I went outside last night, smoking a cigar,looking at the stars thinking, like I usually do before I bed down. Then I looked at my home, and the houses on my street, then thought "I haven't done to bad for myself, considering where I came from." But still I felt odd, and empty. I noticed that regardless of my education, and my experiences, I was still the same. Even thou I'm a little older now, I still have that "hood" mentality. My demeanor really hasn't changed over the years, and I knew it was for a reason.

My mother was hard woman. She was mean,psychotic, and she loved to brawl. Which amazed me because she was only 5ft tall. She wasn't sympathetic, or loving, and she raised me and my siblings to be the same way. She was a violent person, so all we knew was violence. My older brother Marlon, has been in prison since 1994, for murder. My baby sister, Quiana, is just like my mom...she should have been a man. Me? I'm the quiet one with serious rage issues. Great family right?

I grew up in the 70's, 80's era, and child abuse really wasn't heard of. I mean if a cop came out to your house back then, nothing really came of it. The cop is an adult, your parent is a adult- your just a kid, case closed. I have to be honest thou, when it comes to child abuse, I'm kind of on the fence. On one hand, kids are bad as hell these days and in need of a ass kick'n. Then on the other hand, parents shouldn't be beating their kids for no damn reason either.

When I was 5 years old, my mother striped me naked, hog tied me (hand to feet) and beat the hell out of me for 45 minutes. Why? Because I stole a hot wheels car from K-Mart. Did the punishment fit the crime? Hell no! I'm 34 and can still remember it like it was yesterday. That's called abuse.

Believe me when I say, I am not against physically punishing a child. Its about how much force you use, and the reason behind it. Obsessive force is not discipline. Its does far more damage mentally, then physical. I remember I became a "ward of the state" in 1986, and my social worker had me go to counseling. I ended up seeing those damn doctors until 1992. They swore I was crazy, because I didn't show emotion. I didn't cooperate, and in some sessions I would just sit there in silence. The last Doctor I seen, he said " I pray to God you find help, your a time bomb waiting to explode." Man was he right. I was in and out of jail, like it was my first home. I didn't realize then, but I was "f'd" up. I was into gangs, and all the trouble that came with them. It amazing that I'm still here. I must of had more then 9 lives.

The fact of the matter is my past abuse has affected me as an adult. There are visible scars. When I met my wife's family it was hard to fit in, because I wasn't used to a family setting. I always felt out of place. You see I was used to being alone, or a loner. Being with her family was one of the hardest things that I had to deal with. My grand mother used to say " you cant blame the world for your problems, so scratch your ass and get glad." But what if you really have a problem that's not really your fault. Who's to blame then? I've went through so much drama, that you wouldn't know it by looking at me.....until you pissed me off. The scary thing is....I'm not the only one.