I am here for a purpose. A purpose for which I have no knowledge. As I diligently search for the ideal scenario, I realize I am but a fragment in the world. A world with other inhabitants like me, trying to find their way.

Lost in this wilderness, I became an impotent exile. Powerless in many factors of my life and rejected for the same reasons. They are as follows.

I compromisingly attempt to claim my birthright. The rights given to me to be part of my family. To be me, the individual the Lord has made. To acknowledge my role is of the will of God, not the will of any person. My forefather has summoned me to reunite with the tree he has planted. I am but a fallen branch of that tree. Can I impose myself as part of his tree or am I an impotent exile.

As I aggressively seek work, I learn times are difficult and work is scarce. However, I am notoriously judged because I have no employment. I have completed over two thousand applications, yet, no response. I am strong-willed, therefore, I created a job for myself. Operating a daycare out of my home is not traditional work, thus, I stand accused of being lethargic and inadequate.

Searching endlessly for the right church home is a challenge, but, frowned upon for not having one. I aspire to worship amongst the Saints. During my quest for a church home, I often ask myself, “where do I belong?”

Sobriety is a struggle for me everyday, but, all some see is, I am a drunk. I have scores of battle wounds acquired from the various encounters on the battlefield of drunkenness. Some were uphill, others were downhill. As I reflect upon each circumstance, one in particular plays like a ticker tape in my head. I recall the time when I was driving intoxicated and hit a wall. I woke up in the hospital and could not remember who I was. This drunken demon which dwells within me, has the power to conquer, however, I will prevail. In prevailing, I am no longer a town drunk, as I am a recovering alcoholic…and it is wonderful in my sight.

The self-improvements I am making in my life are viewed as self-importance and my friends are leaving me. I have come to a crossroads where either I stay the same pathetic being I was and keep my friends or continue to make changes and make new friends. I will not succumb to what is expected of me. As a result, a strong resistance from my friends have dominated my world and hovers over me like a dark, menacing cloud. I realize, many times when there is an effort for change, there is opposition, therefore, I continue to make the necessary improvements.

I always try to give my all and doing the best I can, but, is often not enough. When I have done all I can and cannot do anymore, I just stand! I stand just like that strong rooted tree beside the waters. I shall not be moved!

Fighting injustices, helping others, and giving from my heart, has been demonstrated by others to be fanatical, useless, and not appreciated. I cannot allow the ways of the world change who I am. So, I continue to fight, help, and give. I will just have to suffer the consequences of doing so.

I am a poor woman in a civilization where riches and status determine your worth, therefore, I do not always measure up. Am I an impotent exile? Where is my place in society? Is it amongst other poor women only or will I be accepted in any other social group that might enhance my ability to become the best woman I can. My true worth comes from within and it is priceless. For this, I have much riches and the highest status that the Lord has given me.

Searching for the love, respect, and understanding I desire has revealed to be an illusion. Is this the true world I live in or am I an impotent exile?

I feel I am not victorious! My spirit is damaged! My soul aches! My heart bleeds! My body and mind cannot absorb anymore distress! I am like a broken down fence that has lost its strength. I lay lifeless under the heaven, as tears sorrowfully stream down my face.

I understand, life will issue numerous tribulations. I have to become triumphant. I pick myself up, brush myself off, and start to pray. I lift my eyes beyond the skies, for I know from where my help comes.

Regardless of all the bumps and bruises along the way, I have to stand tall and strong. I know now that I am not defeated, if I do not make claim to defeat.

My Father has shown me that I have to submit and humble myself before him. As I make this transition, the feeling of being an impotent exile has slowly been peeled away. I am being refreshed, leaving me with the feeling of being a humble servant of my Father. What the world has torn down, my Father has lifted up.

I am victorious! My faith is restored! I am thriving! I am a living, breathing, feeling, thinking person who is fallible and will make mistakes until I expire. All I can do is live, as best I can, each day.

I have come to the realization that I was never an impotent exile. Although I cannot control what people thought, did, or felt, I took power over the situations that effected my life. I might never be accepted in society or amongst friends, but, I am still here. I am here living my life as best I can and that is all the validation I need.

During my tsunamis, when there was no where else for me to go, I could always go to my Father. As I suffered, I found myself in an abyss of despair. I sought refuge from my Father and kept hope alive.

My tribulations draws me nearer. For I need my Father in my life this day and everyday. He is the only being who can truly save my life and hear my cries.

My heavenly father is like a worldly father, but, with distinct differences. Both Fathers would protect their children at whatever cost, would sacrifice for their children, discipline their children, and love their children immensely and unconditionally.

However, my heavenly Father is almighty, powerful, and all things are possible through him. He can protect me from dangers that I see and dangers I do not see coming. He can do things a worldly father cannot do and would never forsake me. Most of all, my heavenly father blessed me with my worldly father.

My toughest storms and my darkest hours sends me running to him. For I know I am safe, loved, and kept.

I have returned to the wilderness to share what was given to me, as I now know my purpose. My purpose is to be a good Christian, to share my Father’s love, to do my best in any situation, to be strong in him, to accept what the world has to offer and pray about it if it is not good, to be humble, to give, and to stand! The tears I cried washed away all the sadness and I now cry tears of joy and contentment.

As my Father is not of this world, we are of either of the two entities; of the world or of my Father. I contemplated the world was just annihilating me for being of my Father. I currently see this is my purpose, as a Christian. Maybe, my Father allowed me to explore the world in this capacity to open my eyes to what I could not see before.

In totality, I am no longer standing in the shadow of a spirit in despair. I have ascended on the wings of hope that which carries me over the devouring flames. As I arrive on tranquility’s doorstep, My Father rained down on me an array of blessings and sprinkled it with love. All the love my Father has given me, I have that same love to give. God bless!