Have you ever had the most dreadful unpleasant experience of feeling completed disconnected from everyone and everything on the planet You know and Love,including YOURSELF?

If so then, relatively speaking as a "normal" human being, you would probably with great determination make an effort to figure out-almost immediately- what could possibly be the cause for such a terrible state of being.

It's truly unfortunate however, that even within the greatest of efforts and best heartfelt intentions....for the sake of your well being especially your loved ones, and every else you may ultimately affect around you...

Its really unfortunate when...

You just can't seem to get a grip!

With greater tenacity perhaps you begin to muddle, break down, retrace, analyze, ponder...You push, you worry, you get angry, you get tired---you end up feeling stuck and then....sadly----you just maybe give up....

Sometimes Life has a way of literally -------------- -----------------------------------------------------

---------------------------------------

--------- ------------------------- ------------B re a k i ng

You

Down ----- ------------- ------------------ ------------- ----------------- -------------------- ------------------------- ---------------------

For some of us the lapse or falling out----can be instigated by the continual drudgery of the daily strife's of life. Each and every one of us does have a limit after all...

Or, it may be realizing that life has not panned out the way you thought or dreamed it to be?And so you may be Battling with only Yourself---- is this it? IS this REALLY IT? You can't believe this it- and so maybe from this realization---you either take the necessary steps to change the direction of your life...-or- you work really hard in Denying to yourself and everyone around you just how utterly dissatisfied, confused, or lost you are with not only your chosen path regards work or what your dedicate your life to doing but also, and most importantly--Do you recognize, and love whom You have become?

Or---How about...

You may be taking care of yourself physically with the bare minimums of subsisting....but are you Nourishing your Spirit, Expanding Your Mind, Evolving, Keeping Aligned with your Desires and or Dreams....?

How about confronting ALL of your inner demons? For example, the horribly painful memories extended from your childhood that you have obviously survived... however, somehow you managed to block and shove wayyy deep down within you the most wretched pain--- because so long ago it was the only way you knew how to cope-or you just had no one else you felt would be there for you and you trusted no one? Therefore, you develop a shell,or shield, and learn how to limit your closeness to anyone depending of your comfort zone and situation.  The forgotten ghosts of all the occurrences that you've surpassed, combined with the consequences of all the choices you've made in the past, are all coming together in your Present and knocking really hard at the core of your soul....

And so-negative feelings start to fester, you notice-tugs-signals which can manifiest is so many different ways--both physical and emotional-- these are clear warning signs/indicators that your mind and soul are begging--- NO---- pleading for your immediate attention/action...

Even with these alarming signals, perhaps you still choose to ignore them because --YOU--convince yourself that you are exhausted, overworked, bored, or you think that you believe---I'll get over this slump...its just a slump...life is supposed to be hard, and stressful...is it not?

From here perhaps you submerge deeper into your denial...

Inevitably total perdition then ensues...and the following demise becomes YOUR REALITY:

------------I have no desire for anything in life and have 0 confidence left in myself.-------------

-----------------------------------------I am DEPLETED....

-------------------------------------------I'm SO DONE---------------------------------.

Is there any truth in the belief that at some point in Your Lifeyou have to face all of your fears, accept fully all of the consequences of your actions taken by YOU in your past, forgive yourself for any of the results, snap out of it--deal, believe in yourself, and move it right along?

I can Humbly with the greatest conviction exclaim YES!

Because All of the above I've experienced...simultaneously.

For a better understanding of my perspective...

Here is a general character summation of me: I was born wise with an amazingly strong spirit, steadfast heart. Ever since I was a tiny tot...I naturally prevailed confidently in every way and under every circumstance;scenario. I have always been an overall good natured person, hardworking, fun loving, lover of life in general.... boisterous loud laugh-er(no yolk!)Natural born FIGHTER! I continued to do so through my wonder and teen years, and subsequently as life dictates through adulthood.. Just as everyone else as part of the human condition or experience I've made my share of mistakes, learned from them, suffered, prevailed...bad things have happened to me, as well as great phenomenal ones as well...

What happened?...well......I just Gave out...and lost sight of me--completely.

This deep funk period occurred somewhere in time in my mid 30's---Everything at that point--- was in order in my life, and by all accounts I am more than capable to acknowledge, realize, and be grateful---for all of my blessings...

So why on earth? Why did I feel like the emptiest, loneliest, most pathetic, self loathing person that had ever lived?

To acknowledge or accept that I was feeling or allowing myself to succumb to such a absurd, forlorn state was beyond me, so thanks hugely in part to my sense of pride. I refused to burden or ask anyone for help! That thought process alone added to the weight of my shame, my guilt. My intellect and emotions were fighting for the same space, and they canceled each other out unforgivably.

And so, eventually with this exacerbating heavy emotional load, (all by my own choice) I did fall into the most vacuous, soulfully debilitating darkest realm ever.

A very clear example of-----Self-neglect/Oblivion at its finest.

Here is at a glance what my world, or how I, alone -allowed- my world to be like for quite some time:

There was a time I avoided mirrors because I did not want to FACE what was reflected before me. It was very distressing seeing my eyes look so terribly sullen and dark, my face painfully fatigued, my essence was non existent. Whenever the rarity of looking at myself in the mirror came to be, I would immediately be in shock of what stood before ME--- Then, I would pathetically, solemnly whimper--repeatedly------WHO the hell are YOU???? Where is ME??

No one was able to make me come out of this---or make me feel any different/better....no matter what compliment, no matter was positive remark....Everyone tried to say all the right things, extend gently or firmly all of their concern...and since I do have a strong character I managed to say or convey to anybody that was doing the best to be there for me, just please let me be I'd say. Thank you, but just leave me alone. And so this continued on...and I continued to feel lost and guilty.... So painful it was the unrelenting ambiguity of not knowing why or how,what, where?

Long gone were the days in finding joy in my favorites-----anything really, simple things all my passions in life like laughing(for me its unheard of to not laugh or smile... music---would literally put me to tears or make me really annoyed, food(the basics), movies(my greater loves, avoided that like the plague, same as music effect, perhaps even worse), photography, art,(nada, nada,nada)...I made every effort to not feel a thing. Talk about counterproductive!!

I was there for my family yes, with them I was able to show them affection, reciprocate hugs, be there whenever they needed me--- however I felt especially during special moments, so very weak, feeble, ghostly. I just wasn't even there.

During lunch time at work, as I sat with my co-workers, I made every attempt to join in on whatever conversation was going on. Seeming halfway normal... Quite frankly looking back I again know I did have strength in me because--- how I fought the tears while sitting there among them, listening about family reunions, holiday plans, or what was going on TV. I desperately wanted to run, yell at them---"has this ever happened to any of you ladies???!! Am I the crappiest person for feeling like this??!

Meanwhile my inner self was yelling at me as I slumped further into my chair...

"Boohoo poor you!!! What exactly are you sad about again??!!! Do you have a home, a job, family that needs you are all healthy-and love you?" Everyone around you cares or loves you...YOU should be ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!!!"

I had no desire or inkling to speak,and there was a time that I hardly even spoke both at home and at work(I should say barely speaking). I just figured the less I spoke, the less anyone would hear me;sense my gloominess. I became muted in every sense of the word. In time I would figure out ways to avoid the lunchroom...instead of eating I would just go out to my car and cry, or I would drive to a nearby local park, so that no one could see me, and cry so more.

I had developed this mortifying ritual...on my way to work every single day....It looked like this: by the time I got to a particular spot while driving I was in tears, and later that same day, on the way back home from work at the very same corner I would be sobbing helplessly. I remember thinking--- I don't care that I'm crying, I don't care that I feel lost, and can't seem to find my way out... what kills me is that my 3 year old son is here with me, and I could not help myself no matter how hard I tried. One of my worse memories is to hear my son say "mama why are you crying again, I still love you and think you are pretty."

That would destroy me some more.

If you are wondering about the unthinkable---suicide, the answer is NO-thankfully I did not consider this as even a remote chance of escape or solution. What did cross my mind, and several times when at my lowest points...was that I did wish that -somehow-

Somehow I wished I would just --------------------cease to exist.

Yes....I did indeed sought medical attention.

I went to the doctor and had all kinds of diagnostics tests performed-- even psychological. It was determined that nothing was wrong with me. I then was offered to be "treated" with medication. "There is nothing physically wrong with you they said. This is something that goes beyond our office here today, and so you need to help yourself before anyone can help you." "Perhaps you are depressed?"

I immediately retorted with.... Listen to me.... I want to get up, I want to work, I want to love my family and do, I want to figure me out! Please do not prescribe me with any drugs! I will not accept this form of treatment. I'd rather suffer, and find my way out by natural means, no matter how long it takes"....(I still had the fighter spirit in me, but still for much longer I remained clouded).

Thanks, but No thanks...I left, and I went on with my merry sad way...

Bad news,it can happen to anyone, at any given time...The very good news in this story is: PAST TENSE---The above WAS ME..

I am very happy to report that although I have no recollection as to how long each of the steps to from a) to b)took---- for me to reach out...to yes, ask for help, receive help, dig deep, figure me out, devise a plan...and damn it move it right along....

I had to face, confront, purge, tackle, all the issues--FIGHT THEM and eventually squash the crap out of them. I did not do it alone...All of my blessed loved ones were happily there for me, as well as key people that were there for me all along...Just had to reach..I did on my own terms...thankfully...it did work out nicely for me....

Now to heart of the inspiration of this story, along the way....this great journey of self-salvation....something happened, something certainly helped, something really special,and it went a little something like this:

and a 1, and a 2, and a 1, 2, 3.........

During my "funk" I had experienced bouts of insomnia and or anxious, restless sleep. No doubt these episodes were reflective of many factors hitting me at once--- whether it was my work schedule, stress, or my soul demanding urgent attention, sleep at even rate-sound sleep- had become a rare event in my life.

On one of these sleepless meandering nights...I decided with the remainder of my insomniac cycle to venture into the den for the additional self deprecating practice of turning on the television. Everything at this point, any source of so called "entertainment" via, movie, or music was just A PAIN---- I disliked everything, was not impressed or moved also couldn't relate, and definitely I was not open to anything new. So why on earth would would I choose to turn on the forsaken television? Why to torture myself some more of course!

However, this night would certainly show me different.

So there I was sitting listless on the couch, remote in hand...ready to be annoyed, or disgusted....I thought...bitterly what could possibly interest me on Mtv since for some reason they no longer show music videos---and when whatever is on is on---I immediately switch channels....

SO-----I click to VHI, and froze.

What was this? I was instantly drawn in.....

I noticed I was grinning...and my smile formed effortlessly...how is this happening....I am smiling and it wasn't even hurting? I choke up every time I remember this.

All of my senses merged in divine synchopy....and I surrendered to whatever- this- was.

I continued to sit and watch in awe....as my freshly jolted to LIFE senses took in the rich color of Vibrant Red Flowing Flags; grey stone...Chinese theme or feel,(I thought of the Last Emperor, and how i loved watching that movie as a kid with my brother and mother--via cable over and over).

What is this? Is this U2? Is it?...noo...I don't recognize this... It's...so open...just like I like... Love the open big sound.....

I really love this I really love this....wait...WHo are these guys, I really dig what they are wearing, black,--so cool....I love how they are walking/moving..nice details--matches the feel...

Wait a minute, wait a minute....did I JUST SAY LOVE??

Finally!!!!!!! I exclaimed OUT LOUD....A music video that matches the song/tone in its entirety...finally some thought, some depth in detail, a concise theme idea carried out----beautifully...

----------------------------------------------THIS is EPIC---------------------------------------and I can't wait to find out who this is?

A few measures went by and finally the lyrics came in...as well as the focus being on the lead singer of this now very captivating and intriguing band.

In between a melodic sweeping male vocal measure, and perfectly timed/edited slow motioned camera shot....

There He was...

His hair---- jet black with the end tips tinged with bright red, piercing electric blue eyes, dramatic black eyeliner smeared ---which suited perfectly the overall stoic look.

Camera pans to his beautiful profile shot....and I suddenly recognized him.

My, my----my ----Mr. Jared Leto. Is there no end to your talents?

Visual flashbacks came streaming to my mind...of Jordan Catalano--- My So called life---I was a fan of this show from the 90's and in a lapse of seconds episode scenarios came a crashing-I remembered fondly those classic Jordan and Angela kissing scenes-. The writing was great too...anyway---again I purely thought---- that means he probably did really sing that song -red- and played guitar on one of the episodes on that show....:)

My memory skills then began flashing some of Mr. Leto's many admirable films/film roles such as: Requiem for a dream, Girl Interrupted(love this movie), American psycho, Fight club(another great), Panic room...etc etc...

And so... not only did I recognize him for his fantastic acting abilities in these amazing films or tv roles....but holy bejesus how can anyone possibly forget how ridiculously good looking this creature is?

Anyone?

Anyone?

Bueller?

Anyone?

Bueller?

Isn't it fascinating the "selective information" we are capable to retain? ;D

And so....I waited of course for the name of the band at the end of the video:30 seconds to Mars, I remember thinking...I heard of this band...and paid no mind to all the articles, or news coverage on them...so very removed I was from it all---after all.

I then in a semi stunned, not so surprised by still amazed about Mr. Leto with now the additional appeal of his musical talents and endeavors--- I went to bed feeling SOMETHING...

I actually --felt relaxed-.

I can almost begin to venture to say that I felt at peace.

I felt so proud of this band, and grateful--also a bit bewildered at the timing of it all-the cosmos were certainly in line for me to catch this monumental experience......and with that --I fell soundly asleep to the etching sound and sight of Mr. Leto singing From Yesterday.

A few hours later...now early morning, From Yesterday kept replaying clearly in my mind. Not only was it a sound moreover as a feeling. Warm humming, and I was actually showing some teeth---- smiling.

It was Saturday morning, and as the day progressed into the ongoing and doings, I ended up at the local Walmart. I had woken up with-----hooray hoorah--the great gumption to do a art/craft project with the kids...:) (pssst that had not happened for a very very long time).

As we are exiting the craft section we turn into the music section, and right up to my shoulder's length, again my attention was instantly captured.... There at my eye level was a A Beautiful Lie, album by none other than 30 Seconds to Mars....

Now, normally my reaction to buying ANY new music would be(even before this "funk") ---is I wonder if this is worth buying as it probably has maybe one or two songs tops---that are maybeee OK??...

This time round, however when I spotted 30 ---------whhhhhhhhhhhhooooooooooooshhhhhhhhhh!!!That Cd has no chance of being pondered upon. I grabbed that CD like there was no tomorrow!! I didn't even consider Itunes...

There was no way I was about to waver on the validity of the source given my instant reaction --of magically coming back to life in so many ways only hours before....

Indeed I was! :D Now in the car, I ripped thought that dang protective plastic wrap...so damn quick...I insert CD---and I thought let me just hear this album starting from the last song---see what kinda of feel I get in a couple of seconds...

Last song on album....

Battle of One. and from the very first second I was hook---line-----sink sunk GONE! ABSOLUTELY< UNEQUIVOCALLY >100BILLIONTH %LOVED IT!!! It was exactlywhat I needed in every single way......It's loud it's fast, its heart, its rock, its so freakin catchy and raw...my heart, ears, mind were completed hit with the combination of a quickening of my pulses...I even had my arms up............YES!!!!!! By the time the song was nearly finished....wow!!!!

Now pumped up and super eager needed to hear another song....next chosen track...The Kill....

Yet another enlightening 30 seconds to mars moment, because I knew of this song... On those dreary, nights, driving home late from work---during those feeble attempts to listen to the radio so that I wouldn't feel like the loneliest person on the planet at the time, THE KILL was the one songs that I would seldom hear that I actually liked, unfortunately I would always catch it right when it was finishing!!! Every time I wanted to know who this band was but I never got the chance...and so not only did I know this song, I also knew of Attack under the same circumstance. So now the count is at 3 songs so far right? Track after track...I was taken.....A Beautiful Lie, perfect, Hunter(Bjork cover)awesome, Modern Myth, Splendid....for the first time in so very very very very very long...Again, I could not believe the extent---the idea, that I actually loved music again.

Still in the car---with the kids with me I somewhat heard in the far far far distance.......Moooommmmm its toooooooooo LOUD!!!!!!!!!!!

I turned around and faced them with a big ole smile...and happy tears of relief streaming down my cheeks...I LOVE music again... GUYS! I'm A LIVEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!

They smiled right back....:D

From that day on...

Things changed for me....considerably---The very kind gift on an ipod which I had so terribly rejected a few months earlier, now with 30stm downloaded into it---a felt A WHOLE LOT BETTER..and my IPOD I could not part sight of it...it was with me everywhere...

All of the mundane things...everyday stuff became a fun or spirited event--like doing the dishes, laundry,when I brushed my teeth...My voice was back you see, and being uplifted I sang away enthusiastically every chance I had...

Remarkably at work----with my Ipod at my softly playing 30 at my desk... I felt more at ease and gained strength. Then my confidence started to build up,and then the real prize....smoothly transitioned in.......Clarity. Whatever inner conflicts, or issues, I was having at work previously, I tackled head on without hesitation or fear and just like that -poof- the dark clouds started to disappear---Numbers that were once jumbled, because I just couldn't concentrate, now unscrambled right before my eyes....and so slowly but surely puzzle pieces just began to fall neatly into place.

The birds were singing, all kinds of cute and furry critters greeted me at my feet every morning ;)...and now instead of the of tears in the car, it was me singing away, with my son, with him happily making personal requests...."can you please put The Kill back on?" Why certainly my son!! 20 points for you!

I would like to emphasize at this time that I had to take several steps in order to get to a to this point...The most important of course, was reaching out, for help. In retrospect, now that's been a few years later, I can absolutely confirm that I am definitely in a much brilliant place....and things can only get better. AND DO.

If you, at this very moment being so kind to be taking the time reading my story, happen to be experiencing some or all of what I have described above....I extend the following heartfelt words and hand to you:

• Attack, your fears---HEAD ON...get it out of the way NOW not tomorrow...you'll feel a whole lot better.
• Only you have the answer as to what your purpose is in YOUR LIFE and what could possibly complete you. No one else can do this for you.
• Don't ever compromise who you are, for the sake of pleasing others...its exhausting, and a farce and in the end you will only hinder or limit yourself.....and your loved ones and the universe will not reap in the wonderful experience of the REAL YOU.
• Believe and LOVE YOURSELF...if you don't know how...ask for help. Those that truly care or love you, will be there for you no matter what. For those that are not...it is their loss. Move it right along!
• Speaking of moving along---GET UP, MOVE, DO IT NOW---it will never come to YOU if you don't put all your gears into motion....YOU MUST FIGHT!!!
• Take care of yourself---EVERY SINGLE DAY--don't disconnect AT ALL from the things you enjoy, things you love---your body, and mind, soul will thank you and reward you continuously, and your family, your loved ones, everyone around you in turn will enjoy this journey of life---much better with the whole you!
• There are no limits to the greatness of you, so REACH. Not just now...but always...
• You are so worth it...

Back then, I knew things were really looking up for me on one particular day...after work, in which I was feeling a really strong sense of serenity....I pulled over by a lake to watch the sun go down. I was taken in by the beauty of the glare of bright soft yellows and orange shining upon the biggest tree I had failed to notice on my drive everyday to work for months now. I had missed this glorious setting all that time. Well No More!! My camera was making its way back into my heart...as well as my love for capturing such moments---and so I took photos of this very peaceful moment of me while in my car, ipod on, with 30 seconds to mars blaring fatefully in the background alongside the breathtaking sunset.

30 seconds to Mars, indeed in the most intrinsic way---brought me back to life. Back then I had a lot of tough challenges to conquer, and gradually I did. Realistically in life, that's how everything should be...

I, without a doubt do know however that in my heart...the more I listened to their music, the lighter the weight, the lighter the weight, the higher my spirit soared. I was, and still am on the road to getting stronger with each sound measure.

This was merely the beginning...Stay tuned for the continuing Chapter adventures of how 30 Seconds to Mars brought me back to life....more amazing self discovery stuff up ahead...

Thanks again for reading....

This Hub was inspired by my highly enthused, thrilling and eager anticaption of 30 seconds to Mar's--- long awaited 3rd new album titled: This is War

:D