A Life's Ambition (or Lack Thereof)
58I’m not very good at life. I have very little ambition, no desire for success or wealth, and don’t really care to be famous. I don’t need much stuff, I don’t care to pursue a career (just work the odd job that helps me get by), and I often appear simply lazy and unmotivated. I don’t even care about academic success or getting a college degree. None of these are particularly bad or evil things, but I just don’t care. I hope I am not simply apathetic, but I’ve never been particularly motivated in any of these directions. When I was little people would ask me what I wanted to be when I grew up and I never knew. The idea of choosing a career path was incredibly intimidating to me, even at 11 years of age.
And now I know what I want to do, just not how it fits into the reality of what life is. I want to be a lover, someone who enters into relationship with people without any intention of getting something from them, but in order to pour love into their lives (especially those who are starved for love, real love). Rather a vague life’s ambition, and one that does not predict how much money, success, or fame I will have; it doesn’t even tell me whether I will be able to put food on the table or not. But it is very hard for me to think of my future without trying to figure out what my “career” will be.
For some reason it is so ingrained in us that we need to have one profession, one calling, one life’s work, and I wonder if perhaps I am not called to one profession but to whatever profession puts me in the place to love the people who need my love. Perhaps I am not called just to be a writer, but at some point in my life to also be a cashier, a waitress, a salesperson, a clerk, a cook, and perhaps even a wife and mother for some part of my life. Perhaps it is not about being open to one calling but about choosing the calling of love and being open to whatever calling will best fulfill that first calling. Perhaps being open to a new calling is as important, or even more important, than hearing a “calling” to a particular field. Perhaps we don’t give enough importance to the idea of change or the idea that God might not want us in one place or doing one thing for the rest of our lives.
But none of these hypothetical and abstract ideas really answer my question; perhaps they just compound its relevance. So I know I need to be open to God changing my calling, my place, where I am and what I am doing in life. So what? Does that answer my question of where he wants me, what I should be doing right now? No. Not really. It only opens up the door for change, it doesn’t bring change in.
I don’t know what the next practical step is. I don’t even know if there is a practical step. But I am going to go spend some time with God to try to figure that one out. And maybe, someday, I will get a glimpse of the future and I will be able to change.
Peace.
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Comments
Thanks for your encouragement, Christine. This is something I'm still wrestling with, as most ministry would really be a challenge because of my religious upbringing, my reserved personality, and my doubts and fears. But those are things we all have to get over, I suppose.
I will certainly talk with God about it and see what He has to say.
I love the new picture Patience - the last one looked like you were having fun but one had to look really hard because it was difficult to see!
Full time ministry may come later in life...once you've overcome the fears and doubts, grown some more. I know there are some single women who serve in the missions field...yet I bet there is a man who is part of God's plan for you. Hints of full time ministry may not be revealed until after God shows you who he is -someone who also loves the Lord and loves people. Perhaps sometime after you enter into marriage, a calling into full time ministry and opportunity will become clear...time will tell.
I didn't realize you had a reserved personality....people who are reserved tend to be good listeners, observers and slower to speak which is often wise. Although I am one who suffered a lot in my past from "foot in mouth" syndrome, to date, I'm also someone who thinks of good answers late...not as quick and witty as I'd like or as others whom I admire. At times, I've beat myself up for not having "the right response" in "the right time" yet sometimes I'm sure it's not always "missed opportunities" but how it was supposed to be.
Your desire to love others is something God will honor and this is pleasing to Him....again simpler is better. If you work waiting tables, it will cause you to become a bit more assertive in contrast to reserved. Wherever you work, there are ways you can minister to those you encounter through the workplace....if you become aware of a need you can help with in a tangible way, or a need that you only feel led to pray about in your prayer closet, you are actively involved in ministry. Encouraging someone, giving wise advise - ministry again. I'm sure you already minister a lot, and perhaps haven't even realized it. I know you have younger siblings you help with...you are doing ministry. As we mature and grow, sometimes the types of minstry we put our energy into may change....we all have seasons where we are a part of different things and it's ok when there is a "shift" because God's leading is to do something different.
So do you consider yourself religious or spiritual? I know Christianity is a religion but there are religous people and then there are people who are about relationship and more spiritual....I consider myself the latter.
I'll be interested to hear what God has to say to you about it all - if you feel inclined to share.
Praying Blessings for you in the upcoming year!
Hi Patience,
When I read your first paragraph, I felt as though I had written it!
What is the purpose of our life if we are not motivated by those things that motivates most others? I believe it is spirituality.
Please check this article:
http://www.helium.com/items/1398212-finding-your-p
CVR
christinekv says:
12 months ago
Merry Christmas Patience!
I so love your honesty, simplicity and desire to pour love into others.
All the types of work you mentioned, I have worked doing them all at some point or another (Mother, Realtor, Waitress, Cook, Retail clerk at the Mens Dept at JUC Pennys...Cashiering has been something I've had to do in the restaurant business too).
As I'm sure you know, we are not defined by what type of work we do but by our character. I think it is so evident you are called to full time ministry (and all Christians are actually supposed to be prepared to minister but not everyone really has this desire). May I suggest applying for any and all positions which appeal to you (in addition to writing) and leave it to God as to where He will place you. I bet w/ Him knowing the desires of your heart, you will be hired where there are others who need the agape love you desire to give, as well as presenting situations/challenges which will help you grow in the areas He deems appropriate at this point and time in your life.
Keep us posted!