While Halloween parties may be a real treat for some, for those who are not fans the trick is sometimes finding a way to get out of going to them. Avoiding that dreaded Halloween party doesn't have to mean offending the host. All that is required is The Two-Part Lie", which is essentially one, big, lie told in two parts:

A. The foundation for the lie

B. The lie, itself

Sure, you could wait until the evening of the party and just say you're sick, but that means living the lie of pretending that you're going, pretending that you're putting together your costume; and even thinking up details about that costume in order to satisify the anticipatory questions of anyone who is actually looking forward to the event.

The beauty of The Two-Part Lie is that is gives you an excuse to be "preoccupied" and/or "busy" in the two weeks leading up to the party. ("Oh, I haven't even thought about what I'm going to be. It's been so crazy these days." "I think I'm going to have to just drag out my old witch costume. I don't have the time to go shopping for a costume.")

Note About "Costumes in the Closet": There are two old, stand-by, costumes that require little preparation and props. The witch costume is the women's costume that fits the bill. The "hobo" costume is the one to which men can resort when necessary. Telling friends you have one of these costumes all tucked away in the closet will stop all talk of getting costumes ready, even if you need to let your friends think you're settling for an unimaginative costume this year. Remember to act as if you're disappointed to have to settle for this lousy costume. (You want your friends to realize that you are otherwise "enthusiastic" and "creative". "It's just that this year is different.")

The key to The Two-Part Lie is first laying a believable foundation, but doing this can be a process, rather than a one-shot deal. Ideally, the beginning of the foundation for the lie should begin no more than two weeks before the party; although once you become experienced in executing The Two-Part Lie you may become more comfortable with moderate alterations of start times.

Before starting the process of building your lie's foundation you will need to know what your lie will ultimately be. While you can, of course, dream up your own lie (and foundation for it), selecting from one of the following classic lies usually serves the purpose well:

1. You develop a medical condition that you "sense coming on". Developing a medical condition is, perhaps, one of the most effective ways to get out of going to a party. It does, however, take some planning. When developing a medical condition be thoughtful and don't develop one that will worry family and friends. Don't tell the host of the Halloween party you are having a lump removed for biopsy. That's just cruel. Instead, develop the kind of medical condition that is known for severe pain and yet that is boring enough that others won't want to hear the details.

Swimmer's Ear and Back Problems may be the best choices. (Today's punctured ear drum won't be painful by the day of the party, but Swimmer's Ear can always be later diagnosed as a stubborn ear infection that hasn't seemed to respond to that new anti-biotic your doctor thought would work better than an older one. (Keep in mind that the ear problem you create now can also serve to get you out of work when you need a "mental day", get you out of Thanksgiving with the inlaws, and - since it is apparently so stubborn - maybe even that Super Bowl get-together. The ear ache that "starts to come on" today can "really get bad" a few days from now. It may even "die down" for a few days - only to come back off and on over the two weeks leading up to the party. Unfortunately, it "chooses" to really get bad the day of the party. (You "think you need to see the doctor as soon as you take down the Halloween decorations.")

With regard to back problems, there's a reason people "develop" back problems after a minor fender bender. Everyone knows how handy "back problems' can be. The box you "lift wrong" today may not start to cause you problems for another day or so. Make it a point to tell a few people you lifted a box incorrectly, but tomorrow tell those same people you're surprised it didn't seem to bother you after all. After another day or two, start to mention (again, to all the same people and a few more) how your back is really starting to act up "after you thought you had gotten away without problems from lifting that box". You don't have to hobble around as if you're in pain. After all, you aren't someone who can't take pain. Still, try to groan a few times when you stand up after sitting (but only if someone is around - otherwise, it would just seem like a mental illness that has you slipping away from reality).

In the days following that development of increasing pain feel free to happily tell friends your back feels better, and that it seems (finally) the aspirin does help now. This will free you up to stop worrying about groaning when move. At this point the foundation has been laid for the day before the party, when you forget you've been suffering with a back problem, move too quickly, and make it worse than it was the first time you did it. You are still planning to go to the party, of course; but when you wake up on the day of the party you discover (much to your horror) that you "cannot even move". It looks like you will have to regretfully bow out. Remember to tell any hosts of any small get-togethers that you are in too much pain to have the party brought to you. (You never know.)

2. You develop a dental condition. A broken filling, a broken crown, a "traumatized nerved" (because you brush your teeth too zealously and sometimes irritate a nerve), and - if necessary (although it's really unattractive) - an abscess can all contributed to a severe toothache ("that doesn't just involve the tooth but involves "the whole right side of your head, your right shoulder, and your left big toe. This is absolutely the most painful thing you've ever had in your life, including (if you're a mother) childbirth or (if you're a man)...... hmmm, I can't think of one for men.

As with medical conditions, the key to developing a dental condition is to have something occur today, build on over the weeks leading up to the party, and have it flair up on party day.

3. Your relative develops a medical condition. Follow the instructions for developing your own medical condition (only don't groan if you get up out of a chair). Your relative does something that will clearly provide days (even weeks) of problems; and, of course, your relative needs you to help at his/her home. Note: Your relative should not develop a dental condition. Somehow, it just doesn't work.

4. Your car develops a problem. This is an easy-to-use lie that requires simply telling a few people one of three things (all all three, if you're not dealing with anyone who knows about cars):

a.. Your car is pulling to one side recently

b. It is cutting out on the highway.

c. It has a "horrible, thunking", and you can't even figure out where it's coming from.

Note: Do not use that your car is not starting recently. Starting problems are most often a battery problem (easy to jump start or have a friend bring a battery by). Starting problems could, of course, be a starter problem; but you don't want your lie to include an easy-to-diagnose problem.

The three problems mentioned provide you with any number of excuses for not fixing the car, not risking driving an unsafe car, having to leave your car in the shop while they figure out what's wrong with, and even having to bring the car back "yet again" even though you thought the problem was fixed.

The car-problem lie can turn into a "Smoke-Screen" lie because, after all, not even the mechanic knows what's wrong. All you know is that it is not safe to drive the car, you have to wait until your next paycheck or day off to get a second opinion, and - unfortunately - you cannot go to the party. (Actually, you don't really feel much like partying anyway. After all, the car problem is just one several "big nightmares" in your life these days.)

5. Your aunt-by-marriage (to whom you're not, of course, all that close) dies but will not be waked and buried until her son (who now works in Australia - or the US, if you're in Australia) can get here. Of course, the death of Dear Old Aunt Camille puts you in touch with people you haven't seen in years, and one would really be surprised how much the death of an aunt-by-marriage can affect one's schedule.

Note: Never lie about real people dying. It's creepy. Some people may worry that the gods/God (depending on beliefs) would teach them a lesson for doing such a thing. Besides, what are you going to say when they really do die?

6. Pretend you have been attending meetings of a religious cult with a friend, and you're considering joining. A few days before the party tell your family and friends you did join after all, and it turns out that Halloween is frowned on by your new religious buddies. After the day for the party has passed you can always tell the same family and friends the religious cult was not what you thought it was, and you're back with the Methodist Church. (It's too bad about how you missed the Halloween party for a religious cult you ended up leaving, isn't it?)

7. Develop an allergy. The foundation part of this lie is to tell people you have seen an allergist because you're so sick of feeling stuffy and wheezy. It seems to have gotten worse recently. It turns out that you've been given a list of things from which you should stay away, but you haven't had time to look at it yet. About a week before the party tell friends and relatives you've finally had time to look at the list and are horrified to discover that you cannot be in the same building with any of the following: pumpkin, chocolate, marshmallow peeps, candy corn, greasy make-up, sparkly stuff, tissue paper, salty snacks, doughnuts, apples, or plastic tablecloths.

8. Invent a long-lost friend. Excitedly tell friends and family that your closest friend from fifth-grade summer camp (with whom you have remained in touch off and on, thus maintaining the relationship) will be flying in the week before the party. She'll only be here for a few days, and you don't know when you'll get to see her; but you know she is Jehovah's Witness and would not want to come to the Halloween party with you. If you throw in that she's here because her mother died you will build in a number of possibilities in terms of the emotional support your imaginary friend will be needing. (After all, she feels so guilty that wasn't able to get here before her mother went into that coma.)

9. Develop a busy work schedule. This could be because your company is thriving, or it could be because they've laid a bunch of people off and now you have to do their work. (Be careful. People can always check the stability of your company online.) The foundation for this lie is to be chronically exhausted for the two weeks before the party. If the party is held on a week night or Saturday you may hate to say it but have to stay and finish a project that night. If it held on a Sunday you may hate to say it but need to use Sunday to get some things done that you've neglecting over the last two weeks. After all, if you don't get those storm windows washed and in place for Winter your heating bill is going to be more sky-high than ever, and since your company is laying people off (if, in fact it is - and, it's a lie, so anything is possible) you have to watch your budget right now.

10. This is breaking from all previous advice about getting out of a Halloween party, but since it is a viable option it is worth mentioning: Tell the truth. If you don't want to go just explain to your family and friends that it isn't something you want to attend. You can either explain what it is that you won't enjoy or just say, "I don't know - I know it would be nice to go, but it's not what I feel like doing this year." In this season of Trick-or-Treat and pretending, what a treat may be for you to just tell the truth and for your friends and family to just hear it.

On second thought, nah..... Develop a major problem with your furnace or hot water heater, live with it for a couple of weeks, and suddenly have to stay home waiting for the guy from the gas company the night of the party.