Right off, I may get some flak for this Hub.  I am not a woman.  Thankfully.  And I can admit that this list consists of only one item (#9) that my wife possesses.  But I thought it only fair, Title IX wise, to have a bookend to my previous Hub, 9 Things No Man Should Own.   I mean no malice to any female by writing this Hub, and I won’t be personally calling anyone out within the body of this work, but this list is genuinely made-up of things I have witnessed or been told by friends their wives or girlfriends own, with no valid reason.  It’s written in fun so please remember that.  Leave your comments below.  

9.  Power Tools.  I know women who own them.  I know women who have spent their own money on them.  And God knows I don’t have any nor have any interest in either buying or using them.  But to be my most sexist, power tools are for men.  Women should ask men for help with anything closely resembling a task requiring the use of a Vrrr Vrrr sound.  I say this because I still like chivalry and believe in it.  I’m ALL for equal rights and “You’ve come a long way, baby,” but I like thinking that there are still certain things that men should do to assist women.  In the interest of full disclosure, my wife handles all electronics, quasi-carpentry, and anything resembling “guy-work.” 

8.  Spittoons.  Some of you may ask, “What is that?”  Others may cringe and shake their heads.  But I don’t mean literal spittoons, the round, metal spitting receptacles, but dip cups.  I have not only witnessed women who have chewed tobacco, but kept a “healthy” collection of plastic bottles filled with the nasty juices that they spit into them.  I actually don’t condone any gender using tobacco in any form, or utilizing a spit-cup in front of me, but I’d rather it be a man than some she-man. 

7.  A Baseball Cup.  For a guy’s junk.  I knew a girl who had one in her room.  The natural reaction was to ask why, so I caved.  I was hoping for a Bad News Bears type of answer, where a coach made everyone wear one as not to show sexism, instead I learned that she stole it from an ex-boyfriend.  This criminal mastermind conceived the idea not as a joke, but in the hopes that her rotten ex would give up searching for his jewel box, play a game anyway, and get super-flied by a line drive.  She had it for two years.  Displayed.  She was…I think the technical term is, nuts. (see what I did there?)

6.  A 40-Ounce Monument.  Back in college it was popular for many guys we knew to either cut and tape the sides of beer cases to their walls or display the empty 40-ounce beer bottles around their rooms.  I admit I had three 40-ounce bottles over my bed.  The amount I drank that semester.  But I knew two girls, roommates, who had dozens of bottles in their room.  They didn’t drink them, but they were remnants of drinks consumed by guys who had “partied” in their room.  I guess when you can’t notch the old bedpost innovation kicks in. 

5.  Subscriptions to Men’s Magazines.  I get it, some guys like girls who are hip and seem to want to show they are real guy’s girls.  But I don’t ask the female population to buy that me reading a Better Homes & Gardens or Cosmo is going to make me a more sensitive, idealistic mate.  That’s why there are thousands of different magazines.  Women should stick to their fav’s like People and Us, and let men read about the cool, shiny new gadgets and leer at the unattainable women that soak up Playboy and Stuff.   

4.  A Dollhouse.  Look what daddy bought me…when I was seven.  If it’s an antique, store it.  If it is a display piece for conversation sake, enjoy the Cabbage Patch Owners Anonymous meeting.  

3.  Stuffed Animals.  In the same vain as dolls.  Once again rehashing college memories, we knew plenty of girls who possessed multiple stuffed animals.  I knew one particular girl that had nearly 20 stuffed beings.  I could lay upon her bed and hide amongst them like E.T.  And more recently I became aware that I am related to a grown woman that not only had a stuffed bear, that she named, but the bear had a fake passport.  Yikes! 

2.  Cats.  In general I think cats are lazy, snotty and give nothing back to their owners.  I therefore think women who own them can care less about the feelings of others since it is obvious that owning a cat means you have to provide as little attention as possible.  Thank God my wife is a dog person.  I suppose I am also thankful that after writing all this I am lucky enough to have any woman in my life willing to put up with me. 

1. Pocket-sized Dogs.  They just made a movie about talking Chihuahuas and it actually made money.  Thank you Paris Hilton and the other hundred or so un-talented “celebrities” who made it so chic to own a dog that resembles sewer dwelling creatures.  I get mad at myself for growing Incredible Hulk angry when I see a woman carrying around her little fur(less)-ball.  I try and practice temperance, but I just can’t help it.  If you have to have one, please leave it at home.  But I do want to thank the middle-aged woman I saw at the ski resort last week who not only carried her dog around, but shared the same exact haircut with the abomination.  You made my day.