I know many of my friends won’t be surprised that I am admitting to having a mental illness. I have made no secret that I struggle with depression and anxiety but I rarely discuss my battles with agoraphobia. To be honest I was diagnosed with having a mild case and have been encouraged to leave my house and go somewhere, anywhere; the psychiatrist said she just wanted me to get out of the house and not spend days without living the confines of my home, not even going outside to get the mail. This disorder has caused me to feel very lonely at times.

For those of you who don’t know what agoraphobia is all about here's  WEBMD’s definition, “ A mental disorder characterized by an irrational fear of leaving the familiar setting of home, or venturing into the open, so pervasive that a large number of external life situations are entered into reluctantly or are avoided; often associated with panic attacks.” I also found another definition from WEBMD which clearly outlines my personal struggles with this disorder. “A word that come from a Greek word that actually means fear of open spaces such as the market, or agora. This fear involves intense fear and avoidance of any place or situation where escape might be difficult or help unavailable in the event of developing sudden panic-like symptoms. Current estimates are that 3.2 million American, or about 2.2 percent, may have this phobia; however, it is difficult to know just how many people suffer from it because they may not come to the attention of health care professionals. People who suffer from this phobia may find it extremely difficult to leave their homes to shop, attend entertainment or sports events, keep medical appointments, or pursue education or a career. They are, quite literally, prisoners in their own homes. For many people, this phobia may have been precipitated by a panic attack in some place away from their home. The panic induces the fear and the fear is attached to whatever place the attack took place. This phobia may start in childhood or even older adulthood and seems to be more prevalent in women than men. Risk factors include genetic predisposition, anxious personality, stress, and substance abuse.”

My issues began around my sophomore or junior year of college.  I can’t recall what triggered my anxiety but it crippled me for a semester and it has flared up again recently. Thankfully my agoraphobia is a mild case and the symptoms seem to be lessened by anxiety medication. I am able to leave my house but some days the anxiety doesn’t allow me to leave. I miss doctor. appointments quite frequently because of my anxiety. I constantly cancel outings with friends due to the fear that I cannot explain. I hate going to places where there are large crowds. The worst situation for me is being in a large crowd in a small place. When I am in crowds I feel that people are staring at me, judging me and not liking me. I start feeling that something bad is going to happen to me that will cause me to be humiliated and ridiculed. Just being around people and in public trigger these feelings.  Nothing has to happen but I will still become anxiety ridden. Also it seems that I do better leaving the house for unscheduled events. If I have a doctor appointment scheduled I will obsess over the appointment and worry until I cancel it. I cannot explain what it is that causes me to be anxiety ridden. It seems that anything, I feel I have to do causes me distress. I feel enormous pressure when something is expected from me especially when the expectation is for me to leave my home. I have gotten to the point now where I let my mother schedules all of my appointments and I do not know about them until the last minute. This has worked for me on occasions but there are times when this fails as well.

The disorder is a strange beast. In some ways the condition has traces of narcissism in it. What I mean is that most times when I have these panic attacks I feel people are staring at me. Rationally, I know this is not true but inside it is a different story. I tell myself that I’m not important enough for strangers to stare and be critical of someone they do not know. Also I have noticed that my anxiety levels change based on who I am with at the time. I seem to be more at ease when I am with my best friend, Francki, or with my cousin, Nicole. If I try to go out with my mother the anxiety is very high. My mother is a very strong person who handles many tough issues, but when I am with her I feel that I need to protect her, protect her from what I do not know. When I am with Francki and Nicole I don’t feel they need my protection and I am not as scared and feel less pressure. I am encouraged by my mental health workers to make sure I leave my home in some way every day. I was told that if I don't the agoraphobia will get worse. I need to work on defeating it now while it isn't so bad that I can't function. I admit that this has not happened yet. Sometimes I will not leave my apartment for days at a time. I try to get out and so I make plans but at the last minute I will feign illness or make up anything else to get out of whatever it is I have planned. I am never questioned because I am ill a lot due to the Lupus.

Whenever I do venture out it is incredibly scary at first; usually I have to take medication prior to leaving, but the longer I am out the better things get. I try to remind myself of this when the anxiety flares up but that doesn’t seem to help. This condition is so frustrating and not enough people know about it or really understand. Many times when I try to talk to my friends and loved ones about the anxiety they do not understand and think I am being melodramatic. This response usually sends me back inside for days before I try to venture out again. I do realize how ridiculous this all sounds but it has seriously hampered my life and caused me to miss out on many things.

I decided to write this article hoping that it will help with the awareness of this mental illness. I have found it helpful to talk with other individuals who have similar issues. It helps to know that you are not alone and that others have gone through and are going through this battle with an anxiety disorder.