Note to the Reader: This play was written under the influence of mayonnaise. The author takes no responsibility for any side-effects the reader may experience, including: gas,indigestion,sleeplessness,difficulty operating a tractor-trailer,voting Republican and bursting into the Polish National Anthem at odd moments.

Note to Director: This play was first performed at Covent Gardens in 1828 to resounding cat-calls and tomato-throwing which only aided it in gaining notoriety and critical acclaim. The play has since become part of the modern theatre's standard repertoire.

To stage the play find actors who are able to not only sing and dance, but fly and cavort at the drop of a hat. The men should be played by women and the women should be played by men, and vice versa.

Ask the audience to refrain from laughing during the performance so as not to encourage the actors who will just get the wrong idea.

Note to My Mother: I won't be home for dinner. I have to get my hair cut. Remember to put the cat out and write a novel before retiring. Love Yorkie.

The scene is set in a lonely farmhouse somewhere in the mid-west. There is a kettle on the boil and chicken in every pot.

President Coolidge enters dressed as a bell-hop. He smiles secretively, imagining the fork he will buy someday, when he saves up enough money.

Samantha Edgar-Finch enters. She is a real beauty, even if she doesn't have a belly-button. Her age is between the age of consent and the age of majority.

Samantha: O President Coolidge! Do take my bags up to room 13. I will be staying here for the night.

Coolidge: What do I look like, a bell-hop? And this ain't no hotel. It's remote farmhouse somewhere in the mid-west.

Suddenly the lights go out.

There is a scream.

The lights go back on.

Time passes. A bus pulls up and everyone gets off.

The farmhouse is filled with Japanese tourists.

Pandemonium.

The curtain falls.

Scene: 20,000 under the sea.

Cod and Herring.

Corral and seaweed.

Water everywhere.

Enter, A Fish Called Wanda. She is about 33 years old and has long blond hair and fins. She swims over to the bar and orders a martini.

Wanda: God save the Queen! (she downs the drink) Barkeep, pour me another and don't spare the pocket lint!

(Note to myself: Re-write this scene but replace the painting of Thomas Jefferson on the wall with a plate of spinach.)

Wanda: Wanna see me do something dangerous? (She is talking to the barkeep but he thinks she is an outfielder for the Yankees.)

The sun sets. We are left to our own devices.

(Note to myself: Scenes One and Two were lost years ago... back when we was 'fab'. )

It is in this scene that all our hopes and dreams are squashed and we are left derelict and wanting more. In this scene the 12 nude penguins return. We are saved. They have not forgotten. Lest we forget.

12 Nude Penguins: Doing a little hokey-pokey they aspire to greatness.

Singing: "What kind of fool am I?

I never fell in love

You know that I'm the only one that

You've been thinking of."

etc.

The audience, at this point will rise to it's 'collective feet' and rush the stage.

Exit Actors in haste.

END

Author's Note:  This is only the first in a series of dramas which I hope to inlfict upon the public at large in order to expand their horizons without using a hammer. 

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