Telling an alcoholic that they need help may not always work. Part of this disease is that the person afflicted has a huge reserve of denial working for them. They will point out addiction in everyone else, but they refuse to believe it of themselves.

As a wife of a 50-year-practicing-alcoholic, I've sought answers and solutions. I have come to believe that this is an illness, but it's a wily creature and it doesn't give up easily.

In this case, just sit your alcoholic down and say these words, "I believe that you are an alcoholic." Your alcoholic will say he or she isn't and then get mad. This is because they are often on the defensive and will do or say anything to protect their addiction. The more you deal with it, the less you find you can control alcohol.

It's always good to come to this discussion with proof - times they have gone over social limits, been handed DUI tickets from the police, missed work or important commitments, asked you or someone else to call in sick for them when they are hung over. They will deny most of this or shut you out. My husband likes to read the newspaper when I try to discuss anything with him. It's an effective way for him to say that he simply could care less what I'm saying.

We as loved ones want to help and want to cure and want to confront. None of these things work very well and they usually leave us feeling angry and frustrated. Better to take care of ourselves and find out what we can do to either stay in the relationship or leave it and never look back.

Ask yourself, did you cause this alcoholism; can you cure it by yourself? I was personally caught up short when someone suggested that I was an arrogant woman to think that I could control someone else's behavior. It's true; I cannot be that person who stops my alcoholic from drinking. I can choose to stay in the relationship and love that person, but refuse to become codependent to alcoholic behavior. I don't have to enter into fruitless discussions about how his drinking is affecting our lives. I can, however, take myself away to a happier place, go to Alanon meetings because that works for me, and read about the causes and possible cures for this progressive and fatal disease.

Before you actually have that discussion with your loved one, educate yourself. Understand that if you are rejected or face anger from your beloved other, you cannot take it personally. That's the most difficult part and although you know in your mind that you could no more be angry at someone suffering from cancer, it seems so much more personal when you deal with alcohol. You are angry at them and they wil you for pointing out the flaws.

This doesn't mean you shouldn't open a dialog about alcoholism. You can make suggestions and maybe you will be dealing with a rational individual that was hoping for help. In the case of some alcoholics, it is beyond their nature to be able to respond and they will die of their disease. Try not to assign a moral compass to these people, and please remember it is better to be the wife, husband, girl or boy friend, even sibling of an alcoholic than to be that person. At least you are actively trying to make a change but it can ony be in yourself.