i was 8 yrs old and between the torturous abuse from the foster home,then running away only to be sadistically abused by the old men who picked me up.then i would find ways to escape,only to be picked up by the police.i would tell them of the horrors that went on at the foster home,but they didn't believe me.they said your a bad boy for running away and you deserved what a beating. then they brought me back to the foster home,where i got the worst beating of my life.no matter what i did back fired on me,and i just wanted to die!so when they weren't around i went under the sink and got some rat poison and sprinkled it all over my spagetti dinner, figuring that would end my suffering however it didn't. here i am 8 yrs old trying to kill myself and couldn't even do that.all that happened was i got violently sick and vomited many times,they never even knew. so i took my chances and kept running away,always staying clear of the police. i had many recurances of men posing as school teachers,preists and cops whom viciously had their way with me including tying me up and holding me against my will.but i would always find away to escape.this went on until the age of 14 when i was reunited with my biological mother.now my mother is staying at a nursing home dying and even though we never had a relationship i got up the courage to forgive her and see her on a regular basis.my inspiration mostly came from above but there was also another sourse,it came from within something i never knew i had and that was a soul i had conciounce,one thing those monsters will never have or ever have.!!I

in all actuality all those times i ran away was to find my real mother,because the foster parents always told me that she didn't care about me.that she was no good and nothing but a drunk and she never wants you back,and your stuck here forever.i didn't beleive a word of it! so i put myself in harms way every time i ran away just to find her,so when i was finally reunited with her i was in my glorry. however my celebration was short lived.i found out everything they said about her was the absolute truth.she was an alcoholic who did not care about me or what i had gone through just to find her.then her husband my stepfather was even worse,he was even a worse drunk than her.he was a big guy who use to whip me with the belt and throw me up against the walls repeatedly.now granted i was not the perfect teenager,considering my childhood i had some deep rooted physcilogical issues.as a matter of fact i slit my wrist 3 times once was so deep they said it was a miracle that i lived through it.then i tried to hang myself in the hallway at the house and the rope broke.then i came home one night and found my suitcase in the hall with a note attached to it ,saying that she didn't want me there and that she didn't care about me and never did.so with no where else to go i beat on the door and my stepfather came out and physically threw me down three flights of stairs.then told me if i came back he was going to beat me to death! the next day i went to school and stopped at a trading post and stole a meat cleaver,because i was really going to kill him.fortunately a girl saw me put it in my locker and went to the princible and told him and he called the police and i was expelled.had that girl not seen me i would probably be sitting in jail right now. so now i'm back living on the streets in abandoned buildings and cellars living a life of crime to survive and drinking heavily.going through girlfreinds left and right because when we would get intimate,and they wanted to touch my private area i would move their hand away.due to all the sexual abuse i went through i couldn't allow anyone to touch me there and these girls didn't understand that !!

i got my first job at17 ,but because i was sleeping in cellars i was showing up late and dirty.that didn't go over to well with the boss, and i lost my job.so i went back to stealing and eventually got caught and spent some time in jail.when i got out i met up with this girl and with the use of medication i was relaxed enough to get intimate, and she got pregnant with my first boy.i was all excited.then a year later i was coming home from work,andi caught my best freind in bed with my girl freind.he was muscle bound and every time i tried to see the baby he beat the living daylights out of me,and then they moved far away.then acouple of yrs later at a hose party i met this beautiful italian girl whom came from italy,she had the perfect accent and all i knew about her was that she had epilepsy.we were together for almost a yr before she got pregnant,we instantly got married.but somewher along her 8th month they spotted something wrong.it was a birth defect called spinal bifida.the baby had a sack protruding from her back,and it had to be tucked in immediately and in the progress ,she became paralized from the waist down with no functions of her lower extremities.because of my wifes unconrolled seizures,i had to be the one to go to childrens hospital for 10 weeks to train and learn how to properly take care of her.i did this for 8 yrs playing mommy and daddy,i was completely exhausted and overwhelmed.then with the mother fallindown having seizures banging her head violently,her mentality was degrading down to a 12 yr old. and at 8 yrs old she had developed from her hormones what was called precosious puberty,where her sexual organs developed at an accellerated rate.i felt like i was being invasive and intrusive. i wasn't getting the funding and the whole process became to much for me, so that she could have a better life,i gave her up for adoption even though it broke my heart.then in my second marriage i let it be known that i didn't want another child and she told me she was on birth control.then low and behold she becomes pregnant, with a boy whom seems normal at first but as time goes by we found out he had autism.not just autism but full blown autism!then when he was 6.

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i was so distraught after losing my daughter,i took a whole bottle of tegretol 200 mg and i survived.then after losing my first son to the bully i took another full bottle of tegretol and still suvived.then i lost my job and the landlord was going to evict me and i took a full bottle of seraquel 200 mg. and a few other times for obvious reasons,like i really wanted to die.these were not cries for help they are what you call impulse reactions,since i was 8 and put rat poison on my food.up to the major suicides of all the pills, with each time doctors yelling at me that i should have died with the amount of pills i took.they were mystified! youv'e got to admit since i was 8 there have been 9 suicide attempts,5 that i should have died from! i believe there is something demonic that is keeping me alive(making me suffer) giving me 9 lives,how many more i don't know but sence it is evil in nature. although there could be an end in sight because i had a dream where i was surounded by a crowd of people and there was a bunch of yelling, and the perpatraitor stabbed me in the heart i didn't even feel it all i knew was that i was dieing and leaving my body.then everything turned black and i did not cross over. it was the 1st dream of my entire life that i actually died in,now weather that will come true or not is yet to be played out.if you have visited all three of my blogs you must be wondering why would i spill my guts out to complete strangers.well let me tell you why,one of my most recent therapist and physciatrist advised me to write a book revealing the gruesome and horrifying ordeals subjected to an innocent child.so that they may better understand how to treat and diagnose a patient whom has been subjected to evil up close and personal.the reason i chose blogs is i do not know how to write a book.maybe sometime in the future i will learn.