Question from Sam:

Hi there I was browsing the internet in search of some knowledge and wisdom in order to share with the person I loved the most during a hard time. In the hope that by reading good thing on your web page maybe you can help me out with some words of wisdom that Im lacking.

Over the past months my girlfriend's parents have been going through rough times with each other and my girlfriend is very much affected by their actions. She's afraid that one day they might divorce each other and fears it whenever there is a fight between both of her parents.

I can't bare to see her cry and I wish I had a magic wand so that I can just make everything right and make her happy again. Unfortunately, I don't have those powers but Im lacking words of wisdom that I can use to comfort her through this difficult time.

Sam

From Advice to Sam

Dear Sam,

Your girlfriend is fortunate to have someone by her side who cares so much. On a deep emotional level, your physical presence gives her the comfort and reassurance she needs right now to be strong during a time of parental separation. As a couple, sometimes we find ourselves in a position where we care so much about our spouse that we try to do as much as possible to help him/her stop hurting. We attempt to say whatever needs to be said in order to ameliorate their stresses. This is a normal reaction of a compassionate lover, so it's not surprising to have our lover's pain manifested into our pain as well.

I agree, it would be nice to see her problems solved with the flick or a wave of a wondrous magic wand or the simple heartfelt whispers of wishes to a distant star, but - well, wait, you may in fact have these miraculous powers! It's difficult for her to see two people she subconsciously views as the epitome of love and a lifetime of marriage shatter into pieces by a traumatic event.

Here's what you can do to help her, and perhaps her mother and father as well:

1) Wave those magic arms of yours and put it over her shoulder. You have the power to reassure her that love between two people doesn't necessarily mean all relationships will come to an abrupt end; it can and does flourish between couples who care deeply for each other. In times like these, words alone may not be as effective in alleviating her suffering, but actions like hugs, kisses, and spending time with her all benefit the situation in getting her mind off the divorce. Therefore, if you feel up to it, continue to be there and support her. You are her wish-granting star and her illustrious magic wand. When all of this is over, she'll need you the most in making this difficult transition complete.

2) Parents. During phases of the divorce or a period of separation, parents tend to neglect their child's emotional needs and considerations until after their inner most desires to move out of each other's lives are fully satisfied. I strongly suggest (in making the coping process easier for your girlfriend) that the entire family attends some sort of counseling. This way your girlfriend has the chance to gain the closure she needs in knowing that sometimes not all marriages are perfect or total successes, and that she is not to be blamed for her parent's divorce. It's important for her to know that she is not responsible for what is currently taking place. Her parents love her, always have and always will. Assist in reaffirming this belief.

Sam, hold her and keep telling her that you care deeply about her. Let her know you'll be there for her through it all. No matter what happens, she'll survive and make it through all right. A dosage of family counseling to assist her in coping with her parents' divorce, and you being there by her side as her shoulder to cry on is all she really needs.

Be strong and hang in there, Sam. She's a tough girl who can make it through this. As long as she has you there to comfort her with your loving embraces and kind words of reassurance -- she'll recover nicely and move on.