A Letter to Depression

Hey You,

No need to be formal here. We've known each other for quite some time now. It's been a while since I've seen you. But I know you're there...lurking somewhere in the deeper reaches of my psyche. I can remember you being around since I was a child. You were like a grey cloud that ensconced my little world. No one invited you. I just opened the door to my thoughts one day and there you were, sitting in the living room of my spirit....sullen and somber. Things haven't been the same ever since. Once I took you as my companion, life never looked quite right again.

You know....I wonder how it is that you managed to suck the life out of everything? I can remember being surrounded by my family and feeling utterly alone and empty. How could I be amongst the joy and happiness of people who loved me and not really feel it? How did you manage to leave me feeling afraid and incapable....guilty even? Carrying the burden of a world that I had yet even to understand. What did you get out of it?

Anyway....wait a minute. Let me not get carried away here. I can't blame this all on you right? I mean, I didn't know you well back then. We were just getting started, and I was young and easily influenced. I mean, I didn't know your M.O. However, I still feel the need to discuss the past. Who would I be without it after all?

You almost convinced me it wasn't worth it you know. Carrying on like this? Yeah, it's been hard. Remember that afternoon you suggested I swallow all those pills? I'm sure you're chuckling as you read this...yeah it was a real hoot wasn't it? Me in the hospital hallucinating. You waiting patiently, just a little disappointed. I was 15 years old you jerk!

Whatever. We carried on right? You know, you were there. I thought I had kicked you out. I graduated high school, met someone, had a kid. Things weren't perfect but they were okay, you know, humming along. I even had a job. Well, guess who comes to dinner? RIGHT! No one ever called you stupid now did they. But this time you brought your cheesy, little girlfriend...what was her name? OH Yeah...that's right, Anxiety. You guys made quite the house guests, quite the little team. Always telling me what I couldn't do, what I couldn't handle, what I wasn't capable of. You told me that work was too stressful. I'd never get my promotion. I'd never make enough money to get my head above water. Your boyfriend is not doing a good job with the baby. Why was I even trying?

I called the sheriff of the mind so to speak....you know, the psychiatrist? Yeah, she put an eviction notice on your ass, and when you refused to move she sent out her boys in the form of these little pills. You thought that was a riot! You and Anxiety broke up for a while, but you....you just sat there like a lump. I guess the pills made me too tired too care. All I could do was sleep all day, while you filled my dreams with disturbing images and my waking hours with little hope or motivation. Eventually you got your wish and I even quit my job. I guess you wanted me available full time.

Then came the honeymoon years. We made a truce of sorts. We spent most of our hours talking and idling away the time in bed. Searching for the roots of our despair. I owned your misery as my own. We blamed the world for our problems and said we were better off without them. I even sacrificed my child for you, letting her father carry most of the burden of her care. I know you loved me for that. I cried your tears and sorrowed for the world. Then the father of my child died, seeming to further justify the reason for your being.

Like I was trying to say earlier, I guess I can't really be mad at you. You may have dropped in uninvited, but after a while I started making the bed and leaving fresh towels for you in the guest room. However, I've learned how to accommodate you better over the years. I can't let you get too comfortable. There will be no mint on your pillow. You've dropped in on me, off and on through out the years, and I don't expect that to stop. Hell, I'm not even going to try to stop you anymore. But when you do come by, whispering insidiously and destructively to me, I don't have to listen. You see, I've grown to understand that, the more I indulge you, the stronger and more all consuming you become. You like it when I shut down because that is when you get all my attention.

I won't lie to you either, there is a certain twisted, addictive force about you. Most wont admit it, but you hurt good in a strange way. Like the relief of being sick because you get to miss school. Or the convoluded patterns of an abusive husband and a loyal, battered wife.

But now that I've got your attention, read this: I WON'T hide from the world. I WILL NOT ignore my daughter. Life IS NOT going to pass me by. The answers DON'T lie in analyzing you. So you stop on by if you want to, but understand this; you'll be the one lying down. You'll be the one hiding in fear and shame of a job left undone. This is MY house and I make the rules.

Yours Truly,

me