages will do. He'll love it. You may regret, but he'll love it.

3. A bag. A gym bag, back pack, brief case, barf bag, it matters not. Men love them, and we can always find something to put in them. The bigger the better. The more compartments and straps and hooks the better. Get it in whatever the latest, greatest and most scientificly tested material is trendy. Imagine:

Sales Associate: "Yes ma'am, this particular bag is made from a new polymorphic, thermally integrated, hydroscopic, alloyed polymer thread, with bullet-proof, flame-retardant resin zippers, buttons and latches."

Gift Buying Wife: "Made from what?"

Sales Associate: "He'll love it. Trust me."

Christmas Morning:

Man Opening Gift: "Wow! I love it. Did you know that this bag is made out of a new polymorphic, thermally integrated, hydroscopic, alloyed polymer thread?"

Gift Buying Wife: "Yes dear."

Man Opening Gift: "And did you know the buttons are made from a bullet-proof, flame retardant resin?"

Gift Buying Wife: "Yes dear. Siiiiiigh!"

He'll love it.

2. Black dress socks. It may not be flashy, but I assure you he needs them. Go look for yourself. All the ones he has now have holes in them because they are 197 years old.

And No. 1. (cue "Hail to the Chief" background music please.) A little love. That's all I'm saying. Treat your husband. Afterward, he won't care what you got him. Enjoy.