Recovering and Dealing with Mental Illness

A few years ago, I had a mental breakdown. I was suffering from severe major depression that led me to psychosis. I experienced paranoid delusions, tried to steal a car, broke into a business and completely ripped apart a kitchen at a recovery center. That said, I never really attacked anyone or hurt anybody physically, but I did cause a lot of property damage to the kitchen. As for stealing the car, I was unsuccessful, for I had no clue whatsoever on how to break into one or hotwire it for that matter, although my father tried to teach me once many, many years ago. And as for the breaking into the business, all I did was use the computer to track down my husband, who I believed was George Clooney at the time, but that was it. Fortunately for me that little embarrassing delusion didn't last much more than a day.

It takes a lot for me to admit things like that, even on just an internet forum, where I’m actually safe from facing anyone in person about my mental breakdown. But at the same time, it’s a release for me and a chance to talk and heal over a traumatic moment in my life. It helps me to gain the courage to tell people in person and that is something I need to do. Because in order to feel somewhat normal again, you have to be honest about yourself and your past, especially when you begin new relationships with people.

When I was dealing with my depression and illness, I felt ashamed, embarrassed and guilty. I felt like I had allowed myself to get ill and that I should have somehow known better or done something to prevent it. With time and therapy, I have come to let those feelings go, but I have to admit there were certain patterns of behavior that I did that contributed to my illness.

I’m not assigning blame to myself because I do believe you can be living your life that best you can under difficult circumstances, and a mental illness like depression can overtake you. But I do realize now how I handle specific situations and how I did or didn’t deal with them, all of which led me to a downward spiral.

Through therapy I realized some of the bad habits of mine that had an effect on my becoming ill. For instance, I hate to say no to people whenever I feel they need me. I always want to help and be of assistance to the people I care about. It’s just very natural to me to be of service and to care a great deal about my family and friends, so I was always trying to be there for them, even when it cost me so much.

It takes me forever to ask for help. When my mother became stricken with cancer for the third time in her life and I helped her through it, I took on the brunt of the work myself. I didn’t ask for help with my family until I was literally falling apart and by that time my mother was not sleeping or eating. I felt enormously guilty that I couldn’t care for her completely all the time, but I couldn’t do it 24/7 with no rest or breaks, but I still felt like a failure because of it. I sometimes feel a little guilty that I don’t still care for her like I used to, but with therapy I’m working on it and getting better.

I realized with this way of life that I wasn’t putting myself first. I know it sounds like a cliché but sadly it’s true. However, right now I’m finally focused on taking care of myself, learning to say no and asking for help, even thought I may not always get it, I still ask.

By recognizing and addressing these issues in my life, I am not assigning blame to myself for my illness, but accepting what I can do now to avoid a setback and a relapse. Another equally important factor is sticking with my treatment plan and taking my medication. With these steps, I’m taking an affirmative action on staying healthy and hopefully that will last.