Thousands of books have been written on marriage. I'll bet if you read all of those books, you won't find any of the tips that I'm going to share with you here.

I do feel blessed to have a great husband. That having been said, it is so true that Rome wasn’t built in a day; neither will the perfect marriage; it takes work, understanding, communicating and a host of other things just to stay together. It isn't always an easy road, and no one gave us a map before we said, "I do."

Here are a few tips that every woman needs to know if she wants her happy marriage to stand the test of time while she remains sane!

1. Teach him to say, “yes, dear.” In the spirit of fair is fair, women must learn to say, “yes, dear,” as well. Smile, nod a lot, then do whatever the flip you want. Also, after the smile and nodding, don’t roll your eyes until you’ve turned your back to walk away. Nothing pisses a guy off like rolling your eyes at his suggestions. Also, don’t use the phrase “As if!” out loud.
2. When he tells you that you’ve, “put a bit of weight on,” you need only smile and let your eyes wander down to his ‘love handles’ without comment; unless he’s a runner or a work-out freak; in that case, you’re screwed. You can always plan a week for yourself at “Golden Door Spa,” where, you can assure him, for $10,000, give or take a thou, you will be sure to slim down.
3. In an effort to keep the peace, do NOT take him shopping at the mall with you. Shopping with a husband is like taking your bowling ball along for a swim! If your husband insists on shopping with you, remind him of the rules before you hit the door of the mall: “Darling, I’m thrilled you’re coming with me today, but remember those things that we don’t say while in the stores? Let’s review.”

Reminders: Things That He is Not allowed to Say at the Mall

A. “You don’t need another pair of shoes; besides, you already have a brown pair.”

B. “You have so many handbags they fall out of your closet when you open the door.”

C. “$500 for that purse? Are you f-----g kidding me? And it’s UGLY!”

D. “You lost your last three pair of sunglasses; why don’t you just buy a pair at the drugstore?”

E. Also, remind him not to comment on any prices in Neiman Marcus, Nordstrom or Saks, and DEFINITELY NOT to say, “bet you could get the same thing cheaper at Walmart.”

4. When you sign up for cable or satellite service, avoid any package that includes The Sci Fi Channel, any channel that carries wrestling, boxing or “Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader Tryouts.” Don’t worry! He’ll get used to watching CSPAN.

5. After 10 years of marriage you may still adore him but you do NOT have to sit with him through TV shows or movies that you HATE. That’s why God made TVs for every room in the house.

6. Never, ever whine to your parents about your marital problems; they will hate him forever, even long after you’ve forgiven him. From the day on that you complain to mommy, she will refer to him as “that assh--e husband of yours…” This is why God made girlfriends to complain to, with whom to go to lunch and drink wine.

7. Pick your battles; leaving his socks on the bedroom floor is not cause for a row. However, using your brand new designer bathroom towels to wash his car with, might be. On that same note, if you’re annoyed about picking up his clothes from the bedroom floor, STOP DOING IT! Eventually he will need clean clothes and he will need to pick up his own clothes. He will get the hang of it, and it will all happen without any argument at all!

8. When he wants to go camping in a tent on your vacation and you want to go to Paris, compromise; then go to Paris.

9. Camping is a useless activity where you will pack up a car-full of stuff from your comfortable home, schlep it all to a campground where a zillion other people will also be camping; and the most annoying family in the campground will set up camp in the site RIGHT NEXT TO YOU! If you like camping, then I certainly support you in your enthusiasm for this activity. I, however, would rather listen to Rosie sing the “Star Spangled Banner” all weekend, than camp.

I have had quite enough of spending the days at a time washing dishes under a spigot, shaking dirt out of my tennies and trying to keep the kids clean while he sits in a lawn chair with a beer commenting on how wonderful it is to be out in the wild. Wild, my ass! I want my microwave and dishwasher and I’m sure I didn’t bring nearly enough bottles of Chardonnay to get through the week! My idea of camping is a condo on the lake. Period.

10. And finally, be careful about being “really good” at things; let me explain. When you are “good” at certain tasks, you will find yourself doing those things, over and over again. So, be careful! If you are good at ironing, for example, you will spend your life ironing. I am terrible at ironing; thus, from the time that we could first afford it, we employed the use of a shirt laundry and a dry cleaner…voila, no ironing!

Of course, I’ve skipped a few really important tips, but these 10 are a good start. Give them a try! (Don’t call me when he threatens to divorce you.) I also take no responsibility for this advice; after all, it is free.