Here it is, what you've all been waiting for! You now have a reference, a field guide if you will, for determining the different species found within the genus known as "White Trash" and tips on how to handle confrontations with specific species. Much like there are many different sorts of canines (those are dogs), there are many different sorts of White Trash. They have many things in common, such as mobile living units, obsolete mullet hairstyles, and threadbare screen-printed clothing, but each species of White Trash has its own unique characteristics that bring its members together to inspire pride in the lifestyle.

The Tailgator species is probably on the highest rung of the White Trash ladder. This particular group of white trash is just out to have fun, and you can usually find them at country music concerts, football games, and NASCAR events. When you spot a Tailgator, note the recognizable uniform usually complete with some sort of colorful sporting jersey, flip-flop footwear, and a helmet equipped with beer cans and straws that connect said cans to the Tailgator's oral orifice. Unfortunately, the helmet offers little protection from drunken brawls and inebriated stumbling about. Although a fun loving crowd, Tailgators can become aggressive at the drop of a hat, especially when derogatory comments are made concerning a specific sport or team. If confronted by a Tailgator, try to talk your way out of a bad situation. An offering of the brewed persuasion would certainly help rectify the matter.

The Porch Ornament species of White Trash is often found in backwoods areas, especially down on the bayou. Unlike most other groups, the Porch Ornaments usually reside in dilapidated cabins with attached porches rather than in mobile homes. Bibbed overalls without an undershirt are characteristic of the species, as well as missing teeth and unkempt hair. A Porch Ornament's accessories are tell-tale signs of the breed. These accessories include, folding or rocking chairs, shot guns, chewing tobacco, fluorescent bug zapping lights, a pocket knife for whittling, and possibly a packet of cigarettes. Porch ornaments are incredibly territorial, so if you happen to meander into their habitat, point with you finger and yell, "Oh my gosh, there's a rabid raccoon!" and run as fast as your swamp boots will carry you in the opposite direction.

Probably the most recognizable female of the genus, the Crack Whore usually boasts distinctive plumage in the form of thin and frizzy bleached blonde hair with dark greasy roots and a deeply tanned emaciated figure. Other notable signs of this species are sores around the mouth from free-basing illegal drugs, bold and bright cosmetics (if any), a diapered baby attached to her bony hip, and clothing in various stages of disrepair.

If you ever encounter a Crack Whore, you needn't feel threatened unless she has a drunken lover nearby (which is highly likely since they often resort to prostitution to support their White Trash lifestyle). Just leave some cash and run in a zigzag pattern as you exit the trailer park or truck stop.

Now here's a real winner. The Felon species of White Trash is a force to be reckoned with. You can usually spot one on the street or in a mobile home park because of the suggestive markings known as homemade (or prison) tattoos. In fact, The Felon can be considered a walking billboard of imaginary gang symbols and rebel regalia. Although highly fertile, The Felon has been taken off of the street and consequently out of the gene pool for an amount of time. This interruption of The Felon's natural breeding cycle has possibly even forced The Felon to pursue other means of gratification (homosexually or self-inflicted). Beware of The Felon! Always assume that he is violating parole in some manner, whether it be carrying a concealed weapon or tweakin' on illegal drugs. Unfortunately, there is no sure-fire way to thwart the aggressive tendencies of The Felon, so steer clear!

Although it is intended to conceal the location of the wearer, camouflage makes The Hunter species of White Trash stand out like a sore thumb. The Hunter can be either male or female, and the color pattern of the camouflage will help you determine the gender (pink camouflage pattern vs. blue or green). Sometimes the degree camouflage will extend only so far as the under garments, but the degrees graduate from there to include pants, shorts, shirts, jackets, hats, socks, and even sunglasses. The Hunter's camo will almost always be accompanied by heavy boots. Although the name implies a commanding personality, The Hunter is usually very skittish and flees at the sight or sound of a bear, wolf, moose, or baby marmot. The tactic for handling a confrontation with The Hunter is similar to that of the Porch Ornament, only, you have to yell something like, "Hey, look! It's Bambi's mom...Get her!" and run in the opposite direction. Don't worry, he won't chase you. The Hunter thinks he's good at tracking game, but he's not.

The Belly Roll type of White Trash is mostly found in the female version, but afflicts the males as well. Like the other species, The Belly Roll is easy to spot. It's one of those odd situations. When you see one you do don't want to look, but can't help it. As the name implies, this version of White Trash is burdened by excessive amounts of belly fat. There are no articles of clothing in the White Trash wardrobe to control it, so the rolls of fat tend to hang out over weathered low-rider jeans, bikini bottoms, or stained gym shorts. In really extreme cases, The Belly Roll will try to wear a tight tube top in public, but those with the gift of sight will think it a curse when they see the nauseating display of jiggly flesh. Unfortunately, Belly Rolls are often seen at the grocery store, causing you to halt all food shopping activity and run to the nearest treadmill to keep it from contaminating you. Belly Rolls can be incredibly hostile, especially at buffets. Just try not to stare or compete for fried food.

This ostentatious breed of White Trash can be extremely belligerent because of the raging hormones of adolescence. Although they usually don't graduate, The Rebels can be found in High School parking lots revving the engines of their unreasonably tall "small penis" trucks. The vehicles often boast different colors of primer and are endowed with protrusive mud tires. These vehicles, however, are never seen off-road because The Rebels tend to limit their travel to cruising up and down Main Street with loud country music blaring from the stock FM radio. The distinguishing characteristic of The Rebel is the brand called "The Confederate Flag". Although most of them have never been outside the county, The Rebels tend to adhere to the political beliefs and customs of the Deep South. Some wave an actual "rebel flag" in the bed of their pick-up, some stick a decal rendition of the flag on their back windows, and some simply wear clothing and accessories that depict the rebel symbol. If confronted by a Rebel, simply remember that he is just an acne-prone teenager whose balls haven't even dropped yet and walk away. Or, you can try to tell him an easy joke to ease the tension and flee as he spends hours trying to figure out the punch line.

Seeing one of these White Trash mothers will make you sick with rage. As the name implies, an Inebriated Mom-To-Be can be detected by her pregnant belly and a beer in her hand. Although not a threat to anyone around her, she is destroying the unborn life inside of her. If you ever confront one of these bottom-dwelling specimens of White Trash, feel free to give her a dirty look. There's nothing more to say about that.

This is one of the more comical specimens of the White Trash genus. The Boob Job is easy to spot with her large, noticeably fake breasts and her toothless smile. Interestingly enough, The Boob Job will starve herself and neglect her dental hygiene in order to be able to afford repeated breast enlargement surgeries. Boob Jobs tend to find employment in the customer service industry in establishments like restaurants, nightclubs, adult entertainment bars. The "high class" Boob Jobs can easily find part-time employment at boxing fights and other sporting events. Unfortunately, Boob Jobs don't stay youthful forever and their occupational performance starts to sag over time. As age takes ahold of them, Boob Jobs often have to resort to the same money-making methods as the aforementioned Crack Whore species. Placing a dollar bill in the undergarments of a Boob Job will settle any disputes that may arise. So, keep some $1's on you in case you happen to come across one.

Toothless Wonders are often found in seedy bars and strip clubs. Toothless Wonders can, in fact, be considered a subspecies of either The Felon of The Redneck Inventor because these sorts of White Trash males engage in behaviors that are conducive to tooth loss. You see, Felons often participate in drunken brawls and Redneck Inventors get banged-up from test driving/flying/floating their mechanical creations. It should also be noted, though, that any other White Trash species can fall into the Toothless Wonder category. Toothless Wonders, like Boob Jobs, often neglect their dental health and do nothing to rectify the situation in the form of dentures, implants, or other prosthetics. You needn't fear the Toothless Wonder. Once a White Trash specimen has fallen into these ranks, he/she has become noticeably less aggressive and violent.

The Black Eye is one of the most common species of White Trash. Black Eyes can be either male or female, but their attitudes toward their appearance differ. The male versions of The Black Eye tend to flaunt their appearance and think they are incredibly attractive. The cocky males like to converse about their violent behavior and often resort to lying about the number of fights they have been in to make themselves sound tough. Female Black Eyes are usually very submissive and try their best to stay out of sight. If you happen to notice a female from this species, she will usually try to conceal her appearance with cosmetics or imagine false scenarios in an attempt to explain why she looks the way she does. These females are similar to the Crack Whore species in that they usually have their young in tow or attached to their person. Many mammalian appearances change with the seasons, like a summer or winter coat. The characteristics of The Black Eye are unique because once their coloring fades, they engage in behaviors that ensure the return of the dark bluish-purple decoration around the ocular cavities of the face. Handle an encounter with a Black Eye with care. You probably won't be attacked because the females are submissive and flighty, and the males are all talk.

Like The Tailgator, The Strugglin' Musician is generally a happy-go-lucky breed. Most Strugglin' Musicians are males, but there are some females of the breed out there that have avoided the throws of teenage pregnancy and illegal drug abuse. Stugglin' Musicians are generally very transient, traveling from gig to gig with a guitar in tow. They bum food from bars in which they perform and they sleep wherever they can. Stugglin' Musicians tend to migrate toward metropolitan areas such as Memphis, Nashville, Los Angeles, and New York City in search for the "big break". Once age has gripped The Strugglin' Musician, he/she will settle down in a podunk town and play on street corners or in establishments frequented by other White Trash species. If you ever come across a Strugglin' Musician, just smile and put some change in his/her Dixie cup.

Some Crack Whores and Boob Jobs may fall into this category. Mobile Homemakers are often found in trailer parks, bowling alleys, and Piggly Wiggly store parking lots. They are almost always females, or at least males dressing as females (see Wanna-Be species). Mobile Homemakers are the brood mares of the White Trash genus and they travel wherever the wheels on their trailers take them. They like to collect knickknacks of little value like antique tea cups or figurines. The Mobile Homemaker is the target of many online work-from-home-and-make-millions scams. Alcohol and breaded desert snacks compose the staple diet of a Mobile Homemaker, so be sure to carry a Twinkie with you just in case you find yourself needing to distract a Mobile Homemaker in order to enter a convenience store.

The Redneck Inventor is probably the most creative species of White Trash. They are often featured on hilarious network television shows and their mishaps are broadcasted for our entertainment. Redneck Inventors like to take 2 or more very different enjoyable pastimes and combine them to create one giant fun-machine. Perhaps you have witnessed the test flights of some of these machines. They like to create innovative sporting events, beer powered modes of transportation, lawnmower propelled flying contraptions, and other machines that just look like they're gonna hurt someone. Fear not, Redneck Inventors are usually way too inebriated to start any trouble and they usually end up only hurting themselves (and maybe the cameraman).

The Cut-Off Stylist is one of the most delusional species of White Trash. This is because he thinks that cut-off jeans are attractive and he also tends to think that it is Summer all year long. Female Cut-Off Stylists tend to pull it off better, but there are more males than females out there of this particular species. Cut-Off Stylists are easily spotted by their uneven cut-off jean shorts and their outrageous bleached blonde mullet-style haircuts. Both males and females display loose threads and holes in their denim shorts, but the females tend to expose more leg flesh than the males who maintain knee-length cut-offs. Cut-Off Stylists are usually seen at barbeques and horseshoe tournaments with a beer in their hands and cheap gas station sunglasses on their faces. Try not to antagonize this species as both males and females are competitive and aggressive with delusions of grandeur. That's a bad combination!

Lock up your daughters, folks! Probably the most efficient sperm producer of the White Trash genus, The Carni is an extremely procreative character. Although incredibly unattractive and filthy, The Carni is persistent and cannot be discouraged by rejection alone. Somehow, someway, The Carni is able to lure females into a dilapidated hotel room with his musk of cotton candy, stale sweat, and rollercoaster grease. Carnis are easily identified by their threadbare and stained clothing as well as their missing teeth, greasy mullets, backward ball caps, meaningless tattoos, dirty fingernails, and alcoholic breath. Approach The Carni with great trepidation, and if you are a female, be sure that you are up to date on your birth control treatment because even if romantic relations are not achieved, The Carni can seemingly impregnate any ovulating female within a 500 foot radius. Don't worry, the Carni is a lover, not a fighter (but that might be the problem). Just kindly tell an approaching Carni that you are actually a man and saunter away.

The Speed Racer is found in the grand stands at various car racing events. NASCAR races are huge breeding grounds for this species, but smaller local racing venues at county fairgrounds have proven to be adequate as well. Equipped with brightly painted faces, plastic cups of Keystone Light, and large foam hands, Speed Racers are loud and boisterous as they cheer for their favorite racecar drivers. They may seem like a fun-loving species, but Speed Racers are out to start any fight they can whenever they can. So, when surrounded by hordes of Speed Racers, be careful not to spill your beer on any of them, make derogatory remarks about the drivers, or try to hit on a female Speed Racer. Your ass will be handed to you in a timely fashion and there is no way to avoid it.

Probably the most curious of the White Trash species, The Wanna-Be is not even technically White Trash at all. The Wanna-Be only comes out for special events like weddings, costume parties, and Halloween. The Wanna-Be is a normal human being that dons clothing indicative of a White Trash species and usually a fake mullet wig. Armed with fake "Billy Bob" teeth and a beer can, the Wanna-Be is ready to be the life of the party and make a fool out of himself. Approach The Wanna-Be as you would any other normal human being because beneath the disgraceful costume, The Wanna-Be is just like anyone else. Perhaps you have even been a Wanna-Be yourself and now how to handle the situation with one perfectly.

I hope you have found this field reference guide to be useful in determining various species of White Trash and understanding what to do when confronted by them. If any other White Trash species have elluded my research and are not found within the text of this guide, please feel free to let me know :)

Everyone knows this was just a big joke, right? I don't want irate hillbillies knocking down my cyberspace door!

Meet Emma Balmer at www.lacynjordan.com