As a very young girl around 5 years old. I didn't know the things being done to me by a brother and his friends where wrong. When I told what was happening nothing was done and it was never spoken of again. A few years later I was about 10 yeas old it would happen again by a different brother and once again nothing was done and it was never spoken of again. Not only was my abuse sexual but emotonaI and mental abuse. My father was an alcholic. He workd on a tug boat so he was gone 30 days and home sometiimes 15 days. But when he was home it got really bad some times. They would be physical beatings, my mother would leave and leave me and my little sister there with my dad and older brother. He would make me and my little sister go out in the dark looking for her. I even had to stay up all night feeding my mom coffee because she tried to overdose. By the age 14 I started running away from home. At fifteen I became really sexually active. I got pregnant at 16 and got married and moved out. I thought I was going to be safe at that point, Boy was I wrong. My husband bacame violent and started beating me when I was 8 months pregnant. My world was again crushed. I divorced him he took our three boys and ran. He promised me that if I left him I would never see my boys again. I didnt think he would go that far but he did. I then got pregnant again and once again found my self in an abusive relationship. This continued until seven years ago. I met my current Fiance. It has been a rocky road.

I am 43 years old now and it affected me all of my life. I couldnt really love anyone because I didnt love myself. I wanted to die because I was blaming myself for everything that had happend in my life.I felt like there was not hope for me. I counldnt have friends are boyfriends without things going bad. I would always distance myself from peopIe I finally came to the end of my rope one day and decided that the pain had to end. I put my self in the hospital after having a blackout and breaking my right hand. ended up with 3 charges against me. This was the most serious thing I had ever been in. I knew then I need to get help. I started seeing the mental health workers and going to therapy. The emotions I was feeling where overwhelming at times. But I knew I had to continue if I myself truely wanted to put it behind me. And that is one thing I truely did want was to put it all behind me. I am engaged to get married and I cant truely commet to that until I myself have done some healing. I have trouble being intament with him. I dont procieve sex in a way that I should. Only because it was introduced to it at a very young age. I have started free style writing. I let my inner being speak out. It has really put me in tune with myself. I also read and try to learn what I can about the abuse and skills to help me heal. I thought that my life was no longer worth living and that I was ugly, fat, mean, and didnt deserve love.

Well I'm here to let you know. I do deserve to be loved and Im not ugly, mean are fat and neither are you. We just need to have someone remind us of that. So please know that there are people out there that do care and are willing to help you. Your not alone. Your not the only person this has happend to. I just like you didnt see just how much my childhood tramas was affecting my adult life. Know that you have made it this far and it can get better. If you are a young child that this is happening to now. Tell your teacher are one of your friends parents. This is the first step in putting a stop to it. if your an adult and have not yet seeked help. I beg you to do so now. You can contact me and I will do what I can to help you get on the road to recovery. One book that comes to mind that has helped me is the current one Im working in ." The Courage To Heal Workbook for Men and Women Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse, By Laura Davis. It is not going to be and easy thing to do but YOU owe it to yourself to move one to a better life. It is achievable and there are so many people out there that are there to help you. You can form a support group that you can turn to when it is hard and you feel hopeless. These people are also there to help you on your journey to healing. If your an adult and you were a victim of child sexual abuse. You are a survivor now. You made it this far in life and if your reading this then you have taken the first step. Now that you have some tools to use, the rest is all up to you and how bad you want to put this past behind you. If you are a friend of someone who had been abused then give them all the information you can to help get them started healing. Best wish to each and everyone that needs to heal.