100 ways New England Ruins Everything
76
New England has a way of ruining things for the rest of the country
While it may be the cradle of our fine democracy, New England screws up a lot of what is good. Whether it is producing some of the most annoying and destructive people in the country or perpetuating the worst food traditions, New England often sucks. I am compelled to keep track of all the ways New England is ruining things for the rest of the country. The evidence is irrefutable. The country should look elsewhere for cultural, political, and culinary leadership. I nominate the Midwest.
100. Dunkin Donuts
99. New England drivers
98. Connecticut
97. Harvard
96. People who went to Harvard
95. Maine getting everyone's hopes up on gay marriage then letting us down
94. Family Guy
93. The Cleveland Show
92. Tom Brady
91. That whole thing with Henry Louis Gates, Jr.
90. New Hampshire Primaries
89. John Kerry
88. Clueless cab drivers in Boston
87. The Big Dig: Now when any other city wants to improve anything, some jerk says, "Remember the Big Dig?"
86. Emily Dickinson
85. Yale
84. People who went to Yale
83. Old money
82. Martha's Vineyard
81. Lobster
80. Salem witch trials
79. Puritans
78. Protestant work ethic
77. Parking in Boston
76. Lack of diversity in Vermont
75. Vermont thinking it's so progressive
74. 7-11
73. Religious intolerance
72. Latent racism
71. ACC expansion to include Boston College
70. Greenwich, CT
69. Foxborough, MA
68. Ben Affleck
67. Matt Damon
66. Dane Cook
65. People who like Dane Cook
64. People who quote Dane Cook
63. People who quote Family Guy
62. People who think Family Guy is funny for all the wrong reasons.
61. Boston accent
60. The Red Sox (with the exception of Kevin Youkilis)
59. No Happy Hour in Massachusetts
58. Douche-bags
57. Douche-bags at bars
56. People who pretend they have always liked the Red Sox, Celtics, or Patriots
55. Hartford, CT
54. UConn basketball
53. Patriot Fans
52. Movies that take place in New England
51. Jimmy Fallon
50. Men's Volleyball
49. Gelled hair
48. East Coast skiing
47. Genocide of Native Americans
46. John Smith
45. Baked beans
44. Massachusetts insisting on being called a commonwealth
43. Hasty pudding
42. People who quote "The Road not Taken."
41. People who insist on calling it "leaf peeping."
40. Judd Gregg
39. Dartmouth
38. George H.W. Bush
37. Rich prep schools
36. Contra dancing
35. ESPN
34. Sailing
33. Yachting
32. The Kennedys
31. The Harvard-Yale Game
30. Henry David Thoreau
29. Candlepin bowling
28. Olympia Snowe
27. Calvin Coolidge
26. Maple Syrup
25. The way people say Worcester
24. People say BosWash Megalopolis
23. Amtrak
22. The Whig party
21. The Federalist Papers
20. Slavery: it started in New England
19. Nautical-themed pashmina afghans
18. Clams
17. Aerosmith
16. Cape Cod style houses
15. New Hampshire not living free or dying
14. Having to correctly spell Connecticut, Massachusetts, Rhode Island, or Maine when in the third grade.
13. Middlebury Writers' Workshop
12. Franklin Pierce
11. No beer sales on Sundays
10. Samuel Colt
9. Mike Tyson
8. Martha Stewart
7. America's Test Kitchen
6. Andy Rooney
5. 50 cent
4. John Mayer
3. Joe Lieberman
2. Meat Loaf
1. George W. Bush
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Comments
It's not all bad. Just often.
This is just a joke right? Surely you can spend your time on better stuff.
Surely you can't be nominating Minnesota that's in Canada - right?
...just for fun, I'll update Woody's list:
"New England has a way of making things awesome for the rest of the country.
Indeed, the cradle of our fine democracy, New England has overwhelmingly contributed to what is good about America. Whether it is producing some of the most creative and interesting people in the country or perpetuating phenomenal food traditions, New England often shines. I am compelled to keep track of all the ways New England is superior to the rest of the country. The evidence is irrefutable. The country should look elsewhere for cultural, political, and culinary failures. I nominate the Midwest."
****
THE FIRST 50
100. Dunkin Donuts ) !!!!!!!!!!!!! what the.........................?!)
> I'll tell you WTF: best ice coffee for the best price, and they serve it year-round... and did I mention PUMPKIN SPICE DONUTS?
99. New England drivers (screw that- narrow that down just fine to "Rhode Island drivers" and we're all set)
> Screw that, right back - familiarity of the roads (or lack thereof) is what determines accuracy and speed... as such, all drivers hate drivers from anywhere else, but hate their own the most (cos they should all KNOW BETTER!)
98. Connecticut
> Mystic seaport should not to be missed
97. Harvard
> Square
96. People who went to Harvard
> Almost all of them eventually move to California... and the Midwest!
95. Maine getting everyone's hopes up on gay marriage then letting us down
> Actually, that was Maine effecting direct democracy instead of succumbing to an oligarchy
94. Family Guy
> Is hilarious, unless you're under 20 or over 70. Or live in Minnesota.
93. The Cleveland Show
> Is set in Virginia, smart guy.
92. Tom Brady
> XXXVI, XXXVIII, XXXIX
91. That whole thing with Henry Louis Gates, Jr.
> Proved that Boston cops occasionally do the right thing and that college professors occasionally behave worse than students.
90. New Hampshire Primaries
> Get over it. The people of Iowa pick corn, the people of New Hampshire pick presidents.
89. John Kerry
> OK, you've got me there. Good lord.
88. Clueless cab drivers in Boston
> In 2006, The Metropolitan Airports Commission in Minnestota were considering granting special dispensation for Muslim cab drivers who wished to avoid transporting passengers carrying sealed bottles of alcohol.
87. The Big Dig: Now when any other city wants to improve anything, some jerk says, "Remember the Big Dig?"
> The chief companies who were hired and employed to provide safe and reliable services on time and on budget and failed monstrously and criminally (Bechtel and Parsons Brinckerhoff) are headquartered in San Francisco and New York.
86. Emily Dickinson
> As you probably wouldn't know, the work that was published during her lifetime was usually altered significantly by the publishers to fit the conventional poetic rules of the time.
85. Yale
> Jealous.
84. People who went to Yale
> Sigourney Weaver, Lewis Black, Bill Clinton, Ben Stein, f***ing Arthur Herbert "FONZIE" Fonzarelli for godssake!!? REALLY!?
83. Old money
> Clichéd.
82. Martha's Vineyard
> You don't get 'outside' much, do you?
81. Lobster
> Put it in ravioli and shut the hell up already.
80. Salem witch trials
> Puritans originated in England.
79. Puritans
> Like I said.
78. Protestant work ethic
> Eat pancakes and play video games, pal. Go ahead.
77. Parking in Boston
> I've never parked more than a block away from my destination. 75% of all my parking has been free. I rec'd a ticket for failure to pay a meter. Once. I've been parking in Boston for 21 years.
76. Lack of diversity in Vermont
> Too much ice cream, not enough Single Malt Scotch.
75. Vermont thinking it's so progressive
> They don't. You just think they do because you can relate to driving your dad's Saab to meet your connection and paying him for a bag with your trust fund money.
74. 7-11
> Slurpees. Are you mad?
73. Religious intolerance
> If you don't think the South's got us beat, kid...
72. Latent racism
> If the shoe fits.
71. ACC expansion to include Boston College (yeh- wth was up with that??)
> Who gives a toss about college sports? Please.
70. Greenwich, CT
> You envy money way, way too much.
69. Foxborough, MA (why?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!)
> We weren't going to shoehorn a stadium into Cambridge now, were we?
68. Ben Affleck
> Affleck was born in Berkeley, California.
67. Matt Damon
> Damon is a board member of Tonic Mailstopper, a company that attempts to halt junk mail delivered to American homes each day. He's a hero for that alone.
66. Dane Cook
> You watch his specials, pal.
65. People who like Dane Cook
> Your friends watch his specials with you, pal.
64. People who quote Dane Cook
> You know when someone calls you 'pal' and you're not pals? Yeah, f*** that, pal.
63. People who quote Family Guy
> "Attention restaurant customers: Testicles. That is all."
62. People who think Family Guy is funny for all the wrong reasons.
> But the right reasons are OK, though. There, we agree.
61. Boston accent
> What the heck d'ya meen?
60. The Red Sox (with the exception of Kevin Youkilis)
> Go Twins! Oh, wait...
59. No Happy Hour in Massachusetts
> Happy hours encourage binge drinking over a short period of time, with the only point to get as drunk as possible in a public place. Boy I wish we had those back!
58. Douche-bags
> You've apparently never been to Minneapolis.
57. Douche-bags at bars
> You've also never been to The 400 Bar in St. Paul, either.
56. People who pretend they have always liked the Red Sox, Celtics, or Patriots
> Agreed. But they live in every other region EXCEPT New England.
55. Hartford, CT
> Have you ever been to New Haven? Hartford is a palace, kid.
54. UConn basketball
> No one even cares about professional basketball. College basketball?
53. Patriot Fans
> "Purple pride"? - bwahahahahaha!!!
52. Movies that take place in New England
> OK, there is no N.E. equivalent of 'Fargo', I'll give you that.
51. Jimmy Fallon
> Only funny with Horatio Sanz.
50. Men's Volleyball
> Fruit boots ('inline skates') were invented in Eden Prairie. A profoundly more socially destructive invention in every way.
I couldn't ask for a more thorough response. Well done.
Russell-D says:
4 weeks ago
But, none of those places mentioned have New England Lobsters. As a wise friend once said, "Lobsters are like Sex. There are no bad Lobsters." Also they have no Flume nor Cograil up Mt. Washington, Sandwich Glass or the huge Halibut towed thru the Cape Cod Canal. Or, even a Canal . Or, a Bay as gorgeous as Buzzards. I know you're trying for a put on, but please don't dismiss the natural beauty of the Green & White Mountains and a coastline others envy. David Russell