INTRODUCTION

 So I'm thirty. A huge scary figure that now means your nice and crazy twenties are over. Is it so? I don't know. The world did not turn over, no nuclear explosions, no other extraordinary events on the day. Sun, sky, the same tube problems with "mind the gap" - everything stayed the same. Nobody, even guys from neighbouring office seemed not to notice that big change in my life.

Another thing - I'm single. And it was the very first birthday I celebrated being officially single, not attached to anyone in any way. May sound very strange, but I both hated it and loved it, at the same time. Hated for not having somebody's shoulder to lean on. Loved it, because I was free to do whatever I want.

Even more, what I'm doing now is writing about it. If someone told me about 5 years ago this would be the case, I would have definitely told him to consult whoever advises him on mental health. Immediatelly.

Before you read any further, please keep in mind - these are my experiences. Funny as they may be, sad as they may be, but they are real life stories. My life stories. No lies, no exaggeration - so please do not make judgements. We all have our own lessons to learn, our own lives to live. I just hope that I'm not alone who's going through all of this.

So ok, I'm thirty and single. One part of me likes that, the other one hates it. Somewhere deep in my heart I know it would be nice to have somebody besides me, but that "deep of my heart" is also dead afraid of any committments.

A bit of background: I came out of a very unsuccessful relationship involving lots of emotional and physical violence just half a year ago. Never thought something like that - somebody raising his hand on me, repeatedly - could ever happen to someone like myself, but it did. Incredibly, I endured it for quite a while and I even started thinking this is life and that it's the way life goes. Now, after 6 months after I finally ran away from him, I do not think that way anymore. But I finally admit domestic violence exists. I know it exists, though before that relationship it was only something happening to "silly other women, who I am not". And believe me, it's not easy to get out of the claws of violent partner, who's also an alcoholic and into drugs. Whatever the police, women's protection organisations say - eventually you are left alone, and it's you, you and only YOU, who must cope with it. Alone. Otherwise you are dead - sooner or later, emotionally or physically. Or both.

And there is a life out there, this I know now for sure.

So, end of phylosophies and back to the core - committments are scary, but also nice. Nice slightly outweights scary, and that's why I started going out again, with a slight hope to find that special one. Clubs, pubs, restaurants, parties every weekend...

Not finding that special one now does not bother me so much. What does though is that during about 3 months of going out I still did not see anyone who would capture my attention at least. As my heart is totally free and should be quite responsive, starting to date someone should not be a problem. But it appears to be the opposite.

Selfish, egocentric and bitchy attitude, isn't it? "oh I can't find anyone who I'd like, I can't choose, how unhappy I am...". That's what people think when I talk to them about it. And that is one of the reasons I started writing here.

A bit of background again: I'm awfully (in the very extreme of this word) tall, and I love high heels. Totals about 6'4" altogether. Size 10, though not skinny. Long hair, blue eyes, attractive face, look about 4-5 years younger than my age. To cut this short, I get a lot of attention from men (thank you), and turn heads. Everyone simply assumes I CAN'T be single. Why - ?

So again, egocentric thoughts of a spoilt little girl? It's for you to deliver a verdict on this.

And it's also your decision whether to read on to Part 2 - about seduction and introduction. With lots of WHY's for guys.