5 Ways to Effectively Annoy your Cat
83Let's face it, that cute, furry and cuddly beast known as the domestic house cat can be a domestic pain in the arse. If you "own" one, you know exactly what I mean. They don't come when called, they stand on your head at 6 in the morning when they're hungry, and they are constantly trying to escape the confines of their home, despite the ridiculously lavish lifestyle they are pampered by. The unfortunate thing is, cats follow the beat of a different drummer. Gone is the unswerving obedience so prevalent in the canine, and with it the ability to change behavior based on a discipline/reward system. If you catch your cat on the dinner table, squirting it with water will merely ensure a sneakier approach to their malfeasance in the future, if you reward them with a treat for good conduct, they will simply be twice as annoying the next time you open whatever cupboard the treat is strored in.
So what is a human to do, faced by such an indomitable adversary, one that feigns complete apathy in face of your sheer annoyance? It's simple: Fight fire with fire. Adopt the maturity level of a five-year old, and heap infantile levels of obnoxious behavior on your cat. It's quite simple really, for all their elegant, graceful and cool posturing, the DHC (domestic house cat) is actually quite fragile in regards to tolerating anything he or she does not like. While the long-term benefits of annoying your kitty cat are nearly obsolete, they are guaranteed to either a) inspire the DHC to ignore you for the next twenty minutes, b) be really nice (a strange response to being annoyed, but it happens, or c) make you feel good about finally leveling the playing field, no longer being bound by silly concepts such as human dignity and personal maturity.
There are numerous, almost limitless ways to bother a house cat, and it's up to you to find those particular things that really grate your own furball, but the five listed here have, after extensive research, been found to be extremely effective in getting under a cat's skin. Feel free to experiment with variations so as to optimize the levels of aggravation you can achieve for your little pal, and most importantly, have fun. If you think for an instant that that little bologna loaf isn't loving every minute of attacking your big toe while you sleep, think again.
1. Forced Affection
It is a bizarre aspect of their countenance. No matter how much a cat may like affection, they are absolutely repulsed by it when not on their terms. You may be able to pet little "Whiskers" all day long, but as soon as you force any sort of concern for his happiness upon him, Whiskers will immediately lose all interest in being pet. This funny quirk can be used greatly to your advantage. The primary subject of my annoyance studies, Vesuvius, has displayed high levels of aggravation during forced affection tests, and it is my belief that this is one of your greatest weapons in the war of bothering each other. Simply pick up your cat, lie down on your couch or bed, and completely envelop them in your arms, essentially "smothering" them in affection. To really enhance the obnoxiousness of this, maybe sing an extremely stupid song, replacing the majority of words with your cat's name, or repeat a completely ridiculous sentence in a whiny, high-pitched voice, like used by the guy on that beer commercial, "Who's got a furry little moustache?"
Your cat will hate you for at least ten minutes, until they forget, and will then resume all annoying activities they were previously engaged in, like missing the litter box, or lying down directly on top of whatever you happen to be reading.
2. Extreme Disappointment
While my little Vesuvius has a gigantic heart, she also has a stomache to match its size. Sadly, she has been on a diet for the majority of her life, but the poor little critter's metabolism just can't burn away the chubbiness. Needless to say, the prime point of annoyance employed by the munchkin is based around her desire for food. Her perpetual state of hunger, coupled with her insatiable desire to vocalize every trivial, little desire is a recipe for my insanity. Fortunately, I've found a way to counter the effects of madness by employing concept number two: Extreme Disappointment.
Simply wait until one of the victim's meal times, preferably when they are actually indicating a desire for food. Take out the source of sustenance (whether it be a bag, pouch or tupperware container), open it, feign excitement so as to increase the animal's own zeal, and give them one piece of food. Just one. The expression on Vesuvius's face is priceless when I employ this tactic, a mix of disbelief, desperation and utter contempt all mixed into one. Of course, I only let this go on for about a minute, but that's all that is necessary. This speaks a message to your cat: "I'm the food master, and if you don't like it, go eat a rodent." (If only they'd care...sigh)
3. Refused Victory
This one is simple really. If your cat likes to play (mine rarely shows interest), simply refuse to let them win. Laser pointers are perfect in this regard, since from the outset, victory is impossible; the cat cannot get the red dot. But other, more traditional toys are applicable as well, especially when attached to a string. For as long as the cat will allow, just keep the toy well out of reach. A cat will generally only fight for so long when there is no obvious reward or attainment of the target. And then, hopefully, they will ignore you for ten minutes, until they forget about the whole, painful affair and go do something obnoxious like barfing on the carpet or peeing on your $800 Turkish rug (true story, it's a wonder she's still alive).
Kittens are an exception to this rule, but I guess they really don't apply to any of the rules, as they really can't grasp the subtle nuances of the power struggle between man and feline. Besides, who would try to annoy a kitten? What are you, psycho?
4. Sudden Movements
I know, this is extremely bratty and adolescent, but I can't help it. When Vesuvius unsuspectingly strolls by, minding her own business and probably wrapped up in some daydream involving fresh fish and sparkly toys, I can't help but be amused by the two foot vertical launch produced by me moving my foot a mere three inches. I refuse to grow up.
5. Complete Humiliation
At risk of appearing insane, I unveil the 5th, and most powerful tool in the arsenal of annoyance: Dressing your cat up in costumes.
Don't get me wrong, it's not like I sew miniature dresses and sun hats and make her sit through tea parties with myself a host of stuffed animals (And if that sounds appealing to you, by all means, seek professional help). No, my execution of this particular tactic was motivated by a book idea. Basically, the book is a kung-fu epic, set in feudal Japan, in which the storyline is predominantly supplemented (oxymoron?) by photos of the different characters in totally awesome kung-fu costumes. My parents, who have four cats, were gracious enough to allow this complete exploitation of kitty dignity while I visited them last summer, and for the next couple hours, the photo shoot began. To no surprise, a cat hates, nay, loathes being dressed up like a ninja and having little miniature nunchuks attached to it. In fact, the whole endeavor proved to be so difficult I had to give it up. Damn prima donnas.
Regardless, the book shoot wasn't a complete waste of time. I got some hilarious photos, and found that for bugging your cat, nothing else comes close to this tactic. (Oh, and don't get any crazy ideas about stealing my phenomenal book idea, it's copyrighted).
In closing, I must say that there is a fine line between annoyance and plain cruelty. If the bothering goes on for an extended amount of time, or if you are experiencing a disproportionate sense of satisfaction from it, maybe you shouldn't have a cat, or maybe they just really deserve it. Bear in mind that a dog, in almost any case, will gleefully accept any of the above annoyances with gratitude and excitement. That said, consider procuring "man's best friend." Obviously "man's occasionally interested but mostly just barely tolerant acquaintance" is not for you.
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Comments
This is too funny. I was laughing all the way through. I have two girls and it is so true. Everything must be done on their terms. I've often said ( if you guys want to live, you will not agree) female cats have two strikes against them. One, they are cats and two they are female. There is just no hope for them.
Enjoying my cats is something I do often. They of course do not appreciate it one bit, but, I have fun with them, (at their expence of course).
Michelle
Oh man, any equation involving Cat + Laserpointer = extreme fun for both sides. Yeah, they can never win and probably lose sleep at night waiting for the mysterious red dot to come back out from wherever it's hiding, but it's just awesome to watch them chase it, and the fun lasts for hours. Our old room mate's cat was like yours, kind of overweight and lackluster when it comes to playing. I've never seen that cat move so fast as the first time we brought home a laser pointer, and it never seems to get old. We eventually get bored of playing!
Thanks keruoazy21, so I take it your cat is a torti as well? I've had two of them, and I love 'em. They just look so crazy, tons of colors with no discernible patterns. Really cute.
"One, they are cats and two they are female. There is just no hope for them." So true Michelle, and hilarious! There is definitely a big difference between male and female cats, the boys just seem to roll with the punches, but the girls take things a little more personally. But that's part of their charm I guess, and a great source of amusement.
Jonno, they really go nuts don't they? I love making the dot appear to go under something like a blanket, and then watch the cats tear it apart in their futile search. Unfortunately, my cat got wise to the dot a few years ago, and now has almost zero interest. She's all about the sparkly balls though, and that's pretty much it.
I had two favorite "practical jokes"...okay...three. I must add, no animals were harmed in these uh...incidents.
1) Sockhead - very simple. Place sock over cats head and watch them walk backward. Eventually they do find their way out though...so be warned.
2) One of my cats used to like to sit on the edge of my clawfoot tub and splash merrily as I relaxed in the water reading my book. My book was of course soaked. So one day, I uh...baby oiled the rim before getting in. The cat came racing around the corner and hit that rim at about mach 5....slid the entire length and off the other end. Yeah...I still chuckle at that one.
3) Take a very very infintessimally small dab of toothpaste and place it on cat's tongue. In a few seconds you will have Cujo Kitty...foaming at the mouth, long ropey drools...you'll have some cleaning up to do, but kitty's breath will be minty fresh.
haha thia is adorable. I do not have cats, but I will have to do all this to a neighbor;s cat. I refuse to grow up either. :)
Hilarious. I don't have a cat anymore, but when I did I spent a considerable amount of time annoying him. Most of the above mentioned tactics, as well as scotch tape on the feet (can't use any other kind or it sticks too well and pulls) or get him chasing something outside til he's really into it then lead the string, and him, right into the middle of a bush (it has to be a soft bush, of course). The complete loss of dignity and look of total disgust is side-splitting - as he strolls nonchalantly away, as if to say "I meant to do that."
PS: Great pics!
My cat just loves it when I pet her fur in the wrong direction. Also, her ability to sleep 20 hours every day makes me kind of jealous, so I have been known to wake her rather rudely, at times. That's the only chance I have to win the "Who can outsleep the cat" game.
Brilliant and hilarious. Well done, I must try these tactics on my three kitties.
Cats are so interesting. Another tactic to annoy cats (although pricy) is to move house. We had 3 cats. After moving home (butter on he paws is a myth) and keeping them indoors for about a week to acclimatise, one relaxed (Duke the big guy) another (Ginger) ran away and became a feral cat (we moved to a farm) and could be seen from time to time lurking in the bushes near the house. We think a snake got her eventually and her brother disappeared for about three weeks and then came home as if nothing was wrong.
Very funny (although quite serious).
I had a big mane coon cat, Baxter, run away after we moved. Guess he didn't the accomodations...
Oh man Cdub, that it such a funny aspect of a cat's personality, the whole "I meant to do that look." Priceless! Another thing I love is how if they're trying to spy on a person or another cat, they will smell the nearest inanimate object (i.e. table leg, no matter how pointless it may be to smell) while throwing little side glances at the target of curiosity. Such bad actors.
sixtyorso, moving is indeed a traumatic event for cats (and humans, I might add). Since having Vesuvius I have moved from wisconsin to oregon, back to wisconsin, back to oregon, and have moved within portland now about 4 times. I've taken her on a plane three times, and have driven over 5000 miles with her riding shotgun. I don't think she'll ever get used to it, and I admit, I feel kind of bad. Think I'll stay put for a while.
Thanks for the comments everyone!!!
Brilliant as usual, my friend; my face hurts from laughing so hard. And I frickin' love the comment/tactic from one of your responders that ended up with the cat hitting the baby-oiled bathtub edge "at mach 5" and sliding from one end to the next. Priceless.
Loads of thanks dear, glad I could make you laugh. Hope your summer has been fabulous, and what's up with that "knock knock" movie? Arg! I'll have to bug Alex.
This was great. I have always had cats and your so right about everything. Just what I needed to read in the middle of the day. Thanks!
Great ideas and thanks for sharing! As the owner of two cats (Abby and Bella), I can definitely relate to many things in this hub. And, I love tactic 5, although I have never tried it.
Great hub, after reading this boy are my cats gonna be mad me.....
LMAO, I love your hub! I have two female cats, one looks almost identical to your Vesuvius, her name is Allie. I have to admit that Allie is a very docile, roll with the punches, playful love bug. Her temperment has always been wonderful. The other cat, Nahla, is a tiger stripe orange bundle of nerves that will scratch the heck out of anything that offends her delicate sensibilities. So I got a dog. Peeling Nahla off every piece of furniture is getting to be routine, but her bitchiness is lessening quite nicely.
this was absolutely hilarious... and funny thing is i have done all 5. of course the fifth one was a chicken hat..
I once stayed at my brother's place for a couple of days and every morning Mike (his cat) will start biting my toes at 5:30am. Thanks to you I know how to pay him back next time I visit. At least Mike let me use the laptop unlike some other cats out there http://hubpages.com/hub/my-cat-surf-the-net-for-ex
:D
Thanks Jreuter for the uncontrollable fits of laughter your hub produced in my son and I! My son and I both agree this hub needs to be shared so we will be passing it along as well as giving it a thumbs up!
I regularly employ #1 to our kitty Ziggy....still need to get a laserpointer.
Is "Sir Snagglesworth III" that cats real name??? That in itself was almost a sidesplitter!
Thanks all!
Actually christinekv, Sir Snagglesworth III is my sister's cat, and his "real" name is Miska. I have the habit of renaming cats as I see fit, like my mom's black cat ebony (death squad the burrito) and her long haired mane coon, anna (fuzzits), even vesuvius has not been exempt from this renaming, and has held the titles of Lotus Blossom and The Brown Streak during various times in her life. I'm easily amused.
Well I have to say, I loved seeing this side of you - wouldn't have known through your travel pieces that you are so hilarious! I passed on a link to this hub to probably 20 people and so far, two have responded to me that they too think you are very funny.
Thanks so much christinekv, way to spread the hub love!
This is a total riot! I've actually dressed my kitty up as a hot dog before. So fun, so fun.
OMG Jason! I thought I was the only one who renamed pets - mine and everybody else's. What's cool is when the pets accept the new name, and answer to it. Like they're going, "Finally, someone knows my real name..."
Wahine, a kitty as a hot dog? That's just wrong and hilarious on so many levels.
Oh man, that is such a hilarious visual, a cat dressed as a hotdog! Nice.
Constant, what would really be awesome is to rename a friends dog. Like say, if your friend goes on a vacation and you have to take care of his pitbull "Spike,' and when he comes back the dog only answers to "poopykins." How I long to do that. Someday.
Cats are so wonderful, and they even put up with idiotic human behavior. I will never get over how intelligent cats are especially our barn cats. Of course their main goal in life is to become a DHC. Just be careful what you do to those cats, they have ways to getting even!
Great article, really funny! Now I'll probably need to go and annoy my furball :)
FREE CAT! Do you think these will work on a stray cat that not only refuses to leave, but has conned the JRT into liking it! If only I can annoy it into leaving. . .
LOL @ cat torture. The laser pointers are so fun. THere's actually an added benefit to laser pointers besides just pissing off your cat. You can also piss of your wife and your kids. :D My daughter likes to do her homework on the floor and I can shoot the laser over her pages and stuff and the cats go tearing over the top of her stuff (heh heh) and I can put the laser anywhere else that might piss off my wife. God that's great fun. (Cat costumes are the best, by the way... put that dignity thing right where it belongs.)
Ooh I forgot about the cat laser thing...
My husband still hasn't forgiven me the crotch shot I once gave him :) I never knew a man could scream like that.
cute. i like the "complete humiliation" part
That made me chuckle! My cat Tiggy is like your Vesuvius - she is too fat but still hassles me noisily for more food. She even goes as far as biting me in the leg if I try to ignore here, which many people say you should do. I find it hard not to react to teeth in my flesh though!
Also when she plays, which is great for keeping her weight down, or should be, she does annoying stuff like going under a bed and leaving it to me to make a toy outside the bed interesting enough for her to come out and grab or chase it! Or she takes the toy under the bed and leaves it there and I have to go and get something to get it out. She also wakes me up at 7am every morning and won't allow me a lie in! In fact she is a bully! lol
Cute article, she sounds a lot like my cat.
I don't believe in buggin any animal. I really don't think this is funny. I know you probably meant well. But, an animal depends on us for affection and food and shelter and even peace of mind. A cat is a cat and why "bug them" because they're a cat with cat behavior.
If you don't like them, leave them alone. I wouldn't even let a 5 year old bother an animal in this fashion. Laser points annoy animals and cats in particular to the point of great frustration. It is NOT healthy to frustrate an animal with a laser light. It is NOT funny. Animals are not toys.
I'm very worried that you think any of this is acceptable.
I think people here gave you the benefit of the doubt...and they are nice to do that. However, many of these tactics border on torture.
I hope you were teasing and really don't do these things. Moving your foot is mild...the rest is more than annoying, I think it's very wrong.
I have four cats. Well 3 and half - Booster has 3 legs. Booster dribbles and is very vocal but he can't half move fast for a tripod. Stella is pure evil and will not be fussed but she does enjoy murdering slowly her prey under my bed at 2am and crunching extra loudly. Spooky is a total tard, he pulls the heads off mice and leaves their severed faces in the region of the mouses arse. Mischief - aka Thud as she will just hit the floor with a thud, legs a kimbo demanding attention. Her tail was stolen from a racoon.
http://www.flickr.com/photos/bluecrow7/sets/721576How to annoy your cat. You forgot some...
Shoot your cat - no not with a gun. Pick your moggie up, gently hold the front legs with your right hand, and the back legs with your left. Cock the cat (chk chk) and machine gun spray your moggie. This would be under category 5. Tis funny as f*k and very good for annoying said moggie.
Laser pen - hours of fun. Great exercise for you as you laugh your arse off watching the cat leap 3 foot up to catch the little red dot. Good exercise for the garfield lardass too.
Christmas decorations - keep the string of balls and watch the so-called mature cat go all kitten for it. Lots of fun... 10 metres of annoyance as it click clicks past the chair... whiskers point forward and then 'boing' cat attack.
What else is annoying to cats - kids.
Great blog. Read Terry Prachett's Unadulterated Cat http://www.amazon.com/Unadulterated-Cat-Terry-Prat
Thanks to everyone for the comments, I love seeing everyone tell their own stories about the cat or cats in their own lives, and how every individual cat, no matter how many billions there may be, has its own little quirks that make it unique. I must say though, I just knew that someone would take this hub WAY too seriously and yell at me for it. Congratulations goes out to Barbara, for completely missing the point and taking something intended to be lighthearted and whimsical and making it out to be torturous and cruel. Seriously, laser lights are wrong? Come on, that's just silly.
Hahaha, finally some ways to get some peace. I know you posted this ages ago but random googling led me here and I had to comment. I also had to submit some of the things that I've learnt:
1)If a cat sits on your head at 6am and expects to be fed, take advantage of its exrememly well developed sense of smell. Breathe deep, open wide and blow. One blast of morning breath should keep them away from you till you're good and ready.
2)Cats become static very easily. Next time you order stuff online, stroke your cat with a jumper and put her in a box full of styrofoam pieces. It'll take her ages to sit and (quietly) remove the big chunks and lick all the static fuzz out of her precious coat.
3)If you have two cats, put one INSIDE a cardboard box, the other OUTSIDE. Put a teeny hole in the box and watch them visciously hunt each other and leave you alone for a while.
great hub! Our cats aren't always indoors, though, and if they get too fed up, they stalk out of the cat flap and vanish (-:
We've used them all but #2. Obviously, we have a taker for #5 who doesn't mind it one bit, but everyone else completely loathes the other ideas! Great hub!
Your article had me laughing from beginning to end. I can't say that I relate - my three cats are angels most of the time. I raised them from the day they were born so I guess they see me as their real mommy. :)
You have a very dark mind...lol
vesuvious is just like my cat, the most strange looking colors in the world of kitty fashion....
Good tecniques, I practise almost all....I am a real pain in the ass to my cats!
my cat is mean
NIce cat stories. I married a woman 12 years ago, and of course had to adopt her many cats as part of our new family. I had mostly been a "dog" person prior to this. it has been an experience to say the least.
These are all very funny, just one problem. I am not heartless, and my 8 week old kitten is probably the most annoying animal i have ever seen. i love her because she is cute most days. but she is even cuter to annoy.
Brilliant hub, its always good to get more annoying inspiration! I tried dressing my cat up in a dolls dress when I was little though ended up getting kinda mauled before the dress was even over her head (she was born feral!)! I used to have to wear several layers of gloves to protect myself whilst 'playing' but I get nice cuddles now!
Try also:
- the peg on tail (light plastic peg & get a good grip of the fur only!) watch your cat clatter around trying to see what it is thats following it!
- sticker/tape on nose, watch your cat fall over & walk backwards trying to look round the sticker!
- water flick, watch them 'itch' from the water droplets!
You should look up the 'mean kitty song' & related vlogs on youtube if you haven't already, very, very funny!
lol... you cali looks just like my sisters her name was loki and she could be both compleatly sweet and uterly terrifiying. You list is hilarious and informative. I must say I have used some of the tactic of revenge before, I also have one cat who is ticklish, I just use my thumb and pointer finger to very gently twist a couple of hairs back and fourth, no tugging or pulling just twisting, and he jumps like he's bit by a masquito, and if I do it to many times the fight is on. I just thought I'd pass on my favorite way to annoy my chubby cat.
kerouazy21 says:
16 months ago
these are marvellous. I find that i actually do employ these tactics whenever i can with my two "bundles of joy." My girl cat, who looks remarkably like yours, is my main target. I will have to try the extreme disappointmen, though. It seems like it would both work AND make me feel a whole helluva lot better!
cheers