Lately, I have been thinking of myself as being afflicted with an interesting identity syndrome. I'm concerned about the passion I have for my profession. Am I just lucky to have a job I love? Why do I love embalming, funerals, and driving the hearse so much? I get so much satisfaction from helping grieving families, but am I happy to be doing them a service, or could it be that I'm happy to be surrounded by so much love and emotion all of the time?

Interesting questions to ponder, but they have me worried. In fact, a thought came to me in the shower... could it be that I'm a goth punk trapped in a preppy body!? Before I jump to any conclusions, I have decided to research the goth and emo subcultures and decide if that could really be true. After all, I don't know much about either one except that they have cool hair, they're pale, and they wear a lot of black. But what makes goth and emo, "goth" and "emo"?

What is your first impression when you see one of these people? Do you look at the black unflattering clothes and spiky colored hair and think of the person as a weird outcast? Unfortunately, that is the stereotype that has endured the test of high school. You remember them. They didn't care about being socially accepted and they were generally very artistic. Because of their introverted personalities, everyone thought of them as strange. Now, even years after their high school days, people still look at them the same way. As if they momentarily lapsed back into their awkward adolescence. Stereotypes aside, what are these goth and emo people really like?

Princeton defines the word like this..."peasant; a crude uncouth ill-bred person lacking culture or refinement". To me, this relates to the old Victorian days. I suppose that's where the Victorian-style jewelry, corsets, dresses the goth kids wear comes from. "Goth" then became a popular identity in the 1980's music scene. Since then, the word "goth" has come to define a modern subculture.

The only way to explain it is to use the descriptives that goths themselves provide. They tend to describe themselves as being socially unaccepted free-thinkers. They also think of themselves as being more open and accepting of people. Society might think that their musings are odd, but they like philosophy, religion, death, music, and mysticism.

After learning this, I realized that I'm probably not a goth trapped in a preppy body. I mean, I am socially accepted (ex-fashion model & rodeo queen). But then again, I consider myself to be an open thinker that contemplates death and religion a lot. But maybe that's because of my job. So, maybe I'm emo. What the hell is emo?

Following in the same style, emo is a sort of emotional hardcore punk music. It just so happened that the people that perform this type of music tend to look similar. They wear indie-punk clothing and have weird haircuts that usually cover most of their faces. Some people describe them as wussy for being more in touch with their emotions. Emo punks tend to be more dramatic and worried about life. Emo has since become a cultural identifier rather than a genre of music.

After learning this, I decided that I'm more "goth" than "emo". They wear cooler clothes :)

Goth clothing is usually all black and can be very Victorian and boast dark bold colors like black, deep purple, maroon, and so on. Corsets and long dresses are popular with the girls, while baggy black pants and chains are popular with the dudes. They have developed a more recent style that includes leather and shiny metal studs.

Most people think that they dress that way out of some sort of vampire fetish. That's probably not entirely true. Maybe they dress that way because they like darkness so much and stay up late at night.

Uh oh, I have tons of Victorian gowns! Literally! And as for the studded accessories, I have lots of that too. I also wear mostly black all of the time, but that's just part of my mortician "costume" for work. Corsets. I love my Victorian corsets. Love, love, love them! Still, I don't think I'm a goth trapped in a preppy professional body. Am I?

I guess that the only way I could find out for sure whether or not I'm a goth trapped in a preppy body would be to immerse myself in the dark subculture. I could don the black clothes and tall lace-up combat boots. I could wear the pale foundation and bring out my transparent complexion with black eyeliner and dark lipstick. Then I could join an online goth chatroom to find out more about the goth scene and even find some local people. Then I could travel a few minutes to a metropolitan area and go to a goth club to see what it's all about. Since they think they're so "accepting" of others and open minded, maybe they will take me under their wings and show me the ropes. I guess that's the only way to know for sure. Or, I can just keep pondering my plight and enjoy my life as a happy-go-lucky preppy mortician chick. I do have a huge tattoo of a hot pin-up goth chick on my back. Maybe she can be my alter ego and that will suffice :)