He is Michael Jordan. He has a career as fabled as Pele in the republics of Brazil, Portugal, Cameroon, Italy, New Zealand. It reads like myth -- a real, literal two-part children's book. Since joining the Chicago Bulls, part one is the rise from 1984 to 1991, and part two is 1991 to 1998. it meant the world to me because I started to get into basketball, and it taught me everything I know. There was something about seeing Michael Jordan in the 1991 NBA Finals. He was going against an opponent in Magic Johnson that SIGNIFIED a storybook enemy. He was everything people said Michael wasn't. A champion. A passer. A guy who could make everyone better. An offensive player who could, at the same time of doing all these other things, be responsive for over 60 points a game due to his point AND ASSIST totals! A guy who could make all the big plays to counter Jordan's turnaround, a guy who could take Will Purdue-like guys and make them big contributors like Tony Smith and Elden Campbell and the younger Vlade Divac, and better yet, Magic Johnson got to hide behind the success of one of the legendary teams of all time in order to laugh at Michael. Michael Jordan, going into June, 1991, for all his greatness, was John Elway. And he was about to face Joe Montana.

Then for five games you saw the five stages of Michael Jordan. You saw a dude jump in the air, WEAVE PAST SAM PERKINS MID-AIR TO DUNK, you saw a guy lose trying to take the last shot, a sign of true bravery, but missing after a Magic assist only exposed Michael to the downside of being that clutch shooter -- aw you tried to be a ballhog and you lost -- you saw a guy own up to the idea that these were the most important games of his life and do what Phil Jackson told him, you saw a guy, at the end of regulation in Game 3, take it upon himself to fearless tie the game, and then never lose a step of energy in overtime, you saw a bald challenger and a guy you now know to be the best of ALL TIME going against a guy in purple who was so legendary, so famous, so heralded they called him Magic when he was 20 and they STILL called him Magic at thirty. Do you realize what I'm talking about here? You and I might have a classmate as our biggest rival who's going to work as a quarry supervisor or something, well the greatest of all time at basketball had to go against some guy who essentially WAS KNOWN BY FIRST NAME as AWESOME. Hey Link, you've reached the end of Legend of Zelda. Now to face your shadow. I mean this was like a storybook!!!!

But because of all this, Michael Jordan now has to deal with some bullcrap. You see, he keeps coming back to basketball not because he enjoys the game or enjoys his teammates or any of that stuff, but because it's the only way he can generate an excuse to get away from the machine that runs his world. If he wants to stay Michael Jordan, he's got to be a perpetual creep. He's got to...no matter what...come off as the one who looks good and this is going to poison alot of situations for the next forty years that none of us would ever have to deal with.

Such as--

1) The jealousy of guys who think they're bad asses like golf club owners and Abe Pollen, who are going to ANGRILY NITPICK at minutely annoying stuff he does like smoke cigars and not attend junior league games in Wilmot, Idaho so he ends up becoming the enemy of everybody in that state for not wanting to stay and grant free talks and interviews. Michael Jordan is a total prick when he plays ball in public at like paid functions and stuff, because he hates us all. And I don't blame him at all. A typical exchange between Michael and people who PAY to have him there for the kids to watch and adore goes like this

GUY: Wow, I didn't see that.

MICHAEL: Of course you didn't, you're not as good as me, nobody is. It's inherent.

Meanwhile people who run things are always thinking they're good enough to butt heads with Michael Jordan. People in the press too. Michael can threaten Sports Illustrated though easier then he can threaten Wheaties.There is this certain feeling that Michael can walk around without a single insecurity in this world, and treat people any way he wants as a result and take their girls. And while you or I would simply assume our girls would be immune from his glaring eyes due to him having ANYBODY he wants, these business owners work day and night because they think this feeling is reserved for them one day as well.

2) Crooked Gamblers. For you see, Michael loses alot of money when he gambles. He's always leaving having to write checks. And Michael thinks he's better at stuff then he really is. These are unfortunately the aspects of a person that professional country club golf hustlers look for and seethe at when they uncover.

3) Television Event Appearences. For how many Superbowls and World Serieses and such do we have left in this lifetime? Jordan's going to be expected to make an appearence every once in a while throwing out the first pitch or...I dunno...singing the anthem at halftime? I dunno, but a crossover celebrity from the sportsworld like MICHAEL JORDAN?! He's not going to be limited to just TV events involving sports. This guy's going to be everywhere. And he'll hate it, and decide it won't be worth it.

4) A Busy Schedule In Itself. This means that on Monday, while he's laying in his nice warm bed, Michael Jordan will realize that the next time he'll get to be this comfortable is...March 3rd.

5) The Nagging Urge. Michael Jordan will come back and try to be a coach in college basketball, NBA basketball, and whatever capacity he can, because as he gets older, people will instinctfully wonder if he ever plans to be a coach like we would any great player who gets older. Michael can't be a coach. He has no tolerance or patience for the minions and minions of players who won't be as good as him. And the more he hears sports casters say this, the more he's going to give it a shot. And one thing I promise you about Michael Jordan -- he'll risk pissing on his whole legacy in order to kill the nagging urge to prove a doubter wrong. He'll take a .217 average. He'll go to the Wizards. Just as long as you don't ask him to win a title without Pip. That's the thing nobody wants to talk about. But anyway...

6) Dieting. Michael Jordan as you might have noticed from pictures and videos lately, likes to eat. He has a craving for some gravy. His face is getting a bit pudge-like there, like his left cheek got hit by a meteor. He looks a bit like Quagmire from Family Guy.

7) Romantic Scandals. Michael Jordan's fat. He snacks on McGriddles after being up all night gambling. Are there ever any chicks in these Atlantic City hotels? Are they strangled before the night is over? Because I promise you that this is a society where the kids are much more into an athlete who appears to have a lot of girlfriends. THAT's why the kids are all into Kobe Bryant, man! And the question will be how to sell Nike merchandise to kids who see a lame married man in Michael Jordan? YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME?! Look at the way they're trying to revamp Alex Rodriguez's image and make his merchandise worth buying by talking about how he's with Kate Hudson? And how Jessica Simpson got with Dwayne Wade now at the behest of her handlers? She was previously going out with who...what...that's right...the pop cultural icon of her little Southern environment and that's the QUARTERBACK of the DALLAS COWBOYS. We're talking three draft picks and Jessica Simpson would have been hooking up with Ben Rothlesburger or something. And so when it comes to Michael Jordan, the need to link him to sexual scandals will become big in the next decade.

8) New contenders for his legacy. As Michael sits there getting older and even fatter, he's going to see a new Michael Jordan out there one day. And this is where you're going to see the dorky side of Michael Jordan's personality TENFOLD. Every time this kid approaches a Michael-like milestone, someone out there is going to ask Michael what his opinion is about it. And Michael will, in the form of a self-serving compliment, point out why it was harder for him in the 1990s. It won't end there. As he's describing the reason it was harder in the 90s, he'll bring up an incident from the early 80s in the Nike-held belief that thirty years after something happens, the kids won't care about the facts as if they don't ask their older brothers and uncles.

9) Pippen is Slippin'. One of the things that has become a serious cultural phenomenon and epidemic at the same time is that fact that all these players in the 90s SEVERELY UNDERESTIMATED THE POPULARITY AND LORE of what they did in front of millions in the playoffs. Whether due to NBA TV or all us thirty-year old enthusiasts, It actually STUCK with Patrick Ewing that he got embarrassed by Michael and Pip, and it STUCK with Charles Smith that he got blocked four times. It stuck it stuck it stuck. And probably with nobody has things that happened then so stuck then with Scottie Pippen. But he seems to have prepared for this landscape of now where Michael's famous in all the grade schools and he's not. Pip has left kids all over the place because he knows nobody gives a damn about his business anyway.

10) Michael Will Be Challenged. Michael Jordan, for the rest of his life as he ages and his time away from the game is significant, he will have these kids, these lanky bastards from public high school who will yell "come on pussy, play me!" "what, you scared? That's why you won't play me? AIR JORDAN?!" He'll have to deal with the psychological implications of kids with their cameras out, catching Jordan ignoring them, walking away from a challenge, and want to just suit up and kill these kids. Everywhere he goes, he's going to be expected to beat everybody. No matter what the disadvantages of the moment. Think anyone gives a damn if he ate too many mashed potatoes? Think he can tell some little gangbanger with his friends that he's got gas?

And now CLICK BELOW for something un-freaking-believable.

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