Clearly the 80's learned us nothing at all. (Including grammar. We don't need no education.) Watch this video, then proceed with the rest of the article. Be warned, you're about to see clothing so retarded you may actually be picked up by mental health services should you happen to step outside wearing it.

That which we never thought would happen has happened. Hammer pants are back, except this time they're being called 'Harem Pants' and being pushed by American Apparel, a company well known for its hold over young and impressionable people around the world.

Harem pants are less items of clothing and more instruments of torture by humiliation, but like over sized sunglasses and filthy tights, all its going to take is Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton and either Samantha Ronson or Nicole Richie to step out in these things for stores to start stocking them like Tamiflu.

Interestingly the release of these pants has actually coincided with the announcement of the 2009 Swine Flu pandemic. Coincidence, I think not. Everyone with half a brain knows that correlation is equal to causation, which means not only will these pants make you look like you stopped in at Wal Mart for a discount lobotomy, you'll also have the sniffles for a few days and then get better.

But back to American Apparel. The company has already been sued in the past by Woody Allen for using his image without permission to try and push their 100% American made products to their fellow countrymen. Did you catch that? A company sued for a breach of ethics by a man who jilted his wife to marry his daughter. Clearly they cannot be trusted as far as one could get whilst wearing a pair of these pants without causing people to spontaneously explode from fits of laughter.

As you can tell from the photographs, these pants have been explicitly designed to make any woman's ass look fat from any conceivable angle. The precise opposite of flattering, they've turned this svelte pretty young model into the love child of a Persian carpet and a heroin addict.

I often recommend that men enjoy wearing women's clothing. In this case, I recommend that men sigh a deep sigh of relief. These were considered male attire in the 80's (MC Hammer sure knew how to rock them and be taken seriously as an artist,) but it looks like women are moving in on them now, and I say let them. We've brought this on ourselves.