In hindsight, it all started in high school. I didn't realize that not everyone had thoughts of suicide. Two kids in my class killed themselves so I thought it was normal. I would sit in my room sometimes and think of a 'plan'. But all my time wasn't spent in depression. I discovered that being the life of the party and drinking suited my hyper days. I thought this was immaturity and normal teenage behavior. (Well, maybe.)

This lifestyle followed me into adulthood. I went out with everyone who asked and drank into the wee hours of the night. (morning, actually) But there were other times when I turned off the lights, locked the door and left my date wondering where I was and why I stood him up. I was there, sitting in the corner, crying, wishing it all would end.

Then I met my soul mate and the next ten years were more wonderful than I could have ever imagined. We moved to the mountains, bought some land and I flourished in our own small world. It didn't seem to matter that there were days that I dug a 1/2 acre garden, mowed the lawn, painted the rooms of our house all in a few days. It was understandable that there were days that followed where I could barely get out of bed and sat staring at the walls. Then, to my husband's dismay, I discovered the joy of buying things. I bought plants, bird feeders and food, clothes, gardening tools, statues and bird baths, pictures, movies, craft supplies and MANY more things. I made plant hangers, afghans, Christmas ornaments, t-shirts, square dancing outfits (we loved to dance) and other things that if listed would fill up volumes. Then, again, came the days when I couldn't get out of bed or even focus on anything. When my husband died, my world was shattered and I became lost among the ashes of all my hopes and dreams.

I didn't openly grieve and that worried my family. I put on a happy face and went frantically on with my life. Good days and bad days... After my first attempt at suicide, those around me finally realized that I was spiraling downward. Thus began my long and rocky road to today.

Needless to say, I was diagnosed with severe depression. I was given every antidepressant known to man as well as antianxiety medication. Some made me sleepy and some made me hear things that weren't there. (scary) Nobody asked me what I did when I was alone or when I couldn't sleep. I would have told them about the vacuuming and cleaning and various other things I did at 2:00 in the morning. I would have told them about my new-found love of shopping on the Internet.

I lost several jobs and had to sell everything and move back near my family. The sense of shame and failure buried me even deeper. I could not function or focus and failed my family. Many doctors and therapists later, I was finally diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder and a whole new string of medications began. Finally, one of them worked!

I started on Lamictal and, within 2 weeks - not the usual 6 to 8, I began to notice the world around me. I read a novel for the first time in 10 years. I got a job that I love and have kept for 4 years. My son finally has a functioning mother and we do stuff together. The highs and lows are tolerable now and not so drastic. My therapist has helped me understand my negative thought patterns and habits that hinder my search for a healthy lifestyle. If you're interested, see my hub page titled 'Think it Positive' for the steps I'm taking to turn my negativity around.

Thanks for reading this far and sharing a part of my life. I hope you get some benefit from it.

Road Less Traveled.