The devastation of the swine flu virus known as A/H1N1 hit home today in Afghanistan. The tragedy unfolded in a shocking and near brutal manner as the only known pig in captivity in Afghanistan was incarcerated today. Zoo officials built a cell to hold the possible carrier of the virus, affectionately known by some as “Bob”.

“The offending pig has been quarantined until further notice”, said one Taliban Cleric who wished to remain anonymous. “It would be a sin against Osama, er, Allah to contract such a virus in a nation of believers that does not eat pork! We need for this problem to just go away!” The words of this cleric were very nearly prophetic as an attempt to do just that was narrowly averted today when a would be suicide bomber slipped in the mud and fell down just a few meters from the holding pen. “If it hadn’t been for all of Bob’s wallowing after the rains this may have ended in tragedy.” Said one Zoo official who wished to remain anonymous. “On a more positive note”, continued the official, “It looks like Bob will have an even bigger hole to wallow in now.”

This is not the first time rebel fighters have failed to kill a Kabul Zoo animal.  One of the fighters during the 1992 civil war climbed into the lion pit and was immediately eaten.  His brother returned the next day and threw a hand grenade at the lion but failed to kill it as well.  The lion, known as Marjan (which roughly translated means “ate your brother”) died of old age in 2002.

Nevertheless, the incarceration of Bob has some Kabul residents on edge. “Is there no shame?” cried one resident who wished to remain anonymous. “I mean, if this can happen to Bob, what’s next? My God what’s the world coming to?” An opium dealer who wished to remain anonymous had brought his children from western Afghanistan to see Bob. “This is my, ummm, well, uhhh, third or fourth trip to see Bob, man. I used to love to like, uhhh watch him wallow and walk around and grunt and uhhh, hey man, you gonna finish that slice of pizza?”

The pig was a gift from the Peoples Republic of China just before the outbreak of the virus. “There is no known correlation between this and the drywall, or toothpaste, or children’s toys. There are no similarities whatsoever.” said a Chinese Ministry of Health official who wished to remain anonymous. He also pointed out that the Chinese government had been proactive during this virus, incarcerating 70 Mexicans, 26 Canadians and four Americans in the past week. “We would have shot, er, executed safety measures on Bob had we known he possibly had this virus.”

Department of Homeland Security is taking no chances where Bob is concerned.  Janet Napolitano held a press conference today on the steps of the Capitol.  “There is no place for this possibly,could be, might have the flu, swine in our country.  I have issued a national health emergency notification to all our Fusion Centers. All ports of entry into the United States will now take 2 additional hours to pass through while DHS officials search luggage for the possibility of swine smuggling.” Said Napolitano.  When asked about the measure specified in the document that calls for the immediate termination of Bob should he be sighted in the US, Napolitano apologized for this oversight and said she wished she had seen that before the report had been leaked to the press.  “If it was me” said Napolitano, “I would have worded it differently.

Bob appears to be safe for the moment.  The Kabul Zoo officials who wish to remain anonymous have taken extra measures to assure Bobs safety. Concrete barriers are now in place at all main entrances to the zoo and razor wire tops the wall at Bob’s pen.  Still, this reporter can barely stand to see Bob’s face as he looks through the crack in the doorway longingly for his new mud hole.  And let us hope this terrible Swine Flu claims no more zoo residents. – filed by anonymous