The Top 10 Signs You're A Bad Cook:

• Your family automatically heads for the table every time they
  hear a fire siren
• Your kids know what "peas porridge in a pot nine days old"
  tastes like.
• Your son goes outside to make mud pies, the rest of the family
  grabs forks and follows him.
• Your kids favorite drink is Alka-Seltzer.
• You have to buy 25 pounds of dog food twice a week for your toy
  poodle.
• Your kids got even with the neighborhood bully by inviting him
  over for dinner.
• Your kids got suspended from school for trying to smuggle toxic
  waste in their lunch bags.
• Your husband refers to the smoke detector as the oven timer.
• No matter what you do to it, the gravy still turns bright purple.
• You burned the house down trying to make jelly.

The Top 10 Pickup Lines Used By Chefs:

• "Your eyes are like limpid pools of chicken stock."
• "I know we've just met, but will you marinade me?"
• "Cumin here often?"
• "How do you like your eggs? Poached, scrambled, or fertilized?"
• "Care to come back to my place and kick it up a notch?"
• "Hey, weren't you in my 'Introduction to Melons' class?"
• "We've now simmered for the recommended 25 minutes - time to
  come to a full boil!"
• "You're twice as sweet as a creme brulee - and less drippy."
• "Get the buttah."
• "Uh, yeah ... I invented Spaghetti-O's"

The Top 10 Alternative Ways To Order Pizza:

• If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering, ask the person taking the order to stop doing that.
• Get taker's name, later, call exactly on the hour to say, "This is your (time of day) wake-up call." then hang up.
• Make up a charge card name, ask if they accept it.
• Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal.
• Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation."
• Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they called you.
• Tell the order taker you're depressed, get him or her to cheer you up.
• Make a list of exotic cuisines, order them as toppings.
• Have your pizza "shaken, not stirred."
• Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and you're going with the lowest bidder.

Food Spoilage Table

THE GAG TEST: Anything that makes you gag is spoiled (except for leftovers from what you cooked for yourself last night).

EGGS: When something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the egg is probably past its prime.

MEAT: If opening the refrigerator door causes stray animals from a three-block radius to congregate outside your house, the meat is spoiled.

CANNED GOODS: Any canned goods that have become the size or shape of a basketball should be disposed of, carefully.

WINE: It should not taste like salad dressing.

POTATOES: Fresh potatoes do not have roots, branches, or dense, leafy undergrowth.

Dairy Products: Milk is spoiled when it looks like yogurt. Yogurt is spoiled when it starts to look like cottage cheese. Cottage cheese is spoiled when it starts to look like regular cheese. Regular cheese is nothing but spoiled milk anyway and can't get any more spoiled than it already is.

Mayonnaise: If it makes you violently ill after you eat it, mayonnaise is spoiled.

Frozen Foods: Frozen foods that have become an integral part of the defrosting program in your freezer compartment will probably be spoiled..or wrecked, anyway..by the time you pry them out with a kitchen knife.

GENERAL RULE OF THUMB: Most food cannot be kept longer than the average life span
of a hamster. Keep a hamster in your refrigerator to gauge this.

The answers contained here will not make you rich. Nor will they assist you in your pursuit of fame, fortune, or happiness. They won't help you get attractive dates, stop you from going bald, show you how to make a million from real estate you don't own, or tell you how to give your seventy-three-year-old skin a youthful glow. These are answers for you to use at your discretion in everyday circumstances. They are about relationships, belief systems, romance (or lack thereof), and ultimately death. These are answers of all pedigrees, short and long, good and bad, polite and rude, covering every subject in the everyday language of everyday people. The only things missing are the questions.

• Trust me. I do this all the time.
• I'm just not ready to make a commitment
• No.
• NO!
• No, there's nothing wrong with my pancreas. Why do you ask?
• Unleaded.
• If I HAD three pennies, I would have given them to you.
• I could tell you, but then I'd have to kill you.
• I have a high metabolism.
• Forty-Two, maybe fifty.
• I was absent that day.
• But if I tie it looser, that'll defeat the purpose.
• I'm not authorized to release that information.
• If the Clorox doesn't get it, try a mixture of lemon juice and Mauriac acid.
• Define love.
• You'll break your mother's heart.
• I had it done when I was in boot camp.
• When hell freezes over.
• Because the world would be a lot better off it things were done my way all the time.
• I mailed it yesterday. It should be there by the end of the week.
• I ran out of stamps.
• No, honestly. I can't taste the freezer burn.
• To make as much money as humanly possible as quickly as possible while expending the least amount of effort.

If Men Wrote The Rules:

• Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after seven days.
• If you don't want to dress like Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
• If we say something that can be interpreted in two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other way.
• It is in neither your best interest or ours to make us take those stupid Cosmo quizzes together.
• Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women how can we know how pretty you are?
• Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
• You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done - not both.
• Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
• Christopher Columbus didn't need directions and neither do we.
• Women who wear Wonder bras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
• When we're turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the off ramp, you saying "This is our exit" is not necessary.
• Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived

You know you're getting old when:

• You're still chasing women but can't remember why.
• You regret all those mistakes resisting temptation.
• You burn the midnight oil at 9 P. M.
• Your favorite part of the newspaper is "25 years ago today."
• You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
• You know all the answers but nobody asks you the questions.
• The best part of your day is over when the alarm clock goes off.
• Everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt doesn't work.
• The gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your bifocals.
• A dripping faucet causes an uncontrollable bladder urge.
• Your knees buckle but your belt won't.
• The little gray-haired person you help across the street is your spouse.
• You look forward to a dull evening.
• You sink your teeth into a steak, and they stay there.
• You have too much room in the house and not enough in the medicine cabinet.
• You get your exercise acting as pallbearer for your friends who exercise.
• Your pacemaker makes the garage door go up when you watch a pretty girl.
• You get winded playing chess.
• Dialing a long-distance call wears you out.
• You walk with your head held high trying to get used to your bifocals.
• Your little black book contains names all ending in "M. D."
• You feel like the night before, and you haven't been anywhere.
• Your mind makes contracts that your body can't meet.
• Your children begin to look middle-aged.
• You begin to outlive enthusiasm.
• You just can't stand people who are intolerant.
• You decide to procrastinate but never get around to it.
• After painting the town red, you have to wait a long time before applying the second coat.
• You finally reach the top of the ladder and find it leaning against the wrong wall.
• You stop looking forward to your next birthday.
• You are 17 around the neck, 44 around the waist and 98 around the golf course.