Autism. There are so many myths and wrong assumptions.

I have a dear friend whose husband, at the age of 53, has finally been diagnosed with HFA. For years, their marriage was in trouble. His diffidence and obstinate behaviour, his refusal to commit, co-operate or show her empathy meant that she accused him of emotional abuse, of coldness and of not loving her. She almost ended up in a Women's Refuge.

Yet, to others he seemed such a nice man. 'Nice' - that's how people saw him - Mr Nice Guy. He never argued with anyone (except his wife) He never lost his temper or appeared out of control. But he was never really quite 'there', either. It was like trying to interact with a one dimensional cut-out figure that could walk and talk, but movement could often be strange - a strange walk , as she put it - with stilted conversations and eyes that never quite looked at you. People ended up talking at him rather than to him. Yet, he was a very nice chap.

What was wrong? It was difficult to pin point, because he had, after years of dealing with his hidden disablility, created a whole host of strategies to disguise it. In the early years of their marriage, she marched him off to Relate for counselling. The sympathetic counsellor asked him why he showed no passion or desire for his wife. (At the time, they were not having sex). He sat mute in the chair, unable to answer the question. This was the same response to any 'why' question. Silence. In fact, silence was how he managed most things that felt to him like conflict or attack, when in fact they were merely interaction.

The silences bought things to a head in the end. After a whole month of silence, my friend felt suicidal and begged her GP for help. More enlightened that most general practitioners, this doctor suggested that High Functioning Autism might explain his behaviour. After months of therapy, delving into family history and asking for help from other health professionals, my friend realised that this strange and misunderstood condition was in her husband's family and that there were thousands of other people living in the UK, who have not been diagnosed or given the support they need.

She had often decsribed him to me as a shadow with fuzzy edges that occasionally came into the sun and seemed, for a short while, to have a clear outline. She was always asking him to be truthful, saying that there was a huge gap between what he perceived as reality and what actually was reality. His family had called him a dreamer. But he believed his dreams as if they were absolutely real and true. That made lying very easy because he believed his lies with the naivety of a child. He appeared to switch in and out of child mode in an almost cyclical fashion. On other occasions, he became a rebellious teen-ager, arguing with my friend for hours and hours, but the arguments had no structure and no resolution. He had always been brilliant with words, indeed he worked with words and had a successful career as a teacher. But the world of intimacy, or close relationships, conversation and social interaction was one he could not understand; it was like a foreign language to him.

The diagnoses has made such a difference to them. Now she doesn't call me at 2am, sobbing down the phone for comfort and support. They go to therapy together and he is receiving the right sort of support from the service providers. But how long did this take? How many years of desperate unhappiness did they have to live through? What damage has been done to their kids?

We need more government funding for more and better research into AS and High Functioning Autism. It is on the increase and no one seems to know why. More men than women have the condition and more men go undiagnosed. The National Autistic Society have all the stats. Lobby your MP to campaign for a better understanding of this difficult and much misunderstood condition.

Lyn Ferrand 2009