10 Signs that he/she is no good for you
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Don't be afraid to give up something bad!
Loneliness has got to be one of mankind's biggest fears. Fear of being alone and being lonely, fear of having to spend the rest of your life alone, fear of not having a partner, fear of having nobody to share your life with. All these fears go through our mind and it's this fear that often makes us remain in relationships which are no good for us. Instinctively and subconciously, we know that we should get out, but fear of being alone and perhaps not finding someone else is what makes us hang in there and hang on. Even if it is to our detriment. However, there comes a time when you need to re-evaluate your current situation, put your pride in your pocket, and end the relationship as soon as possible. If your partner shows many of these signs, you need to take a good long hard look at your relationship, and ask yourself, "Is it worth it?"
- When the bad times outnumber the good - it's generally a good time to make a decision to leave. Why stay in a relationship that makes you unhappy, comfort-eat and miserable? I hung in a bad relationship for years because I always told myself that when the times were good, they were awesomely outstandingly good. Unfortunately, when they were bad, they were putrid. It was only when I reflected on my relationship honestly, that I admitted to myself that one excellent happy time, surrounded on both sides by ten terribly unhappy times, did not make that relationship worth staying in. Make yourself a T on a piece of paper. On one side write down the good times you remember and the dates. On the other side of the T write down the bad times you remember and the dates. That will help you ascertain if your relationship is generally good or generally bad.
- When he/she constantly puts you down - if your partner doesn't appreciate you the way you are and constantly criticizes you, don't put up with them. Tell them you don't like it and you find their behaviour unacceptable. If they persist, put boot to rear and kick them out. Nobody deserves to spend their life being constantly demeaned and put down. And if it happens in public, in front of your friends, that's even worse. For a start, it's embarrassing for you and for your friends, but also it shows that your partner has little or no respect for you. I find it hard to believe that you can have love without respect.
- When he/she loves using the 'silent treatment' as a weapon - then there's no communication. Without communication, relationship struggle. It's amazing how many of us use the silent treatment as our weapons of choice. You piss me off, then I'll punish you be refusing to engage in verbal and nonverbal communication with you. I turn on the 'ignore button' and pretend you are not there. My grandmother believed wholeheartedly in that old saying, "Don't let the sun go down on your anger." She was right. Don't ever go to bed angry. If your partner indulges in anger-sleep, then pray they are inflicted with nightmares and dump them in the morning. You can't fix something, if the other person won't talk to you and tell you what's wrong. Life is too short to waste time on a person like that.
- When he/she treats your family members badly - hey family is everything, right? It's okay for you to make snide comments about your family, but when someone else starts making nasty comments, or gives them the 'ignore treatment' or is abusive in any way, then why the hell do you want to stay with them? Many divorced parents or single folk with children worry how their new partner will take to their children. If they are mean, nasty or you suspect they may be abusing your children, then get out. Never put your child in danger. I know that that is easier said than done. But life is too short to put your child at risk. Emotional, mental and verbal abuse is just as harmful as physical abuse.
- When he/she loves nasty substances more than you - should they enjoy just a little too much, alcohol and other potentially harmful substances like drugs, then seriously, you don't need that person in your life. Granted, you get happy drunks who can be very entertaining at times, but even that kind of entertainment gets wearisome. Unfortunately, sad drunks bring you down with them, and angry drunks have no control over themselves and you can end up getting hurt. You are not going to change them. Love alone won't change them. Only they can change themselves and unfortunately, many don't really want to change as they are running away from something. If your partner spends too much time with drugs and druggie type friends, just don't go there. You deserve far more.
- When he/she has jerkish friends - sometimes you can tell a lot about a person by the kind of people they hang out with. If their friends are thugs, your partner is probably a closet thug, even though they seem to be such a darling to you. If the friends are loud and uncouth and make you feel uncomfortable in their presence, your partner probably behaves the same way when you are not around. One of the things of getting involved with another person, is that you take on their friends and family as well. You get the whole package, and if the other people surrounding your loved one make you uneasy, then there's no point in staying around, as over time, it will get worse.
- When suspicious creatures crawl on your privates - and you know that you have been very very good and faithful, even though the pool boy was very tempting in his little red speedo, then you could only have picked up those little friends from your partner. That means one thing. Your partner hasn't been faithful to you. If they cheat once, they'll do it again. It's your choice whether or not you can live with having a cheating partner or not. Some people actively seek open relationships. However, you have to set some ground rules then, that they'll take all the necessary precautions so that you don't get invested with their friends and spend all day itching and scratching until you bleed.
- When he/she never bothers to acknowledge your beauty, good looks, skills, intelligence - there's a good chance you'll end up being taken for granted. Everybody likes recognition and appreciciation and if you get neither, the lack of it will slowly eat into you like a cancer. The more you give, the more some people will take. You don't want to spend the rest of your life as a doormat.
- When some of their habits are repulsive - you might be able to put up with it initially during the honeymoon period, but the blind eye soon starts to wane and irritating habits will annoy you until you become crazy. Look out for people who pick their nose in public and wipe it on the back of your couch, eat with their mouths open so that you can see the chewed food being mixed with saliva and being slowly masticated, pee on the floor and the seat and don't wipe it up, slurp their drink with a loud noise that makes the hair on the back of your neck stand up. In time, you'll want to commit murder.
- When he/she can't work with money or hold down a job - my grandmother always used to say, "When money is tight, love goes out the window." How right she was. There is nothing that puts strain on a relationship more than a shortage of money and a partner who is unemployed. While initially you find it quite uplifting to be supportive, it will eventually get you down. Especially when you see your hard-earned money being frittered away on unnecessary items. In the current economic climate, many people have lost jobs and have found themselves unemployed. This is not their fault. However, you do get some people who can never seem to hold down a job. They never stick to anything and always seem to have problems at work. It's a pattern. Those are the people best to stay clear of. It can't always be somebody else's fault when they lose their job.
Fear, Phobias and Frozen Feet
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Comments
Lol Jodi, not sure if I'm wise, but I am one of those lifelong learners and things happen to me and sometimes I learn from them!
LOL, maybe cyber-sex and relationships is the way to go, eh?! :D
Well written Hub! Those are all valid points.
By the way Congratulations on your 100th Hub!
I think too often we start a relationship by deluding ourselves. Then seeing the truth means that we have to admit to making a mistake - something very difficult for most of us to do.
We need to get honest with ourselves. Admitting a mistake creates short term pain. Boom and it is over. Staying in a draining relationship is very long term pain and the longer it goes the more pain you endure exiting it.
Jodi, I don't know. For me there's something very creepy about cybersex relationships. How do you know the other person is a man and are who they say they are?
Anamika, thanks! Can you believe I've hit 100 hubs already!
John I agree completely. We do need to start being more honest with ourselves and admit when we've made a mistake. I got married because I was too pig-headed to admit I had made a mistake, and my marriage ended in drama. The whole mess could have been avoided if I was honest with myself. but then, I wouldn't have had my great children!
This was very fun to read, Cindy. I my past relationships, I've been both the victim and the villain in the matter (granted they were innocent when I was the villain). One of the things that I didn't do well enough was LISTEN. I didn't read between the lines and work harder to maintain the relationship. Let's not kid ourselves. Love is work and work for love is the labor of love. Problems will always arise and our ability to cope with our problems pertaining to our relationships will determine the outcome. Thanks Cindy.
Thank you for a thought-provoking Hub, Cindy. The thing that concerns me in loveless marriages / relationships is the children. What is the better option from their perspective and how does one decide if you keep their welfare at the top?
And I see you are in Tanzania. How are things there?
I was just being cheeky (with on-line thing), Cindy. :)
I agree with John and yourself. Geez, had I been honest with myself, I probably would not have married whom I did. Yet, I am so grateful for my child. The trials and drama's taught me so much and having my child made all of it worth the battle.
@dohn121- I can so relate to as well. His words resonate with me and it does take work to create a beautiful reality!
You are so insightful about relationships, Cindy. This is right on: "Don't be afraid to give up something bad!" Great hub.
It took me a long time to "catch on". However, the past twenty years have been the happiest in my entire life (I'm in my 70s) and I've been living alone. Not knocking relationships and marriage, but I just never got it right.
All I know now is I need a D-I-V-O-R-C-E!!! and quick LOL! Loved this hub Cindy. =)~ JJ
Great list Cindy. I am actually going to foward this to a few friends maybe they will get the hint. You really nailed all of the signs.
You are HP's greatest relationship specialists. You are the bomb Cin. x0x
An excellent hub full of sound advice
I liked your Hub. Women need to value themselves high enough to walk away from a man who obviously does not deserve them!
There are usually signs beforehand. Unfortunately, I missed them way back when I married my first husband, but see them clearly in hindsight! Pay attention to the signs, ladies! They are probably there. Great hub and yes, I agree, you are a wise lady. Too bad some of it came from personal experience. Unfortunately, some of us have been there too. Had you written this 22 years ago, I could have avoided all that lol. Keep up the good work.
That sounds very good. Perhaps, though, some of those are fine for a bit. After all, if you've been in a marriage for 10 years, and your spouse loses his / her job, and is grumpy, miserable and not earning for a bit, that's a time to be loving and supportive. Providing, of course, that he doesn't lose jobs like most people change socks!
Dohn you are sooooo right. Love is hard work.
Sabu, Tanzania is fantastic! I think it depends on the individual. If a loveless marriage is impacting on thge child as their is abuse, then it's best to end it. But some loveless marriages do work if the couple are bothe commited to their kids and don't fight.
Plants and Oils, yeah I was meaning losing jobs like people change underwear.
Thanks Connie, unfortunately, wisdom comes from experience, but if we can use our experiences to help others to avoid the bad experience, then it's all good.
Thanks Magg!
RCold, men also need to walk away from bad relationships!
Blonde, as soon as I manage to get internet at home, I want to start a relationship website where people can contact me for advice. You could also dish out advice. I'll work out details and conbtact you.
TM, if your friends can get help from this, then please forward it on.
JJ, have to admit, your partner does sound like a miserable bastard!
Jodi, lol you cheeky minx! Yeah, being honest with ourselves is the best.
Alekhouse, do you think your life would have been different if you'd given up on a bad relationship earlier?
lolol .... Good points there. I think one should take a printout of the list and keep it handy. And also let the partner know that the boot is ever ready for planting on his/her backside! :p
SO true on the puts you down in front of other people. I hve been in that situation and tried to laugh it off in the moment but after thinking about it, it became very clear this person was not worth the time I was putting in with them! RCold you are so right on, women do need to value themselfes higher, We are not mean, your just not good enough!
I have had recent experience with number 6. Met the best friends and saw a whole other side to the side. Under cover thug is right ! haha
Jaspal, we should make potential partners sign a contract before dating them. One of those, 'Thou shalt not...' things.
Atgny, laughing when you are put down is a way we hide our embarrassment. But if someone does that to you continually, give em a kick!
Drew, lol friends do say a lot about a person!
I enjoyed every minute of it.
Nice post..this is cool . Thanx author. I would also like to share few more wonderful writings :
Kim, glad you enjoyed this!
John, thanks for sharing! Will look at that later. Am busy getting my class ready for the start of school tomorrow!
great and excellent hub. I like it. your hub is useful to increasing the relationship level into good standing. Now I get knowledge how to know that she is good for me or not. I am still single for now. I think from your hub I have a weapon to find good partner for me. two thumbs up for you. thanks for share.
Thanks for stopping by and your kind comments, Praetio. I'm glad you found my hub useful.
Oh yeah, when you're in the midst of it, it can be hard to see the true nature of your relationship. A list to think it through could be helpful. Constant criticism is one that can slip by the radar. Hey you're not being hit right? And yeah, they may be faithful, but dang that's depressing and damaging.
I hate the way this list generalizes. People and relationships are not this simple. If you need this sort of "advice" you are probably not mature enough for an adult relationship, anyway.. stick to casual friends and do not breed until you grow up.
This should be required reading for every young woman who "thinks she's in love." I could have used #5 and a few others to save me a lot of grief when I was younger.
Mulberry, you are so right, it is definitely depressing and damaging!
Dave, you are right that people and relationships are never simple. However, I don't think that reading a list like this has anything to do with being mature enough to have a relationship. But, thanks for taking the time to comment and voice your opinion.
Jerilee, love does tend to be a lot blinder when you are young, and it's quite sad that life's experiences as you get older make you cynical.
Pachuca213
LOL I'm sorry, but I had to laugh ! I've lived all the above, and my first separation was 3 yrs ago. Should have stuck with it ! My life would be a lot farther then it is today. When you have a partner that does all but uplift you, its time to roll. Good Postings. Great Hub. Thanks !
Hey, I dont mean to blow my trump or anything but I'm quite a catch. *brushes imaginery dust off his shoulders* hey, so on point Cindy. You're in your element! :)
Great advice Dr. Cindy. That DUI woman resembles that transgender Mayor in Oregon, can't recall the city, but it sure looks like him. LOL The ol' blind eye opens pretty quickly after the honeymoon, yep, sure does.
good advice :)
Pachuca, my experience, is if you get back together after a separation, it seldom works longterm. Maybe I'm just cynical, but all the things that irked you before will still be there.
Fiery, I'm sure you'll make some lucky lady very happy one day!
Ralwus, yeah, those rose-coloured glasses pack up after a few weeks.
Ktowers, thanks for stopping by and commenting!
Oh wonderful so you are going to have like a "Dear Cindy column?" Woo hoo and my advice.......oh things are lookng up indeed.
Thanks for your wise thoughts,i am going to apply to my relationship!
This is so real!! Funny how some people will see all these signs and ignore them.
Hi cindyvine, i enjoyed this article, and i love your writing.
You hit the hammer right on the nail.
Lazaro, thanks for the link
Blonde, I think together we can make an amazing site. Going to do it on Wordpress and give you admin access as well. That's my idea at any rate.
Lisa, glad I could be of help
Colorcode, some people won't notice something even if it jumps them and smacks them over the head
Asalvani, thanks for the compliment!
Pan, gimme a nail and I'll find the hammer!
Hi Cindy. I absolutely loved this hub, number 9 is my personal favorite, lol. I am so glad I finally found an online site with true writer's, won't go into some other site details just yet, but I am so happy to be here. Thank you, and all 10 brought a friend to mind. Will be sure to share it, so I hope you don't mind. Look forward to reading more of your work as well. Stay blessed.
very nice hub keep it up
Too entertaining, more please!
hi i cant belive that all i have read.its realy loving & inspiring.all am going to do now is find my love & not some one who plays with my feelings.thanks
One2recognise, this is a great site with lots of great people! Welcome to Hubpages and hope you have as much fun here as I have had.
Mch, thanks for dropping in and leaving a comment
Coach Stephen, lol, have plenty more! Have written 100 hubs on here. Jeez, how time flies!
Twin twino, you are so right. don't settle for someone who plays with your feelings!
Hai Cindy!
It is so good to be back in your corner of the Hubberverse! This one is another bookmark for me. It will serve as my dating bible when I get the nerve to start dating again. Thanks again Cindy!
informative hub that should be read by several people I know, especially both of my grand daughters. Just shared this page with my daughter to show her daughter. Thanks.
Very similar to an article on one of my hubs.
Click the link and you'll see the similar article.
I don't have to worry about this because I've been married 26 years happily, but I know someone who always feels that she needs to have someone in her life and won't let go of a partner until she knows that she has another. It has caused her to put up with treatment that she shouldn't. Great hub with a timely topic.
nice thought i have learn something
Sound stuff - can't fault it - been there, know the pain.
Thanks for all the comments. Have been having some internet woes this end. Freeman, will check it out!
I read your article and felt like it was my current situation being exposed. All of the things you said, and signs you've highlighted are what I am experiencing or have gone through as part of my current relationship. What rings through for me the hardest was your introduction that spoke to fears. I have all of them, especially the one about possibly not being able to find anyone better. Whenever I encounter that thought, I wonder if moving on would mean I would be jumping from the frying pan into the fire, or trading the devil I know for another.
Cindyvine, why so serious? Thanks for the tips on a relationship gone bad. Counseling can help in some cases and should be explored instead of flying off too quickly. Most of the time these women locate the same type of man and the cycle continues. They need to find out why the relationship went bad and to be more selective after getting counseling and discovering who they are as a person.
I agree that it starts within a person, if they do not value, respect or love themselves, then they can not expect someone else to. I see so many people looking outside themselves for answers, another person will NOT complete you,
Because you have to find out what issues you carry with you and then try to fix them before you meet someone who will compliment you so that you can build a relationship that will stand the test of time.
Its easier said then done, due to all the physical aspects associated in relationships, the complexities make it hard to do when people are wanting and seeking to be loved.
I like this hub, it's definetly happened and still is happening to a lot of women/men today. "Putting up" with stuff like this for no other reason than they don't want to be alone, or they think they can't find another man to be a good person and have a good relationship with them. There's so many people on this planet, in your country, in your state and in your city that could be better than someone that is like this.
Just a writer, if the person you are with does not make you happy, then there is no reason to stay. Maybe you have to try quite a few before you ind the right one, but don't let fear of not finding a replacement make you stay in a bad relationship.
Linda, lol, I can get serious occasionally, and you are right. It is easy to fall into the pattern of the same bad relationships. Breaking that pattern, is the subject of my book, Fear, Phobias and Frozen Feet.
Research Analyst, you are so right and sometimes it makes me wonder how any relationship can succeed, with all the issues and baggage we bring along with us!
Babypnk, my Granny always used to say, there is someone out there for everyone. Don't just settle on the first one if they don't make you happy or abuse you in any way.
nice hub .write better
Thanks Shakhawat, I'll endeavour to write better.
Interesting article one of the things that I say is that you can never know anyone totally.The don't let know who the really are in the begining and in the end the truelly show you who they are. The truth is that you do have to be true to yourself. It took me twenty five years to realize that the man I married never loved me he married me because i had his child.So I left about 10 years ago but we never divorced. Last month he comes to me and ask for a divorce so he can marry a twenty five old that has his child. He has a thirty year old and a twenty five old daughter by me. It seems to me that he is repeating the same thing again. I think what brothers me the most is that he has moved her into our home that my name is still on the deed, he thinks that is ok because I chose to leave ten years ago.And the other piece is I know that they have nothering in common she is 25 year old girl with two kids and sees him as the American dream.I am trying to forget about what they are doing and go on with my life because I know that you can't change the way people think.
it's nice. i enjoy it.
She's really serious :)
Can't stand with some woman like that.
Pnspann, goodness, that is horrible. I can only imagine what it must feel like, your husband marrying someone younger than your daughters!
Sha Kamal, thanks for commenting and leaving your spammy link. I did delete your second spammy link by the way. One was enough.
VC, ah, serious women can be fun as well!
For some of these 10 things, you could work through them together. For example "When some of their habits are repulsive" - it is possible that they don't know they are aggravating habits and would be willing to change them.
RYPContent, great idea and plan. All relationships take work and you're right, sometimes they may be unaware that their habits are repulsive!
great hub!
Thanks Bredavies! It's easy to write from experience, don't you think?
I think everybody can make an amazing Income...http://2earncashmoney.blogspot.com
Good points. I think I have dished out some of those top ten or been treated in that way at some point.
May I add Cindyvine, when your husband's attention begins wandering all over anything under the age of 30 at the country club and, he says in passing, would you like a boob job for your birthday? Well at least he notices something about me, but I don't need it pointing out in front of the handsome pool guy. I guess the issue here is one of a mid-life mid-relationship crisis? Anyway, if I found any suspicious creature crawling in his privates, I'll darn well show them both the door.
Great Hub :-)
Well-written, cindyvine! I know someone who's in a relationship that's DEFINITELY no good for him. Maybe your advice will help him see that he deserves better. Thanks!
This was great loved it! made me laugh some too lol and everything was mad true!
You live in Africa under a mountain ... Hmm ... Are there other humans around and how do you get internet access? LOL
I know you have plenty of wonderful comments via this article....I just thought one more wouldn't hurt. I am new to hubpages...I was refered by Emma Sutton...I don't know if you know her but she is pretty big on this site....Your article rocks! Thanks for sharing!
Pretty dang smart hub...and the paragraph about private-critters is hysterical! But not, really...if you think about it ?? Loved this one!
Wow your right on the money with this...
This was a good post. Images saying better than words.
Yeah, I love next to Kilimanjaro which towers above our town! And yes, there are other humans around, and the internet, don't get me started. It's driving me mad at the moment. Glad you guys enjoyed the hub and found it useful. And, please pass it on to people you think might find it useful!
I think after only a couple of these you should catch on.
great advice...I wish I had you around 10 years ago...but no use in crying over spilled milk. Thanks for the reminder though since I'm new to the dating world, being newly divorced and all...wooohooo!!!
thanks again!
that's sorta research. Must have been a great deal of work for you. I am single now, but next time i will remember them
This was a good post.
thank ...
nice hub man These points are really very useful and are fact of life. But still there are many others that can break your relationship.
Great comments on this interesting hub! I like John Chancellor's comment that talks about deluding ourselves and lindagoffigan's re: self-esteem. Of course, falling in love during times of crisis - deployment to war, family problems, trouble in school, etc. helps the delusionary process - along with dopomene or pheno-whatever - you know, the chemicals that add to our addiction to a person :) Having said that, sometimes when the people are centered and always when they are good to each other, the chemistry lasts forever. Here's to those good and healthy relationships!
Wanna find a tall partner???
Here is a very nice place----------- Tallfinder.c-o-m -----------It's where Tall singles looking for someone to enjoy their lifestyle with.You are just seconds away from taking that first step towards the life you have been longing for...
Thanks for all the comments! Internet is intermittent here in darkest Africa, so I'm not able to comment daily as I used to. And of course, the power goes off and on the whole time. Very, very frustrating! But oh well, such is life in the slow very laidback lane.
Great hub! This needs to be a must read for all women - especially for those who are trapped in abusive relationships!
Kartika, thanks for the comment! Sometimes people trapped in abusive relationships need a little kick to get them to leave. Not a literal kick!
Too many run-aways, do we divorce infront of our kids and h ow many partners do we go through, and we find everyone is bad and we are too and travel from place to place.
If they are no good for us, we shouldn't marry them in the first place!
Chomp through some of these!
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Jodi Hoeksel says:
4 months ago
I love it, Cindy!! Geez, you are so wise. :)