Living beside rural railroad tracks near Keyser, West Virginia, sat an old man among extraordinarily large vegetable greens. My car had broken down, and I spotted him sitting on an old wooden chair, in a carefully tended backyard garden. Hiking over the highway and out into the field to him, in hopes that he'd have a phone I could use to call the local tow company (cell phones don't work in the mountain regions still using tower to tower) -- I couldn't help but notice, this was no ordinary edible family garden.

Well, Elvis had no phone, but he quickly assured me that his friend would soon be coming down that dirt road, and that he could take me up to the local grill to use the pay phone. After making sure that I wasn't going to be sitting on what he referred to as his "family," I was directed to park myself in the middle of his "feast for the eyes."

Staring up from my grounded perch at this strange old coot, it was about then that I realized we weren't sitting outside the garden, but smack dab in the middle of it. Preoccupied with my auto woes, I wasn't really focused intently on what he was babbling on about. He kept talking about how his family feeds him, and I remember thinking "That's nice, since his house looked like it was about to fall down from disrepair. Maybe they ought to do a little more than feed you."

It wasn't very long before my inattention was riveted to his monologue about his problem children and his neglected children. His chattering wasn't making sense to me. I was fairly certain he had no small children underfoot, as he was well into his seventies. My thought process immediately went to:

"Oh great! The car's in the middle of the road, in the middle of nowhere. I'm out in a vegetable garden with a nut case, who probably has me waiting for a "friend" that only exists in his imagination to take me back into town."

Having known more than my fair share of crazies, I knew now, that it was upon me to decipher the depth of reality I was dealing with.

"So, Elvis, how old are your children, and why are they problem children?"

Looking at me like I'd suddenly grown two heads, he gave me a new riddle to unravel.

"It ain't about their age. They are running out of time, and they ain't growed enough for me to sell them," Elvis volunteered, just as a big old boat of a car lumbered into view.

"That'll be Tex . . . . Don't you worry, we'll get you to the Stray Cat, so's you can call someone to fetch you. We got to hurry, because Tex and me have garden planning business to take care of."

Ok. I admit it, I'm a little dense sometimes. From the moment I met Elvis, he was clearly talking about gardening "his way." My own grandmother used to talk to her plants, so I should have picked up on that not so subtle first hint, when I was asked not to sit on his children.

In a Cadillac nearly as ancient as Tex (who was even older than Elvis) back to Keyser we went, at a snails pace, exceeding maybe ten miles per hour. It did not escape me that diminutive Tex was sitting on phone books to see over the steering wheel. Only his western hat, adorned in every spot available with patriotic stick pins, made him grown up sized. He was at least in his eighties.

Riding in the back seat with me, were carrots, kale, spinach, and a couple of crates of other assorted vegetables. Also, in the back seat was an assortment of spiders and other hitchhikers, sharing my space on that slow West Virginia stroll down the road.

"I've brought some of my children for dinner, mind you -- you show them off in something fine," Elvis bellowed as he walked in the door ahead of us. "You are gonna have to pay me or put our dinner on my tab, as we've got company," he added grinning and pointing to me.

That day I enjoyed lunch, while waiting on the tow truck. Elvis and Tex, drew garden plans all over the napkins, with a borrowed pen. Erroneously, they assumed I didn't know anything about gardening, and shared some unique perspectives on how to grow money.

The two of them were very comical, as they argued back and forth over where to put problem garden children, and how close is too close when you want the (garden) plot to be thickened (helps keep out weeds and makes for less work). In time I would learn that the topic of "a thicker plot," was an argument that neither would ever agree upon.

Over the next few years, I would learn all about Elivs' children, and his lazy man's way of gardening. He believed in putting in minimal work, minimal expense, and reaping huge rewards, not only on his dinner table -- but also in his wallet. He turned out not be just another crazy old man, but a clever fox who knew how to live solely by his wits, largely thanks in part to his "children."

Pull weeds wet. Hoe weeds dry.

The first part is common mountain man sense, when you think about it. Right after a rain, when it's still wet, weeds come out of the ground a whole lot easier.

The second part of that adage is a little more complex. If you use the hoe, instead of your back when it's just rained -- you'll be mostly cutting off the tops of the weeds, and encouraging them to sprout up again in the same place, or near by. The same thing applies to hoeing weeds in the early summer. If you must "hoe" weeds, wait until they are starting to go to seed, when they are vulnerable and energy drained.

Don't use hay or straw as mulch in a vegetable garden, save it for growing potatoes in.

Hay and straw only encourage weeds to grow better. Conversely, hay and straw make ideal "containers" for growing potatoes of all sorts.

Throw rusted metal in your soil if your soil lacks iron.

Now, I'm not keen on this method of adding iron to soil, but he swore by it anytime he saw yellow leaves (indicates that soil is lacking iron). His garden had rusted tools, hardware, and a lot of old railroad spikes and nails worked down into the soil. Personally, I'm thinking that's a prescription for cutting oneself on a rusty metal, and a trip to the emergency room (especially if you haven't had a tetanus shot lately).

Make your vegetable garden people friendly.

Elvis hated mosquitoes and biting flies. He companion planted flowers and plants with strong scents to repel them. One staple of his garden was Lemon Balm.

Others found in his garden were:

• Coreopsis
• Coriander
• Cosmos
• Geraniums
• Chrysanthemums
• Marigolds
• Marjoram
• Oregano

Elvis had what he called "good children" and then there were the "problem children."

The good children in his garden were:

• Peas and beans, because they added needed nitrogen back to other plants.
• Sunflowers, who cleaned bad soil.
• Onions and garlic, because they thwarted insects and wildlife from nibbling on companion plants. Note: He always planted them among his cabbage, tomatoes, peas, and corn.
• Herbs, because they keep insects away from most plants.

Elvis' bad garden children were:

• Potatoes who don't like to be near runner beans, cukes, pumpkins, herbs, raspberries, squash, sunflowers, or tomatoes
• Beets who hate being close to beans
• Strawberries who can't stand to be near cabbage
• Dill won't tolerate carrots being near them
  

Elvis was a man who denied that he was lazy, just liked to "conserve his energy for important stuff," when others commented on his ways. I've seldom met anyone who made a career out of getting out of work, but he clearly put a lot of effort into making this a life-style.

Elvis was a firm believer in planting vegetable crops in the least amount of space necessary for good growth. He had a very good sense of how large each specific plant would get, and would plant them far closer than books or seed packets advised. He claimed he did this because it took a lot of extra work to keep weeds out, if they were spaced too far apart.

His buddy, Tex, was a by-the-book kinda guy who would not bend the gardening rules. Other rules, well, that was different. It was years later, that either of them ever let on that Tex didn't have a drivers license when he was chauffeuring us back to Keyser on that first day I met the pair of them. That was apparently a good laugh for them, as we'd passed a local cop, and they both grinned and waved.

Upon learning that, I got the feeling that there were also many gardening secrets Elvis and Tex didn't share with me, or others.

Elvis expected his garden to provide him with food and income, pretty much all year round. That wasn't always possible in the snowy and cold mountain winters, but you'd be surprised at his creativity.

He knew just about every place in the region to find fruits, nuts, and edible food regardless of season. This crafty old man wasn't the least bit shy about asking for anything growing on land neglected by others, whether he knew the owners or not.

For example: It didn't take him long to figure out that we had a stand of walnut trees on our farm that we weren't making the best use of. When he showed up with a few friends and burlap bags, asking me if they could get walnuts -- I never dreamed they were selling the nut meats, and planting walnut trees to sell the next year.  I thought they just wanted some for baking.

His own garden was planned down to the minute detail of staggering harvest times, to ensure that he had plants cropping over the longest possible time period.  He knew how to grow money.

Espalier grown fruit trees are ideal for small lots or backyard gardens. Not only are they highly productive, but they are also very attractive over time. They produce masses of fruit in very limited spaces.

Additionally, to being a beautiful ornamental garden feature -- the splayed espalier form allows air to circulate freely around your fruits. This helps them to develop faster and better, while keeping them disease free.

This old time 16^th century gardening technique is ideal for northern climates and is often combined with growing trees flat against a wall or a fence. In this manner the walls radiate heat and shelter from icy winds during colder months.

This kind of fruit tree gardening can produce up to sixty pounds of fruit just from one tree. It’s very well adapted to apples, pears, peaches, and pomegranates. Now, some people think espalier's are hard to do, I don't see that. I found them very easy and very rewarding both in attractiveness and ease.

A parterre is one of the prettiest and most useful ways to grow herbs and other low growing vegetable plants, mixed with companion flowers, in a formal layout in the garden.

There is a lot of merit in keeping your herbs grown and lettuces in one place for easy harvest.

• Grow the most expensive stuff they are selling in the local grocery stores to sell to others.
• Don’t buy too much seed, and swap seed if you can.
• Use your mind, not your wallet for gardening stuff. You can get free mulch from the landfill in most states.
• You can get free compost from community sanitation companies.
• Make good garden friends.  You know, the kind of friends who own pick up trucks, trailers.  Then, share your garden with them and fill their gas tank when they help you out.
• Get to know the local garden center managers real well. Sometimes, they’ll even give you plants they are getting ready to throw out and tip you off on upcoming sales.
• Don’t buy when you can swap with gardening buddies.
• Do stuff yourself, don’t pay others to do it for you.
• Go native, grow what grows in your state naturally.
• Turn trash into garden art and useful stuff.
• Baby tender plants, even bringing them in the house if an unexpected cold snap is pending.
• Get your soil tested -- it’s free other than the postage, or your gas to the local county ag extension center.
• Don’t get heavy handed with fertilizer.
• Don’t buy or get plants unless you can plant them right away.