Donnie and I had always wanted to be fathers, but were not interested in the usual way you had to go about it.  We had talked many times about adopting and had done nothing, thinking it was impossible.  Finally one day I called the state wide adoption network (S.W.A.N.).  I talked to them and much to my delight they told me that in the state of Pennsylvania you couldn't be turned down because you're gay.  So they sent us a packet of information.

     Now I feel that I should mention that there are many ways to adopt and they all have their good and bad points.  We went the way of children in foster care.  First because I have been in foster care and was very lucky, I was placed with one family that I stayed with until I graduated high school and now I felt that I should give back.  Second, we felt that we should look at children right here that needed a home as opposed to other countries or a surrogate mother.  The down side to this is these children carry baggage that can be more than you bargained for.  We felt in the long run it was worth the route we picked.

     We got the packed from S.W.A.N. and called several agencies before we found one that would work with us.  There are the county agencies and with them you only get children from that county.  Then there are the independent agencies that can place children from any county in the state.  This is how it works in my state, check with your state to see what their policies are.

     We chose the second, because they don't usually place children with huge problems, and their caseworkders are not as overloaded as the county workers due to the fact they don't have to place children.  They also have more resources to help you, because of being able to work with so many counties.  When we originally signed up we just were an adopting home.  We didn't really want to do foster care because sometimes the natural parents can cause difficulties, but we got a call saying that they had two boys they needed to place ASAP and thay they were not going to be adoptable until the following week.  Would we agree to be foster parents?  What were we going to say?

     The boys were nine and eleven and it was right before Easter when they moved in.  If you think it was an instant happy family, you couldn't be farther from the truth.  As I have already stated these children come with a lot of baggage and the most common is issue of trust.  The older boy had that plus he wa very good at getting people to feel sorry for him, usually through lying.  This caused us a lot of problems with the school and agency.  You will have to have a great deal of patience when working with these children.  They will do things that make you crazy and that don't seem normal to you, as most children do.

     Sometimes when the children are older like the boys we had they also get input on whether they want to be adopted by you.  The oldest in this case didn't want to be with us.  It had more to do with him thinking he was an adult and not wanting to follow rules than anything else.  So another family adopted him.  Normally they would have moved both boys, but the youngest one didn't want to go so they left him with us, and the brothers call each other and visit from time to time.  You can't take things like that personally, although it's hard not to.

     Sometimes the natural parents won't let you take the children because you're gay, this happens when the children are in foster and the parents rights haven't been terminated.  There was a teen-age boy who was thought to be gay and mom was in jail and dad was gone.  He was in a group home where he was being picked on and abused by the other boys and the agency had asked us if we would take him.  We said yes, but when his mother found out that we were gay she said no way.  Again as angry as I was that this mother would let her son in a place where he was so unhappy rather than be placed with a gay couple, you have to brush if off.  There are children out there you can help and keep moving on.

     In June of the same year that we got the two boys we had a four year old boy move in.  He was deaf and had some behavior problems.  He took to us fast and he seemed to respond to me well.  When is comes to children with handicaps you can say what or if you can handle them.  When it came to him he was so cute how could we say no.  So for the next year we had three boys and the that is when the oldest went to another home.

     This is a good time to talk about the caseworkers.  It's a good idea to develop a good relationship with them so that when there are problems they know the house well and will work better with you.  However there will be that one caseworker that you just can't seem to get along with, just like any job you're not going to get along with all your co-workers.  The caseworker for the first two boys was that one.  She always compared her own son to these boys, which was crazy.  Learn to look for someone in the agency that you can get along with.  We found her when we got the third boy.  The reason this is so important is that when you're dealing with a school district or other government agencies that are giving you a hard time your caseworker will step in and help.  A lot of the time they can get things done faster than you can.  Even after the adoption you can call them for advice if you have developed a good rapport with them.  So as with the children you will have to be patient when working with the caseworkers you don't seem to click with.  One last thing on caseworkers, they have state laws they have to follow.  Which may nor always seem to benefit the children.  Just remember, even if they don't say so, they may not like what they have to do.  But it's the law.

      Even with all the issues we had it's still the best thing we have ever done, and I wouldn't change a thing.  It's been several years since the adoptions have happened and the boys are just like brothers.  They fight one minute and play nice the next.  For those of you who are up in the air about whether you want to do this or not, I would say the rewards are worth the turmoil.

     One last note,  If you are wondering how many children are in foster care and group homes and are looking for a family check out www.adoptpakids.org.  I am sure other state have a simlar site.