Am I Lesbian, Bi-Sexual, Or Just Curious?
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Denial?
I lie in bed tossing and turning, my mind races with these thoughts. Am I really a lesbian? No! History shows that I am definitely attracted to men. I shake my head and dismiss the thoughts. I tell myself I have always been a curious person about everything, this is just another subject that I have not thought about in a while. I toss and turn some more, thinking about my past, all the many times I have been propositioned by other women. How jealous my boyfriend was about my best friend. He wanted me to stop being friends with her. He said, "she was trying to be more than just my friend."
Attraction
I sit up in bed now, my thoughts leading me to places I never thought I would dare go again. I always knew that both men and women have been attracted to me. The memories of female bartenders and cocktail waitresses putting their phone numbers on my drink napkins, buying me drinks, lightly brushing their hand against my hand, or telling me how cute I was in the Ladies room. The memories come flooding back to me. I push the thoughts away and light up a cigarette and take a deep draw.
Body Language and Mixed Signals?
My mind wanders off and I am back in the apartment I lived in 11 years ago with a male gay roommate. The living situation was not strange to me, I have always had gay male friends in my life. I remember leaving a bar we were hanging out in, and him telling me that the female bartender had a crush on me. I remember the fear that struck me, after all I was in the bar checking out the men and did not have any thoughts of checking out women. I asked my roommate how did he know when another man was gay. He told me that there are signs and signals they give each other. I asked if I give those signals to women. He said that I was the kind that could go either way. I know that I have always had a way of seeing the attractiveness of anyone I met regardless of gender, but I had no idea that my body language was sending out messages that my brain was not receiving.
The Best Friend
My thoughts start to focus to my best friend several years back. We met in a restaurant. We were both waitresses. We hit it off right away because of our similarities, we were both around the same age, and we had a lot of the same interests and hobbies. I adored Lily, she was so magical. She had this certain way of making me smile, and everything was an adventure when I was with her. I spent a lot of time with Lily. If I was not working or with my boyfriend, I was always with her. As I mentioned before, this caused some tension with my boyfriend and I. He never liked me with her. He said that she was trying to seduce me, and he wanted me to stop spending my time with her. Of course this would start a disagreement between us, because I thought he was wrong about her, and even if he wasn't what made him think that I would let her seduce me?
Innocent?
Secrets Revealed
In time my relationship with my boyfriend became strained by the disagreements. After a night of heated arguments about Lily, we decided to go our seperate ways for awhile. I was in tears and very upset that things were not working out between us. I kind of thought that he was the one that I would spend the rest of my life with. It was cold and raining that night, I went to Lily's house to cry on her shoulder. By the time I reached Lily's door my clothes were soaked from the rain, so I stripped mine off and borrowed a tee shirt and panties while my clothes dried in the dryer. We had a few drinks to calm me down while I told her about the argument that took place earlier at my boyfriends house. Half drunk, half undressed, and lying in Lily's bed, my boyfriends suspicions and Lily's secrets were about to be revealed. All of a sudden Lily whispered that she was bi-sexual and that she liked me a lot.
Lesbian, Bi-Sexual, Or Just Curious?
Am I Lesbian,bi-sexual, or just curious? Well after all these years, I can only give you the facts: After that night at Lily's, Lily and I did not see each other again. I can tell you that I still find some men attractive, although I find that I do not have any desire to be with them. I fantasize about having sex with a woman, Although no woman in particular. I will admit that with the exception of one occasion, I have always hated having sex with men, and in the last few years I have given birth to two beautiful children.What label would you put on me?
A video to educate about LGBT
I Am The Same Person
In the end, It should not matter what my sexual preferences are to anyone else but myself. I am the same person I was before I wrote this article. I am the same mom, same sister, same daughter, same friend today, that I was yesterday. No matter what gender I may or may not choose to sleep with. I am still the same woman that some of you love, some of you hate, and some of you will sadly misjudge.
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Respect and Dignitity Goes Along Way!
I always welcome comments and thoughts on my hubs. I do ask that everyone be respectful and do remember that I respect and promote comments and thoughts from everyone regardless of their sexual preferences. Please feel free to share your thoughts, but make sure they are not at anyone's expense.
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Comments
Indeed you are the same person...and you are probably not the first person to have similar self doubts. Why do you or anyone else need labels?
Hi Teresa, Great to see you. Thanks for visiting and the support. I agree with your thoughts, "what does matter is how well we respect each other." and ourselves :-)
Hey there my feline friend, You bring up a great question! Why do we feel the need to label everything? Labels tend to bring opinions and judgements on ourselves and others. I wonder if I could stop labeling everything in my own life? I think everything would be a little disorganized, but a lot more friendlier in my world. :-) Thank you so much for visiting and your support.
Even if you were perfectly straight and a church going Catholic they'd still thing you are having a fling with the pastor! You'd be damned if you do and you'd be damned if you don't. Better to follow your heart as I see that you already are! :)
In the heart's heart lies the kind of love that knows no boundaries. Ultimately, gender, sexual orientation and preference become incidental - not even an afterthought.
I appreciate your honesty and daring in sharing this. Be free and empowered always :D
I am proud of you for standing up and saying how you feel. Way to go! That takes a lot of guts! You are right, no matter what your sexual preferance is, you're still the same whikat ;) Doesn't change the way I feel about ya
Thanks for visiting and commenting my friends. :-)
LOL, Nazishnasim - I was never accused of having a fling with the pastor, now the Preacher's son? well, that is another story. :-)
Cris A, Thank you so much for your support and wisdom my true friend. I cherish your poetry and as always I am inspired and empowered. :-) Freedom Rocks!
Janetta my beautiful friend, thank you so much for your support. I am truely a blessed person to have such a beautiful and open minded friend as you. :-)
I want to hear the Preacher son's story! :D
*sits obediently*
LOL, I'll see what I can do for you Nazishnasim, Your pic is just too precious! Maybe it will be an upcoming Hub Mob topic? that would be useful, so I can give that subject some of my undivided attention. :-)
Yuppieee! We gonna hear Whitkat romancing the Preacher's son!
Question 1 : Was he a Preacher too? Did he intend on becoming one? You asked?
Question 2 : What's a Hub Mob? Does it smell bad?
Nazishnasim, Yes, I will dig into my sordid past just for you. I will need time to write this hub, since it is a more delicate matter than this one.
Answer 1: I do not know what he ended up doing as far as career choice. I am pretty sure his path was not headed in his father's footsteps. I did not know that he was the son of a Preacher until after events happened.
Answer 2: The hub mob smells pretty good! Hub Mob is a group of hubbers writing about a certain topic each week. It is a lot of fun, this was my first hub I have written as a member in the hub mob. Any hubber can join and Princessa picks a certain topic each week that hubbers can write about. You can find more information about it in the forum,
http://hubpages.com/forum/topic/16202Sexual orientation is not a choice, as so many people seem to believe. Sexual encounter, however, IS a choice (excluding rape, of course). And since encounter is choice, choose wisely. I have worked with several AIDS projects and know the heartbreak of hasty, unthinking sexual choices. Even the preacher's son could be risky.
Everyone, ultimately, is bisexual. Most aren't aware of that. Consequently, when curiosity arises, so does the guilt.
Again, choose wisely...and have fun!!
Hi Richardspeaks, thanks for visiting my hub and leaving very wise comments. AIDS is very real and very much a threat and everyone should be very cautious. Thank you for pointing out that no one is exempt from the possibilities of contracting sexual disease if protection is not used. Thanks for your support and sharing a valuable reminder, and Yes, I hope everyone has fun, but respects themselves enough to choose to protect their beautiful selves.
Mind expander, thanks Whikat. Love ya any which way :)
Follow your heart, not your head. Don't be asamed of who you are,
dori
Hey R.B, glad to have you visit and your kind comments. Thanks for your support it means a lot to me. Love ya back :-)
Hi Fortunerep, Thank you for visiting and your wise tips. The heart seems to be smarter, at least in my case. :-) I hope I live to see the day, that no one feels shame or guilty for who they are or what they feel. Thanks again for visiting and your support.
Sorry if I don't seem to be PC about any of this, but it really doesn't matter what you choose. You're an adult and are perfectly capable of making decisions for yourself. I would caution you, however, to be mindful of your feelings and the consequences of acting on them. You seem to have a question about being attracted to your friend and she obviously is attracted to you. First and foremost you need to decide whether your friendship can endure you becoming "more than just friends" and if you can remain friends if things go south. Oh hell, I guess what I'm trying to say is the two of you need to figure out what it is you want from one another and keep that in mind, whatever you decide to do.
As for the men angle, well it sounds like you didn't pick any that were terribly considerate of your needs. In fact, that may be why you and some of your girlfriends were attracted to one another, it seemed to you that they were offering something you were missing in other relationships in your life.
Anyway, I'll get off my soapbox now. Just be mindful that intimate relations with anyone can be filled with pitfalls and minefields and that we must have a care when dealing with the emotions of those we care about.
Hi LeDefensetech, So good to see you. No need for apologies my friend. You are fine with who you are and I respect your decision to not be PC as much as you have respected my decision to be PC. I appreciate the sound caution you have left for all genders with all sexual preferences, "We must have a care when dealing with the emotions of those we care about." that is good wisdom for us all.
As for me, I think I have pretty much fiqured out what makes me happy. As for the men, I do not blame them for not fixing something that was never broken. I was only missing something when I choose to deny myself and who I was. No matter how perfect the men were or were not, they certainly can not take any blame as to my curiousity and desires. I have learned that I AM what I AM, and there is freedom in that.
I appreciate your visit and your well thought out and very respectful comments. :-)
Great hub, whikat and I applaud you for having the guts to explore your feelings and then share them here. I personally think everyone is bisexual, most just don't dare to explore it for religious, moral, or self-doubting reasons. It's a shame really.
Hi KCC Big Country, I am very happy to see you. I have missed your charming thoughts my friend. I guess it has been to long since I last visited your hubs. Thank you for your kindness and support. It really is a shame, that people (myself included) let non important things like religion, morals, and self-doubt come before, "Thy own self be true."
Thank you so much for visiting and leaving your thoughts. P.S. What a magical world we would live in, if we would all stop playing the games, and took off our masks that religion and self righteous morals have handed us. :-)
I couldn't agree more Whikat!
Labels are only those sticky pieces of paper that ruin your clothes if you forget to take them off before you put them in the washing machine,
Just be who you are. You are obviously an attractive person inside and out to have so many people desire to be with you.
My suggestion would be not to put yourself in a box. It gets awfully cramped in there!
Hi Laughing Mom, it's a pleasure to meet you. Thank you for visiting and your very nice comments. I love your analogy of labels, as much as I love that closets is just a storage place for clothes not people.
Thank you for the compliment, " You are obviously an attractive person inside and out to have so many people desire to be with you," - Actually I am just a reflection of whatever or whoever is around me, she says blushing.
I will take your advice and stay out of the cramped box, and make a wish for my fellow sisters and brothers to do the same. Thanks for visiting my new friend, it was a pleasure. :-)
Be happy
Thanks Ethel, That is the secret isn't it. :-) Thank you for your time and comment.
Hey Whikat - Great going with the sharing you do in this piece, thanks for that :-) I'd say, just be happy and don't worry too much about labeling yourself, there'll be plenty jerks (people, I mean people!) out there that will try and do all the labelling for you. I'd say, go with the heart's and mind's flow. Besos!
Hi Elena, Very nice to meet you. Thank you for your encouraging comments. I am happy now thanks, it took me awhile to figure things out, but I think I have taken some pretty good baby steps in self discovery. :-) Thank you so much for visiting and the support. :-)
I am a lesbian traped in a mans body :O
LOL, Paper Moon, Yes, There seems to be an epidemic going around. I know a lot of men with that same issue. :-) Thanks for visiting my friend.
I have also had these feelings whikat. Unlike you though, I have actually acted on them. No matter who it is, or what gender, if you find love hold on to it. I don't think of you any different than before I read this hub. Follow your heart and you will always be happy!
NP, I was just "curious" LOL
Hi Alissa1985, I really love people like you in the world, who act on their hearts, and not the thoughts that are programmed by society. I hope that I will be strong to follow your good advise, and if someday I find Love again I will hold onto it no matter what gender the person might be. :-) Thank you for your awesome comment, and your awesome support my friend. :-)
Paper Moon it is always good to be "curious" that is how we learn about ourselves. :-)
Great Hub written with courage and sensitivity. Thanks
Love and peace
Tony
Hi tonymac04, Thanks for visiting and for the really great comment. I am off to go visit your sites. Love and peace to you also. :-)
Tee (Earl Grey, I believe) said it best.
You are a wonderful person WhiKat, and never forget that. Be happy with who you are--and the rest will follow. ;)
great article
I think that there is so much bombardment on gender and preference that we cannot help but sometimes have thoughts run across our minds about things we know we were taught not to like or do. I think that the world itself has become more open to these lifestyles and that is why it is so much more prevalent for people to tend to be bi-curious or just downright confused about feelings or thoughts. I have had several ladies come on to me when I was younger, to which I never accepted. But everyone is different. I chose to be with men, but it doesn't stop me from seeing beauty for what it is, male or female. Beauty is beauty and I do not consider myself lesbian for thinking a woman is hot or not..."to each his own" lol
Teresa McGurk says:
6 months ago
Good for you, Whikat. Being happy with who you are is the main thing; don't let anyone try to control that. It doesn't matter what labels we assign ourselves or each other -- straight, gay, lesbian, bi-; what does matter is how well we respect each other.