10 Reasons to Dump the Guy - He's Probably a Sociopath
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The Sociopath Next Door
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Getting It Through My Thick Skull: Why I Stayed, What I Learned, and What Millions of People Involved with Sociopaths Need to Know
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Well-Behaved Sociopath
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Confessions of a Sociopath
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Without Conscience: The Disturbing World of the Psychopaths Among Us
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He's smart. He's charming. You're crazy about him. Even if your friend's say that he's a liar.
Sure you’re crazy about him. After all, he’s charming, good looking and intelligent. You’re the center of his life. And even if he’s sometimes rude or dishonest with friends and family (his or your own), he’s always good to you. Other people just don’t understand. These are the signs of a sociopath.
Well, honey, looks aren’t everything. Before you marry a sociopath or start having children with him, surrender your precious life to him, you need to take a good objective look. Is your guy a sociopath?
1) He’s lied to you three times. That you know of. The lying won’t stop.
2) In arguments, his logic trumps your emotions and morals. When disagreements arise, he makes you feel inadequate, stupid or crazy.
3) He is contemptuous of others. Soon it will be you. Or your children.
4) He’s never wrong.
5) He does not show remorse. Everything is somebody else’s fault. If he did or said something out of line, he refers to it as something ‘that happened,’ not something he did or said.
6) People close to you warn you about him. Their vision isn’t clouded by love. Others don’t understand him but you do. You can save him from his martyrdom.
7) He goes for cheap thrills – sex, drugs, booze, out-of-the-norm, unhealthy, or compulsive behavior
8) He can be charming and often gets his way by appearing more clever than you or other people.
9) His good acts never go unnoticed. He is heroic!
10) He has notions of entitlement because he is better than everybody else.
How many popular songs have been written about this guy? While it all seems romantic now, if he is a sociopath, it’s all an act. Maybe he is happy. Because he is getting what he wants. Of course he is good to you. His ‘goodness’ is the bait. Your children will be the hook. You will become, in due time, his victim.
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Wuthering Heights by Emily Bronte
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Wuthering Heights (Barnes & Noble Classics)
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Svengali
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In 'Night of the Hunter,' Robert Mitchem plays a sociopath posing as a man of God
Narcissistic Personality Disorder and Anti-Social Personality Disorder
It has been suggested that the character I described is actually someone with narcissistic personality disorder, and, indeed, there are similarities. Also, a personality disorder can combine with another personality disorder as well as other psychiatric problems.
Narcissistic personality disorder occurs three times more in men than in women. The person with narcissistic personality disorder wants and feels he deserves the best of everything. That sense of entitlement makes him condescending and arrogant. He feels specially gifted and talented and may be preoccupied with power and success and a need for admiration. He feels no empathy with other people and will become defensive if criticized. He'll appear deeply wounded when his wrong doings are pointed out.
Obviously, someone with narcissistic personality disorder can be difficult to deal with or live with. He can cause great emotional hurt to those who love him.
But the difference between narcissistic personality disorder and the anti-social or sociopathic person is that the person with narcissistic personality disorder are merely callous and unfeeling in their treatment of others.
The sociopath's manipulative behavior is calculated and premeditated. the sociopath needs a victim and herein lies the danger.
She looks so happy -while she's singing about a cold blooded killer who the ladies love - Mac the Knife
- How do I know if I am in an abusive relationship?
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Guys who abuse their wives and children can somehow justify the behavior
Hubber Cindyvine on Abusive Relationships
- How do I know if I am in an abusive relationship?
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It works both ways
- Young Men Beware - Advice for Young Men From an Older Woman
There are lots of articles for young women that warn them away from potentially dangerous suitors. Women, so often seen as victims in relationships, have tons of advice at their fingertips from online...
Ted Bundy is an extreme example of a sociopath
- Ted Bundy
Theodore Robert "Ted" Bundy (November 24, 1946 – January 23, 1989) was one of the most notorious murderers in U.S. history. A serial killer, rapist, and necrophiliac, Bundy murdered scores of young women...
Mayo clinic on antisocial personality disorder
- Antisocial personality disorder - MayoClinic.com
Antisocial personality disorder — Comprehensive overview covers symptoms, causes, treatment of this debilitating disorder.
Why didn't you listen to your mother?
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Comments
That's what good friends are for, KCC!
But they never listen to the friends. They always say, "but you just don't know him like I do". LOL
A girl wouldn't really say something like that, would she?
OMIGOD! You described my ex-husband to a tee! Wow! He was actually diagnosed as being as a sociapath as he has no conscience and can't really form attachments to people.
Every single time when she's in love.
Just makes me glad the dating phase for me is in the past. My best friend is back to that stage, and I know exactly what you're saying, KCC.
Ummm....I am not a sociopath!
Nice article and eye opening too!
KCC and LaughingMom, thank you for your comments and discussion. It's so easy for a girl to be blindsided by the attention showered on her by a charming weasel. Why don't girls listen to their friends and the people who love them? How come the stinkers are so often the good looking ones?
cindy, I've read your hubs where you discuss your relationship with that stupid jerk. You'd think even a socoipath would know which side his bread is buttered on. Why do they turn on people who would stand by them, do anything for them even if it's only in self intererest, even if they have no conscience. I am so glad that you are free of that guy. It took a lot of guts to stand up for yourself and be yourself, and value the really cool, intelligent person that you are.
Christoph, aww, you ain't one of them. Can a sociopath ever really admit to being one? Can a sociopath ever even care to? They live in a world where they are right and everybody else is wrong. Thank you for commenting!
While I much enjoy your article, I fear that you're mixing sociopathy with narcissistic personality disorder. In point 2, his logic may or may not be present at all; the fact is that he does not experience emotion unless it directly pertains to how he likes to live his daily life. If the situation doesn't directly affect his pleasures, it doesn't matter. This is a sign of a sociopath. A narcissistic personality disorder will need to be right, regardless of his tactics. Again, many of the points you raise are more indicative of a narcissistic personality disorder; they feel entitled to the described behavior and continue to act so until challenged and beaten by another individual, at which point they back down or leave to find a lifestlye more conducive to their needs. This problem is characterized by manipulating other people's emotions out of a feeling of need or entitlement. A sociopath, on the other hand, is very callous with how they act because it's pretty much all the same to them. As long as they're getting what they want when they want it, everything's alright. When they're not, batten down the hatches and head for the cellars, folks, because you've got someone completely incapable of mentally placing themselves in other peoples' shoes who will do anything and everything to get what he wants. While the outcome between the two may be the same, there is a big difference in motive, intention, and the manner in which they go about achieving their goals.
Jarn, i really need to expand this one, it was written early on and I concede your point that the person described is certainly narcississtic, but the one who is a real trouble maker for young ladies to avoid is the narcissistic sociopath who feels entilted to treat a gal like shit. The sociopath derives pleasure from the manipulation of others and you sure don't want to deal with that. From a lot that I've read, they certainly are closely related. Thanks for commenting.
Jarn,
Thank you so much for this timely hub, as I am quite familiar with this sort of individual however I wasn't quite sure which disorder they had exactly. They need to identify themselves in this type of behavior and get help or medicine if that's what will help. When someone acts superior, and they are very attentive to you at first, and controlling... thus, characteristics of the sociopath. These people are more dangerous than we realize and can cause havoc in ones life. They also particuarly prey on others who have recently suffered losses of their own, financial, health, divorce and similar life situations. They zoom right in and are like vultures ready to identify and claim their victim. I urge anyone with these traits to get themselves some psychiatric counseling before they hurt even more people who enter their life.
Thanks again for sharing this information with us.
far too many people with this kind of behavior around in my opinion..... but then what do I know
Erin, the trouble with these folks is that they don't want help, everybody else is crazy. The reason they zoom in on vulnerable people is because such people are easy marks. I urge anyone involved with such a creep to show him the door real quick.
Brand, it does seem like there is a lot of that kind of behavior. Maybe they've been encouraged by the 'me first' attitude that was so popular for so many years.
That's a pretty good list of reasons to dump a guy. We all have had never wrong types in our lives.
MaryElena - actually, there seems to be quite a lot of the never wrong types.
I think you all should be very carefull of what and how you state things; it is always very easy to point a finger at someone else and disregarding your own flaws or lack of social awareness.
I get very frustrated that people can talk about someone else's persnality as if it's a disease but at the same time talk about themselves as if they are a gift from god.
PietrB - First of all, no one is specifically pointing a finger at any particular person. And of course we all have flaws. It's those flaws that attract women to sociopathic men, it's their weakness and dependency on guys who appear to be other than what they are.
The behavior described above is not really a disease but a character disorder. Diseases can be cured. Awfully defensive, aren't you?
Well I understand that my position might seem defensive.
But I believe it is for a valid reason; like you said women get attracted by those kind of men because of their own weaknesses.
Protraying it as 'the man being the problem or even a social/sexual predator' helps others believe that getting rid of him is the end of it.
But in fact it should only be the beginning in learning to understand themselves and even getting to realise that themselves are just as much to blame for putting themselves in such a position.
One of the reasons I am being so defensive is that despite this article doesn't exactly point out someone specific; it does encourage people to think that way; to blame the other.
It is even apparent in some of the responses to the article.
There is for example no mention of the fact that everybody displays sociopathic behaviour in some way or antoher to some degree. Just as much there is no explanation about getting rid of 'the guy' is only the smallest step of getting to know yourself and your own behaviour.
In return, your response of 2 months ago does not say anything of the sort (again). It even comes to the point where it begins to sound very unrealistic and even bitter.
PieterB, bitter? Because I called sociopaths stinkers? Or whatever? You might think I am talking about guys who just don't work out. I am talking about sociopaths. These guys (and gals too)actually need people to victimize. I'm sick and tired of the blame the victim mentality. If a guy (or gal) is manipulative, and dangerous, of course the proper course of action is to avoid them. You can't work things out.
But, hey, don't believe me. Look it up yourself.
You've missed my point entirely.
I'm not saying that they should be able to patch things up.
I'm saying, Don't blame the victim; but try to understand that there is no victim but an attraction in between two people.
Don't stigmatise sociopaths because -for all you might know- they act on just as much insecurities as the 'victim' who is looking for someone to protect and support her/him. A way of thinking and asking for attention which in its isolated way can also be harmful or 'wrong'.
These people get attracted to each other for a reason; if both don't learn how they are attracted by that. Then both can very easily repeat the pattern in a next relationship, and nothing is gained from that particular experience.
You can be just as dangerous and as manipulative to your own children and their mental health but(like most sociopaths or other charachter disorders) not even be aware of the mistakes you are making.
Don't run around labeling everbody, calling this one a freak and that one a victim.
It is a unrealistic way of thinking and psychology is much much more then text book quotes.
With all due respect...
Pieter - The very definition of anti social personality disorder includes a disregard for the rights of others, pathological lying, a lack of empathy, contempt for the feelings of others, and a lack of moral responsibility. The fact that these people are capable of great charm and can convince others (or con others) into trust makes them dangerous. I wrote this as a warning to young women. If you have a problem with this, methinks thou doth protesteth too much.
i've been seduced before by creatures such as you've described..
Excellent article and well presented... I pray it is not from personal experience though. If so, good for you to stand up and be counted! Thank you for sharing, and have a fnatastic day!
Thanks for writing this! My friend dated a sociopath once...horrible experience for anyone. They really are out there, people who have no conscience. The Sociopath Next Door is a great beginning book for anyone wanting to learn more!
Just had to stop by and say great hub :)
I lovee it! Soo true!
dijc - whoah, chilling remark.
chick, thank you for stopping by and commenting. I seem to have somehow insulted certain people, but really am only attempting to warn the nice girls to avoid trouble for themselves.
Bredavies, thank you for the comment.
Very informative hub. a great hub for all women to read. Great job!
Thank you very much, Crazdwriter.
I have five sisters to guard with. I've seen how the other men (boyfriends) made them laugh or cry. Some guys have other motives in showing off their girlfriends in public, as in PDA (public display of affection). Narcissistic traits of men was derived from Narcissus who never married because he felt in love with his reflection while looking at the water. It's nature for men to dominate the women. I think a relationship can be longlife if a man and a woman will understand each other's opinion, may it be positive or negative. Truth hurts and it's time for us not to just rely on our own opinion. Some people may see our other self through our actuations and the so-called unguarded moments or if we get drunk.
Travelman - it's not just about a girl crying, it's about abusing a relationship. A man domineering a woman, well in a cultural sense is one thing, but even in male dominated cultures, I don't think people appreciate a guy turning a wife or girlfriend into a victim - ie, stealing from her, hitting her, treating her in a cruel fashion, or belittling her.
I repeat, I have no problem with you unlawful behaviour; but please have the decency to carry it through to the end.
In deleting the messages that I write but which you can not rebut you only are belitteling yourself and making a joke of a free public forum which you yourself are dependent on.
Okay, Pieter. Happy now?
That's wonderful advice and well written! Thanks
stricklydating - thanks for stopping by and commenting. I appreciate the compliment.
where were you when i married my husband, i may have married him anyway but knowing what you are dealing with helps.i think that these guys do what they do because there is an audience for them.especially those that cheat.they are like parasites feeding off of people.god forbid some insecure damsel in distress comes across one of these guys because they will have a feast.and if drug addiction is a part of their life like my husband then hold on to your seat because you're going for a ride.
loveofnight - that is a horrible way to put it but after thinking about what you said, maybe you hit the nail right on the head. Maybe because such people have no empathy, no real feelings for others, they sort of suck the joy out of them... like, as you say, a parasite.
Nope, not at all.
The two messages I posted earlier about how your 'view' of such problems does more harm to the fabric off society then the very people which you describe is not here anymore.
You have coneveniently deleted that and my explanation about my own personal experiences with the people you so horrible describe whilst hiding behind psychological textbook quotes who were never meant to be interpreted in such a way.
You have simply chosen to leave my complaint about it, not the actual information itself.
So you all can complain to each other about these terrible persons some more without ever understanding the driving force that has put yourselves as well as them in such situations.
For the record, I'm not offended in any way. Not in the least bit actually; I only feel remorse for the fact that there are so many people searching for psychological 'demons' to dump their problems on.
So either you delete the entire conversation - or you bring back the posts that you censured in the first place. Since it's not that you will learn from it will you?
With regards,
Pieter Belmans, Belgium.
never heard this before..thank you for sharing and for the warning ma'am... :)...
Pieter - the reason I chose to deny your previous comments is that long, repetitious comments really don't get us anywhere. You stated that my deletion of your comments is somehow illegal and that, frankly, creeped me out. This is my hub and I can delete what I like. If you think that you can psychologically pressure me into printing everything you have to say, you are barking up the wrong tree. If you feel so strongly on the subject, why don't you write your own hub? It's easy and you can go on at great lengths on topics of your choosing and bring up points that you feel are important.
If you think that I am demonizing sociopaths, tell that to the victims of Ted Bundy. Tell it to my friend who married a handsome, generous, charming man to have him browbeat her, brainwash the self-esteem right out of her, then practically brain her. Tell that to victims of abuse everywhere, to victims of violent criminals who hurt other people for their own entertainment.
Sorry, Peiter, but I find it odd that you are so indignant, so pushy, and so trying to convince to to say that 'sociopaths are people too.' Maybe you read something in this hub that isn't really there or that I did not intend.
Well first of all,
The reason why I acted so strongly was because of your personal remark on my first comment, saying how 'defensive I was'. I believe this was totally uncalled for and the fact that you chose to react so personally was for me an indication, like the manner in which you wrote your article, that you are not exactly someone that others should listen too.
My thoughts became even stronger when you decided not to publish any of the comments you were not able to rebut. Offcourse, you are not obliged to publish them, and if this system is designed that you can delete any message you want; then that is a flaw in the system.
I was trying to appeal to your sense of decency, the deletion of messages that simply do not praise you for you glorious insight is, in my opinion, genuintly unfair/ or unlawful towards yourself I meant in that particular message.
Because you were abusing a public forum which functions on the sacred principal that everyone has a right of speech.
I was trying in this way to show you that their is a back side to things.
If you feel you have a right of censurship instead of participating in a public discussion; that makes you, in my opinion, no better then Stalin or Hitler. Since the basic method of thought is thesame.
Just as much I feel that you should not label everyone with these easily obtained psycological terms; because if a psychiatrist/psychoanalyst would do it to you, (and tell you his honest medical opinion), you would be surprised at what kind of horrible terms he would use.
It would be uselus for me to write a different hub since I wanted to understand how you came to believe such blaming thoughts. I am actually very interested in how you came to realise these things, even on how any of these other women came to realize these things.
I believe if you honestly search these thoughts and feelings and how they began; somewhere you will come to realize that they are indeed biased or perhaps even based on a social idea proclaimed in a ridiculous article like this.
My point in all was not so much that I wanted to show that 'sociopaths are people too' but that 'all of the people are more of a sociopath then most believe'. There are thousands of sociopaths terified of the world because of being judged like this, thousands that in fact do not lay a finger on their loved ones.
Yet you pick the few disfunctional ones and turn them into an example for an entire article about a basic psyological part of the human social behaviour system.
That's all I was trying to do - to understand and to show you that psychology is not meant to be used in such a way; and that you are doing more harm then most of the sociopaths out there. You are confusing sociopaths with people who have a strong tendency towards violance.
Like I said, I was trying to point out that the situation is much more complex; that these defenitions are not meant to be interpreted so blinding literally and that in fact you are encouraging people to think in a wrong way - in a way of using psychological terms to 'define' and then consequently 'blame' others, instead of realising that they have the same basic system up to a certain degree.
If you give me the numbers of these 'victims' I'll be happy to explain.
And yet again, you attack me personally. Calling me pushy and indignant which have no refference to the article or subjects whatsoever. I started discussing your train of thought and the things you wrote; you were the first of us making the mistake in getting 'up close and personal'.
I hope you realise that.
Respectfully,
Belmans Pieter.
Pieter. This is the end, okay. What my whole hub was about, was to warn young ladies away from a certain type of guy whose behavior I described. If a young man is a liar, if he belittles a girl's emotions, if he ridicules her morals, if he is contemptuous, cannot admit he's ever wrong, and has no empathy for others - he is not the kind of guy a young lady should hang around with. All these behaviors will only lead to pain and suffering for the girl.
Tell me, Pieter, if you had a daughter, would you want her to live with a guy like I just described? That's why I wrote the article.
The reason I deleted your comments was because they were too long and I thought our discussion (including my own remarks) repetitious.
This is not a public forum. This is my article. My hub.
So call me Hitler if you like. It's popular insult around here these days. Do you really mean to equate me with one of the most powerful monsters of the last century?
You have a right to your opinion. I have a right to mine. Let a thousand flowers bloom!
Hi Delores,
This is your brother-in-law. Good job! That guy sounded like a nut case. And his defensive posture as far as
Sociopaths are concerned, speaks volumes, doesn't it? I think you handled it with class and dignity from an obviously
troubled person. Great hub. I recognize some of the pics on here. Brings back memories. Keep up the good work! Lots of good advice, too.
Randy
HI RANDY! Thanks for reading my hub! Thanks for the support. You probably liked it when he called me Hitler, though. haha
Hi Delores,
This is great! I remember your Grandfather's house and Catherine. Liked the pic of your Mom, too. I think you have put a lot of work into this. Thanks. Got some tips. There is always one nut job on the net. LOL, I did chuckle, but you handled him well. Thnaks for this.
Randy (Delores' brother-in-law.)
HI Randy. Leave it to relatives to leave a comment that doesn't make any sense. What does Grandpop have to do with it. Grandpop wasn't a sociopath.
Hi Delores,
Now since when do I have to make sense??? Having grown up around you I knew all the stuff you were talking about. Your Grandpop's house ( I was there a few times)the pic of your Mom I have seen, and the stuff you were referring to. It was a compliment. Of course I know your grandfather wasn't a sociopath. That is reserved for my side of the family, LOL.
Ha, Rand, but that is another hub, another article, that's why I was confused. You are probably the only one in your family who isn't a sociopath. Mine are just weird.
Deloros, you hub is so right on, and rather close to home. The truth, sadness, warning and hope are all needed to be shared before 'the young ladies' get shackeled with that deceiving personality. Thanks for sharing so well!
Thank you, frogyfish. I know some folks have objected to my warning, claiming that all sociopaths are not violent. They may not all be violent but you don't have to hit someone to hurt them very badly.
KCC Big Country says:
5 months ago
Very good hub. How true, but so hard to see with the blinders of love on.