We all think we know what to do if a relationship isn't working - a dirty weekend away, time apart, even having a baby.

However, not only do these strategies normally fail, but in many cases they turn a bad situation into a crisis. So why does all this potentially good advice go so easily off the rails?

Firstly, instead of trying to understand the root causes of our misery, we want a quick fix. Many women who complain that their partner has splashed out on something expensive -like a big diamond ring - as a way to buy them off, rather than truly listen to them. Secondly, most relationships tip from satisfactory to unhappy, not because of some monstrous piece of behaviour but because of the accumulation of bad habits and poor communication.

But conventional wisdom suggests that big problems need big solutions. Grand gestures - like a romantic holiday to solve sexual difficulties - only work in the short term. For a solution, to stick it has to change our day-to-day life or the problems start rebuilding again.

Worse still, big changes are hard to pull off. We become quickly discouraged and suspect a fundamental flaw in our relationship.

The good news, however, is that there is a simple alternative. Instead of trying harder, instead of grand gestures, I look for changes that are small, measurable and repeatable.

A holiday should provide a chance to relax, unwind and reconnect. But all that time together can be disastrous.

Sadly, many people feel that the more money spent on the trip, the greater the result. With such high expectations, failure is almost inevitable. Unlike at home, an unhappy couple cannot escape to the office or seek solace from friends. Under these pressure cooker conditions, even the smallest disagreement can set off an explosion.

Romantic breaks do work - especially for couples with children as it reminds them that they are parents - but only if you have begun to address underlying tensions and rebuild communication.

How can you reconnect? In the morning, share one thing about your day ahead; in the evening, share one thing that happened. It also takes five positive strokes (a compliment, saying thank you, and a small thoughtful act) to combat one negative one (criticising, grumbling). Make a conscious effort to increase the positives - and he'll follow suit.

Having a baby

So why has this conventional wisdom survived?

Relationships naturally move through stages: The collaborating stage - where the focus is on joint projects - naturally occurs about five years into the relationship when many couples decide to have babies.

So, choose something less challenging than a baby or setting up a business together. Take up a short-term project which is less difficult to do but still encourages you to bond with each other, such as trekking or learning to sail together.

We like to think that if everything is out in the open, we can begin to rebuild our relationship. The same thinking can also make someone provoke their partner into a massive argument to "clear the air".

A fight would get his full attention and I got stuff off my chest - but nothing actually changed.

Good communication cannot spring out of bad communication. In the heat of the moment, couples fling insults and irritate each other. So, by contrast, the phrase "we need to talk about our relationship" seems reasonable. It usually isn't. Instead, the other partner will feel too defensive to listen. Crisis talks can work, but only if both parties believe there truly is a crisis - like after an affair. In these cases, the talking will flow naturally rather than be artificially set up.

What is the alternative?

A trial separation

Most relationship breakthroughs come from successfully negotiating minor domestic upsets rather than from a temporary break. Sure, there are advantages to time apart, but in general, a weekend away from each other is sufficient.

Another way is to do an exercise called "imagine what if". Sarah was angry that Mark didn't show her enough love, while he complained that he couldn't love someone who shouted at him all the time. So Sarah tried to "imagine what if' Mark was right. After all, if he held this opinion strongly, it must have some validity. The next time she felt unloved, she explained her feelings quietly, and as rationally as possible. She got a hug instead of the cold shoulder.

Setting an ultimatum

But sometimes, one partner will walk out in anger or threaten to leave. The result is the same: crisis point.

When Linda gave Gary the ultimatum that if things hadn't changed within a year, their marriage was over, he was defensive and perplexed. "I don't understand what I've done wrong," he said. "I know things could be better, but why should it all be up to me?" They had reached a stalemate and both had consulted lawyers.

Linda explained he needed to be "more thoughtful and show more respect". To Gary, this seemed impossible - "nothing I do is enough", he said. Linda was asked to be more specific. How would she know when he's been thoughtful? She decided that the goal would be for him to hang the wet clothes out to dry when he got home. It worked because it was small and measurable.

If your arguments escalate until one of you threatens to leave, break the crisis up into small pieces.

What started the bad mood? By identifying the small moments, you can start dealing with the problems as they happen rather than letting them get worse and blow up into a nasty confrontation.