There are plenty of articles on the Web--and even on HubPages--which will tell you How To Be Great In Bed, How To Please Your Partner, and even How To Perform Like A Sex Goddess.

Those articles are all well and good, but what about the basics of bedroom etiquette? Remember the Golden Rule? ("Do unto others...," etc., etc.?)

In this Hub, I've put together a quick list of twenty-five things no one wants to hear in bed. Never mind pleasing your man or woman (or your men and women), this list is more about good, old-fashioned courtesy.

Imagine what it would feel like to hear these words while you're still tangled up in a steamy knot of sheets and limbs. Think about the shock, embarrassment, and the "ick"-factor... and then resolve never to say them--or have cause to say them--to anyone else.

Even if your partner is as exciting as a lump of wet cardboard, you should at least try to make them feel like they're doing something special.

25. “Well, there's three minutes wasted!”
24. “This is NOT the way my mom showed me how to do this...”
23. “Hurry up! The game's starting!”
22. "Actually, I have had better."

Do you like surprises in the bedroom? Some people do. Think long and hard, however, before popping one of these surprises on your partner.

21. “That's it? You woke me up for that?”
20. "You know this is costing you by the hour, right?"
19. "Nah, it's just a rash. It'll clear up in a day or two."
18. “I hope you're still this sexy when I sober up.”
17. “You want to stick it WHERE?!”

Acts of physical affection between two people can be extremely exciting. Some people even like to play with three at a time (or more). That's great, but don't bring anyone else into the fun unless your partner agrees first.

16. "Oh, John! I mean, uh, Tom!"
15. “Funny, I thought my husband would be home by now.”
14. “I think my dad's listening.”
13. "Now, if my girlfriend comes home, I want you to..."
12. “You sound just like your mother.”
11. “You look just like your sister when you make that face.”

You don't have to be a Boy Scout to know that it's wise to be prepared. By taking a little care before you start playing, you might very well prevent these kinds of... uh... situations.

10. "Funny, I thought we started with a condom."
9. “But it still works, right?”
8. “But I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs!”
7. “Is it supposed to do that?”
6. “Good God! What stinks?”

Sometimes your partner just won't be able to perform. That happens. When disappointment rears its ugly head (or fails to), take care not to bruise your partner's ego any more than it already is.

5. “Oh well, we'll just cuddle.”
4. "Are you done yet?"
3. “Are you done already?”
2. “I think the ceiling needs painting.”
1. "Just use your finger, Hon. It's bigger.”

You'll Have to Play By Yourself.

That's a perfectly fine choice to make. If you prefer playing with or by yourself, then have at it! Go ahead and fiddle and diddle to your heart's content.

You'll certainly be free to say whatever you like when you're alone.

But it's one thing to play solo because you want to. It's another thing entirely to play alone because you have to. The wrong words spoken at the wrong time can quickly force you out of the first category and into the second.

Look, no one likes to play with someone who's going to make them feel icky, sticky, small or creepy. Just watch what you say--and when you say it--and you'll be more than halfway to performing like the sex god or goddess that you want to be... with other people.

All the photos in this Hub were collected from the Flickr Creative Commons.

Special thanks go to Ollie Crafoord, jessicaflavin, Jason Clapp (CLAPP Photography), Foto_blog, and apdk for the use of their photos.

Visit http://www.flickr.com/creativecommons/ to see more great shots by these fine, fine folks.