30 Used To Be Old

Im 33 years old, its Sunday evening. Im a single mom who has just had her exhusband shove her 9 month old son's bare butt in her face. That is his idea of a joke. Real funny! All I want to do is find a nice man to make friendly with and smoke a cigarette. Lets face it I am susposed to be dating again - right? Only its just been brought to my attention, by going out with my sister to a local bar for an evening to get our drink on - that the xanax the Dr prescribed me and a cocktail is looking much better than most men out there. I mean come on, first there is one guy who attempts to buy my sister a drink however the $8 charge on his checkcard gets declined, well sis - LETS FIGHT OVER WHO IS TAKING THAT ONE HOME!!!! And than there is that guy - you know the one - he looks all to familiar........you know you know him - you just can't remember how until its to late. So CHEERS to a brilliant weekend. Its been fabulous!!

Well now Im at home and Im living under completely dysfunctional circumstances currently. I spend more time with my ex-husband now than I did when we were married and all of the sudden he decides to start making comments to me about how beautiful I am. Well dear - where the H**L was that when we were married? And I am in no mood to go backwards. I am currently taking classes and trying to start a small business, not to mention raise a baby. Also trying to have a bit of a social life. My sister gets a kick out of the fact that I have been taking out all of my frustrations walking and Ive named myself Forrest Gump. I am wondering as I sit here can I even spell anymore?

So I meet this guy a couple of weeks ago, and wow everything, and I do mean everything was going pretty good. Minus his live in girlfriend which he swears he was no longer sleeping with because she cheated on him. We talked, laughed, he sang, great eyes, smile, he had a certain amount of talent in certain areas that is worth mentioning. And than I realized that trapped in a 36 year old body was an 18 year old punk. I ask you, what is wrong with men these days? I realize that class cannot be bought. I realize that fundamentaly people are who they are. But why would a person bother to tell you their deepest darkest secrets if they only intended to act like an arss (hahah) inside of two weeks? Now I know what all of you are thinking! The girlfriend! I should have known. But Im tellin ya girls....if you had heard him tell you this sob story about how she cheated and the only reason they were still together was because both names were on the house and they don't get along, live seperate lives, blah blah blah.....my heart is with you......your so beautiful.....your so perfect....blah blah blah. You would have gotten out the kleenex also. I swear.

So now Im just feeling bad for her, and hoping Karma is a B**ch and pays him back a little. Perhaps just something a bit uncomfortable.

I however am once again swearing off men and have decided that they simply are not worthy - at least this week..........I am sure my mind will change as soon as I am out and about and see someone yummy. I just refuse to look. I figure if it is meant to be he will find me or something like that.

In the mean time I have the most amazing little man that I spend about 98% of my time with and the worst thing he does is fart on me. That I can handle. The unconditional love that he and I share is in fact priceless and I would not trade it for the world.

Well tomorrow is a new day......maybe some of you think and feel the way I do. At least Im still smiling.

Great its Monday, there should be a pill for Monday for sure. At least if the world was not so ironic and I was not so cynical Monday would not feel like the beginning of the end and I would not feel like I needed a pill right? Its probably all in my head. So where did I leave off with my not so great story? Was I discussing the ex-husband who thinks we should have ";;the talk";; to see where things are going? I'm sorry so I actually live in the friggin twilight zone, have superhuman beings come and invaded my body, or have I had a really bad fall and been living a life that I am completely unaware of for the past few months and just woken up to mass confusion? Either way this ";;talk";; is a big shocker to me. Or was I telling you about Mr. Right, oops I mean Mr. Right this minute I have to have you, formerly Mr. Baby my heart is with you, currently Mr. I don't ever want to speak to you again? Hey well inside of 2 1/2 weeks thats pretty good. Oh well I guess if it runs that hot its bound to burn that quickly - right?

So my sister is really happy right now and in fact she more than anyone deserves it. I would have divorced her husband 5 times by now. He is a special man and I just would not have it in me to put up with raising him and the worlds most perfect child. Anyway so she calls me 412 times a day telling me how deleriously happy she is and I am trying like hell to be cheery - but lets fact it Im depressed right now and hate men. I was just hurt pretty good (there is more to the story with Mr. Right this minute - tell u later) and I would just like a couple of days to feel crappy and not to have to hear how HAPPY everyone else is. I guess that is being selfish? Yes?

So the Bi-Polar SOB ex-husband just walked in the door and now he is trying to be nice, clearly I am still in the alternate universe. I guess while I have the chance I should get out my walking shoes and take out some frustrations on my ";;thut";;, that would be the area between the thigh and the butt that just sits there and jiggles. Everyone in our family has it. We have large butts in our family and some days you can't tell where they start and stop. So we give cute little names to the parts of our bodies we don't like and move on. Im not a big woman, pretty little in fact, still have the thut though. In fact just saw an article on woman with post pregnancy anorexia and was thinking ";;how am I gonna get me some of that?";; of course I had to put the coffee, cinnamon sugar toast down, light a cigarette and realize that a complete lack of food would only make me more bitter and God help the world if that were to happen.

Ok so today, right now anyway I am clearly bitter and all over the place, would like to just laugh until my stomach hurts at all of the stupid men in my life. Do convents accept woman with small children?

Im going to walk........Ill be back.

Ok so its Monday evening and I was posed with a question. Why do men or woman I guess (to be fair) tend to avoid answering the tough questions in life and instead proceed to go on with a diatribe a rant if you will that does not even begin to address the question at hand?

Why do people feel that they need to be something or someone other than who they are. I mean lets face it after you have been with someone, anyone for an extended period of time the truth will eventually rear its ugly head. So why do we bother to do the things we do to attract the opposite sex? Wouldn't we all have a much easier time with things if rather than spend 16 hours putting a "new face on" just to go out and meet people, or spend hours trying to find that perfect outfit that probably ends up belonging to a friend anyway just to meet a person who is going to find out what we look like when we wake up in the morning eventually anyway? Imagine this....a place where everyone is actually just who they are. No false pretences, no special hair, no special makeup, no stories that have been tweaked to impress. Imagine walking into your favorite pub or restaurant or coffee shop and actually seeing a person in what they normally wear, looking as they normally do, speaking like they normally speak. Having an honest conversation that allows you to laugh so hard that it hurts and perhaps even so hard that you make that snort noise that we all sometimes make. Walking away thinking wow that was a great guy/gal and they were just reading the paper having coffee just as they are.

Of course there is always a time and a place for special occasions and looking your best, I am certainly not saying that there is not. However that in my opinion should be the icing on the cake. It certainly should not be what draws you to a person.

There comes a time in your life that we all must realize that we cannot change people, that we should not settle, never settle, but we must find that certain someone whose flaws are endearing and not annoying. Flaws are a part of life. They are what makes us who we are, we all have quirks and eccentricties and once you find a person who can find them endearing rather than annoying my suggestion would be to embrace that person and never let them go.

As I sat and watched my son play the other morning it occured to me that he in fact as children his age are is in fact perfect in every sense of the word. He smiles at the little things, Im envious that I no longer appreciate the wonder and greatness of a ball rolling or bubbles flying through the air. He has never had a malicious thought and has never done anything harmful to another, certainly not on purpose or with intent. How miraculous I thought. And I realized that our world will eventually get in the way of his beautiful mind. So Ive decided to make a conscience decision to try everyday to see at least one thing through his eyes in an attempt to prolong his perfect as long as possible.

If we as adults took it upon ourselves to see the beauty in a flaw and humor in quirks and eccentricties we might just be able to loose some of our cynicism.

Im still jaded but I am doing what I can to work on it. I am trying to recognize what I don't like about myself and do something about it. No single person walks in my shoes but me. Im not so concerned with what others don't like about me. I realize that in order for me to be happy I need to get down to basics and find one thing - other than my son who is my miracle - and of course my family who are my rock and ground me when needed - find one thing everyday that I am happy about just for me. No matter what that thing is big or small. I also realize that I can't change people and I need to get over the frustration of trying and failing because it simply will never happen. I just need to find my own personal smile everyday just for me and things will get better. That I am sure of.

Its Tuesday morning and even before Ive managed to even take one sip of my coffee Im getting up doing the things that I do, one of which is check the good old blackberry. I see an odd missed phone call from my youngest ex-brother in law. Strange. You see he and I were always close. He had many problems and I always had a soft spot for him wanting to help him out, I felt like he was my little brother even before I ever dated his brother. He is early 20's and his brother my ex was more than 10 years older. He was always getting into trouble and I was always getting him out of it. He did of course has a brash way about him, he was disrespectful at times, lacked maturity, and had some drug & alcohol problems. But I was the mother hen that wanted to fix him. Now its been almost 2 years since we have spoken and I see this missed call. My rational side says that he was drunk and was doing his "drinking and dialing" perhaps even with my ex. The mother hen side says he is in lock up somewhere and needed bail money.

So I pose this question to you all. If you divorce a person, do you divorce the entire family? Should you still care, where is the line?

Just a little good morning food for thought..........I will get back to you with my thoughts on this later. Hope everone has a fabulous day.

Tuesday afternoon quick thought..... so by now you all have probably figured out that I may be insane. Although who gets to define that anyway? I had a ton of things to do today, which I did, with a baby. That in itself is a pretty big accomplishment. Right? And my thoughts go to this.....well let me start here. I put the air conditioner on in my car. Go figure air conditioner, and the smell of it sends me right back into this amazing thought, moment with this "Mr. Wrong" and in that very moment all I could think to myself was how much I wanted him. Right there, right then. Now I know I am angry with him, have lost all respect for him, he has hurt me tremendously, but oh my, take all that out of it and shut my eyes bite my lip and yep I wanted him. So now all I can think is how in the H**L can that possibly happen!

Take 1 step forward and 2 steps back. I thought I was doing so well getting past this. And I honestly believe that if he was standing in front of me I would want to knock him on his arss. But am I allowed to still have certain fond memories, as torturous as they are????

OK so its Tuesday night and we know that my mind has been all over the place today. Today has been one of those days and Ive been forced to face my own thoughts. That is always eye opening. So I ask this, when you meet someone regardless of who it is does it occur to us that we are giving away trust? Lets face it we have to take them on their word. We have to believe what they tell us about who they are, where they came from, what their story is, what they do for a living, their age, name, marital status, etc etc, at face value. We are extending trust until we are given a reason to take it away. In some ways, and I hate to sound cliche, they are innocent until proven guilty. So why is it that when it comes to matters of the heart and trust we are able to give so freely for no reason whatsoever?

I guess we all have intuition, but lets face it, how many times has your intuition been wrong? Or just off a little? I am wondering why I am willing to take someone that Ive never met before at their word and believe every word that comes out of their mouth but when I go to the grocery store I will look at a box of cereal to see what ingredients are really in it?

What makes us tick this way? Why are we trained this way? Why is this inability to immediately "check the ingredients" of a person we meet instilled in us? And furthermore is this why we find that our hearts get broken and we become shattered cynical human beings?

If we were to override the emotional butterflies and giddiness of meeting that new exciting someone and get right down to the nity gritty of it all in the first or second meeting would we save ourselves time and heartache? Or would we live a boring and unexciting life? Is it true that it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all?

How is it that I am supposed to raise a child and shield him from pain, suffering, and heartache if possible but I am unable to answer any of these questions?

Anyway, just some goodnight food for thought........

Think for a minute, how many marriages do you know that are good? Really good? All Ive ever wanted was to be happy and I think that is true of most people. I realize that happiness begins within. And Im working on that. And for the record I am getting better each day. But Ive decided that I don't want to settle.

If I am ever to be in a relationship again, I want to be with a person that I like, not just love, but actually like. A person that after years I still want to rip their clothes off. A person that still kisses me like he wants me. Someone that will laugh with me and be goofy with me. Someone who will hold my hand when Im scared. A person who if my back was turned and 100 men kissed the back of my neck I would know which was him. A person that still surprises me after years, not with gifts. A person that I never knew I always wanted. Someone who each day when I see him, feels just as great as the first time I saw him only better. I want a person whose flaws I find endearing not annoying, and vice versa. I want someone who thinks that when I am laughing so hard and I snort that its cute not embarassing!

So am I a hopeless romantic? Am I destined to be alone because I want something that simply doesn't exist? Should I resign myself to the fact that I may always just be a 2 person family, which by the way is in fact spectacular, my son is awesome. Or does any of this happen in real life.

There is no guide for parenting, dating, or marriage. Sure there are books, therapists, tv shows, etc. etc., but honestly no single person walks in my shoes but me. And no single person walks in your shoes but you. At the end of the say suggestions are just suggestions, and advice is just advice. I believe in God and I pray. It helps. But I have come to find that there is simply no instant gratification and if you have to work to much for something, maybe at the end of the day it is just to much work.

Its different with a career, you get a paycheck, perhaps recognition, a promotion. But in love, when you have to constantly work, where do you draw the line?

Good Morning. Its Wednesday in my rant. My new form of therapy and as I sit here drinking coffee waiting for my so to wake Ive already had to contact one attorney this morning. Do you ever wonder about Karma? I hear that the actual meaning of Karma says that if you are good/bad in this life that you will be paid back in the next. However I feel like there is a neverending tab running in this life, Im Catholic and have beliefs on the "next life", and that every little crappy think Ive ever done gets tabulated and pays me back. But who is keeping track of this list? And what exactly have I done that is so horrible that every time I turn around something new and even more crappy seems to be happening. Or is this just minor hiccups and is the fact that Im alive, breathing everyday, have a beautiful healthy son, a good family, friends all that I should be asking for in the first place. Am I just being greedy?

I have been reading this book, it is based on religion and it is susposed to give you a "push" into helping you live your best life. Perhaps my lack of forgiveness has gotten me all of the hiccups and Karma has nothing at all to do with it.

So here I sit at 7:30 in the morning and I am now wondering if Ive brought this all on myself because I am stubborn. Oh and the this that I am referring to that I have brought on myself would be, crappy situations, broken hearts, divorce, meeting the wrong men, etc etc. So if I was more forgiving in the past and a little less stubborn I wonder if my life would be any different than it is today?

I just have this internal light switch if you will and there have been times in life that I have been so hurt that I just "turn off" and I "am done" and that's it. I choose not to deal with people anymore. I feel that the people you surround yourself with are your chosen family and there should be an unconditional love and once that is broken it is lost. So now Im sounding hypocritical. Yes I realize it and I see it. And yes I have forgiven my family and friends for things, its just those who you have put your everything into and have crossed you so badly that I am speaking about. Ok so everyone tells me that forgiveness sets you free, allows you to feel better. Perhaps its my pride but forgiving someone who has hurt me that badly only makes me feel more foolish and vulnerable.

Once you have chosen to make the grand gesture of forgiveness what then? Ok so perhaps you have let go of some of the animosity and your not weighted by the anger. But when it comes to actually facing this person that you have forgiven, are you to also have forgotten? How exactly do you get past it. In 33 years on this earth I have yet to figure this out. To me this may be my biggest conundrum yet! And what if honestly the distain that you feel for this person you can't bring yourself to forgive is effortless? What if it requires no effort or energy? Is that ok? Or would some say that somewhere deep inside me there still lurks some dark disturbed emotions that I have not yet delt with that someday will resurface and ruin me?

So I pose this question for all to think about for the day........Is there one person in your life that you have not forgiven for something? If so, has it had any bearing on your life thus far? If you could find that person look them in the eye and tell them that they are forgiven, would you feel better? Would your life change at all?

Just wondering.......enjoy the coffee.......enjoy the day. Its time for me to go walking.

Ok first and foremost I am still unsure as to whether or not I can spell? Oh well - anyway here is a problem from a "friend" that is honestly not me!

Here is goes.....this friend, she is married unhappily with one child. Everyone on the face of the earth, and trust me on this, gets why she is unhappy. But as some do, she is staying the course to keep the family together for the child. Ok here is the interesting part. So she meets this man, he is slightly younger, handsome, intelligent, funny, everything you wish for in a man......and married for exactly 4 weeks! Yet he is INTERESTED in her. Ok problem number one, is he a dog? On its face, of course he is. Although if she is willing, lets be honest there is no one in this situation going off to shine their halo. So anyway the guy, he was dating this woman for a bit, they got married spur of the moment, sober, and they would figure they would see how it goes. Try it out, re-evaluate their relationship every year and if its not working, divorce. And I thought I was dysfunctional!!! So Mr. & Mrs. X are married - did I mention for 4 weeks - and Mr. X meets my friend and apparently is swept off of his feet.

So what does he say to the friend? He is leaving the new bride. He is going to make is right because he loves her (friend not mrs.x) Blah Blah Blah. Ok but first because he is a good guy who does not want to hurt anyone, he wants to give it some time. In the mean time Mrs. X who I believe he is still sleeping with, as a courtesy, is changing her name, planning a reception with her parents, oh and did I mention the addition they just agreed and signed for to build onto her home? Meanwhile he is claiming his undying love, friendship and passion for the friend.

The friend of course who was in a bad place to begin with is in love with this man, and they are now planning a future together. My instincts tell me of course that this guy is NUTS a DOG and having his cake and eating it too. On the other hand is there any possiblity in the world that this guy is for real?

What if in fact he did just make a huge mistake, forgot to mention, this is his 2nd marriage. He was coming out of a bad divorce and Mrs. X is his sisters best friend. I couldnt make this up if I tried. So anyway what if he just decided that he did not want to be alone and knew this woman through his sister for quite some time and decided, What the hell? Then he goes and meets my friend and has the epiphany of a lifetime. Is there any possibility?

We all make mistakes and with any justice or grace we wont be judged or marked for the rest of our lives by those mistakes. Sometimes bad things do happen to good people - right?

So as friend waits, and hopes, and dreams, what do I say to her? Your doing the right thing? Your a fool? He's a psychopath? He's unfortunate and you should give him a chance?

And furthermore what gives me or anyone else the right to judge? But when asked for your opinion and when you don't want to see someone you care for get hurt, do you draw from your own experience and cynicism? Or do you just hold a hand, give a hug, and lie through your teeth and say everything will be ok? My coined response thus far has been that everything will work out the way it is supposed to, although I think its getting a bit tired and old.

Then there is the frustration aspect. You know the part of you that wants to scream OPEN YOUR EYES! Although, if I had to add up all of the bad or less than great decisions Ive made when it comes to relationships Id still be counting right now and would have no time to write this.

Any thoughts?