So here we were with a diagnosis and I felt some relief. I was told that the struggle was just beginning because now, we had to discover the right combination of meds that would best benefit Preston. So, we tried the classic rescue drug for this disorder - Ritalin.

He was on the generic equivalent of the med and he began to take them. Getting a four-year-old to swallow a pill is a challenge all in itself. But soon, that was mastered. Preston became a zombie. He stopped eating and would sit there and stare blankly at those children around him playing and having fun. He would sit with his mouth hanging open and literally drool on himself. I had been dropping him off at an in-home day care. I only gave him the meds on the days he went to the day-care so I never really got to see him on the med or the effects because by the time I would pick him up eight-hours later, the med had worn off and he was back to being Preston. I only administered the pill the very first day I had it filled because I did want to see how he reacted to it. The truth was, it didn't seem to have any affect on him but the first reaction to a new drug is not always the permanent reaction. Plus, it takes time to get in to the system. I was unaware of that fact at the time. So I continued to administer the pill every day and then would drop him off within a half-an-hour at day care.

I struggled with the fact that he even needed meds to begin with. I remember crying, thinking that the last thing I ever wanted to do was to drug my four-year-old. I decided not to do it and then decided to do it. I couldn't have him not being able to focus in school or being so noncompliant at day-care that  nobody would take him during the times I went to school. I felt trapped so I did it, in spite of what everyone else thought. Most felt that it was wrong.

One day, I came to pick up my son early because school had ended a few hours earlier than expected. I walked in to the home and the woman whom ran the day-care said, "He's in there with the other kids" pointing to the living room. I stepped slowly through the kitchen to peek at him first without him seeing me. There was a woman sitting on the floor with all the kids, singing and playing the guitar. All of the kids were jumping around, clapping, singing, and having a great time - all except Preston. Preston was sitting there with his legs in an Indian-style position, his mouth open, drooling, with a blank stare on his face, completely oblivious to what was going on around him, despite all of the noise. The woman playing the music then said to my son, "Preston, don't you want to clap honey?" He didn't answer, just stared, as still as a statue.

The tears began to fall and I ran back through the kitchen towards the day-care owner. I began sobbing uncontrollably and felt so much guilt and shame come over me. As I looked up at her, I simply said, "I didn't know. I swear, I didn't know." I felt as though I had let my son down and that I had done him such a great injustice. My heart broke as I went in there and tried to break his semi-unconscious stare. The woman playing the music just stopped for a moment and stared at me and it was as though I could feel her anger burning a hole through my body. It was as if she said, "You're the horrible mother that has done this to him!" I didn't look at her due to the shame I felt. I took Preston in to the room where the coats and shoes were kept and tried not to continue sobbing. The day-care owner quietly said, "I'm sorry, I thought you knew that this was how he was all the time." As I was trying to hurry my son's coat and shoes on, I answered, "No! I said I didn't know. I had no idea. I would have never turned my son in to a zombie!" I began to cry again and walked hurriedly out of her home.

I got in to the car and attemtped to have a conversation with Preston and he was unable to even answer me. He just kept saying, "What?" I cried all the way home and once home, I grabbed him, hugged him tightly and said, "I'm so sorry! Mommy's so sorry baby!" He had been on this mediation for almost two-months and I was too stupid to even monitor its effects all that time. I was furious with myself and I decided that I would rather have my child held back in school again and again, then a child that didn't even know his own name!

I called the doctor and I had a few choice words to say to him. He asked to see Preston and I immediately. I went there and showed Preston to him and the doctor said, "Mrs. Saleh, this is not a typical reaction. Either the dose is too strong, or he is unable to tolerate the generic form of the medication. Don't give up. I told you that this was not going to be easy." For those of you who believe the bull that the generic is the same as the brand name, I am here to tell you that that is truly a lie. I watched it with my own eyes folks. I talked with the doctor a while until he had calmed my fears. I decided to hang in there and cooperate. I did want him to get better and be able to focus. But I was not going to let it cost him his health, nor personality.

An entire year of trial and error passed. It was hard and I questioned myself every step of the way. I would bounce back and forth with my decision. One med would make him weird and make him talk weird and another would make him wet the bed. Another would give him night-tares, and another would make him break out in a rash. He started school and was doing well. The hectic mornings I would totally forget to give the pill, the teacher would always call me and ask me, "Did Preston get his meds today Mrs. Saleh?" It happened maybe three times in a year but those times were enough for the school to demand I pick him up because he was unable to focus and would just disrupt the entire class. Or, I would have to sit in the class and personally attempt to control him until the med kicked in.

As time went on, the pill was wearing off and it was time for an increase. Then, another pill called Adderall was added. The Ritalin (the real Brand type) worked beautifully for my son. But I didn't like the fact that the kid was so thin and had no appetite so I would take him off of all the meds during the summer and try and make the kid gain at least ten pounds. He would ever year. The doctor told me that the new pill, Adderall, would counter-act the appetite suppressive effect of the Ritalin. It didn't work, but Preston was doing okay in school with the combination.

Then, his personality began to change about two-years-later and by this time, he was eight-year-old. He started becoming paranoid about his thinking, other's thinking of him, and began to fear germs. A new diagnosis was given to him called OCD, which is Obsessive-compulsive disorder. I researched and researched regarding both disorders. I was devastated. Why?! Why did my son have to have all stuff wrong with him!? I took him out of the public school and placed him in a private school because the children at the public school had a really hard time accepting him. He was mercilessly teased as kids always do. I went through all that when I was young due to my weight, so I knew how it felt. I wasn't about to let him be bullied and teased every day, fearing others, and hating school as I did.

The private school did him justice. He is on the honor-roll frequently and the classrooms are much smaller. It has been worth the cost. I took him off of the Adderall because I read that for many children, the med was causing sudden death because parents were unaware of existing heart-conditions in their children. Although he was tested for a heart condition and it was clear, and although the med is only dangerous for the children with heart-conditions, I still refuse to continue the med. I have a heart condition I developed in highschool and I will not take the chance with him. I would never ever be able to forgive myself if something would happen.

Ritalin - the real form, has been around for ages. He is on a time released capsule that does him well because he is not bombarded with all of the effect, all at once. Now, he functions normally,  has a great social life, and has good grades. And yes, I have seen all the shows on Ritalin and teens who abuse it and on and on but I can tell you that this decision is extremely personal and it is a choice that one must make as a parent and one of the hardest choices at that. I have weighed the effects and risks against the benefits, and I have experimented with him in school without the Ritalin most recently. The teacher showed me how he was unable to focus long enough to even write his name on a paper. It is that bad. The OCD still remains but we are not at the point where we are convinced he needs meds yet. I probably will never reach that point either, unless he becomes so affected that the quality of his life is compromised. I pray that never happens.

On the last hub, I will tell you how our family deals with ADHD today at Preston's age of ten. The drug is one way but there must be other ways families deal with it as well for the child to effectively deal with the disorder, and that part is more important, I feel, than finding the right med. I will also cover what it is exactly that they feel inside and what they go through with the disorder. Thanks for reading.