(This is an email written some time in winter of  2007 while I was living back in Florida that I discovered fairly recently while cleaning out my emails. I decided to post it w/ some editing because I think it sweet & tells a story. Also, I think everybody can relate to this & if you can't I feel sorry for you because all of us ought to have affairs in their life like this one.)



Dear Angel, 

 I remember the day I first laid eyes on you. It was at The Penny University Coffee Shop & you were standing in a light rain smoking & openly bitching about your boyfriend who was standing there amongst friends. You were wearing a hipster thrift shop white  dress with ruffles & cowboy boots & people were laughing at the things you were saying until your boyfriend shouted at me & complimented the t-shirt I was wearing which advertised Ned's Atomic Dustbin. -Remember them? I barely do.

When I saw you alone a few weeks later at The Parthenon Nightclub, I laid the charm on thick enough that you took me home to the house (or duplex) you were house-sitting for that hippie chick that later became your roommate, -what was her name? In the morning, really late afternoon, I decided to call my two gay roommates who I had came to the club w/ & let them know where I was & that I was awright. When I called those 2 queens, they didn't even notice I wasn't home. 

We dated casually but I really did like you a great deal. My head & my heart weren't in a good place at the time. I had decided before I met you that I was definately moving to San Francisco & nothing was going to stop that, regardless & also, I had just gotten out of a relationship with a woman who treated me badly. The irony is I was looking for her, my ex-girlfriend when I stumbled across your page. I'm not going to trash-talk her, especially after all these years, but she carried around a lot of baggage from a previous abusive relationship & two very traumatic events during her teenage years. She'd treat me (& everyone else) shabbily & if you tried to make her apologize or take responsibility for her actions, she'd bring up her traumatic past & somehow make you feel guilty. I wanted to break up with her for a solid 6 months before we finally did. My first two weeks away from her felt like a vacation & for a little while, I was unable to get close to anyone I dated or let myself like anybody too much. I stopped hating her & resenting her almost a decade ago & genuinely hope she is happy & got the help she needed but if I had discovered her image on myspace, the feeling would be bittersweet, a whole myriad of emotions would go right thru me. When I discovered your image instead, all I did was smile, laugh out loud & smile again. I was actually surprised at how happy & delighted I was to see your face after all these years. 

If I'm 35 now, I was 24 then & if you're 3o now, you were only 19!!!! No way. I thought you were at least, 21, 22. ...Fuck. 

Like I said, we dated casually, never serious, never exclusive & we bickered frequently because I'd put down your hippie friends. That's only because I came from hippies, totally & to me, in those days & the proceeding years, making fun of hippies was my way of rebelling but today, I am quite proud of my hippie heritage & wish I had made an effort to befriend your friends. 

Interestingly enough, my hippie father, who you met once, outside a coffee shop in hyde park, lives in Gainesville. He & my step-ma have a nice house there but right now they are in Europe & I don't know when they'll be back. I think there're subletting the house right now. Funny, I was visiting them back in March shortly after arriving back to Florida. Had I known you now live in Gainesville & manage a nightclub there, I totally would've stopped by & said Hi. 

I remember coming to your duplex once shortly after some so-called friends sold me some potent acid & then abandoned me in Ybor City. I showed up unannounced to you & your friend's duplex high, tripping off my ass. You guys brought me in, thank God, & took care of me until I calmed down & since I never properly said 'Thank you,' I do now. 'Thank you.' 

I regret not appreciating you as much as I should have. 

Now this is where my email gets most bizarre & pathetic. 

During my first week in San Francisco, I was standing in a cold thick rain w/o a place to stay & I was scared. I reached into my pocket & pulled out a sheet of paper that had your full name & address written on it. Then I opened up my backpack & grabbed a tiny soft-leather phone & address book. I took both items & threw them in the gutter & watched as they surfed down a hill & into a sewer. 

While living in Tampa, I tried to move to London & was back within a few months. Then I relocated to Atlanta & was back so quickly that some people didn't even know I was gone. When I announced plans to move to San Francisco, everybody said, "Yeah, you'll be back." 

If I got lonely & homesick for Tampa, I'd call my friends, I'd write them letters. In the days before email & cell phones, the easiest way to burn your bridges was to destroy your personal phone & address book. 

I lived in California for 8 years. 

In a couple of years, I grew to regret that decision because I was genuinely curious to know how some people were doing & thought it'd be nice to send or receive the occasional Xmas card. When I did research some old cohorts during the late 90s, I discovered one old friend was killed by a drunk driver on Bearss & 30th St. & another old friend, still angry over a bogus misunderstanding from too many years ago, wanted nothing to do with me. 

I never memorized or even knew your last name & had no idea how to find you or if you'd even be curious how I was doing, so I never bothered to even look for you. 

The next 2 things you may find very interesting.

Shortly after arriving to SF, I enrolled into a liberal arts college that had a great writer's program. One of the first things I did was write a short story inspired by some of my own experiences when I worked as a bouncer at the ole DNA Club on Nebraska. The story was fiction with the bouncer being a dark, moody guy named Dred, but his bartender girlfriend was named Angel & yes, she was totally based on you. She was sexual, funny, tough, flippant, opinionated & the only character able to criticize & make fun of the macho badass (near sociopathic) bouncer. She physically resembled you & I even incorporated one of your own sexual escapades that you told me about into my story. (The time you went to a video store around closing time on a lonely Valentine's day & ended up taking the cute nerd behind the counter home. LOL.)

Most of what I wrote when I was 24 was not worth keeping but I've kept that piece & plan on using it as a skeletal/outline for a future project, of which, I had always plan on using Angel as the girlfriend's name & the girl I remembered you to be as the model for that character. As a matter of fact, the duplex the bouncer & Angel share was modeled after the one you & your hippie friend shared. 

Bet you had no idea you were a bit of a muse for me, did you? 

Several years into my time in San Francisco, there was a billboard in downtown off Market Street that featured a pixie model with short hair that looked like you & I use to stroll by daily & look up & think about you. The first time I was walking downtown & realized the billboard had been replaced, I was actually a little sad. 

Enough about the past. 

I expected you to be married with several kids as that was your chief ambition when I knew you but I guess you do refer to a previous marriage. You also appear to have worked in the fashion industry. That's great because I do recall you being an exceptionally stylish girl. I saw the website for the club that you manage & it appears a number of cool bands have passed thru, tell me about that. Maybe I'll come up there to see a show?

I'm proud of you, Angel.  

However, don't be concerned, I'm not looking to recapture some lost youth & nor do I harbor any fantasies of rekindling an old flame, but I'd really like to see you again.

I lived in Palatka for 2 and a half years when I attended the art school there & me & my pals use to party in G-ville weekly. I got some great Gainesville stories & memories. It'd be worth a day-trip just to see you, check out your club & see if you're as good a bartender as I imagined you'd be in my short story from 11 years ago & then to reminisce about some long-gone clubs & bars & coffee shops from almost (yikes) 15 to 20 years ago; Hardbacks, University Club (my first gay bar!), TJ Morrissey's, Florida Theater, Cafe' Depresso, Skeeter's, the old drive-in. 

I use to spend a lot of time in St. Augustine & even considered relocating to St. Augustine beach when I first arrived back to Florida. Do you ever go there? 

I'd also like to mention that I've gotten back in contact with various Tampa friends I abandoned on a cold wet afternoon in San Francisco & plan on spending some time visiting Tampa in the near future. Oh, how I miss The Tampa Theater. 

Currently, I live in the Melbourne, Fl area which is where I grew up. 

I'm happy. 

Thanks for saying I look the same but people change so much in 11 years. How could they not? And I'm sure your last 11 years have been an awesome, incredible, up & down, tumultuous, & exciting ride & I'd love to hear about it. You were always so much fun to be around. Let me buy you lunch, or coffee or a drink somewhere, sometime. 

Best,

your old friend,

Brett 

--------------------------(I now encourage everybody to stop what they're doing & search for people from their past & not the loves of your life, the individuals you mistakenly thought you were going to be w/ forever but rather your flings, your rebounds, the individuals that provided the welcome distractions that you needed at the time. They made you feel more confident, more attractive & in some cases, these people still make you smile & you wonder if you took it more seriously, gave it more time & focus, would that fling have blossomed into something more. Please, do not doubt that there are flings from your youth who still hold some very warm & inspirational feelings towards you. Believe me, they do, they do.)