Since I was about nine years old (maybe younger, I don't keep records), I have loved, unconditionally, the art of writing. Fiction, non fiction, whatever it may be, as long as its flowing from my fingers or pen, it's a wonderful thing. As I continued writing throughout my life though, letting the words scribble them selves down has become a much more difficult task. The books tell me how it should be done, the teachers I've had tell me nothing, and my own mind turns it's back on me as I stare blankly at each new sheet of paper. Whether it be blue, black, green, legal pad, construction paper, my mind seems to laugh at me every time I try to create. And what's worse? It's becoming really, really, old. That my friends is what is worse.

Day one, I sit down, pen in hand, ideas flowing, its time to start, but where? Where does it all begin, where does it all end? I fall in love with the characters in my mind more and more, but I can't even land them safely to begin their journey into the depths of my story. I've learned enough (though I am still ignorant) to know readers are drawn to a character through conflict and emotion, but I can't even so much as place them in a simple argument without revising a thousand (exaggeration) times. Day one has become subjected to failure.

Day two, forget the readers. I write because I love it, if nobody but myself ever lays eyes on my story, so be it. At least I created, at least I finished. The pen touches paper, the ink flows in reverse, it isn't good enough for my own eyes. Why would they even be in that place? What the hell got them into that situation? Only a couple of the questions I ponder and answer with a degrading response. They're being placed somewhere with too many questions left unanswered. If you answer all those questions the story will be a mile long (literally, lay out the papers, it'll be a mile long). Day two, subjected to failure.

Day three, third time is the charm right? Here comes a new plan. How about I just write what is in my head, then fill in the rest after? Good idea right? I've heard of people doing it that way, and since the ideal way doesn't work for me (create an outline - a baffling method I've never been able to cope with), this has to be the answer. The pen flows correctly this time, I've created a tear jerking climactic point in my book, and then another, and another. I sit back to look over my work and find satisfaction for moments, only to realize the rest is still blank. There is no climax with no beginning and end. So, what next? Do work. I scribble endlessly to try and put together at least one part of my story, but after revision, the story has changed completely. The once breath taking climax has become dull and bland, the linking parts even worse. Someone once told me to much revision will ruin a good book, and I believe them. But, in my thought process, I believe anything less than perfection will ruin my story. I am, yet again, at a stand still. Failure, failure, and a little more failure.

Day four... screw day four. Writer's block? No, to be blocked I need to have attacked first. I believe this goes beyond writer's block, maybe into a lack of links in my brain. A teacher will say how it can be done, but if it does not work for me, it can not be done. I don't think writing style is adaptive (to an extent), I think everyone has their own. After all, are we not all just jotting down parts of ourselves into every sentence? Well, actually, I don't know about others, but I do.

All said, my never ending battle with creativity and ignorance will remain burning hot for time to come. There are many more factors playing into this block I suppose, but the main picture is pretty clear: I can't write an entire book, because I can't figure out a way to piece it together. Spelling, punctuation, all that aside, creating is driving my hands numb. Is it a lack of knowledge that I can't piece a story together? Or, is it my lack of creative expression? Hell if I know, they have creative writing courses, but they don't seem to pull out my creativity when the teacher just states, "Write and don't stop.".... Gotcha champ. Score one for easy street teaching, zero for my state of writing.

Hmmmm, was nice to get that off my chest. Peace out.