Affairs with Married Men
86Kristy Swanson on Playboy cover, 2002
Kristy Swanson & Luke Perry in Buffy the Vampire Slayer 1992
Lloyd Eisler, figure skater
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Mistake or Character Flaw?
Veronica,
I'm having an affair with a married man. I am a 33 year old professional woman with a full life and solid career. When we first got involved 4 years ago it was fun. After time I have realized my love for him is so deep. I want him to leave his wife but I am afraid he won't. He says he loves me so much more than his wife, but his wife is a pitiful, clingy, dependant and he doesn't know how to leave her. I am at my wits end. What are your thoughts on this?
Signed,
Lonely
Dearest Lonely,
My thoughts on this, are that you are an ass. No judgment, just honesty here.
I always think it's funny when the mistress believes that the wife is the fool. She sleeps in his bed, bares his children, cashes his paychecks, spends Christmas and vacations with him, and is the one he bends over backward to protect. You are the one signing your name as "lonely". Which one of you do you honestly think is the pitiful one?
I do feel sorry for you. And for the wife for that matter. It sucks to be lied to. And both of you are being lied to. He lies to his wife obviously. And he lies to you when he tells you he doesn't know how to leave his wife and all that other bullshit. Honey, if he wanted out, he'd be out.
Will a married (or significantly committed/attached man) leave his significant other for you? Sometimes.
Take actress/playboy model Kristy Swanson and champion figure skater Lloyd Eisler for example. They met on the FOX TV show in 2005, Skating with the Stars. He was married at the time. His wife was 8 months pregnant when he left her for Kristy. Another example is the infamous Britney Spears and Kevin Federline affair, marriage, and divorce. So, yes. Yes, a married man may leave his family for you, especially if you are wealthier or more famous than his wife is.
But your odds of this happening are slim. Your married man has no intention of leaving his wife. You've given him proof of 4 years that you accept and allow his behavior. He has no reason to change it.
You said when this started, it was fun. And I want to elaborate on that. Sex is fun. Sex is natural, and healthy, and animal and basic. It's one of the greatest things about life on earth.
The thing that is not fun, is the lying.
I know couples with open relationships. What I admire about them, is honesty. You see the honest theme weaved throughout all of my HUBS. One couple, Erik and Ken, have been together for over 20 years. They are a loving committed couple, who have been honest with each other about their needs, and have respectfully found a compromise that works for them, which is NOBODY'S BUSINESS BUT THEIRS. Their honesty and their arrangement works for them. I think it's beautiful that they communicate so well, and accept each other so completely.
The difference between them, and you, is the dishonesty. The lying. They are an honest couple, showing each other respect and value. You and your married men are liars. What you're doing to your married man's wife is cruel. And don't say he's the one doing it, not you. You're every much as responsible for it as he is.
Lonely, let me ask you this. Would you really want to be with a man that you know for a fact lies to his life partner? He stood at the alter and promised himself to this woman, and now lies to her, goes behind her back, calls her dependant and clingy, and fucks another woman in secret. And we don't know how many other women just like you he has. Do you really want to be committed to man that isn't capable of respect and honesty? Do you really want this guy??
People make mistakes. I can sympathize with some married guy that gets confused, makes a huge error in judgment, does something stupid, and then regrets it. That's not what happened here. 4 years?? He's not a good guy that made a huge mistake. He's an asshole.
I can also sympathize with the fact that some marriages don't work. People get married too young, fall in and out of love, change, grow... have kids that either one of them or both of them didn't actually want or didn't actually think about. Money, careers, in laws... there are a lot of reasons marriages don't work out. These things happen. And if he and his wife just fell out of love for whatever reason, I would sympathize with that and wish him well moving on.
But even if that is his case scenario, he isn't in the process of changing his life. He isn't communicating with his wife, and taking the brave road here like a man. He's a lying cheating coward. 4 years worth. Come on, Lonely. Put yourself in that wife's shoes.
I would not have come down so hard on you had the two of you had some fling. Anyone can make a mistake. Even a big mistake. It is part of the human condition to fuck up. The difference between a mistake and a character flaw should be obvious. The long 4 year time factor, let alone the lies he tells his wife and about his wife, are proof.
Also, I would not have come down so hard on you had you sounded content, and signed your email happily. You are obviously miserable. You are afraid he won't leave his wife, clearly this reveals you wish to break up his marriage. You admit you are lonely. You aren't a healthy happy person engaging in this thing and going on with your life. You've let it become crushing and manipulating, you've let it ruin your self esteem and your happiness. And you've let it define you. It's time to stop.
A new door can not open until you close an old door. Change your life. Invite better things in for yourself.
My wish for you is that you re-find your value: that you see your self worth and that you realize it is not celebrated in this affair. I wish for you to see this guy for what he really is and not for what you would like to pretend he is. I wish you would be honest - with yourself and with everyone else. I wish you happiness.
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Comments
Exactly.
STANDING OVATION VERONICA!!!!
Thank you for your honesty.
You are selfish and only care about yourself. I have no pity at all for women who sleep with married men. They wreck homes and destroy children's lives. My husband ran off with his "woman" (she doesn't even deserve to be called a woman). He has been gone almost a year and left me with 4 children to raise by myself. I was totally dependent on him for everything and was a stay at home mom. He left us with 0 money (we lived paycheck to paycheck), and has not paid one penny to this day. After 13 years he just didn't care what happened to us. Would have been different if there had been a warning, or if he actually supported our kids. There are plenty of unmarried men out there. Keep your claws off of married men, home wrecker. I hope you fall deeply in love someday, and after 10 or 15 years, he dumps you for a another piece of trash like yourself!
I was married for years and left my wife for the woman I had an affair with. My life was horrible. Money was a huge issue since my wife refused to work and would get mad because I worked long hours. Where did she think the money would come from? She made it worse and worse because she kept wanting to have more children. I dreaded coming home at night and really grew to see her in a different way. I really felt a connection here when Lonely said her married man described his wife as pitiful, clingy, and dependent. I can relate to that like you would not believe.
I think Veronica's advise is correct and harsh. Get on with your life away from this guy's mess. Believe me when I say you do not want to be part of it. Veronica you should give some advise to the married guys in this situation that want out.
Bill:
Done! Check it out.
http://hubpages.com/hub/For_Unhappily_Married_Men
(If you posted a comment that didn't appear here, check for your Words there.)
He says he loves me so much more than his wife, but his wife is a pitiful, clingy, dependant and he doesn't know how to leave her.
your his whore! he doesnt love you or her ,if he did he wouldlnt of cheated on her, how would u know if his wife was pitiful, clingy,or dependant , maybe she didnt work because she stayed home with thier children, maybe he liked her pitiful and clingy till he decided to cheat on her with a whore and decided it was time for her to change, u should really look at why u had affire with a married man and why you cant get a single guy , u should look at yourself whore ! your not a good person u trying to break up a marriage
I was married, he was marrried, and we met. I realized I was looking because I was unhappy. We fell madly in love and I got my divorce. I actually filed and left my husband before I dated him. He was going to get his divorce too. After I filed, he didn't. He delayed his "until after Christmas". Then it was another excuse. He said I was pushing him. Now after a few months, I said "get the divorce" because you want to, not me. And after that we will "see what happens". I was sick of hiding it and felt betrayed and wasting my life on something I couldn't have. I am happy that he helped me see my unhappy marriage but he just can't stand up to his. She knows about his affair and he told her to file for divorce. She isn't. I was afraid of this coming back to haunt me because I felt like he would do the same thing to me. I have decided to forget about him. It is time for a new life. I now know who I am. I am beautiful and smart. And no married men deserve me.
I'm glad I got here, it took a couple years. I am in the throes of breaking it off with the married man I have been with for more than two years. We were childhood dates and I never quite forgot him although I went off to have a generally good life. When we unexpectedly hooked up through an online high school history site, it was so nice to catch up after three decades. It took six months of writing and talking before we agreed to meet, even though we live in the same metro area and another six months before we began a full-fledged affair for 18 months. He is an intelligent, attractive and sweet man and I just could not see how tightly bound his sense of security comes from the status quo of his marriage. I now know it does not matter that his marriage is not very fulfilling, that he is lonely w/o children or a partner to do things with. He cannot or will not act on his own behalf within his marriage to move beyond that. And maybe that is why my relationship with him happenend. I did not require that he give up much of anything as long as he 'worked toward' growing and self- knowledge, encouraging him to go into therapy (for 8 months now). I accept now that people don't change their world easily or often, the world they create gives them something whether they can articulate it or not. But I can change my circumstances with him because it is just too painful to live this half-life whether we feel love for one another or not.
It is not enough to feel love for someone, for me the word 'love' is an action word that is positive and invigorating and life-affirming. It is not a side-road along the main events in a life, nor is it a romantic excursion that is isolated from other parts of a life. I feel foolish at how long it took me to come to my senses. I was not seduced, nor do I think he is a user; he is a man who has not or cannot come to terms with a marriage that is not working. I am writing to tell all who are messing around with someone who is married, it adds an huge layer of problems and throws into doubt whether the two people engaging in the affair can ever lead a full life together no matter whether they marry or not, to find a life partner to share your life. I am grateful, I wished him well and working on my own life and I know it has changed me, that it matters that I stooped so low. It feels good to breath. Fresh Air.
Thanks you for the breath of fresh air! Living a half-life is exactly what I felt. He too could not stand up or act on his own behalf. I had to take the initiative and move on.
I AM UNMARRID MAN CAN I MAKE THE RELATION WITH A MARRID LADY
After reading all of the other comments about affairs it seems everyone has come to same conclusion....and that is it can't work....its destined to fail from the very start. Mine has been going on for 8 yrs...and I am ending it now. I am just walking away...no bitter phone calls...no bitter emails...just walking away. I never wanted it to start in the first place, but he pursued me until he wore me down to give in....I felt desired, it was a great feeling....then the once a week liasons felt great for a short period of time....but the rest of the week I felt horrible because I felt used...and I was....but I allowed it all to happen. Now I am taking charge of my life. I am not going to allow him to use me to feed his ego that he desperately needs fed. He never cared about me or my feelings..he listened but didn't hear. I do feel sorry for his wife.....he obviously doesn't respect her or love her. He lies to her and he lies to me. He can't be trusted and this is not a man I want to spend the rest of my life with...so its time to move on. I am not saying its easy.....this is harder than my divorce....but only because I keep feeling like I need him....even though I know deep down inside I don't. He has nothing to offer me but heartache.
Jaya, it is a big positive to let go of something/someone who causes you so much pain. Living in the shadows of an affair requires we break our life into parts that cannot be recognized by others and eventually we can't recognize where the real us is in all of this.
During my affair I lost what I needed most (love for myself), replacing it with 'hope' that the future held for us an authentic life together. It was deeply painful to come to terms that the love we felt for one another was not enough to motivate him to act. I can see now it almost always is not enough and very risky business.
Once I invested in the affair it became even more painful to make a break and I experienced how denial played a role in my decisions. Affairs with married men are destructive for us because we have to bury what we deeply want and need to even begin such a relationship. I own my part in this by deciding while in deep pain that the kind of love I need does not feel this way; it promotes growth, not secrecy and it embraces the world rather than requiring we hide from it. I still feel pain but not as often and I have more good days than not good days and it is getting better. I hope you find many positive ways to get support and insight and meet people out in the open from this point on. It is a positive thing to take responsibility for your actions and your future. I wish you insight and growth and strength, the pain will pass and you will be amazed at how good life can be because you have learned to aviod being in denial.
The sad thing is, most of us know deepdown what Veronica is saying is true. I have been seeing a married man for 5 months and i too have fallen for him. Yes it was wrong and it happened because i allowed it to when i was looking for a friend and a shoulder to cry on, the guy paid me attention and it just seemed to flow. I felt something with him that i hadnt felt in years and as much as he says he loves me, he still hasnt left the wife. I have read so many stories about women in my situation and it is all too familiar. This guy doesnt have kids with her although she does from previous relationship. Dont get me wrong, i knew from day one he was married but i didnt think i would allow myself to get involved but you cant turn back the clock and you cant just switch off your feelings either.
We are more emotional than men, when something feels so right you dont want it to stop. We know the answers deepdown but we cling onto hope and the possibilty that it could happen but again, as Veronica says...would you want to be with a man that cheats and lies as he will do it to you...If the guy really loved me, then he would leave her.
Helen,
thank you for your comment. Good luck to you.
Veronica
7 years, turning 50, waiting for him to leave. It is a terrible pain that has overtaken all the good things in my life (university degrees, profession, independence). We have travelled extensively over the years - treasured single weeks, then by necessity had to revert to the 2x a week meetings. I want to end it, fear the loss. He's my soulmate, yet stays with this pathetic depressed wife. And now I've also turned into her - pathetic and depressed. I've turned down so many opportunities to meet others, feeling it wasn't fair given I was "committed" elsewhere, and now, nearing 50, I have so much sorrow about the whole thing.
Run far from this misery, those who are contemplating or just beginning!
Question: how do I end it - the affair?
Toronto - Canada
Lorena,
End it. That's how you end it, just do it. Tell him you don't want to ever hear from him again and that's it. It's over. If he shows up or calls, send photos of the two of you to his wife. There is nothing to it, but to do it. Just end it.
Listen to me very carefully - you said he is your soul mate, but he is a liar, a cheater, and has helped make you pathetic and depressed. Think about that. What does that say about your soul, that it's "mate" is that kind of piece of shit.
He is not your soul mate. You're just so used to lying to everyone that you lie to yourself.
It has been several months since my relationship with the married man ended. The day it ended, I wandered to myself "Have I done the right thing"? I realized something. I have never been happier. It took awhile before I started dating and I was lonely and I depended on my friends to keep my head up. I realized the affair was all about the openess I felt and how it tapped into my passion. I am finding that there a lot of men out there with qualities. Single men don't hide you. They show you off! And I am living!
YAY!
affair and divorced, CONGRATULATIONS on taking your life back and shining.
Best to you.
Dear Veronica (and all)
I wrote to you a while back (just scroll up to see my post) as i had been having an affair with a married man. Well since then, things have taken a dramatic turn for the best.....he left his wife and we are now starting a new life together. I truly believe that we were meant to be together, it is not often that you meet someone who really does make your heart flutter. Of course it wasent easy to start with seeing a married man but that bit of hope that we all hang on to and pray for was worth the wait. I am extremey happy and for the first time i feel i have found my true soulmate - yes the critics will beg to differ and i am fully aware of all the possibilities that could re-occur but if you maintain a strong bond, good communication and a healthy sex life then you leave no room for these things to happen again. He had everything to lose and i had everything to gain and now i have the man i adore. He did really love me after all....
Helen,
Thanks for keeping us updated.
I am definitely one of those you mentioned - who believes if he cheated with you, he will cheat on you. And, if your "soulmate" is a liar and a cheater, that says a lot about your soul.
I really wish you clarity, love, and the best of luck in your journey. Please continue to keep us posted.
Veronica
Very interesting article. Very interesting comments too. I followed the link to this from your blog which I am an avid reader.
I was married to my first wife 17 years. I was only 20 when we got married. I thought I would love her forever, but then along came this other woman that totally turned me around. After a 7 year affair, I finally left my wife for the other woman. I was 46 when I married her and she became my second wife.
I thought I would love her forever. We had great sex and great communication. She did nothign wrong. But here I am (I am now 55) and there is a woman I do business with that I can't stop thinking about. I don't know how to divorce my second wife after all she stood by me and waited for me. I do love her. But I am not in love with her anymore. I need some advice because I am just not happy with my wife anymore.
Should you stay with someone you don't love just because you feel guilty? Do women want to be with a man that does not love them?
Robert, thanks for the comment. I'm going to respond with your very own HUB. But first, I sent a survey out to 40 women I know and I'm waiting for all the responses. Check back, I will post the link here when it's done, ok?
I am glad you mention that if the woman wasn't miserable, this would be a little different. I cheated on my wife a few times when we were married and I don't think any of those women were miserable. I never did that bullshit thing saying I loved them or I was leaving my wife. It was just sex, just an escape from my miserable life. They all seemed cool with that.
My husband left me and our two children two years ago. He was having an affair with this whore and moved in with her when he left us. Now he has moved back in with his parents and broke it off with her. I know she thought he would marry her when he left me. Stupid whore. I like in the article how you explain how it is not the wife that is the stupid one. You are so right.
Great comments Veronica!!!. You spoke it true and true!!! I love what you said. She needs to leave that man alone. Nothing good will ever ever come out of that relationship. He will not leave his wife. It' been four years already. All my sympathy goes to his wife. She is in my prayers. I have no sympathy for Lonely. She is in intruder in this marriage. She needs to exit.Lies are built on sinking sand. The foundation will crumble. She needs to find her own man and be happy. I hope she takes your advice. The road head ahead will sad if she doesn't. I hope I didn't hurt Lonely's feelings too bad. But that what she wrote about that man wife is the stupidest thing I ever heard. She doesn't know that woman like that. No hard feelings Lonely but I got to keep it REAL.....
You are wrong as hell!! Ladies if the man is married leave him alone. If you find out later he's married leave him alone. Do you honestly think that your happiness will last if you destroy some else joy. Think about it...
I've been having an affair for 2 years - he has definitely made more of an effort and KEPT promises over the past 3-4 months to spend MORE time with me. He continues to make promises, talks about the future and the only way I justify it (i know...there is really no justification) is because he has NO children. I have 2 girls (they do not know). We (him and me) have plans for Christmas and if something "falls through" I'm gone. He will either SHIT or get off the pot! No...I did not give him that ultimatum, it will be the SILENT make or break. I will know by the end of 2007 if he is the man for me.
For all men and women reading this... During my affair, I was promised everything... The World! The man I had an affair with had a LOT of money. We lived in different states so we scheduled our jobs to meet. His promises involved our 20+ years we would spend together happily married after his divorce. We were dreaming of building a home together and planning our retirement travels.... It didn't happen. The fact is, he had no guts. I found out I can stand up for myself and that is why I moved on. It is hard and leaving the affair felt like my life and future was gone. My goodness, I was 50 years old and I left a marriage. I felt sorrow for his wife and guilt. I took my professional career and moved on. I am now dating a man who is very special to me. He is everything I ever dreamed of. You know, that tall, dark, handsome man you always dreamed about? Well I found him. He/she's out there and compatible to you. If you are married and unhappy, get your divorce and move on. Just don't try to move on with someone who is married. Take charge of your life. I am happy and having the best year of my life and it is 50!
Hello veronica, I am truly enjoying your comments and the input you getting from your readers. I've been with my husband for 3 and half years and all through this turbulent life together, he's been cheating, over and over again. While we were dating, living together, and currently married and have a daughter together. Before we got married, I tried to end it numberous times, chucked his belongings outside our place. And what he did? He came crawling back, crying, texting and calling me begging to be forgiven and be taken back. Being the fool that I was back then, I did. We moved to a new place trying to forget the past, and guessed what he did? HE CHEATED AGAIN, when our daughter was only 4 and half months old. I was driving out of our place to visit a friend, there he was, getting out of this slut's subaru, parked about half a km away from our driveway! Since we lived at our new place, I constantly asked him if he's cheating on me, all his replies were "NO". I actually called that girl that dropped him off for an explanation, she said its been going on for over 3months. We are currently going through separation and I trully want this to end once and for all as my trust towards him is destroyed completely, I've lost all faith in this marriage. I know I will be able to pick myself up, get a job, as I left my last workplace to look after my lil gurl. To me, once a cheater, always a cheater. I also believe in karma, what goes around, comes around....
Moral of this story – never mess with a married and if you are married and your spouse cheats, leave him/her. He/she will cheat again and again. It is just the nature of the beast. Strong person leave a bad marriages, weaker one stay with pathetic excuses. Weakness of attitude become weakness of character - Einstein
How many comments!
Perhaps I might have changed my decision on what?
Hey, prasadjain, where did the rest of your comment go?
Hello All,
I have been involved with a married man for almost a year now. When I met him I was in the process of getting a divorce. My ex lied, cheated and hurt me throughout the entire 13 yr relationship/marriage. This married man claimed he & his wife were in the process of seperating. They were suppose to be finalizing her moving arrangements and additional financial support he would give her. They don't have any children together. He said he wanted children just not with her. As time passed she never left. we live in different states, he promised we would see each other monthly and he's pretty much kept his word. He use to talk of building a life together, getting to know my son, moving me to the same state as him but lately he hasn't mentioned any of that. When I asked if things at home changed he said no. When I asked if why he hadn't mentioned me relocating he said he wanted closure. He did not want to move me to a un-fimilar place until they were truely over. Lately he said he doesn't know what the future will be between the two of them. He says in order for things to work out they both must be willing to make changes. before he would always give in to her needs but she never gave into his and he wasn't doing it anymore. He has told me he loves her but is no longer in love with her. I've asked him to work on the marriage and leave me alone. He says he will never leave me alone. He claims I am a vital part of his life and if he really wanted to work on his marriage he wouldn't be seeing me and he loves me and he see's us being together, growing old together. I am so confused. After my husband repeatedly cheated on me I vowed I would never stoop that low but here I am. I am not a bad person. But I really believed him. Because alot of the things we spoke about I was going through. I wanted out of my marriage 4-6 months before I had the balls to tell my ex. I loved him but I wasn't in love. I didn't want to hurt him either. I don't see this married man as a bad person, he's very kind and gentle. None of my friends or family know he's married so I don't have a support system. I really want to do the right thing and end it but the very thought causes my eyes to fill w/ tears. I never viewed myself as having any major issues but after reading some of the comments posted I'm not sure. This man has treated me better in the past 10 months than my ex-husband did in 13yrs. This is extremly hard and hurts like hell.
Nicole,
I really am sorry it hurts like hell. And I really am sorry you were cheated on in your marriage. But I'm going to be blunt.
Your married man isn't leaving his wife. He's not a good person, telling you he will never leave you alone, costing you vital years of your life and possibility of happiness, continueing to string you along, and lying to his wife. If he cared about you at all, he would want whats best for you instead of being so selfish. The sickest part is that he has you convinced he's treating you well. That hurts me in my heart to read. I am glad you chanced upon this HUB and all the comments, and I really hope you will find the strength to stop this affair.
Best to you.
This is great advice Veronica, and it doesn't even stop in the article! You keep going in the comments and keep on keepin on. You are so understanding and supportive but you tell it like it is. These women really do need to wake the fuck up and realize their married men are NOT going to leave their wives! It's not rocket science!
Once a cheat, always a cheat.
GREAT Hub!!
Thanks for the straight-talk Veronica!!
Thanks also to all who shared their dilemmas . . . It's tough sometimes to "see the forest for the trees . . . " especially when we are so sure we are "in LOVE . . . "
LOVE is not a "feeling" that just mysteriously appears one day. It is the result of many things we "tell ourselves" about the other person/situation/ourselves, etc.
Anyone who spends even a single moment to develope their own personal definition of LOVE, will surely include, among other components, honesty and respect.
Without the key ingredients of honesty and respect, it is NOT LOVE. It might be lust, it might be exciting, it might be diversion, it might be hope, but it is definitely NOT LOVE . . .
"How you win 'em is how you lose 'em!!"
Leave the married men (and women) alone . . .
Raise your expectations of yourself . . .
Blessings to all, Earth Angel
Well I ain't gonna say anything here about what's right and wrong coz we all know that, I am just gonna make it straight and simple. I believe we have two possibilities here to deal with:
First one: I say, u may really love him very much but since he's married it is better to let him go unless the guy and his wife have already agreed they don't want to continue their life together anymore and planned a divorce then this is something else, but you mustn't interfere by any means in this whole divorce scheme, don't play any role, just stay away, wait and see how things progress.
Second one: You really love him very much but have no intentions of leaving him no matter what, let's say you've decided not 2 break up with him them just don't be a factor in damaging his life at home, don't persuade or intimidate him to leave his wife, never.
I do understand it when sometimes a married man or a married woman get naughty, we are all human, we all make mistakes, moreover, I know it is possible that someone falls in love with a married person, temptations are irresistible sometimes (we have to try hard though) but I don't believe in destroying homes. Asking the guy to leave his wife is not acceptable..
Very much thank you for sharing your thoughts with us and wish you always the best .....
hi my
I have messed with married men all my life. Yes it is fun but it also lonely. The bottom line is that he stills goes home to his wife. And if he leaves her for you there will be another you out there. Now i want a husband of my own and it is so hard to find. Payback is something else. I figured that i was a married mans dream because i don't have kids and no drama so it was a getaway for him. I also did everything the wife didn't do, so they loved it. The holidays are the lonliest time. Even though he brings gifts and the sex is good he still can't stay all night and you can't be in the street with him too much because he might get caught. So just remember try to find a man of your own just remember what you won't do another woman will.
Wow Crystal. Thank you. That was a great piece of insight.
Here's a different point of view for ya.Caught my fiance of almost 3 years in an affair this summer.The hoe knew all about me and the kids,caught her online(when using his account) trying to contact him after he'd broke it off.She admitted he was never gonna leave me and the kids,I'd won.Little by little I'd found out about her whining to her coworkers about losing her best friend and her bawling her eyes out at work over him.Well,poor her.She was trying to get several women's men,like she needed pity.What about our kids,what about me?I hope one of the married truckdrivers she's screwing turns out to be a woman beater or worse.Why?Because it is not like she was in the dark and thought my man was single,she knew what she was doing.Not only is he paying for what he did,but if that skank ever shows her face in this town again,I will make damn sure she hurts as much as I did.SO A WORD TO THE MISTRESSES:You better be careful you just may find yourself up against a spiteful,angry,and always watching bitch like me!!You're in a dangerous position,and there are many,many wives/significant others out there that will stop at nothing to get even,and as we all know,women can be very emotionally unstable.Try getting your own man and have a little pride in yourself,get your own man,not second-hand attention.You might be surprised at how much better you will feel about yourselves,because obviously many of you are full of low self-esteem,and feel you cannot find a man of your own because of your inadequacies.
Hi Veronica and all,
First I want to say Thank You for all the comments to my story. It's only been 5 days and I haven't left this married man alone but I am placing space between us. For me saying goodbye will be a process but I will do so.
However, I want to take the time and reply to Gonnagether. I don't mean to be rude but you sound like somewhat of a lunitic. Don't get me wrong I think I speak for alot of women that have found themselves in this situation when I say "WE ARE WRONG" and for that I apologize to you. But Sweetie most of these affairs are started by married men not the mistresses.
I know you found about her while on line trying to contact your fiance but you need to understand he's the real person at fault. This woman owes you nothing. She's not the one who toldl you she loved you, she didn't promise you a future, a family and all the other things your fiance did.So, why aren't you blowing up on the man who lied, cheat, and stole your happiness. In addition, you should never let anyone jeopardize your freedom(Jail) & the possibility of you not being thier for your children.
Again, this woman is wrong and to a certain degree I feel you should fight for your man.... (Not Literally) but I was once you except he was my husband. After this affair there will be another one, and more than likely another one. Then one day you will make up and realize it's not the women and it certainly isn't anything your doing it's him.
This mistress is probably confused and hurt. You've gotta know he's told her he loves her, she makes him happy, you don't understand him the way she does and other BS. I have discovered that married men often brakethe miistress down emtionally. My ex had his thinking I was a really bad person and when I found out about her he made her sound horrible but she did things I didn't. Until one day I we held a very, very long conversation and found she was none of that. She was someone I could have been fond of under different situations.
I know you will probably be ready to hand me my ass on a plate because I have found myself playing a mistress. but I honestly felt his marriage was over. because at the time I had just left mine and I wasn't turning back. So I beleived him when he said it was over and moving arrangements were being made. Then when I finally realized no changes in the situation were being made, I was already deeply in love.
I am only saying this to say before you bull out the vasoline and boxing gloves explore the situation. Find the truth.
hmmm veronica? see perfect stranger much?
euchrefreak55,
I know there is a movie titled "Perfrect Stranger" that I have not seen.
I have no idea what you're talking about.
One thing I noticed about married men trying to get a mistress is that they say rather unpleasant things about their wife - the sex is not good, she's lazy, cold, uncommunicative unloving etc. But a lot of times it's not true. If you really met their wife you would realize how hardworking they are and that they love their husbands very much.
One should never believe a man when he says things like that about his wife. I know in some cases some women can be very difficult to live with, but to me that's no excuse to cheat on them. Maybe he can just tell her the truth, talk to her and explain that "you really get on my nerves" and maybe she will just tone down.
Another thing is even if a man leaves his wife for the other woman, somewhere in the relationship, if things don't seem to be working out, he will resent her. He will blame her for leaving his wife, breaking up the family. Becuase truth be told, the steamy sex, the gifts, the communication, the romantic dinners will die. What then? Would'nt he just go look for it somewhere else again?
The cycle must be broken. Married couples must find a way to improve their relationship if things are not going the way they like. Communication is a key factor. Cheating does not solve anything. It just makes things worse most times.
This has encouraged me to do a hub on marriage and relationships.
There is a man for every woman out there. Just take your time and have patience you will find him.
Well...I did not make it as far as Christmas 2007....I had a bad PMS day and things came flying out of my mouth and the 2 1/2 year back-and-forth relationship with the "man of my dreams" is over. When I am home, knowing that he is spending the day with his wife, I become so angered inside and time makes it worse.
Unfortunately, I also found that my anger trickled down to my children and I have decided that I can no longer be in a relationship that seems SO INCREDIBLE, but at the same time so passively volatile. I do believe this is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life, but deep down, I know by leaving this man, I will find happiness within myself.
This is to all you women/men out there in a relationship with a married person: As much as the cheater MAY want to leave, I'm finally convinced they will not leave. Their spouse, may wisen up and leave the cheater, but there is no need for the cheater to leave his life.
Charity, thanks for checking back with us and keeping us updated. I'm so glad you've ended it.
LisaG thanks for echoing my sentiments. I hope you'll come back and post the link to your new hub so we can all check it out.
I too know how you feel, My H had an E affair for 18 mos. Although I feel it may have been more, I feel I am in denial. We have been married for 28 years, I HATE the piece of SHIT he had his nasty litttle fling with.It has only been 4mos. since I found out, & it was from a voicemail she left on his cellphone. She said sweetheart, I miss you baby, Call me. Then I found a card, W/ My sweet baby, I can hardly wait to see you again, I look forward to getting to know you better. I was DEVASTATED! I actually vomited, & fell to the floor, of course, he did fessup, But said it was just someone to talk to. I think she was just someone to make him feel good about himself, We are truly working on our marriage, He is so hurt that he hurt me this way, He has been a saint since being discovered, he didicall her on speaker phone in front of me to tell her it was over & never to call again. She kept calling, but I checked his voicemails, & it was evident he was not contacting her because she was saying sweetheart, please call me back. Here is my question, Hesaid they only talked for 5-10min each time. Maybe everyother day, Do you think that this Whore would really be satisfied w/ that & do you think they had sex/ She lives in Fla, & has a job as an assistant for a prominent politician She is older than me, & UGLY!! I have been told I resemble Eva Longoria. I am tiny, & Sexy, even he says that! I need to know more, but ever time we talk he says Why cant we just move on, Do you think it was more than a phone buddy, given the fact that she sent him that card, which by the way, he says he told her not to send him stuff like that! But I found it didnt I, In his truck. & also He said w/ he was in T. that he went to dinner w/ his friend & his girlfriend, & WHORE just happened to walk in! Please give me any input.
Hi all,
Being blunt myself...I can't decide if I'm more disgusted with those of you who are married or those of you who are sleeping with the ones who are married! Do you read the things y'all are posting? Most of you sound ridiculous!! You really believe a man/women when they talk trash about their spouse? Come on now people...grown up!
Crystal: You sound proud of the fact that you have "messed with married men all your life." Most women that talk like you get paid by the hour for their services... spreading your legs isn't a special talent honey! How would you know what a man's wife does or does not do?...guess you're stupid enough to believe everything a lying cheating man tells you!
gonnagether: I agree with you! If you continue to stay with your husband after what happened...give him hell! After the hurt he caused you he deserves no less!!
As far as Nicole's response to gonnagether...are you kidding me!!?? You are trying to make yourself feel better and sounding stupid in the process! Just because a married man pursues you does not mean you have to go alone with it! Can you not think for yourself and make your own grown-up decisions? What bothers me the most are those of you who have been cheated on by your spouse...knowing how it felt...then going off and sleeping with someone who is married. Is it hard to sleep at night knowing exactly what kind of hurt and heartbreak you are causing? Both people involved are equally guilty....don't kid yourself. And if any of you were truely sorry for what you are doing, you wouldn't do it! You apologise for things you have done, not things you continue to do as if you don't have a choice in the matter.
Several comments have been made by females here regarding the wives whos husbands you are sleeping with. I'm guessing none of you know the wives personally so I am curious as to how you can talk about them. Does that really make sense to any of you? Men exagerate ALOT! If you were to ask my husband if I am ever a bitch to him, his answer would be yes. But he knows the reason I act like that at times...If he comes home from work and does not want to help me with our children, stays out later with the guys then he said he was going to, or if he tries to take things out on me because he had a bad day...your damn right I'm gonna be a bitch! I don't roll over and take it up the ass from anyone! I don't think anyone should! Point being...I might be a bitch at times but there is a reason!...And if you talked with any of the wives I'm sure they would tell you why they are depressed bitchy or whatever!....one reason would probably be they are married to a cheating asshole!
SO...I'm thinking that all these "innocent" wives out there should know what their husbands are doing. I have emails begging and pleading with the "other woman" to just "hang in there and wait" Why should the "other woman" be the only one to suffer consequences? It is time for the husband to be put on the spot. What does everyone think about sending emails to the wife? At least let her KNOW what is going on and she can either see him later or decide to forgive him. Maybe it will open her eyes to pay attention to the world directly around her.
It is only FAIR, right??
First of all Gonnagether. I never spoke negatively about the man I was involved with wife. NEVER! Sweetie, I didn't do anything to you. I don't even know you.I was apologizing for the hurt you must have been feelings. I was only trying to point out, you sound like a got damn fool threatening a woman for sleeping with a man who wasn't even your damn husband at the time. He hadn't taken any vows to you. You were clearly hurt and flying off the deep in but only sounded EXTREMLY angry at the woman involved and said nothing about the lying cheating man.
Women in general often blame the other woman, are furious at her, call her the whore, the home wrecker and etc.... Decide to stay with the man. And have the nerve to let the man escape the blame. THATS BANANAS!
As far as my situation, I thought this man was telling me the truth. Not ONLY because of what he said to me but because I personally had gone through exactly what he said he was going through. It doesn't make it right and since, I would like to add I ended the affair. Not for her, not for him but fore me. And this HUB is what helped. So, instead of hitting confused woman hard you might just want to state the facts. It actually works. People are human everyone makes mistakes. Most adults know right from wrong but sometimes find themselves making not so smart moves when at certain points in thier lives. And unless you are Jesus Christ himself "Gonnahether" the same applies to you.
Strangly, you say I sound like a fool however, you chose the name gonnagether. Not gonnagethim. Then you make all kinds of threats on your postings. You come across as if you are above alot of the women here but YOUR NOT! If you were you wouldn't be as equally invovled as the others expressing themselveson this HUB. You don't have all the answers because if you did your man would have been home with you and not in the arms of another woman "When you had the right to act like a bitch" attitude. You really sound immature, dumb, hurt and angry. Yes, I agree most men will say they thier other halfs can be a bitch or act bitchy. but instead of you accepting that why not open up the lines of communication calmly and try to work on the issues within the relationship instead of excepting "Your being a Bitch"
One things for sure if you stay on this" I got the right to be a Bitch" path , He will cheat again.
Congratulations Nicole for ending the affair. I guess it must have been difficult, but it was the right thing to do. I am sure you feel much better and relieved.
I personally do not judge you. I know sometimes as humans we get ourselves involved in situations that are clearly not good for us. But once we turn around and do the right thing, we just learn from our mistakes and move on.
I posted this hub on Marriage
http://hubpages.com/hub/How-to-Have-a-Happy-Marria
Thanks for the links, LisaG. They aren't working :( looks like they have underscores in the addys instead of dashes.
People, if you click on LisaG you should get her profile and can find her articles from there if the links directly to them aren't working.
Alright, I fixed it. The one on How to Have a Happy Marriage is working.
Thanks Veronica.
The problem i have with relationships in the so called developed countries is their inability to sustain a relationship simply because all they do during courtship is to have sex and once the sex is good,they get married and after a couple of years divorce is the next thing. Sex is good,infact very sweet but a relationship does not survive on that alone, you need trust and sacrifice on both couple's part is needed.
Are you not really ashamed of the difficulties you bring into the lives of the children that were born during this marriage.I believe the sense of moralty in that society is gone, you see nothing wrong with sleeping with married men or women,you encourage all the things that God frowns against. you turn the use of the things God created upside down and you pray for peace, fight terrorism, when the solution to all this problem lies in your home.If you have a happy home them there is a guarantee that you will have a happy nation.
Infact developement and modernisation used in the wrong way is the course of all our problems.Most people don't believe in God again, you divorce yourself and then remarry another person while you original spouse is leaving. you don't believe in heaven or hell.you are nonchallant.You claim that there is no God but you dance to the tune of the devil, if the devil exists then deffinately there is a God, if evil exist then there must be good. READ THE CONCLUSION IN MY HUB
I used to be one of those women who googled "married men in affairs", looking for answers...ANY sign or indication that my relationship with my "ex" was "the one", the less than 1% of all affairs that actually last. Any sign or indication that my relationship "could" last, I kept close to my heart. But I ignored the thousands of other indications that the affair would never make it. I wanted to believe this was the one, because the lust I felt for him was something I haven't felt since high school. In my mind, it HAD to be true because it felt SO right. The feeling was intoxicating, I waited days, sometimes weeks, for my next "fix" with him. He was like a drug.
Well, newsflash to all the women out there, I recently ended my 1 year affair with a 39 year old married man because he cheated on me "the other woman", with ANOTHER woman. Yeah, so karma came back to bite me in the butt. Don't get me wrong, I deserved it because I threw myself in between a 10 year marriage. The background: he told me a year ago, that he was going to wait until "after the holidays" to get a divorce. He told me he was "separated". He also told me that I was amazing, special, incredible, blah blah blah, and that he wanted to be with me. He told me that if he were single, he would be with me. Everything thats ever been said to women, he's told me. I heard it all. When we were together, he made me feel like a million dollars. The sex was absolutely mind-blowing, the best sex I've ever had.
After "the holidays", his excuses for getting a divorce soon changed to a million other excuses, everything from the slump in the housing market, to his youngest child starting kindergarten. The holidays was spent alone, my birthday was spent alone, and I was lucky enough to receive a card on Valentine's Day. But in my warped and drug-induced mind, the lonely nights was worth the 1-3 hours I got to spend with him a week, if I was lucky. I'll say it again, he was like a drug.
I knew it was wrong and tried ending it so many times, but he always convinced me to take him back. I was addicted. He was an expert at what he did, and I was too naive to realize it. But I almost didn't WANT to believe it. The fantasy world was too intoxicating. I wanted to believe he cared about me, because thats what kept my "high" going, at least temporarily when he was gone.
After months of living this unfufilling fantasy, I knew the only way out was to catch him in one of his lies. The fuse was there, I just needed the ignition to get myself away from him. Like a two-month long chess game, I basically had him cornered. He had no way out when I found out that he was cheating on me with ANOTHER woman. Thats when it all dawned on me, how wrong the affair was, how he was a lying sack of shit, and everything he ever told me was a lie, on top of another lie. I feel so bad for his wife, who is still living in the dark, and will be always tied to this man because she has two children with him. It will probably take her years, if ever, to find out the truth. And when she does, she can never fully end it like I did because of their common children.
Being the better person, I just walked away. No fights, no threats, no fits of sobbing, nothing. I had one last conversation with him, where he continued to lie to me, even though I knew the truth. I sent him one last text message, telling him how much he meant to me and I hope he knows it, and I just walked away. And at that point, I felt sorry for him. He continues to live in the fantasy world, and I was finally free, watching him with pity from the outside.
Ladies, my final word of advice. Do whatever you have to do to get away! Even if it means finding out the truth. If you don't, you'll always go back to him. Find a reason to leave, and never look back. I finally feel liberated, finally knowing that I had the strength to end this horrid relationship. Affairs will never work out. After knowing that I know now, I wish I never started one. This was a good life lesson for me, and I've moved on. I just hope other women out there have the strength to one day do the same. If my story helps just one other woman, my experience wasn't totally in vain.
great post k!!
First of all, thank you to everyone for your stories. I have been involved with a married man off and on for over 3 1/2 years. More off than on. Nevertheless it has completely screwed up my life because he knows just what buttons to push and where I'm vulnerable to him. So guess what....HE F!@#ING LIES to me. He is the MASTER MANIPULATOR! I swear he's a pathological liar and borders on being a sociopath. I have ended it with him sooooo many times after finding out he isn't separated, in the process of a divorce, moved out, blah, blah, blah..... And everytime I do, I'm crying, hurt, angry. Not so much at him, but myself for being such a fool for believing him again. And the guilt for being the "other woman" has all but destroyed me. I know...I deserve it. I should have waited until the divorce was final. He NEVER shows any emotion when I'm hurting and telling him to leave me alone, just calmly tells me to "knock off all the drama". I have just been so pathetic to believe all the lies he has told me everytime. When I've broken it off with him, I have changed my phone number (several times), I have even moved, and he always finds a way to me. He always tells me "he's chosen me", that he'll always be back no matter what I do. I have changed my email, passwords, accounts so many times, I now have to write everything down because there have been so many I can't keep track and HE STILL FINDS ME. I am soooo worn down. I have considered telling his wife and/or his adult children, but don't have the heart to destroy their lives. I soooo want to stop hurting. I am soooo sorry I ever met the man. I'm not even interested in finding anyone else. I just want to feel better about me. I have no support system, as I was too ashamed to admit to anyone I was seeing a married man. The post about your life being in "parts" is so very true. But not just your life; seeing a married man, if you have any conscience at all, fragments your very soul. I'm not seeing him now and he told me "okay" like nothing, like I was/am nothing/no one. God that hurts because I am!!! I just have to consider the source, but when you've been broken down as I ALLOWED him to do, it's incredibly hard. One breath at a time, one day at a time. That's all I can do and hope like hell he eventually forgets about me.
Me-
I've been in your shoes, literally, just weeks ago. One important step I took was opening up to others about my affair with MM. During the darkest time of my affair, I told one of my good friends, mostly out of sheer desparation. And to my surprise, he (and his wife) were sooo supportive!! I also told several of my other friends, and none of them turned me away for my mistake. That meant the world to me, and I would call my friends literally everyday and lean on them for support. Even if you need to open up to us, open up to SOMEONE. Its a huge step in healing. During this affair, you were probably like me, you turned away your friends and family because you were so ashamed. Your MM also probably brainwashed you, telling you that you can't tell anyone beacuse it'll hurt him, and he "trusts" you. Ok, this is no longer about HIM, this is about YOU. Its those people that will support you through this, and your MM is trying to push them away so he can keep you as long as possible. Its his way of controlling you. Don't let him!
Its not your fault that this affair happened, don't ever blame yourself. It takes two to tango. Your MM sounds a lot like my MM: manipulative and subtlety controlling. My MM used to throw the whole "drama" line to me too, saying I was causing more drama in his already dramatic life (i.e. with his wife...) ! We used to get in fights and in the end, I would apologize for causing so much "drama". Please, who brought on the drama by lying to his wife AND me? My MM was so good at lying, I almost didn't want to believe the truth anymore because I knew the truth was SO ugly. I didn't want to believe he was a cheat and liar, I wanted to believe he was my one and only, because that is what he used to tell me.
When life sucks, life is so much better high...until you come down from that. But the truth is, you (and I) were in love with a man you will never have. I realized that first hand when I found out MM was cheating on me! I wasn't in love with him, I was in love with the lies. Reality hit me like a ton of bricks, this is not a relationship, this was an affair.
So, in order to heal, find an anchor first. Whether it'd be friends, family, or anonymous people in the internet. And with that support, one day, you'll find that you'll have the strength to leave. Just know that there are thousands of women out there who feel and understand your pain. Its a long healing process, but I'm confident you'll get through this. And when you do, I guarantee you'll be a better and stronger person! I know I am. Please continue to post here if it helps you heal. I know you'll survive!
k -
Thank you so much for your encouraging words! When I read them I cried and cried. I have felt so incredibly ALONE in all this. I also re-read your original post. Our "MM" is a clone. Apparently they are all the same or at least share the same evil traits.
I have done exactly like you described...I have totally isolated myself. I did that to me FOR HIM. How sick is that???? Like the holidays, when he was supposedly separated, he'd always tell me he'd "try to get away for a little bit", so I'd cut my time short with my family so I'd be available - just to end up sitting alone in the dark. No phone call, no visit. When he'd call after that, he'd tell me he was SOOOO miserable not getting to see/talk to me and that he'd sat by himself and thought about me and wished we were together, blah, blah, blah... It became all about HIM. HIS misery, HIS this, HIS that. Makes me sick to think I did this for almost four years. Every holiday, every birthday, every weekend. I never thought of him as a drug, but maybe that's what it was. I wanted so badly to believe someone cared/loved me. The last year I was with him wasn't like that though. It was just plain miserable for me. I didn't want him to call or come see me and like I said before, no matter what I did, he'd find me. He'd even just show up at my house all mad because I wouldn't answer the phone or return his calls. I just wanted him to leave me alone. I wanted to be away from him and try to heal myself. I have cut up every picture, every note; thrown away every single pitiful gift, there is absolutely NOTHING left to even idicate he was in my life. The worst part of all of this is we work at the same place. I don't see him at work any more (thank God!), but he's there ya know? Because of how distructive this has been I'm even considering a new career/job. I'd loose all the hard work I've done, and maybe that's my punishment, that and the mental anguish/depression I've gone through for so long. I don't know, I just want it to STOP. Writing to this board has been a tremendous release because I have kept everything inside and hidden it all. I wish there was a website where screwed up people like me could chat or email for support. I got involved in this whole mess because I met and believed a man who told me he was separated and in the process of a divorce. I have tried to disappear from his life ever since finding out that's not true and never was/has been. HE is the one who continues to pursue this...NOT ME! I was the wife once and my husband cheated on me with my best friend. I know the other side and I'd never, ever knowingly do that to another woman/family. I'm not judging anyone who's ever believed the smooth talking, glib, charming men who cheat. It's just a really, really, bad, incredibly unhealthey thing.
Me-
Like you, I too work with my xMM, we met at our place of employment. It's very hard, what I did to try to heal was take time off from work. That helped tremendously, in fact, this upcoming weekend is probably going to be the first time I see him at work. for me, it got to the point where the hurt was no longer worth it. I too for months, considered quitting my job! But thats where opening up to others really helps! He's SOO worth quitting your job! In fact, that would probably cause more stress for you. Leaving your work will not make the pain in your heart go away, and you'd be dealing with the stress of a new job and starting over. My friends had to constantly remind me that he is not worth quitting my job, that I'm way better than that. And I know you are too! Imagine starting over, having to learn the ropes, trying to get along with new co-workers, AND dealing with the pain you feel in your heart! Its too overwhelming. So don't quit, don't let him control your life even more. You'll be happy one day that you didn't quit, when you are over your MM and you have another cute, handsome buck waiting for you outside work with flowers! ;)
MM are always about "them". They are selfish beings who have no regard for others. Like you, I too, sat around on holidays and birthdays, wishing and dreaming he could come by. If I was lucky, he'd stop by for 5 minutes. Thats pathetic! When I dare bring up that he doesn't spend enough time with me, I'd get an earful from him, like I should feel lucky that he graced me with 5 whole minutes of his holy presence! I'd talk back to him at first, but then over time, I realized how submissive I became towards him. It was absolutely the unhealthiest thing in the world! We allow this to continue because we let them. Soon, we're brainwashed to think that making our MM happy, makes US happy, even if it means giving up our own happiness.
I can tell just by your post, that you are breaking away. You are starting to realize that the unhappiness outweighs the so-called "happiness". You have support everywhere, reach out and you'll be surprised who grabs on. I leaned on friends and counseling. And then leave this pathetic excuse of a man! You can do it, you're not alone...
K and Me -
Thanks for using this forum for your discussion. It's been very interesting.
I wish you both the best.
Veronica
ok, I just re-read my post, he's NOT WORTH quitting your job! Sorry, was tpying too fast...=T
Wow. I have read every single word. I have been persued by a married man the past 18mths and managed to restrain myself. Just last sunday he propositioned me for the first time, asking to meet the next day. Have to say I have been tempted from day one. It is an ego boost for me and does get the blood racing but I need to stick to my guns. I am worth more than that. I deserve better, we all do. The poor wives and the poor women manipulated by these men. We all just want the same thing.
Well, this morning I finially told him to NO MORE and take care. For the umpteenth time. This time will be different. I have finally found inner strength from all of you. I cannot thank you enough. Especially "k" and Veronica who has this board. I will check back here every day and read and reread every word so I NEVER forget. I honestly feel like the weight of the world has been lifted from my shoulders. Now I just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other. And Joanne....Dear God....DON'T DO IT!!!! Please learn from us. If I never find someone to love again, it is infinitely better than feeling like shit all the time. Again - Thank you to everyone who posted here.
i aggree. he aint the trust worthy type. hes cheating on his wife who he loves so dear . what a load of crap he do the same to u too when u aint giving him the sex he needs . u go and divorce ur hubby if it aint right. but find someone who can fullfill ur needs. and who loves only u . he will never leave is wife for you. ur just giving him what he aint getting at home. fuck him off and ur hubby if it aint working go find the person that loves only you .all the best.
Hey all, thank you for your words of kindness. I just want my experience to give others the strength to move on. I've learned so much about others, and myself this past year! I've realized from experience that MMs are pathetic, self-centered losers. I've lost so much of myself the past year, I'm just now starting to care for myself again. I took up some new hobbies, re-skindled some lost friendships (some as a result of xMM), and even dating again. I've found a lovely new guy, whom I really enjoy being around, and I'm looking forward to where this new relationship might go.
Work still sucks because i see and hear from xMM. But he's not worth quitting my job over! And just a quick update, xMM is trying SO hard to come back into my life! He's back to his old bag of tricks, calling, leaving text messages, etc. And here's what I've learned, ladies...they will say or do anything to get you back...because it worked a gazillion times before!! All they know is their old tricks, because its what theyre comfortable with, and because they know how to exploit our vulnerabilities! They think, "Well, if I do exactly what I've been doing, she'll come back, she always does...I'll get some again." It's called "fishing", he throws out the "bait", because he thinks you'll hook it like you always do. If you throw out the "bait" for him, does he hook it? Probably not, because unfortunately, the relationship (AKA affair), is on his terms, not yours, and he knows it! Take back control now, because I'm telling you, its the most refreshing feeling ever! Leave quietly and with dignity, and let him know you're serious. He will probably try harder to come back, but the ultimate revenge will be when he realizes that he's lost you for good. Who's the one crying at home now??
The trick is to recognize his true colors, the "pathetic, self-centered loser" that he is. Not just recognize it, but feel it in your heart, so much that it almost burns. Me, being the better person, I don't accept his pathetic advances, nor do I bitch him out either. I just kindly refuse his request, and then ignore any further contact. Let me tell you, it makes me see the real him, the pathetic loser that he really is. And on the flip side, I can tell it drives him absolutely NUTS. It drives him crazy that he's lost me, and I'm ok with that. Because he is NO LONGER my problem!! The fact that he lost his booty call, is NO LONGER my problem. It's his! Dump the weight of the affair on him, its not your weight to carry!
Find it within yourselves to leave! You can do it...
very interesting posts from all sides of the coins, i have been very close friends with a married man for nearly a year we have not slept together or even kissed, we have met for coffee and enjoyed times together and have both admitted that we have strong feelings for each other, he is very un happy in his marriage and has been for 3 years after forgiving his wife an affair for the sake of his children, he has been married and faithfull for ten years, my view is that if your truly un-happy you should move on you can still be a good parent and support your ex partner, i dont think anyone has the right to judge people for what they do, we are responsible for our own choices we make in life not other peoples, we can offer support and advice but i think its wrong when people are calling others names such as whore or asshole !!
Well...I still think it is not a bad idea to "let the wife in" on what their husbands are REALLY doing and to ROCK their worlds like they have rocked ours. I have two in particular emails out of 100 I plan on mailing to her - I think she has a right to know and I think he deserves a little rocking of his own. Even if she keeps him, he may think TWICE before doing it again.
I know he is cheating! He is cheating on his wife with me (or WAS). I just wanted a survey of WHO thought I should send emails to the wife. Yes, it would hurt her, too, but....I think she has a right to know and I think he needs to COME CLEAN! I have ended it, but....I still hurt and want him to feel what I feel. I just wanted some feedback on what people thought about sending stuff to the wife to ROCK the cheating husband a little bit...maybe he will think TWICE before doing it again.
Charity,
Just my humble opinion...I don't see any sense in hurting someone who is completely innocent, i.e., the wife. I'm sure it would make you feel better initially, but only for the short term. I think that would fade and you'd still be left to deal with the hurt you have now. He'll get his...you may never know about it, but he will.
Sorry....my cat helped me post too soon :) As they say..."Karma's a bitch". Being involved with a married man was wrong from the get go for both. I knew it and did it anyway. I paid with wasting almost four years of my life, losing alot of my self-esteem, lots of guilt, and settled for sharing a man. NOTHING AND NO ONE IS WORTH THAT!!! (I can say that on hind sight) I sure as hell wouldn't want to be the catalyst that possibly tears a family apart on my conscience on top of all that. You're not going to change him. If he can change at all that has to come from somewhere inside him. Just my 2 cents...
i am seeing and in love with a married man, we were dating for 4 months before i found out he was married because his wife emailed me... he is an incredible liar... we have been to therapy to discuss our problems.... somehow i am continuing this relationship... i am in a daze here... we are in love and share an incredible bond, his wife knows he sleeps around... i dont know, i feel so confused. i am a professional person with a great career, i have been lying to most of the people in my life who know i have this boyfriend, because i was so happy about us in the beginning... we are on the phone all day and email constantly, i see him everyday, we have gone on a few trips, he spends the night when he can, uggggg im so confused, i do not ask him to leave his family, it is not my place to do so, he says he is not in love with wife but will not leave her with their kids, he talks about getting his own place and separating from her, but i am not sure if he will do so ever...i think what happened here is that he lied to me and by the time i found out the truth i was in way too deep, i forgive him for lying, i found out he had several other chicks besides me and he has broken off with them... the ove we have is real but the circumstance is impossible, i am having trouble leaving the love we have, breaking up would be so so painful. i realize that most likely we have no real future, and untilmately i do not trust this man... this does not mean i dont love him...i feel badly about his wife even if they do have a quasi open marriage, their relationship is not too much of my buisiness, i just wanted to add my story here...
charity, I used to think that contacting the wife would be a great idea, the ultimate revenge. Now, in retrospect, I'm glad I didn't. I was one mouse click away from sending her an e-mail, but my friends talked me out of it. In my opinion, it'll make things worse. Who's to say the wife will even listen to you? Or maybe she knows and doesn't care. You don't need the extra burden, In my opinion, its not worth it.
this website is a great..i think!!!! I am one of the idiots who is in love with a married man. Sorry about the name calling, but I know that all of you dating married men ask yourself this questions everyday "am I an idiot for listening to what he tells me". I know I ask myself that question nonstop...thats why we are all here...we are reading all of these posts HOPING to find someone who supports us, agrees with us, and someone that this has really worked out for BUT even though we will not admit it, we KNOW the truth, what we are doing is not healthy...we are giving everything we have to a man who is not even willing to give us even half of himself and then we wonder what WE are doing wrong, why WE are not good enough...I know tht by being with my MM, i am settling but I cannot leave...like everyone else, I am in love! I have broke up with him several times, dated single men with whom I had horrible dates, and then go running back to my MM telling myself that at least the small amount of time spent with the MM is good. aagghh...i dont even know what it is i am typing. I get so flustered over this situation because I really do want to leave him but something keeps pulling me back. Everytime i think i have the stregnth to leave, he does something that makes me think all of the sacrifices are worth our time together..only to get disappointed agian. Soooooo, i began to justify it to myself: telling myself that I am only with him for "fun" and that I am not in love, telling myself that I will date on the side but keep him around until i find something better...it never works out like that, I always end up comparing my dates to my MM and the MM wins. I know what i am doing...we all do...even though we all believe we are in love (and we just might be) we need to stop fooling ourselves because WE all ready KNOW know the truth...that we will NOT end up with them. I really learned this yesterday, thanksgiving, I spent the entire day alone...lonely...I texted him, emailed him, called him...guess what?...No answers...Then today he played mad at me because I know his situation and I am going to cause drama...I APOLOGIZED!!!!...afterwards I realized how pathedic I am...I APOLOGIZED...am I kidding myself....thats pathedic!!!! So, as you can tell, I am struggling with leaving him....Im working on it, really...i geuss Im through the first step...Im no longer in denial...hopefully this site will support me through the rest of the steps...good luck to all of the mistresses out there..I feel your pain, hopefully we can all get through this together :)
Oh yea...to all of the wives, even as hypicritcal as this seems: I AM SOOO SORRY!!!! My MM does not talk badly about his W. He tells about problems in thier marriage but has never said a disprespectful word towrds her. I never wanted to hurt anyone, I don't want to hurt her, the sad truth is, that from what I know about her, if we ever met, we would probably end up being good friends...I PROMISE ALL OF THE WIVES...I M LEAVING HIM, I AM...IM TRYING REALLY HARD. Please be open minded, its not like i searched out my MM, he pursed me for over a year and we got together while they were seperated (she left him). I never would have done this if I realized the pain I was causing everyone (including myself...Thats why I am here...Im trying to stop, I really am...please dont judge me just support me, I really want to hear what the wives have to say..someone mature and open minded...please no name calling...I know that I have fucked up and trust me, I have called myself enough names all ready...
These stories hit home for me, for the past month I have been seeing a man who told me he was "getting a divorce". Now the "divorce" no longer comes up and guess what? I don't even have his phone number!! He calls me and his number is BLOCKED! How humiliating is that? And each time I try to break it off with him he comes over with some wine or makes dinner for me or takes me out..this is bad. All of your comments have inspired me to write a poem-I will post it as soon as I type it up.
Audacityofhope,
I know its easier said then done, but leave now...before you get in too deep!!!! At leaset your not tempted to call. Can you imagine how much harder it gets after months or even years and you do have his number and when you call you get forwarded to voicemail (because you know hes with the W). Can you imagine knowing where he lives...its hard to not give into the temptation to drive by just to see if their bedroom light is on....GET OUT NOW, before you fall far in love and end up hurting yourself...wow, I sure do sound like a hypocrit...
how do you leave someone you love ? i understand that this is amoral ect, but the love is strong and he treats me so well, like a great boyfriend, publicly and privately and he is like my best friend as well, how do i break this bond, as i said earlier, my guy basically tricked me for the months that ot took to win my heart before i found out the dreaded truth... ok, upon finding it out i becasme complicit by staying, i am equally at fault... but how do i leave this man who i love with all of my heart...
Private Call
You held my hand and made me smile,
You made this head-strong girl
Weak.
You cooked me dinner and played with my kids,
You rubbed my back,
You know what you did.
You told me I make you happy
and that you’re getting a divorce.
I thought I got so lucky
Meeting you at such a crossroads in your life-
But tonight…
You still have a Wife.
Thought it was matter of time, I could wait it out.
But how can I Wait
for something
that will Never come?
I
Can’t
Do
This
Any
More.
You call me when you want to talk,
said we’d go out Saturday.
But Saturday…
my phone did not ring.
Sunday’s fog almost choked me.
Memories of our earthquake nights
Shook me.
You took me.
But now,
I take myself Back.
I told you that you could not hurt me,
I said that I am grown.
But at night
Still
I am Alone.
I listen to your stories about your hard, hard life.
I want to see you
and kiss you
and hold you tight.
But tonight…
You still have a Wife.
Thank you for the attention,
You make me feel so special.
For 90 minutes,
And then
you have to go.
Thank you for the cookies and the coffee,
That really made me happy.
But soon that’s gone
and
You go Home.
Again
I am Alone.
Do you think this is the way I want it?
Have you ever thought of me?
I Don’t Want To Be Your Secret.
I don’t want you to be my Secret.
What I want is a man I can introduce to my friends
Who will take me out and hold my hands.
I. Can’t. Do. This. Any. More.
You told me you don’t want to meet my crazy family any way,
That you don’t want any more kids.
You told me this isn’t going anywhere,
That this is just How It Is.
You said we’d go out Saturday
but Saturday came and my phone
did not ring.
Ask me how a blind person knows what is there
Without seeing.
You told me without telling me that you are Not what I want.
Now you tell me you will wait to separate until after the holidays
But you never asked if I will wait until after the holidays.
Thanksgiving,
my Birthday,
Christmas and
New Year’s Eve…
Those holidays I’ll spend alone,
I Am Not Naïve.
So continue paying her bills
and holding her at night
and asking your kids if their day was alright.
Because I’m telling you without telling you-
Don’t bother calling me at all,
I will no longer answer
when its says “Private Call”.
thanks Agghh for your words of encouragement. I realize that ever since my divorce the only men I have "dated" have been attached-either "separated" or "getting" a divorce. I see that I have been so stupid. I have never been to any of THEIR houses-they have come to mine. Married men don't even fucking wear rings any more, and they will say any thing to make you fall for them. I am beautiful, educated and have a really good job, but all of that doesn't matter when you feel like shit. I feel like there is something wrong with me bc I only attract married men....
you guys have to watch this...it gives me strength. I know its country but bare with it...its definitly worth watching:
AudacityOfHope....WOW!!! What a phenomonal poem. Reading that was like looking in a mirror. Thank you. As for Sugarland's "Stay", I used to just break down and cry when I heard it. Now I just get tears in my eyes. Maybe I'm getting better. God knows it's still incredibly hard. I have to ask everyone/anyone....Do you ever second guess yourself? My relationship with a married man has changed so much of me. I don't trust anybody. I'm so afraid of getting hurt again, I can't even think about being with someone. Have I lost my mind? I tell myself this is some sort of self defense mechanism and will go away in time. But it still keeps me isolated on a level, just like he did ya know?
Dear Me,
I'm so glad you liked the poem...
agghh I had never heard of Sugarland before, I enjoyed that song so much.
I think it is clear, being someone's secret is really degrading. Being in a secret relationship with a married man makes you subconciously think you are not good enough to be his official woman. Somehow we then translate this feeling into: "maybe I'm not good enough to be ANYone's official woman!" This is totally ridiculous. All I know is I need a real man, someone who will take me to the hospital if I am sick or who will watch my kids if I need to run to the store or who will help me cook dinner and wash teh dishes. THIS is a real man, not someone who comes over to hump!!! we are so strong ladies, we can kick these charmers to the curb. This is the only way to make room for real love to walk into our lives.
ME,
I used to feel the same but I am starting to loose those feelings. You see, I think that this sick game we are playing would cause anyone to have those feelings. I mean we are giving these men everything we have and getting shit in return. We start to think it is our fault but it is not. I mean, it is our faults for being in these situations but just by being on this forum shows we are trying to fix this. We will have normal relationships one day, with men who love us, and only us...with real men...
A REAL MAN: someone who will want to spend the holidays with me, someone who wants to hold me in there arms ALL night, someone who doesnt have thier best friend call me telling me his wife has his phone when hes in the hospital, someone who doesnt ask me not to wear makeup because he is afriad it will run off o his shirt...this is definitly not my man!!!! I hope you dont mind me writting alot right now but I feel like venting a bit. Yoo see, my situation is a bit different then everyone elses here: I met my MM 2 years ago, we were nothing more then acquiantances. There was a physical attraction from the beginning but nothing ever happened because I knew he was married. eventually we lost touch. Months later, ran into eachother and he was single. His wife moved across the globe. They were no longer together. At first I was weary so we became friends, A few months later we started dating. i almost even lived with him at his apartment. I drove his car. I took his dry cleaning in. we vacationed together. He would cook dinner, I would clean. We went to dinners everynight and I was introduced to all of his friends and his father even knew of me. This went on for 6 happy months..we were the couple that everyone evied because we were so in love!!!! Our eyes lit up when we were together and he would never let go of my hand. Then he went on a buisnnes trip to another country. On the way back he stopped to visit his x and thier baby. He was devastated that his baby cried everytime he pick him up. He decided he coulldnt live without his baby and it killed him that his child was accross the world. He came back from his buissness trip with his wife and baby. Initially, thats when I broke up with him. i didnt want any part of it. But the nights of him begging at my door and the endless phone calls about how i am the pure love he alwys dreamnt of, how he needed me in his life, how he didnt want to loose me...i gave in and whalaa...its now been 3 months of me dating a MM. I have broke up with him numerous times and somehow always end up with him. When we are together I think that the small amount of time we spend together is worth the pain that i feel, at times like now...laying in bed with thoughts of him and HER laying in the bed I used to lay in with him...it makes me nasuea. At first i would have nightmares and wake up vomitting at the thought of him with her. I dont know id=f its a good thing or a bad thing that those dreams stopped. Anyhow, these relationships that we are in definitly make us reevalute ourselves constently. I have decided that, maybe, deep down we are just afraid that we wont find anything better...maybe we are afraid of being lonely...but look at us..typing to each other (strangers) on some forum...I dunno but I sure think that that is lonely..so are we really winning? My MM has never lied to me. He doesnt promise me he will leave her. He has said that he wont. He does say that they dont get along but knows thats a part of an realtionship. he has even told me that if she left him agian, that it wouldnt mean that I would replace her. He says he would want to be single. So maybe I am more stupid then anyone else here...at least you MM are giving you hope...mine doesnt...yet I am still around. HHHmmm...anyways...i know this was long...thanks for allowing me to share my story. Oh yes, and i have met this other guy, he seems really nice, single, and sexy...he wants to go out on a date...can someone please help me explain why I keep turning him down because i feel guilty because i am "committed" to my MM who is "committed" to his wife??????
WHY THE FUCK ARE WE SETTLEING???????????
hE JUST TEXTED ME "GOOD NIGHT, I LOVE YOU"...WOW, i AM SUCH A LUCKY GAL...HAHAHAA..AS MY LAST POST SAID ....WHY THE HELL ARE WE SETTLEING??????????????
go out with the other guy, dont be crazy or more crazy than we already are
see what its like to be with someone who is available, dont feel guilty, that is fantasy guilt because you wish it was a real relationship where u would feel guilty, it is a fantasy for him and thus for you, but we women miss out on having someone to go home when our fantsay sessions of love end... these guys get it all and we are the on the side chciks that they know will stick around becuase we are victims, hero women dont eat shit...come on girls lets be heros to ourselves, fucking a amarried guy a few times is ehhhhhh, but being with one, pretending to be theor girlfriend...no good ladies. i dont know how im gonna leave mine, we happend to be very very close friends and in love but in a fantasy world
sure in public he kisses me and holds my hands, my friends think he is my boyfriend, he says he is , he says we will be together forever, he wants us to have a baby soon...but he wont leave his family a mess, i find this heroic in ways, but it sucks for me.
i live this james with all of my soul, us together naked in bed cuddled and sexually entwined feels life heaven, a heaven i want to prolound
UGGHH,
THANKS, IT
ugh, thanks..I ACCEPTED THE DATE!!!!
and..i didnt text my MM back last night...and geuss what, he couldnt stand it...he texted me numerous times today including first thing in the morn..isnt it amazing how he found the time today...im sure he spent the entire night wondering why i didnt jump and return his text right away, like ussual. Funny how things change when the tables are turned. Im starting to feel stronger but I know that it wont last because we have a vacation planned for this weekend...or maybe it will make me see that i am worth being with everynight and not just planned vacations...we will see. I get more disgusted with my actions daily AND this site has helped alot...i dont feel so alone...thankyou guys!!!!
ugh, thanks..I ACCEPTED THE DATE!!!!
and..i didnt text my MM back last night...and geuss what, he couldnt stand it...he texted me numerous times today including first thing in the morn..isnt it amazing how he found the time today...im sure he spent the entire night wondering why i didnt jump and return his text right away, like ussual. Funny how things change when the tables are turned. Im starting to feel stronger but I know that it wont last because we have a vacation planned for this weekend...or maybe it will make me see that i am worth being with everynight and not just planned vacations...we will see. I get more disgusted with my act
Isabella Snow says:
13 months ago
The problem with dating a married man, is that once he divorces his wife and proposes to you, you'll spend the rest of your relationship worrying if he's cheating on YOU.
Not worth the headache!
Leave the married men alone, they have issues!