Abuse: Are You or a Friend Experiencing the Signs?
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I wish I were writing this as an outsider writing about something that may interest people, but I have someone close to my heart to write about. 5 weeks ago, a guy who cheated on my sister 3 times broke up with her. 4 weeks ago, she started dating another creep and 10 days later they were engaged. About a week ago, she left home and is no longer communicating with her family.
My other sister, aged 18, and a lot wiser than both her older sisters (this includes me), told our mother and me that this guy has been encouraging my sister to break off ties with her family from the first week they were together. He has made her turn off her phone so that anyone trying to contact her must go through him.
A few years ago I saw a therapist who told me about a time that she worked with abused women. She told me that one of the first signs of abuse was that the abuser would isolate the abused from their family and friends. Remembering this tip from my therapist, I decided to find other signs of abuse and share them with others, and hopefully they will be able to help. I don’t know if my sister can ever be helped. She is stubborn and stupid and the guy she is with is a manipulative charmer. This doesn’t mean I should sit back and forget about her. I hope this tragedy will in turn help others.
Personal Note: In the off chance that you are my sister, you will most likely tell me that I am making this up to “control” you, because that is what your creepy fiancé will tell you. Do your own research – there are a million other sources out there that will say the same thing. I hope you are ok and I will always love you.
Types of Abuse
There are four types of abuse: physical, sexual, mental (emotional), and neglect.
Physical abuse is the easiest of the four to recognize because of bruises, black eyes or other injuries. Though the victims of physical abuse often lie about it and make excuses for their injuries, if there is a large amount of injuries, you may want to help the person see a professional therapist (if you can get them to go with you).
Sexual abuse is any sort of sexual touching, conversation or situations that the victim has made clear does not make them feel comfortable. This could be between the abuser and the victim or the victim and another victim.
Mental or emotional abuse is when the abuser threatens or humiliates the victim. This could be anything from calling the victims names to breaking their items. Stalking someone is another form of emotional abuse. Emotional abuse is hard to spot because there is usually no physical evidence, and can be mistaken for passionate love.
Neglect is very sad; as many people neither know they are abusing someone or being abused. In many cases, children are neglected because their parents are working in order to survive, though there are also cases where people just don’t care and are not around their kids. This occurs when someone does not provide food, shelter and other needs of someone who depends on him or her
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Signs of Abuse
The following list will show some typical signs of abuse. Not all signs will be consistent with every case of abuse.
Isolation
As I said above, one of the first things that an abuser will do is isolate the victim from anyone else who cares about them, especially their family. They will do this primarily by pointing out flaws in the family and friends and tell the victim that the victim is being “controlled” by friends or family.
The sad part of this is, that the victim may go from relationship to relationship and continue being controlled, or even go from a non-controlled relationship into a controlled relationship.
If someone tells you to cut off ties with your friends and family, don’t think for a second that they are not trying to control you. The request in and of itself shows a need for control.
In some cases, the abuser will even make the victim quit school or even their jobs to make sure they are fully isolated.
Belittling
Another sign is that the abuser will belittle the victim, or even anyone that will come too close to the situation.
Many times an abuser will start off a relationship by building up the victim and belittling everyone around the victim. Once the victim only trusts the abuser, the abuser will begin to belittle and “correct” the victim.
Humiliation
Along the same lines of belittling, an abuser will try to humiliate the victim in the presence of one or more witnesses, by either belittling them or saying things like “I can’t believe you don’t know that – everyone else has known that since they were 10!”
Even jokes at the victims expense can be abusive if it injures the victim.
Possessiveness
Abusers do not like anyone getting to close to the victim. It is all about control and if someone else gets too near abusers will react jealously and possessively.
Affairs
The abuser may either have an affair or repeatedly accuse the victim of having an affair.
Tracking
An abuser will often call someone repeatedly to make sure they know where they are. In severe cases of tracking, the victim could be being stalked.
Physical Abuse
Any sort of hitting, biting, slapping or action that causes injury that is not made in self-defense is abuse.
Some “physical abuse” that does not involve injury to the victim is destruction of the victim’s property.
Sexual Abuse
Any sort of sexual conversation or actions that is not desired by the victim or humiliates the victim is abuse.
Signs of an Abuser
Unfortunately, abusers are not always obvious. In many cases they are charming (Ted Bundy was charming and he raped and killed how many women?) and seem successful in their jobs and relationships.
Many claim some sort of spirituality and use their religion as a form of abuse.
Do not be surprised if you suspect abuse from a “nice” person. It should be investigated in the same way that a “shady” person is investigated.
Help for the Abused
Find help for the abused. They may need therapeutic help or even help from your local police. If anything, give the victim the number for the National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1−800−799−SAFE(7233). Do not just look away.
"The greater the power, the more dangerous the abuse." ~ Edmund Burke
"The real sin against life is to abuse and destroy beauty, even one's own - even more, one's own, for that has been put in our care and we are responsible for it's well-being." ~ Katherine Anne Porter
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Comments
Thank you for the prayers and encouragement, Phil.
Luci!
This article is both sad and very well done! Are you aware of what is called the Stockholm Syndrome? It's a syndrome wherein the hostage develops a loyalty to the hostage taker (abuser), ex: Patty Hearst as Tanya with the SLA (radical Symbionese Liberation Army--really REALLY bad guys!)
in the 70s. Patty was kidnapped by them and the poor kid actually ended up doing time in jail after being taken hostage, beat up and gaining so much loyalty (getting so SICK) that she actually held up (a bank?) and I believe shot someone (this is from memory, it was 30 odd years ago, and I'm not researching this as I'm writing it, so as to get it to you more quickly and honestly).
Anyway, I was once abused by both my father and my first husband. My father was satan incarnate, and would be doing time were he still alive for the crap that he pulled on my sister and I, but it's okay, he is paying for eternity now! I have no guilt saying that, even knowing that parents do the best they can at the time, with whatever they have, abuse is NEVER best, or even CLOSE to okay!! If you regain ANY self respect or esteem AT ALL you feel no guilt about your anger, and in fact, it is healthy to wish harm on YOUR abuser. The suffering that an abused person undergoes is hideous, it is a form of theft, and the abuser steals, too often, things like innocence, things that the abused can never EVER get back!
My first husband did all kinds of hideous stuff, especially isolating me (I can remember him moving me from DC where I was living with my parents, (doing quite well) after we married when he could have lived anywhere in the world that he wanted to because he was just beginning his career as a a CPA. INSTEAD he took me to a really crappy town in CT where he'd gone to college, and into the WORST kind of apt (tenement) that I had ever seen.
PLEASE don't misunderstand, I feel for those who have no means to live elsewhere, however, he had financial means, as did I.
He moved me there because he knew that I'd have absolutely nothing in common with anyone else there and would keep to myself.
It got to the point where my obstetrician FINALLY got me out of it when I had a still born child (at 8 months gestation) after being pushed down an icy flight of stairs one night.
The doctor couldn't find that bastard, and just kept on looking for him, still thinking that he would care (although looking back I think that Dr R had his suspicions, he certainly had reason to have had them!)until he found him in the parking lot smoking dope. Husband got flip with doc, doc called my mother, (he already knew my history with my father) so, my mother had me discharged from the hospital and brought me home with her. I say 'had me discharged' because I was so low that I was incapable of taking care of myself at ALL.
This isn't about me, I know that. However, it is what I have to relate to when I read this article.
My therapist told me @ Stockholm Syndrome, and I realized that I had it and that it took no time at all for me to capitualate beneath his tutelage because I'd moved from my abusive father's home into his, and it was what I KNEW, therefore easier for me to go along with it than to fight it.
I've since come to discover that there are all kinds of abuse. Emotional and psychological are truly worse because while those ABUSERS don't kill their victims, the scars that they leave are so well hidden that they lead women to kill themselves quite often, for lack of help.
There is help, there is a better way. If you are being abused in ANY way, if you even suspect it because something just doesn't feel right, and if you feel that you are unable to do anything, then while you are on your way home from the grocery store, even if you're being tracked, just walking into a hospital or a church and talking to someone will cause you to suddenly find yourself getting help.
It may be help that you feel you don't deserve or don't want, and you may be TERRIFIED that he will come looking for you once your 'time' is up, BUT there are some things that you can TRY to do if you are thinking that.
The first is think about how suddenly safe you really feel, do you feel the relief? Stay where you FEEL safe, nevermind what you think may happen, that is just fear, fear is False Evidence Appearing REAL, that's all it is. Think, if you can, about what you'd want for someone you love who had this happening to them, and then try TRY TRY TRY and just follow along with this person, listen to them as easily as you listen to your abuser, the strength will come, perhaps just not today.
GOD BLESS YOU Luci, for sharing this information that is in your article, for having the bravado to raise this issue, for looking it in the eye and spitting at it. You just never know whom you are helping, and today you helped who knows how many people! I CAN tell you that no matter what you definately helped and will continue to as long as that article remains on this hub.
THANK YOU Luci!
This is a great article kiddo, keep it up!
Best, Mona
I hadn't heard of Stockholm syndrome before you mentioned it, but I will definitely research it now! Thank you for sharing this story with me and I am glad you were able to get help and get out of those situations.
Thanks you Mona, for your steady support and all of your encouragement. I promise I will keep this article up as long as I have a hubpages account (though hopefully I can edit the part about my sister - as I hope she gets help)
Anyone else reading my comment but skipped Monas - please read her comment. She has lot of good advice and encouragement for those who might be abused.
Thanks for this hub. I believe it will help many to recognize their situation. I hope your sister will be among them!
Victims deserve to know that it's not only that the abuser doesn't love them at all, the abuser is the enemy of their life.
Pacal, thank you for your comment and your concern for my sister.
Great hub for anyone that needs help. I myself was mentally abused in my marriage for many years before we seperated, I am only now regaining my self esteem. Many people don't realise mental abuse can be as bad as other forms of abuse. Well written and this hub will really be of help to those that suffer at the hands of an abuser !
Thank you Badco!
Luciendasky,
For such a young woman you have certainly been gifted with much wisdom. This will help many people who are being abused. Hopefully they will reach out and get help!
I am sorry about your sister. Keep praying for her! The Love of God is stronger than anything. I will pray for you and your family as well.
Father, we come in the name of Jesus first to say Thank You for being God! Lord we Thank you for Lucienda and her sincerity in wanting to reach out to her sister. Father, it is unfortunate, but it is my prayer that you will bring this family closer together in the midst of this separation. Lord we ask that you look over her sister while she is on this prodigal journey. Lord we ask that you put someone in her path that will send her back to her family. Lord we again thank you for giving Lucienda the strength to write and share this article on abuse. We pray that it will help many others as well! We ask Lord that you continue to grow her in your love, wisdsom and understanding. We thank you and realize that there are some things that we must go through in life. But we know that All your promises are true. So we thank you that no matter what you will never leave or forsake her! Lord again I Thank you that our paths have crossed. Keep her encouraged and may she always feel your love, presence and protection! Please, Comtinue to strengthen. bless her and her family! In Jesus name....
You have done a WONDERFUL job here!
Blessings
Thank you for the encouraging words and comment, DeBorrah
Thank you for bringing attention to this issue.
I hope it will help someone
I hope it will help someone
PhilD41 says:
4 months ago
Excellent hub. I am sorry for the difficulties with your sister. I will be glad to offer up a prayer for her and your family. I am fortunate not to have abuse in my immediate family. I do have friends that work in the social work area and in homes for battered women. I have seen just about everything you list. Hopefully this hub will help others recognize and stop abuse in their circles as well.