So swine flu’s symptoms have you feeling slightly groggy? Fear not, your flu shot, thanks to big pharma, is coming soon to a flu vaccine dispenser location near you. Or maybe not. Or, if you’re like some, maybe a feeling of amazement has come over you. What’s that, why be amazed?

Where to begin. For starters, mark your calendars for November 19-20, 2009. Let’s all head to Chicago, Illinois for a real pig party. Actually, let’s make that the “Swine Flu School Planning Workshop.”

Yes, swine flu’s beneficiaries have taken their marketing program to the windy city, in the form of tourism. Already there are plans for vendors to sell the soon-to-be-famous pig poster. Early reports indicate that advance orders are solid and brisk for pig t shirts. It’s certain to get even more entertaining. Pigs feet, pigs ears and silk purses can’t be far behind. After all, we’re talking about a pandemic outbreak. Pop to Chicago.

Of all places, why Chicago? You had to ask. Where’s your patriotism? What did you expect? Midland, Texas. How about Little Rock, Arkansas? You’ve got your presidential location destinations confused, and you’re a few years late.

Recommendations came out from the federal Centers for Disease Control (CDC) to release vaccine shipments earlier this year in order to better prepare for the new and improved version of last year’s swine flu outbreak dud.  This new model, 2009 H1N1 (swine flu), was declared a pandemic by the World Health Organization (WHO) on June 11, 2009.  A pandemic is loosely defined as a disease prevalent over the whole country or the world.  Remember this, however, as clearly stated on CDC’s website, on it’s own personal page devoted to this pig tale, most people who become ill from this virus require no medical treatment.  That, of course, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t buy yourself the latest antidote to mass marketing.  

The law of supply and demand is an interesting concept in mass marketing. Already across the United States reports are emerging of a shortage of swine flu vaccine. Between September 9 and September 24, 2009, the Division of Public Health in Atlantic County, New Jersey had administered 2,798 swine flu vaccine doses, thereby depleting its existing supply of vaccine. This supply was based on “recommendations and guidelines” provided by the above-mentioned CDC.

Vaccine delivery dates for the county were promised in two separate shipments: August and September. To date, they have received one. Manufacturer representatives for the manufacturer of the vaccine state that it is having problems filling orders due to “interruptions” caused by the production of H1N1 (swine flu) vaccine. Brilliant.

One of the classic and most effective marketing techniques in any marketing program involves supply and demand. Scared yet? Don’t worry. There are projected to be two or three waves of swine flu this coming autumn and winter. Reserve your wave now.

There’s also another very effective marketing plan currently under way regarding WHO’s latest pandemic. If you’ve not yet received your email from New Fields Exhibitions, well, folks, you’re out of the loop. Chances are you might not get one, either.

Don’t bother going to their website and clicking on “About Us” or “NF in the Media” or “News” or “Press Contacts” or “Customer Care” or “Contact Us” or “Careers” for any information, as you will most likely be greeted with “the requested URL” cannot be found, on many servers. Even the blue-toned image on their home page has a certain impression in the arena of first impressions. However, feel free to fill out the blanks that they request from you. It’s certain to enlighten. If you don’t want to fill in the blanks (I certainly would not), but would like a bit more information, read on.

If you are one of more than 500 high school or university administrators, teachers, first responders, police chiefs, safety professionals and/or community leaders who have already reserved their spot at such an “unprecedented 2-day national event” it’s safe to say well then, aren’t you lucky. Let’s see, the pandemic was announced in early June, the “unprecedented” workshop is being held almost a half year later, and your participation will “help model a community process to response to this first pandemic in the age of globalization...”. As with anything involving bureaucracy and politics, wheels move slow. Expect results of this unprecedented workshop to be implemented on a very slow track, to the tune of perhaps the arrival of the second wave of the pandemic.  Unless, of course, you reside within the bubble of blue-toned images.  

If your good fortune and good luck has guaranteed you a lucky spot in Chicago, and you are one of the public health and emergency management reps, law enforcement, educators, and other planning partners, you’ll witness first hand how to “consider the process of school closure and how school closure would affect their organizations and communities.” This is only one of the many “hands-on” topics that your round-trip flight will assure your participation in. Don’t forget to enroll.

Some of the topics that should be covered at any pig party include dealing with media, school dismissal, overcoming the fear of returning to class (there’s that four letter f word again), grief counseling, academic support (none for you jocks, or jockettes - go take a shower), surveillance systems, hallway restrictions, social distancing, the proper way to release information and my personal favorite, the index of suspicion. This “unprecedented” national swine flu workshop is no exception to any expectations you should have for your neighborhood pig party. Of course, because it’s national, and it’s unprecedented, all of the above mentioned topics and many more will actually include real live “role-playing.”

Forgive me if forgot to mention a certain vested interest that a certain former secretary of defense has in a certain pharmaceutical company, to tune of millions and millions and millions of good old American greenbacks.

One can only hold ones breath in anticipation of the elephant or jackass pandemic.