No time for in-depth perusals of your favorite news sites this morning? Afraid of staring at your colleagues with a vacant expression while they wait on your opinon of the latest issues? Have no fear. The intrepid editors of SCAT (Society of Culture, Arts & Technology) offer concise, edgy opinions which you may voice as your own with the unshakable confidence of one who knows his or her argument is so original that any rebuttal would take at least a few minutes to formulate! (By which time you need to be as far away as possible - leaving your verbal opponent with that vacant expression you've become so well known for). Cramming on the following capsules will guarantee, among other things: more sex; better sex; longer sex; sex with multiple partners simultaneously; frequent promotions; sex with your boss; free drinks; sex with cocktail waitresses who bring you free drinks; and worldwide fame.

THE TRUTH: The truth is actually quite pedestrian, and should be avoided while discussing the apacolyptic potentials at your disposal. Nonethelss, in the unlikely event you need to hold intelligent discourse with a health professional, you might want to briefly acquaint yourself with the facts: Every year thousands of Americans die from the 'regular' flu. This year, no Americans have died of the swine flu, though one toddler from Mexico died in the US whose family brought him to Texas for medical treatment. Basically the intelligent & safe assumption is that if you're going to get the flu and you're an American, your chances of surviving are much greater if the straing you contract is of the swine variety - and you stay away from Texas hospitals.

THE SPIN: The following two bylines are all you need to memorize to captivate an audience. (The basics are all substantiated by mainstream news media.) First: The swine flu is sweeping through the world at an exponential rate, spreading to 70 countries in less than a week!

After dropping that very cool word 'exponential', be sure to infer that 600 'confirmed' cases could actually represent about 300,000 viruses in the incubation stage - and that by the time those cases are officially reported this pandemic will be afflicting over a billion of the world's residents. Deaths are being reported as high 10% in some areas, which will make the swine flu a bigger killer this year than heart disease; cancer; car accidents and suicides combined!  Second: Vice President Joe Biden has already given us a warning.  In a brilliant move which did not directly undermine the administration's order to keep the proportions of this 'end of the world' event under wraps until it's too late to do anything but drop dead, Biden surreptitiously warned Americans that the only way to guarantee you and your family's safety is by completely quarantining yourselves inside a secluded mountain cabin with a 2 year's supply of food.

Officials pointedly did not mention the whereabouts of former Dallas Wide Receiver Terrel Owens, after a practice facility collapsed Saturday afternoon, injuring 12 people.

 THE TRUTH:  Terrel Owens, of course, would never set foot anywhere near a practice facility.  THE SPIN: Owens has it in for his former team, and authorities are keeping mum about his involvement.  And while he probably never meant to hurt anybody, what better time to set off an explosive than during a thunderstorm?

Before a spat of recent heroism, contemporary piracy seemed to be a flourishing business. Nobody was getting killed, ransoms were being honored and everybody was happy.  It seems there are a still few shipping companies who still resist armed escorts, which fuels a growing market for adventurous job seekers.

THE TRUTH: I have no idea if Americans are considering piracy. They could be, though.  I'm sure I wasn't the only one who fantasized about it as a kid. THE SPIN: There is rumored to be an underground society of American pirates who are working in conjunction with the shipping industry! Employment contracts guarantee you will not be killed, that you'll have an ongoing supply of exotic wenches and brandy, and that you can make up to 50K in tax free USD per successful ransom. These black market employment managers can be found in most American port cities by a determined search of their seediest cantinas.

 These are all the updates you need to familarize yourself with for the time being.  If somebody tries to bring up another topic which we haven't yet prepared you for, simply say "That's really not important.  Did you hear about Terrel Owens bombing the Cowboy's practice facility?"  Until next time, the editors at S.C.A.T. remind you to read between the lines...