Admittedly, I’m a little behind the times. I just caught wind of this global warming phenomenon very recently and I have to say that I was very concerned. Initially, I thought that the size of a person’s “carbon footprint” had a direct correlation to the size of their “carbon penis”, but evidently this is not the case.

Having a large “carbon footprint” is a bad thing and we should all do what we can to reduce it. I’ve been looking into how to do just that and it seems that these so-called “green enthusiasts” are making “green living” a lot more complicated than it has to be. So here’s a list of 10 simple things that even the laziest American can do to help the environment:

1) Turn the lights off when you poop.
You know where the toilet paper is, you know where your ass is, so there’s no point in having the lights on. Plus, there’s nothing down there you haven’t seen already.

2) Call into work. So-called “environmental experts” suggest that people carpool or take public transportation to work, but they’ve forgotten about the most simple and effective option: not going. You have sick days. Use them! This sounds silly, but most people finish the year with leftover sick days. What, are you fucking nuts?! If your boss is willing to pay you to stay at home and sit on your ass, take advantage of it— if not for yourself, for Mother Earth.

3) Food now. You don’t have to wait for that microwavable burrito to finish cooking. It still tastes good when it’s frozen in the middle. Cutting that extra minute of microwave time will go a long way in reducing your carbon footprint.

4) Shoplift. If you pay for it, they’ll give you a receipt. Receipts are a big waste of paper and should be avoided at all costs.

5) Steal thy neighbor’s cable. If you do it the honest way and sign up for legitimate cable , they will send out an installer in a big truck (not fuel-efficient).

6) Scumify (not a real word). 
”Cleanliness is next to Godliness.” I don’t know who coined that phrase (probably some weird-ass nun), but it ain’t true. Cleaning, in all its forms, requires hot water. Hot water requires a hot water heater (big energy waster). Put off cleaning for as long as you can. A bottle of 409 should last you about five years. It may sound difficult, but don’t worry, you can do it. You just have to up your filth tolerance.

7) Litter.
You may think that throwing trash in a trashcan is the socially responsible thing to do. I can assure you this is not the case. If you throw something in the trash, it will eventually be hauled off to a dump in a huge garbage truck, which wastes all kinds of time and energy. It’s far better to leave your trash on the ground and let nature take its course.

8) Lose the bumper sticker. They add weight to your car and reduce gas mileage. Besides no one cares if your kid is an honor student. Honor students are dorks.

9) Sleep all day. You’ll save tons of electricity by not running the lights. Also, when you’re sleeping you’re breathing slower, which means you’ll be taking in less oxygen and expelling less carbon dioxide.

10) Die. Dying is far and away the best thing you can do for Mother Earth. When you’re dead, you will reduce your carbon footprint to near zero. I’m not suggesting that you kill yourself. I’m simply asking that you not do anything that might prolong your life, like eating healthy or exercising.