I've been really mulling over my latest hub. Part of my dilemma, a multitude of possibilities. Another part, writing is my ultimate self-indulgence. Why should I write? Why should anyone read? Passe, right? I feel like that's what I'm dealing with every time I write, but could it just be the same odd sense of entitlement over language that let's one make up words, if not slang them?! Any how, this was my New Year's resolution. I stole the idea from a friend of mine, and I decided to try it for a while, but treat it more like a secret self-experiment. I was wondering if how I treated this whole concept of the resolution could actually affect my life. I had started to feel like the cool thing to do is to discuss in passing conversations, leading up into and through "the holidays", are you really going make a resolution? Or am I just going to joke it off? Heck, usually I forget the one I made from the night before. I love to ring in the new year. But now, we're into June, it suddenly struck me what that really means. The heart of the matter, how is it going?

Well I am relatively proud of myself, just for the simple evidence that I'm writing about it. However, (uh... well, you see why I didn't do them last night was... lol) I have not done 100% of my pushups yet, as of tonight. But I'm going to do 151 pushups today. Please understand, as this is the first time I've really taken a New Year's resolution seriously, I'm viewing this as success in a very loose sense. But, I was very faithful for the first 3 months. I had my vasectomy back in March and I was forced to take off. No big deal. By that time, I was stronger and I was breaking my total into sets. Even from the beginning, I was trying to just be realistic. So, I'm up to 50 and I'm collapsing at 45?? Busy day, big meal, whatever. Before I go to bed, the other 5 pushups will hit the floor. And in cases like these, just odd numbers when I am about to hit a plateau, I still need to kick or groan, or in my case, fend off the taunts and jeers of my lecherous old lady who has really been oh so supportive and impressed with my efforts since I let her in on it ;) There had been one point when I thought about abandoning at about 130, just because I was becoming loose with my own rules and wanted to continue regardless of a daily total, but Briann told me I should get back to it and that really meant something in a very sappy, simple way. When she started to witness it I sort of became accountable to her, and plus she just wanted to keep seeing me do pushups! But initially I really would do them after she went to bed. Or whenever I found myself with 20 minutes or so of solitude. I had decided that perhaps I should best treat this as a sort of private meditation. A promise that I only make to myself and in doing so, nobody needs to know. I wanted to try to keep it to myself for a while.

Hold on, I'm going to do my first 50 for tonight, 2 a.m. I'm done about 2 1/2 minutes later. And now the confession...

Somedays I didn't do pushups at all. Or somedays I only did 2/3 or even a half, or whatever. But part of my measure of success, is that I am really trying to keep hold now, of the success I've got under my belt (or belly as the case may be). I'm not sure why it began to resonate with me, but it sort of seemed like everything a resolution should be. They always seem like they should have some sort of perceived self-improvement angle. The resolution I dropped last year: No cussing... $#!* That fell by the wayside after about a month of choppy victories. Although, I take it more seriously now in speech, or passing interjection. And charitable commitments can also prove to be fertile soil for this kind of quiet philanthropic drive. A feeling that a good deed needs no reason or mention, but that it may happen just because. So I guess any explanation for this sense of physical trial would be two-fold. Why not exercise for my own health? And also just to try to gain some sense of passage of a year. Just think of it. On New Year's Eve this year I will have to give up 365 pushups. At least it's not a leap year. 

Somedays, most days of the beginning in fact, I was really trying to give my all and set a good foundation for my success. I was doing extras just to try to over achieve. 110%. I learned it in sports early in life, but then I began to loathe and tire of that mentality as a teenager, as it seemed that hormones or parental pressures were perverting so many upstanding young adults into strange, de-evolutionary meatheads. But extracurricular activities begin to instill a sense of commitment, obligation, schedule.

Hold on, need to give another 50.

This is something that I have come to see value in as a concept, and as a key reality in accomplishing goals. What other productivity, or change, drastic or otherwise, will result from me adding this to my life? I should look better and feel better, but what does that lead to? Would people ask me if there is "something" I've been doing? "Have you lost weight?" etc. To this I add, not really, but it becomes a bit of a confidence booster to think that I can drop and give the proverbial "20" if for some reason this is demanded of me. I seem to remember an instance when I attended a hockey game, and one of the silly little crowd participation games involved choosing a random person to complete 20 pushups on the Jumbotron. The whole crowd gets to count them off for you, and they get to tell you which ones count and which don't. Simply genius! 

My rules are guidelines (flexible so as not to develop a sense of self-defeat): I started on January 1, and I did as many as I wanted, but I eventually add one pushup to my total, each day for the whole year. It became too much for me to try to do them all at once, so I've started breaking them into sets. But most importantly, I NEVER let yesterday's shortcoming determine what I may be capable of today. It doesn't make sense, but somedays I did 3 extra and then collapsed early the next day, but then came back with another extra even after that day. 

Is anyone else still attempting their New Year's Resolution??

Happy hubbing. Now drop and give me 51 more! 

So, I've just done my first set of 50, the first 50 I've done in a few weeks. It felt good, but I was on the parquet floor on one hand and on the stone tile with the other. My wrist bones feel a bit tender, but oh well. I just need to keep on the wood and I'll be fine. But before tonight's first set I had given up, again.

I recently came to the point where I confessed, yet again, to Briann that I was giving up. It was really getting tough to keep up with the other things in my life, or perhaps just in my mind. About 2 1/2 weeks ago we managed a few good bursts of momentum toward the project in the front yard (a mediation I have begun to call Man vs Nature, referring fondly if not in complete concession and sarcasm). After some evenings digging of the yard, stooping, scooping, itching, sweating, there was no way I was going to do some push-ups. But don't ever give up twice. One thing I seek in writing is attainment of some sort of accountability to myself and others. But I needed some rest.  Then we kind of started cooking again and we were eating, well. Which was fine if I was still doing the work, but I haven't been. And this has a symbiotic effect.

Tonight I have come to a point where this physical laziness is starting to spill over into too many other facets of this life I share. So here we go again. But I have been able to find a bit of encouragement elsewhere, this as a direct result of writing on hubpages.

Hubpages came up in a recent job interview, as I include it on my resume (accountability yet again), and I was asked "What do you write about?" Well, in my first article I vented directly about losing my job in "recession-proof" Oklahoma. I know it may seem like a very macabre choice to reveal at a job interview, but things were going well (kiss of death) so I was open. My next article informed of my experiences during a recent medical procedure and what to expect if anybody happened to try to do a little research. And finally, I began to describe this article. And they inevitably asked "So how's it going?"

... I had to be honest. And I had kind of a naked moment in front of my prospect.

I've got to do another 50.

Some editing, and now another 50. Need to finish these, edit, then 33 more and get to beddy-bye. Don't ever give up twice. Thanks for asking.

Ok, and now for a crazy coincidence: Today is also the halfway point. 34 more are done. And check the time :)