3 Jealousy Tips for More Love in Your Life

By Susie and Otto Collins

Jealousy is not a comfortable place to be. If you've ever experienced it and many of us have! You probably know this all too well. When a person is in the throes of jealousy, the accompanying feelings can be anger, fear, self-degradation, or even panic.

Wouldn't it be wonderful to finally be rid of this habit that does nothing but bring you down and move you further apart from the one you love?

Of course it would and you can let go of jealousy and open up to deeper, closer love with your partner. One way to let go of jealousy is to actually look deeply at it.

Investigating what's beneath the surface of your jealousy can help you to stop this relationship-damaging habit.

When archaeologists are looking for artifacts to better understand a past culture, they often dig deep into the ground. They usually conduct excavations with care and curiosity. Any moment a clue to the questions they have may appear.

Especially if we think of movie archaeologists such as Indiana Jones, there are almost always hidden passages, secret entrances, and wonderful treasure to be found.

Kelly finds herself sitting home, watching the phone with a big knot in her stomach. Jeff, her long-time partner, is out with some college friends whom he hasn't seen in years.

She knows she should be happy that Jeff is re-connecting with buddies he cares about and rarely gets to see, but a part of her feels absolute terror that something awful will happen.

She thinks--"They will get him drunk and he will end up cheating on me." Kelly doesn't usually worry about Jeff being unfaithful to her or the relationship agreements they've made. But at times like this, she mistrusts his friends and the situation.

She easily imagines the beautiful women who might also be at the bar. She picks up her phone intending to call his cell phone....

At this moment, Kelly probably doesn't feel the exciting, adventurous spirit palpable in those Indiana Jones movies.

Quite the opposite, as anyone who's been in a similar situation can probably affirm. Nonetheless, we'd suggest that she act like "Indy" and do some excavating--emotional excavating.

When you can recognize that you are feeling jealous, take some time by yourself to explore beneath the surface of what you are feeling or thinking. Look for those hidden passages and secret doors. Know that the eventual"treasure" of feeling trusting and at peace with yourself, your partner and your life are waiting for you.

Here are three tips to get started digging...

Tip #1: Take a deep, courageous breath and open the door.

Recognizing that you are feeling jealous is a big first step. Sometimes jealousy, and its accompanying emotions, seems so huge it takes all of your attention. As you notice you are feeling jealous, breathe and keep an attitude of curiosity rather than judgment.

Beating yourself up for feeling any way--including jealous--is a sticky trap for sure.

Think about opening up a door and pushing aside a boulder or whatever image works for you. What lies beyond this point of jealousy is more information. And that information will help you find ease and release this pattern that only hurts you and hinders your relationship.

Tip #2: Treat what you find as the treasure it is.

As you look at the stories, beliefs, memories and feelings beyond the door, beneath the surface of your jealousy, you may not be comfortable.

Kelly finds a mixture of treasures on her initial excavation. She remembers, with a cringe, her own college years and the careless way her relationships were handled, especially by the men she dated.

She also remembers her parents' stormy marriage and the arguments she witnessed when her father came home early in the morning hours after partying with friends all night. Her mother would cry, shout accusations and usually take Kelly and her sisters to stay with an aunt for a few days.

Realizing how prominent these memories still are in her mind and re-living them does not feel freeing to Kelly or anything like a treasure. But believe it or not, it can be.

Understanding that you are living your present life from a belief system rooted in past perceptions is precious information. Now Kelly can remind herself that she and Jeff are not her mother and father and that her relationship isquite different than those she experienced in college.

These realizations might even allow Kelly to see how her jealousy feels like mistrust to Jeff and how hurtful that is for him. It even stands in the way of them being as close as they could be.

At this moment, she might feel relieved that she didn't call his cell phone to check up on him and instead checked up on what was going on within herself.

Tip #3: Reframe your thoughts to what you know is true.

Sometimes reframing a difficult situation or troubling habit can be the key to getting unstuck. If you can see jealousy as the multi-layered feeling it is, you can more easily understand what lies beneath it and work from there.

By reframing her thoughts to what she knows is true--her husband loves her and has never given her any reason to doubt him, Kelly can switch her thoughts to remembering what she loves about him and their relationship.

Instead of focusing on doubt and fear from her past, she can focus on what she knows to be true.

She can only do this if she's willing to dig beneath her thoughts and get to what's really important underneath them.

If you can identify with Kelly, we urge you to also dig underneath your thoughts that are holding you back. Love yourself and what you find on your excavation and celebrate your brave steps along the way.